Caporegime
- Joined
- 13 May 2003
- Posts
- 34,564
- Location
- Warwickshire
Didn't feel much love until they were born and now I'm completely besotted with the little oiks!
First time dad
- Thread starter j0s
- Start date
Caporegime
- Joined
- 29 Aug 2007
- Posts
- 28,767
- Location
- Auckland
^ This.
I'd be very careful about taking absolute opinions on this ("you won't bond until he's 18 years old", "I loved her from the very first nano second" etc) because it's different for each person and sometimes for each child the person has.
I was a first time Dad at 39 and now I'm 43, we had our 2nd child just before Christmas. Although I do wish we had children earlier (.. well, it did take us 7 years trying), we still enjoy mostly every minute. Newborn babies will cry, scream, smile, and scream even more. They get louder as they get older and master the art of giving you instant migraines.
With our first son, we struggled to understand his needs (crying), so it took longer for us to work out what each cry meant and it was hard work (unfortunately, my health suffered as a result and I missed a couple of his early months from recovery).
Luckily with our second son, we are quicker to understand his crying and 'head it off at the pass'.
Tiredness is the worst, but it does get better once your child learns a routine. Get a feeding/sleeping pattern established early and it becomes easier very quickly. Babies hate being out of routine.
Good luck!
With our first son, we struggled to understand his needs (crying), so it took longer for us to work out what each cry meant and it was hard work (unfortunately, my health suffered as a result and I missed a couple of his early months from recovery).
Luckily with our second son, we are quicker to understand his crying and 'head it off at the pass'.
Tiredness is the worst, but it does get better once your child learns a routine. Get a feeding/sleeping pattern established early and it becomes easier very quickly. Babies hate being out of routine.
Good luck!
My daughter is 12 weeks old today. I didn't feel a connection until she was born either and even then maybe not really until a few days after when the adrenaline had worn off. At first they are completely alien - there's this little person that you are forever connected to, but you're both complete strangers to one another. My wife and the baby spent a few days in hospital, so those first days were a bit of a blur and obviously complete novelty, but when we got her home for the first time I basically just #### a brick. Men, like women, experience a massive increase in hormones following the birth of a baby, and a natural side effect a few days later can be a bit of a hormone comedown. Men aren't as naturally prepared as women as they haven't carried the child and don't get quite the same hormone preparation for it all. There is nothing really that can prepare you for that feeling of permanence; the realization that this baby is forever. You know beforehand that logically it is forever, but the realization is very bizarre as you probably haven't experienced anything close to it before. Unless maybe you've had a limb removed or something...
So, the first few days were a little scary, but less than a week in all was brilliant. Looking after a baby is pretty easy, the lack of sleep is fine, people who whine about all that stuff in the early days really need a slap (BUT we have a good sleeper). Can't speak for babies older than 3+ months though... I can never imagine going back; she is the best thing ever to happen to us, and already she is growing up too fast! I never knew what unconditional love was before, but now I definitely do.
As you say, just let it roll.
I found telling people we were having a baby really quite annoying towards the end, as there are certain types of people who will gleefully take every opportunity to say stuff like "say goodbye to sleep!", "you'll never stop worrying now!!", "hope you like ****ty hands!". Those types of people are best avoided before, during and after.
So, the first few days were a little scary, but less than a week in all was brilliant. Looking after a baby is pretty easy, the lack of sleep is fine, people who whine about all that stuff in the early days really need a slap (BUT we have a good sleeper). Can't speak for babies older than 3+ months though... I can never imagine going back; she is the best thing ever to happen to us, and already she is growing up too fast! I never knew what unconditional love was before, but now I definitely do.
As you say, just let it roll.
I found telling people we were having a baby really quite annoying towards the end, as there are certain types of people who will gleefully take every opportunity to say stuff like "say goodbye to sleep!", "you'll never stop worrying now!!", "hope you like ****ty hands!". Those types of people are best avoided before, during and after.
Permabanned
- Joined
- 23 Apr 2014
- Posts
- 23,552
- Location
- Hertfordshire
Kids are mostly a pain in the arse.
Im currently 25 and my girlfriend is 30. She has already told me she wants to have a kid in the next few years but i really don't and honestly can't imagine wanting a kid at all. Anybody else been in a similar situation and changed their mind? Either suddenly decided they do want a kid or still didn't but had one anyway and ended up loving being a dad?
Congrats man, but 24 weeks already, that's about 6 months, does he have a job yet? it's 6 months then he's litter picking. Don't make the OcUK forum mad, they hate the unemployed.
But really, good fortune to you with fatherhood
I had strange feeling when I responded to this thread that some insufferable lefty would hijack it as an opportunity to sound off.
I definitely didn't want kids when I was 25, but still at that age I sort of knew I wanted them at some point. I always assumed from an early age that I would have them and that never really changed. I tried to put the Mrs off a little longer when we were both 30, but she wasn't really having any of it. We'd already been together for 6 years, were married and had a house, so she had a valid point. We also want to fit 2 kids in, so body clock was a factor too.
I would say that there is a good possibility you'll change your mind, but it will probably never feel like the right time. Don't think it ever really does for men. I'll admit that my immediate thoughts after 'arriving' in the Mrs bareback with no chemical backup for the first time in years was "Oh God, was that a good idea?!".
If you really think you won't want kids then better tell her sooner rather than later as it wouldn't be fair on her. In her mind she's thinking if you're not the guy, then she'll need potentially 6 months to a year to get over you, another few months dating, perhaps a year or two in a relationship with a wedding and a house before considering a baby, but of course you probably already know that.
Yes they can be but you were one once and was a pain in the arse too. Getting to look after your children is one of the most rewarding thing you will ever do.
Don't get me wrong, If I wasn't pushed in the right direction by my wife I would never of had kids but I can not imagine life without my boy and girl now.
I am terrible with children but you get better and learn how things work over time. This does not mean they won't do your head in because believe me I have been at the end of my tether more then once
EDIT - I will add having two is a lot harder! (boy is 4 and girl is 11 months!)
Last edited:
I've been through it all, my daughter turned 3 on Halloween, my son is due in 4 days.
I wanted kids when I was 20, as I got past 25 I didn't. I had a mortgage, wedding coming up and i'd lost my childhood bringing up my 4 younger brothers. I wanted some me time. My wife and I have been together 18 years this year, we're both 33 now. She wanted children and I didn't, it was divorce or give in, I gave in. I had so much I wanted to do I resented having to have a child to tie me down.
I felt angry and annoyed during the pregnancy, the only times I felt any real connection was those medical checks when you can hear the heart. It's easy for women, they have that constant connection with it, it's moving, getting hiccups, kicking inside them, it allows them to build that bond.
Birth time came, low risk and then having to move to high risk because she was 2 weeks over due and had poo'd inside. When she came out, she was put on my wife's chest, then instantly taken away for checks, that 10 minutes with the doctor, listening to what they were saying felt like a life time but she was ok in the end.
Having raised my brothers handling a baby wasn't new to me, they aren't china dolls so no need to be scared.
Working odd shift times worked for us, my wife could sleep all night apart from feeds, I'd be up until 6am so could deal with my daughter while she was awake. She'd always be asleep by then so I'd put her in her moses basket, head to bed and my wife would take over while I slept. Perfect pattern. Due to the negative feelings I had had, the selfishness, i felt nothing for her to start, it took a good 6 months before I felt a connection. By her first birthday we had zero issues with it, she is my everything.
Before she was born I had no issues with death, I wasn't suicidal (for the most part) just didn't care if I lived or died but since she was born I have an overwhelming fear of death, of losing her or leaving her behind. Parenthood really screws with your mind sometimes.
It does get a lot easier as they get older, all those funny moments. I've actually been writing letters to my daughter since she was born, daily up to monthly depending on what we've been doing. I've 3 years of them now, documenting everything. I found that helped a lot with dealing with my feelings.
Despite how you feel now, having a kid is the best thing you can do. I will say, if you want do something a little crazy like spend 6 months travelling, do it now, then having a kid won't feel as bad because you've done something. We've memories of first words, first walks, stealing biscuits and running away laughing as a toddler, i've got a lovely blue/green patch on the carpet due to paint, and best of all, you get things like this to remember:
I wanted kids when I was 20, as I got past 25 I didn't. I had a mortgage, wedding coming up and i'd lost my childhood bringing up my 4 younger brothers. I wanted some me time. My wife and I have been together 18 years this year, we're both 33 now. She wanted children and I didn't, it was divorce or give in, I gave in. I had so much I wanted to do I resented having to have a child to tie me down.
I felt angry and annoyed during the pregnancy, the only times I felt any real connection was those medical checks when you can hear the heart. It's easy for women, they have that constant connection with it, it's moving, getting hiccups, kicking inside them, it allows them to build that bond.
Birth time came, low risk and then having to move to high risk because she was 2 weeks over due and had poo'd inside. When she came out, she was put on my wife's chest, then instantly taken away for checks, that 10 minutes with the doctor, listening to what they were saying felt like a life time but she was ok in the end.
Having raised my brothers handling a baby wasn't new to me, they aren't china dolls so no need to be scared.
Working odd shift times worked for us, my wife could sleep all night apart from feeds, I'd be up until 6am so could deal with my daughter while she was awake. She'd always be asleep by then so I'd put her in her moses basket, head to bed and my wife would take over while I slept. Perfect pattern. Due to the negative feelings I had had, the selfishness, i felt nothing for her to start, it took a good 6 months before I felt a connection. By her first birthday we had zero issues with it, she is my everything.
Before she was born I had no issues with death, I wasn't suicidal (for the most part) just didn't care if I lived or died but since she was born I have an overwhelming fear of death, of losing her or leaving her behind. Parenthood really screws with your mind sometimes.
It does get a lot easier as they get older, all those funny moments. I've actually been writing letters to my daughter since she was born, daily up to monthly depending on what we've been doing. I've 3 years of them now, documenting everything. I found that helped a lot with dealing with my feelings.
Despite how you feel now, having a kid is the best thing you can do. I will say, if you want do something a little crazy like spend 6 months travelling, do it now, then having a kid won't feel as bad because you've done something. We've memories of first words, first walks, stealing biscuits and running away laughing as a toddler, i've got a lovely blue/green patch on the carpet due to paint, and best of all, you get things like this to remember:
I've said it before, world anyone openly admit that they wish they hadn't had their kids?
I'm not calling anyone a liar, I just reckon parents falling in to the above category probably just keep shtum, maybe paying lip service if asked directly.
I'm not calling anyone a liar, I just reckon parents falling in to the above category probably just keep shtum, maybe paying lip service if asked directly.
I used to admit that I didn't want them, even after she was born, and especially when the mention of a second came up. I wouldn't change it now, I love her to bits, but on occasion I still think "I do miss the days when it was just me wife and I, when there was no need to do anything, no kids TV, no noise, just us, sofa and some films!"
I don't think it makes anyone a bad person for saying how they really feel, even if its that they regret having kids, as long as they are doing what is in the kids best interest.
I openly talk about it because a) people that see me with my daughter (or any kids) can't believe that I was like that and b) I know others are out there going through what I went through. The people that regret having kids go 2 ways, they man up and realise the kid is blameless and give them the best life they they can, or that is when you get child abuse happening because they blame them for the way their life turned out.
I don't think it makes anyone a bad person for saying how they really feel, even if its that they regret having kids, as long as they are doing what is in the kids best interest.
I openly talk about it because a) people that see me with my daughter (or any kids) can't believe that I was like that and b) I know others are out there going through what I went through. The people that regret having kids go 2 ways, they man up and realise the kid is blameless and give them the best life they they can, or that is when you get child abuse happening because they blame them for the way their life turned out.
Agreed. Mine are a similar age (boy just turned 5, girl 18 months), and it's so, so draining.
I was reassured by lots of people that the second is easier, but it was a total ****ing lie. With one, when it is occupied or asleep, you have free time. With two, you almost never get both occupied at once and, whilst they do have a similar sleep pattern, one or other will nearly always be awake early in the morning - rarely do both have a lie in on the same day.
I spent the first year (bar the first month or two, which is really easy) of both of ours wishing I could send them back. Even now, I go through periods (when I'm particularly knackered) of thinking the second was something I would like to reverse.
I also find myself wishing we'd waited until a little older to have them. First was at 27 (wife was 29). Mostly, though, this is due to (as previously mentioned) all of my boy's school friends' dads being much older than me, and seeing their much more comfortable financial positions. Though I try to reason that their finances did benefit in ways never open to me (they all got on the housing ladder whilst prices were still rocketing, and are all from wealthier backgrounds than I).
It's also hard to hammer the career when you're so exhausted. I could have done with being more senior before having children. We also don't really have family who we can use for childcare (despite them being local) - we've not had a break from youngest since she was born (other than her being in nursery on the two days/week my wife works)
Overall, I don't wish we'd not done it. Far from it. I just wish other factors were easier.
Caporegime
- Joined
- 29 Aug 2007
- Posts
- 28,767
- Location
- Auckland
It must happen but I don't know anyone in this category. If you don't want kids then that's fine but you can manage that either before or after any baby-making activity happens if you feel so strongly about not having them. To go ahead and have them knowing that you don't want them seems a terribly selfish approach to take.
Or are you talking about the "I thought I did but now I'm not so sure ..." types?
I think it is normal that the dad doesnt bond with the child during pregnancy. I mean women feel the baby the whole time but for men you dont see or feel the baby really at all so how could you bond?
Also not all mums bond with their babies straight away either. It can take a while after birth. It is normal and nothing to worry about. You will bond when you are ready.
Also not all mums bond with their babies straight away either. It can take a while after birth. It is normal and nothing to worry about. You will bond when you are ready.
For the most part, there is never a financially good time to have children especially for our generation (I'm 29). The housing market is massively stacked against us compared to those who were able to buy 5-10 years earlier. Like you, we made do with what little we had.
I'm now in a reasonably comfortable job and in a house that we have no need to move on from (i.e. enough bedrooms of a decent size), but balancing the career and home time is hard work.
Soldato
- Joined
- 1 Dec 2003
- Posts
- 3,528
congrats! you're defo not too old
I think you'll find unconditional love when they arrive in your arms
it'll be hard work for a while but your life is about to take on new meaning and purpose for the better I would say
I think you'll find unconditional love when they arrive in your arms
it'll be hard work for a while but your life is about to take on new meaning and purpose for the better I would say