The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Surfer said:
She wants a life partner, a husband, kids possibly and eventually definitely marriage.

I said to her that i dont want to live with her right at this present moment as it was too fast and she went from that to thinking i am using her....she just seems to go to extremes very quickly and can be quite aggressive and angry towards me.

Is it odd that all 4 of the christmas presents she got for me were sortof couple gifts for us rather than me. e.g. clock with her and me photo in it, picture with lots of family quotes in it, a hanging metal art thing that says "And they lived happily ever after". She has said to me in the past (when we were friends before relationship) that i am like a rock for her that she can 100% rely on and call anytime etc.
Click to expand...

Back off the crazy right now. She's decided that you're going to give her the fairy tale ending, and woe betide you if you don't agree. What do your thoughts matter, you're just there to pander to her needs - isn't that what you've been doing through the last few years of your friendship?

She's putting a lot of pressure on you, and now you're beginning to crack because it's not what you want, she's turning nasty to try and bully you into obeying her.
 
Surfer said:
She wants a life partner, a husband, kids possibly and eventually definitely marriage.

I said to her that i dont want to live with her right at this present moment as it was too fast and she went from that to thinking i am using her....she just seems to go to extremes very quickly and can be quite aggressive and angry towards me.

Is it odd that all 4 of the christmas presents she got for me were sortof couple gifts for us rather than me. e.g. clock with her and me photo in it, picture with lots of family quotes in it, a hanging metal art thing that says "And they lived happily ever after". She has said to me in the past (when we were friends before relationship) that i am like a rock for her that she can 100% rely on and call anytime etc.
Click to expand...

Two years ago I was in the exact same position as you Surfer and it turned out she (my now ex) was a diagnosed BPD sufferer, but by the time she told me it was already to late. Have a read of this;
http://psychcentral.com/disorders/borderline-personality-disorder-symptoms/
 
Surfer said:
I'm seeing her this weekend so we will just have to take things as they come though she has asked now...that we stop sex basically until marriage mainly because she feels more vulnerable and if it all goes pear-shaped will feel i have used her i think.
Click to expand...

BS. She means stop sex until you can't take it any more and give in to her wishes.

Sex is not a bargaining chip and it is one of the levers that is used in abusive relationships. Whether she knows it or not, she is trying to manipulate you.

You proceed on terms that you are both comfortable with or you don't proceed at all.

Find someone who rates lower on the crazy scale IMHO. Or go alpha on her and tell her you won't be mucked about but you'd like to be with her if she can decrazy herself.
 
So, just looking for peoples thoughts on this situation.

Had been with my girlfriend for around 11 months. Had other girlfriends but never felt the way I did about her with anyone else. Still completely love her more than I could attempt to explain and she knows that.

Problem is, for the past year I have been suffering from depression. I didn't realise it during that whole time and have only realised it on Wednesday when she broke up with me. I have mistreated her as a result of the depression and neither of us realised it until it was too much for her and therefore too late. I have been jealous, possessive, argumentative, stopped her from having a life away from me and made her feel as bad as possible about things she did wrong that were petty and minor. Somehow, despite me doing all this, she managed to stay with me for such a long time.

Now, her family live in another country and she had been visiting there for 3 weeks prior to today. So of course, that meant when we broke up it was over the phone. She wanted to see me today so I picked her up from the airport and we had a conversation in my car for around 3 hours. I told her the reason I was doing everything I have done was because of depression, I showed her a website which explains the symptoms of depression and she agreed that depression was the cause. She knows I wasn't myself and she knows I didn't realise I was doing the things I was doing to hurt her. She even forgives me despite the fact I don't forgive myself. She even admitted that she still loves me too.

However, all the things I was doing to her became too much so she doesn't regret dumping me and to be honest, I don't regret it either. It has opened my eyes to everything I have done wrong and kicked me up the backside into sorting my own life out.

I told her I need time to be on my own, that the reason our relationship failed was because I was not happy by myself. I need time to be able to be happy on my own before I can be happy with someone else. She agreed to this and said that during the past 5 days where we have not been in a relationship anymore, she has been so happy. She hasn't had to worry about annoying me or us getting into any arguments or checking her phone or whatever. She has been able to relax for the first time in months.

So there, for now we both agree that we should be alone.

My problem is, I only want to be alone until my life is sorted out. I still love this girl with all my heart and want to make it up to her. I want to show her that I have not been myself and that when I am myself, I will make her happy. According to the doctor, this will take a matter of months. I will be ready to start talking to her again in one or two months once I have regained my interest in life outside of her.

I asked her if she will be able to give me a chance once I am better and she said she doesn't know. At the moment she feels like she just wants to be alone but she doesn't know how she will feel in the future. I said I will try and contact her when I am ready and she didn't tell me not to. I said I hope we can fix things and she didn't say we couldn't, she just doesn't know either way.

What do people think about this?

She knows I wasn't myself and that I am taking positive steps to sorting my illness out. She knows that I am sorry and full of regret and that I truly believe I can make her happy. She knows I believe I won't make the same mistakes again. She still loves me and she forgives me.

Not only that but we have tickets to a concert in May and she kept on telling me today that I have to make sure I am able to go with her. So she knows she'll want to see me in May.

What do people think? Will she give me another chance?
 
I know this is nothing compared to Arctine is going through, but I sincerely hope you manage to clear some things up :)
You never know mate, time is sometimes a great healer and you never know what is around the corner. For now (as a depression and ocd sufferer myself) it is best to focus on yourself, and your recovery for the time being. I know it probably sounds selfish, but it really isn't because for any relationship you need to be yourself, and no body else.
I can't imagine how you are feeling, but make the best of the situation, as you never know it could work out better than you could ever expect. :)

Just an update on what is going on at my side.

Basically due to petty arguments and all that kind of stuff, I broke up with the GF around a week and a bit ago. Now today, she was telling me about her new 'man' and all that. While initially I didn't care, I kind of made me feel physically sick inside, and now even half an hour after that I still feel like that, maybe even worse.

I have blocked all her communication, but I really can't work out why I feel this way. Maybe anger? Or just upset. The thing is I don't feel either of those mainly just that she isn't what I thought she was. She seems to be being spiteful big time.

I wouldn't and can't say anything which I know will hurt her, even though I think it. I don't want her back at all, that is a big no no. But can't comprehend why she is doing this to me, is it just to get the last blow in or what?
 
Surfer said:
Is it odd that all 4 of the christmas presents she got for me were sortof couple gifts for us rather than me. e.g. clock with her and me photo in it, picture with lots of family quotes in it, a hanging metal art thing that says "And they lived happily ever after". She has said to me in the past (when we were friends before relationship) that i am like a rock for her that she can 100% rely on and call anytime etc.
Click to expand...

Haha! Those are crap gifts. Did you ask for the receipt or dump everything in the trash the moment you saw it?

Sounds crazy, it's dumpin time.
 
russell664 said:
Basically due to petty arguments and all that kind of stuff, I broke up with the GF around a week and a bit ago. Now today, she was telling me about her new 'man' and all that. While initially I didn't care, I kind of made me feel physically sick inside, and now even half an hour after that I still feel like that, maybe even worse.

I have blocked all her communication, but I really can't work out why I feel this way. Maybe anger? Or just upset. The thing is I don't feel either of those mainly just that she isn't what I thought she was. She seems to be being spiteful big time.

I wouldn't and can't say anything which I know will hurt her, even though I think it. I don't want her back at all, that is a big no no. But can't comprehend why she is doing this to me, is it just to get the last blow in or what?
Click to expand...

My ex, who I remained friends with, told me a year after we broke up that she was seeing someone and I still felt absolutely gutted, 'that' feeling in your stomach that is just horrible. I guess it's a natural thing?
 
Well she is boasting about him and all that crap.

I just told her, he will be after one thing because you let him jump in there. But this time I'm not going to be there to pick her up like before. A year or so ago she tried to jump in front of a train, says it all really.
I think she has a problem. How can you 'love' someone so much, and then just go out with another guy like the click of a finger? To prove a point? All I see is a manwhore trying to score some pasty. To be honest I know I shouldn't care, but I do mainly because I don't want her to end up where she was.

Should I just leave her to it, cut her off completely?
 
I would, I don't think anyone likes the feeling of being replaced, it's not great for your confidence.

I met a crazy on new years eve, been texting, she's asked me about 10 times now how old I am and if I've got a GF, explained how she wants her life to pan out and demanded a day we go on a date so I've just removed her contact, life is too short to deal with people like that.
 
It makes you feel like, well nothing to be fair.

She keeps saying she wants to keep in touch etc... I don't even know what to say in response to that. Suggestions?

10 times?! :o yeah that is a little cray cray.

The problem is, personally I don't deal with things like this very well, so honestly don't know what to do.
 
Cut her off!!!
I'd be putting her on a rocket to Mars fella...

You don't need that sort of **** after you've broken up, as you say, she's just twisting the knife..
Take away all the possibilities for her to contact you.

Just for reference I thought I'd text the ex with a "hope you are OK, but Merry Christmas anyway" type text. Stupid I know.

When I got back "Great thanks * smiley face wink wink" I thought to myself.. Well **** you and deleted her everywhere haha.
That's enough of that!
 
I blocked her on Facebook (not that I use it but she messages me there) and blocked the SMS just now. It is going to be really hard to not talk to her at all.

Maybe I'm being to soft, time to man up lol.

Thanks Fuzz, everyone so far has said the same to cut off contact altogether. Never had to do this before. Man, relationships cause so much hassle! Going to be on my own for a while after this!
 
russell664 said:
It makes you feel like, well nothing to be fair.

She keeps saying she wants to keep in touch etc... I don't even know what to say in response to that. Suggestions?

10 times?! :o yeah that is a little cray cray.

The problem is, personally I don't deal with things like this very well, so honestly don't know what to do.
Click to expand...


Cut her off. She's not your responsibility any more. That means you don't have to listen to her, you don't have to have her in your life at all. She can say and do what she wants - you don't have to be there to listen to it.
 
arctine said:
So, just looking for peoples thoughts on this situation.

What do people think? Will she give me another chance?
Click to expand...

So she knew you weren't yourself yet let you continue behaving badly? :rolleyes:

Focus on yourself completely. No seeing/talking to her, let her pick up her pieces in peace. Do not think you will get back with her EVER other wise you will have another spout of depression to deal with.

Sorry to be soo negative, but you want to recover for yourself first and foremost.
 
arctine said:
Will she give me another chance?
Click to expand...

You need to move forward on the basis she won't and if your paths cross again and it works then it worked for the right reasons. You can't just try to fix yourself solely so this girl will take you back. However, easier said than done.

I've done something very similar and my ex won't even speak to me. We've been apart for almost 8 weeks and I'm no further forward in getting over her - or getting anywhere near learning to be happy on my own.
 
Last edited:
Feeling a little lonely. My 2 closest friends are moving abroad this year, and I am only just realising that I don't have that many friends that are actually here... :(
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom