The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Thought I'd report back with my situation.. Was out with the mate this Saturday for another friends birthday was abit awkward as he was telling me stuff about his ex (the one I've been seeing) and him sleeping with his ex's best mate the other week. Anyway I had to tell him the day after couldn't continue he didn't seem pleased at all and pretty much said "do what makes you happy and thanks for telling me, I'll always care and have love for her but no hard feelings it's part of life" I then said to him thanks for understanding hope were good and he said " aye we are, hope you two work out" now I know him well and that's basically he can't do anything about it but he isn't pleased talk.. However I'm glad it's out in the open now and no longer need to be sly about it.
 
Update had my date last week, went perfectly. Took her on the back of the motorbike (first time for her) went to a beautiful castle, surrounded by a really nice garden and great scenery and very sunny weather all the way there. Sat in the café and talked for hours without realising, the castle closed but we got to walk around the grounds etc, which was great.
Texting ever since and cant keep are hands off each other. She's gonna come round tomorrow and spend the afternoon with me;)
 
My friends wife has been cheating on him for 5 months. They have an 8 year old and a 2 year old. They have been married for 3 years and have a house together (originally his). He has the same full time job for 10 years and she has a part time job.

What is the standard procedure for this regarding the children and house?
 
If all the media and stories you hear are correct, Wife will get the house and your friend will be left penniless for the next 15 years.
 
Probably get it due to the kids (depends who looks after the kids).

I've seen something similar whereby, even though my male friend has put all of the money into the house, the house is in his name, because he earns more they're looking for a 60/40 split in favour of the women - even though it's her who is leaving.

Absolutely unfair and disgusting practice IMHO.


M.
 
morguk said:
Thanks for the replies. It's ridiculous.
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Yep, one of my friends is going to get a taste of this soon enough. Not married but they bought a house last year and have a 2 year old child together and shes cheated on him twice. He doesn't know yet (I'm not going to tell him) but when he does find out, all the effort and money he put into the house will go to her:(
 
malachi said:
Yep, one of my friends is going to get a taste of this soon enough. Not married but they bought a house last year and have a 2 year old child together and shes cheated on him twice. He doesn't know yet (I'm not going to tell him) but when he does find out, all the effort and money he put into the house will go to her:(
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Ahh thank God I never gave in to my ex's emotional blackmail. I'd have been proper stuffed now. Lots of blokes think with the wrong brain these days. :(
 
Feel like I could use some moral support right now, I'll use some bullet points to condense stuff, but my "issue" is really affecting my day-to-day life right now:

- I'm 21, live in Scotland, she lives in Switzerland. My ex and I broke up last October after almost 5 years of being together. Numerous reasons, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to move there after I graduate from uni (in June this year), and not sure I want kids any time soon (she's a good bit older than me, and feels her bodyclock I think).
- We didn't speak for quite a while. She wished me happy birthday, so I felt I should too a couple of weeks ago. We've been chatting quite a bit since, things were all really nice, felt like I was growing closer to her again.
- Find out we still both have feelings for each other....
- Also find out she's seeing someone.

I've been having some regrets over our relationship meltdown, I'm probably doing a masters after I graduate, but probably going to defer it for a year, meaning I've got a year with nothing officially planned. If I'd still been with her I'd have moved to her for a year at least and things would probably have been fine. Life's good over there too, I spent 6 months there before and if I worked on my German I could probably have found a solid career path. We lived together for a year here in Edinburgh, and we always got on really well when we were together in person. I feel generally less mechanistic about issues of kids and such, if I could work to support them then I'd be less opposed to having them at quite a young age, perhaps in a year or two. I want to continue chatting to her and being friends with her because we get on so well but I've been feeling hollow as I realise how much I miss her, and probably also jealous that she's seeing someone. I'm not sure if I should just cave in to what I'm not certain about and suggest we get back together and we'll make everything work and I'll come to her when I graduate in the Summer blah blah, or if I should stay strong and try and move on (I went for coffee with a girl I met at a party for a couple of hours but besides that I've not been or even made any efforts to kickstart some sort of romance).

I just really feel like I need to get this stuff off my chest, I've lost the past 5 days when I should have been studying for exams next month :/

Cheers guys.
 
Tacitus said:
Feel like I could use some moral support right now, I'll use some bullet points to condense stuff, but my "issue" is really affecting my day-to-day life right now:

- I'm 21, live in Scotland, she lives in Switzerland. My ex and I broke up last October after almost 5 years of being together. Numerous reasons, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to move there after I graduate from uni (in June this year), and not sure I want kids any time soon (she's a good bit older than me, and feels her bodyclock I think).
- We didn't speak for quite a while. She wished me happy birthday, so I felt I should too a couple of weeks ago. We've been chatting quite a bit since, things were all really nice, felt like I was growing closer to her again.
- Find out we still both have feelings for each other....
- Also find out she's seeing someone.

I've been having some regrets over our relationship meltdown, I'm probably doing a masters after I graduate, but probably going to defer it for a year, meaning I've got a year with nothing officially planned. If I'd still been with her I'd have moved to her for a year at least and things would probably have been fine. Life's good over there too, I spent 6 months there before and if I worked on my German I could probably have found a solid career path. We lived together for a year here in Edinburgh, and we always got on really well when we were together in person. I feel generally less mechanistic about issues of kids and such, if I could work to support them then I'd be less opposed to having them at quite a young age, perhaps in a year or two. I want to continue chatting to her and being friends with her because we get on so well but I've been feeling hollow as I realise how much I miss her, and probably also jealous that she's seeing someone. I'm not sure if I should just cave in to what I'm not certain about and suggest we get back together and we'll make everything work and I'll come to her when I graduate in the Summer blah blah, or if I should stay strong and try and move on (I went for coffee with a girl I met at a party for a couple of hours but besides that I've not been or even made any efforts to kickstart some sort of romance).

I just really feel like I need to get this stuff off my chest, I've lost the past 5 days when I should have been studying for exams next month :/

Cheers guys.
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Had the same issue when I was 21! (Although she was from denmark and has a kid, and also lived with her ex).

Cut it off and blanked her for a year. Easily one of the best decisions I made :)
 
Tacitus said:
I just really feel like I need to get this stuff off my chest, I've lost the past 5 days when I should have been studying for exams next month :/

Cheers guys.
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So you're going to suspend your studies, move to another country to be with a woman who broke up with you and is now seeing another guy?

What's she going to do for you? Where is her compromise?

You broke up for a reason, has that reason changed, are things different? What will stop you from falling back into the same old patterns with her? What happens at the end of the year away from your studies?

It sounds to me like you are getting emotionally pulled back into the past by a woman that misses you so much and still "has feelings for you", but not so much that she isn't sleeping with other men.

Cut ties, move on, find someone else, focus on your studies and exams to do what you need to get done, and don't be distracted by an ex who may harbour romantic memories of you, but can't live with you and doesn't really care that much for you.

Texts and sharing your inner thoughts with someone you have a shared history with creates an instant sense of intimacy that is false. You're feeling all the good times, and none of the bad times, but the reality is she's living in another country and seeing someone else, and you've got to concentrate on your studies to turn the page on your own life and get to where you want to go.
 
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Extremely good post steampunk, especially the first sentence and the the last one you made about texting and sharing inner thoughts.

Don't do it mate, do your studies or have a year off but don't go back with her. She will be forgotten in time and you will have someone else who will appreciate you and wants to be with you and knowone else.
 
Steampunk said:
So you're going to suspend your studies, move to another country to be with a woman who broke up with you and is now seeing another guy?

What's she going to do for you? Where is her compromise?

You broke up for a reason, has that reason changed, are things different? What will stop you from falling back into the same old patterns with her? What happens at the end of the year away from your studies?

It sounds to me like you are getting emotionally pulled back into the past by a woman that misses you so much and still "has feelings for you", but not so much that she isn't sleeping with other men.

Cut ties, move on, find someone else, focus on your studies and exams to do what you need to get done, and don't be distracted by an ex who may harbour romantic memories of you, but can't live with you and doesn't really care that much for you.

Texts and sharing your inner thoughts with someone you have a shared history with creates an instant sense of intimacy that is false. You're feeling all the good times, and none of the bad times, but the reality is she's living in another country and seeing someone else, and you've got to concentrate on your studies to turn the page on your own life and get to where you want to go.
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+1
 
ci_newman said:
Long distance AND she's already seeing somebody else - forget about it!
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xGBHxPegasus said:
Had the same issue when I was 21! (Although she was from denmark and has a kid, and also lived with her ex).

Cut it off and blanked her for a year. Easily one of the best decisions I made :)
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Steampunk said:
So you're going to suspend your studies, move to another country to be with a woman who broke up with you and is now seeing another guy?

What's she going to do for you? Where is her compromise?

You broke up for a reason, has that reason changed, are things different? What will stop you from falling back into the same old patterns with her? What happens at the end of the year away from your studies?

It sounds to me like you are getting emotionally pulled back into the past by a woman that misses you so much and still "has feelings for you", but not so much that she isn't sleeping with other men.

Cut ties, move on, find someone else, focus on your studies and exams to do what you need to get done, and don't be distracted by an ex who may harbour romantic memories of you, but can't live with you and doesn't really care that much for you.

Texts and sharing your inner thoughts with someone you have a shared history with creates an instant sense of intimacy that is false. You're feeling all the good times, and none of the bad times, but the reality is she's living in another country and seeing someone else, and you've got to concentrate on your studies to turn the page on your own life and get to where you want to go.
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bakes0310 said:
Extremely good post steampunk, especially the first sentence and the the last one you made about texting and sharing inner thoughts.

Don't do it mate, do your studies or have a year off but don't go back with her. She will be forgotten in time and you will have someone else who will appreciate you and wants to be with you and knowone else.
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Hey everyone, thank you for your replies, I read them earlier today and have been pondering it a bit again today.

To be clear, I absolutely am not stopping my studies now, I graduate in two months and nothing is getting in the way of that.

To address a few points made in above quotes directly:

- I did the long distance thing for years and know how to cope with it, to me that's not something that puts me off.
- I'm 95% certain that if I wanted to get her back I could, I know her inside-out emotionally and I know she means it when she says she still has feelings for me, plus she told me she was seeing someone because she felt guilty not saying so.
- I know that she does still care for me because she knows I'm feeling down about it and is texting me to see how I'm doing quite often.

However:

- I know there's little that would prevent us falling back into old patterns, besides the fact we didn't seem to suffer these issues when actually together. However, if I returned to study the issues I am 95% certain would re-emerge.
- I'm not sure how much I can really give her in terms of what she wants.
- Not yet had a "rebound", so perhaps that would help out, but I'm not sure I feel ready to move on, so to speak.
- Really not sure I want to cut ties though, she's been such a big part of me and my later teenage years and as I said, we still get on really well, and just has really always been there for me. We have discussed the bad times too though, so it's not all rose-tinted glasses.

But it's true, I do feel like I'm being sucked back into something that was ultimately destined to fail. I'm trying to shelve it again, I did my recent bout of grieving and now I'm trying to get out the house to study to keep me occupied and on-focus.

Thanks a lot though guys, nice to get some advice and opinions and just get it out.
 
quite simply. " I have feelings for you still " but its not going to stop me going out and finding a Bratwurst because i don't quite care for you that much.

Keep your self respect. tell her to do one
 
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