If you follow this advice, when talking food mention you fancy a pasty.
The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread
- Thread starter mattyprice4004
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If you follow this advice, when talking food mention you fancy a pasty.
Uuuurggghh, this is going to be a long one.
I met my girlfriend in a club 3 and half years ago and we hit it off from the first night. Had loads in common fancied each other massively and had similar interests across the board. She's a few years younger than me and was at uni at the time with friends a few years younger than her.
A few months in she had an STD show its ugly head and i ended up getting it another few months down the line. The sex went from constant to intermittent until about halfway through we finally decided to wait it out so it was pretty much non existant. All clear now but other issues have arisen in the meantime.
At first i was insecure and didn't have much confdence. Had a bad relationship before and when drunk i'd get down and have arguments with her and wouldn't trust her and we broke up a few times (only lasted a few days). We both got fed up and i vowed not to drink for the foreseeable future, at least until i was better myself and able to let go without any problems. Turns out i actually feel much better for not drinking and nowadays have 1-3 pints total when i go out, usually nothing at all. So while it was because of problems originally i've grown to prefer no alcohol and the idea of a hangover now disgusts me to the point of never wanting to drink again. She still see's it as me not being able to drink around her though and tends to hold it against me in an argument, she forgets that i don't drink with friends when she's not around either but then i'd be nitpicking.
Seems as soon as i've found confidence in myself however, all of hers started to disintegrate. She's from a troubled home, no father, problematic and mentally ill mother and sounds like she's had a pretty rough time of things. She didn't do great in her final year of uni and they offered her the opportunity to retake or have a % increase to bump her up a grade to a 2-2. She retook her final year of uni, which i didn't think was the best course of action but we moved in together and i helped her through it anyway. She came out with a 2-2 and a load more debt, no job options and missed the careers fair she said was so beneficial to her redoing the year. She took up a little cleaning job and we struggled financially for a few months and with it came all the normal problems two people with no money would suffer. We had a hard time and i started to feel stifled by her, she was always with me, whenever i saw my friends she was there and i never seemed to get time to myself. With increasing money problems she talked about moving out and getting her own place. She said a few things her brother had said before we moved in so i asked if he'd been sticking his nose in and telling her what to do. She flipped out accusing me of reading her facebook messages and all sorts so clearly something had been said.
She finally got a better paying job (only just) through a friend of mine and started work there. This is when she and our relationship kinda went spiraling out of control.
Her meds were switched to prozac and a few months into the job she went out with her new work mates and out of the blue, met some randomers, took a load of drugs and stayed out all night, ditching the work mates and having no house keys. Halfway through the night she texted me asking about coming home now and doing drunken naughty things so i stayed at said friends house waiting for her to come back so i could take her home. Around 3-4am and no contact i called it a night and went home as i had work in the morning. I woke up at 8.40 having overslept to find a missed message from an employee saying there was a problem at work and the store manager was going mental (paint spilled in front of a bunch of tills on busiest day of the week and my other cleaners had just left it) I raced into work and got a royal *******ing for being late and started sorting it out. At 9.15ish i started getting messages from her about how she was high and had taken loads of drugs and wanted me to come let her in because she'd left her house key. Tired and angry i didn't handle it great and told her i didn't care and she should sort it herself. I didn't really get left with a lot of options, it was either risk losing my job and let her in, have her come to the store and pick up the key (risking something happening at home and me being locked out as well) or leave her to it. In my current state i can see how i should have been more comforting and tell her to wait an hour or so and i'd come sort her out, but at the time i wasnt thinking clearly enough to say that.
A few minutes later i got a bunch of messages from her brother trying to guilt me into going and sorting her out. Already thinking he had been interfering and trying to break us up i didn't have much patience for him so I pointed out her immaturity and said i was busy at work but would get out when i could, and until then unless he was on a train to come help (2.5 hours admittedly) that he should back off and let me sort it out. Which prompted a bunch of insults, accusations and general speculative assumptions about me, my life and my character. We had an argument and i refused to talk to him for a couple of months.
Things stumbled along for us with good patches and bad patches. She ended up reading the messages between me and her brother and basically saw everything he said as being right, and everything i said as being wrong. We broke up and curiosity got the better of me so when home alone i read the facebook messages between her and her brother. I know it was wrong and i told her straight away, but figured i'd already been blamed for it and we were over so it wouldn't do anything worse. Turns out i was right, he'd said she needed to break up with me and said a bunch of stuff about how i'd never change and would drag her down in life. He'd only met me 2 or 3 times and knew what he was saying was bad because he was telling her to delete the messages. The worst part is at no point did she ever tell him something he said was untrue or try and defend me when he said things against me.
A few months later we were trying to carry on as normal. We had a nice christmas until early january she went out with friends, got drunk and cut herself across her face with a razor blade. Her brother came round to see her this time and spent a few days, the majority of which i stayed out the house to avoid any further trouble. On his last day here he waited till i was home and stormed into the room, laying into me about all sorts of stuff, what i did for a job how i wasn't talking to him. It was horrible. Eventually he calmed down and talked normally but things weren't okay between us, despite him thinking they were. So when i got a message a few weeks later saying he'd been dumped and was already on his way back to stay at our place i wasn't okay with it. He ended up staying in the travelodge down the road and the pair of them refused to see it from my point of view that after everything that happened i wasn't okay being stuck at home with him while she was at work.
She promised not to drink again while on medication and associated the blame onto that instead of herself. It was the pills, never her fault. a few weeks later though she went out again with friends and got drunk. When i called her at 5am to find out where she was she was actually in the house, bleeding heavily from the wrists and having cut her arms, legs and stomach with another razor. So rather than come and talk to me, she chose to do that while i was asleep. We ended up rushing her to hospital in an ambulance and getting her patched up.
She's put al her time into working recently and despite being paid minimum wage for her 9-5.30 job she's going in at 8 and leaving after 6 most nights. it's an hour or more of commuting each way depending on the trains and she never has time for herself. She's under the belief she has to put in free overtime to get a payrise and the other girls there all perpetuate the ridiculous idea that they should be working harder for the company in their spare time even though it's affecting all of their lives outside of work. She's stopped eating well, doesn't clean up the copius amounts of mess she's made and says i should clean up after her because she works longer hours. I generally don't create much mess so it's 90% hers anyway.
So now we're at an awkward point. Within the past weeks my health is better and sex is now a possibility. My money problems are well and truly over, my job isn't great but i'm making efforts to change that now. I've gotten myself a car and have stopped playing xbox every evening and started eating more healthily.
On the flipside, she's overworked, stressed out and underpaid with constant money problems and always running out of spare funds which means she has to borrow off me. She forgets her house keys all the time and hasn't been eating at work. She's made new, younger friends at work and has started going out all weekend partying with them and making plans to be with them during all of her spare time. She promises no alcohol and that she'll keep in touch so i know shes safe, then she isn't heard from and comes back hungover the next day. Me and her brother are on talking terms now and have put everything behind us, but she's still holding it against me. She says she can't be with me any more and that she thinks we should get separate places again and that we should start dating again once we're settled in but until then we're over.
I don't know what else to do, i think separation would be a backwards step and will only put off the problems with communication we're having with things that make us unhappy and i think when she moves closer to work there'll be every excuse under the sun that stops her from visiting me at my place (10-12 miles away). I've told her how much i love her and explained that after the self harm i've been distant to avoid getting hurt as badly by it again. So far i've had that she wants to move out because:
I never tidy
i played xbox too much
the problems with her brother
all the problems in general
that i was distant and we couldn't have sex
finally this weekend she admitted she doesn't think she's ready to settle down and wants to have fun while she's young. Which i take to read that at 25 she's got new 20 year old friends and the getting drunk lifestyle is more appealing than our relationship. She's taking herself off her meds to be able to drink with them and has already started looking at other places.
Sorry for the wall of text, i'm sure there's loads thats been missed out and i know there might not be much advice to give on it but being able to write it all down helped a lot.
I met my girlfriend in a club 3 and half years ago and we hit it off from the first night. Had loads in common fancied each other massively and had similar interests across the board. She's a few years younger than me and was at uni at the time with friends a few years younger than her.
A few months in she had an STD show its ugly head and i ended up getting it another few months down the line. The sex went from constant to intermittent until about halfway through we finally decided to wait it out so it was pretty much non existant. All clear now but other issues have arisen in the meantime.
At first i was insecure and didn't have much confdence. Had a bad relationship before and when drunk i'd get down and have arguments with her and wouldn't trust her and we broke up a few times (only lasted a few days). We both got fed up and i vowed not to drink for the foreseeable future, at least until i was better myself and able to let go without any problems. Turns out i actually feel much better for not drinking and nowadays have 1-3 pints total when i go out, usually nothing at all. So while it was because of problems originally i've grown to prefer no alcohol and the idea of a hangover now disgusts me to the point of never wanting to drink again. She still see's it as me not being able to drink around her though and tends to hold it against me in an argument, she forgets that i don't drink with friends when she's not around either but then i'd be nitpicking.
Seems as soon as i've found confidence in myself however, all of hers started to disintegrate. She's from a troubled home, no father, problematic and mentally ill mother and sounds like she's had a pretty rough time of things. She didn't do great in her final year of uni and they offered her the opportunity to retake or have a % increase to bump her up a grade to a 2-2. She retook her final year of uni, which i didn't think was the best course of action but we moved in together and i helped her through it anyway. She came out with a 2-2 and a load more debt, no job options and missed the careers fair she said was so beneficial to her redoing the year. She took up a little cleaning job and we struggled financially for a few months and with it came all the normal problems two people with no money would suffer. We had a hard time and i started to feel stifled by her, she was always with me, whenever i saw my friends she was there and i never seemed to get time to myself. With increasing money problems she talked about moving out and getting her own place. She said a few things her brother had said before we moved in so i asked if he'd been sticking his nose in and telling her what to do. She flipped out accusing me of reading her facebook messages and all sorts so clearly something had been said.
She finally got a better paying job (only just) through a friend of mine and started work there. This is when she and our relationship kinda went spiraling out of control.
Her meds were switched to prozac and a few months into the job she went out with her new work mates and out of the blue, met some randomers, took a load of drugs and stayed out all night, ditching the work mates and having no house keys. Halfway through the night she texted me asking about coming home now and doing drunken naughty things so i stayed at said friends house waiting for her to come back so i could take her home. Around 3-4am and no contact i called it a night and went home as i had work in the morning. I woke up at 8.40 having overslept to find a missed message from an employee saying there was a problem at work and the store manager was going mental (paint spilled in front of a bunch of tills on busiest day of the week and my other cleaners had just left it) I raced into work and got a royal *******ing for being late and started sorting it out. At 9.15ish i started getting messages from her about how she was high and had taken loads of drugs and wanted me to come let her in because she'd left her house key. Tired and angry i didn't handle it great and told her i didn't care and she should sort it herself. I didn't really get left with a lot of options, it was either risk losing my job and let her in, have her come to the store and pick up the key (risking something happening at home and me being locked out as well) or leave her to it. In my current state i can see how i should have been more comforting and tell her to wait an hour or so and i'd come sort her out, but at the time i wasnt thinking clearly enough to say that.
A few minutes later i got a bunch of messages from her brother trying to guilt me into going and sorting her out. Already thinking he had been interfering and trying to break us up i didn't have much patience for him so I pointed out her immaturity and said i was busy at work but would get out when i could, and until then unless he was on a train to come help (2.5 hours admittedly) that he should back off and let me sort it out. Which prompted a bunch of insults, accusations and general speculative assumptions about me, my life and my character. We had an argument and i refused to talk to him for a couple of months.
Things stumbled along for us with good patches and bad patches. She ended up reading the messages between me and her brother and basically saw everything he said as being right, and everything i said as being wrong. We broke up and curiosity got the better of me so when home alone i read the facebook messages between her and her brother. I know it was wrong and i told her straight away, but figured i'd already been blamed for it and we were over so it wouldn't do anything worse. Turns out i was right, he'd said she needed to break up with me and said a bunch of stuff about how i'd never change and would drag her down in life. He'd only met me 2 or 3 times and knew what he was saying was bad because he was telling her to delete the messages. The worst part is at no point did she ever tell him something he said was untrue or try and defend me when he said things against me.
A few months later we were trying to carry on as normal. We had a nice christmas until early january she went out with friends, got drunk and cut herself across her face with a razor blade. Her brother came round to see her this time and spent a few days, the majority of which i stayed out the house to avoid any further trouble. On his last day here he waited till i was home and stormed into the room, laying into me about all sorts of stuff, what i did for a job how i wasn't talking to him. It was horrible. Eventually he calmed down and talked normally but things weren't okay between us, despite him thinking they were. So when i got a message a few weeks later saying he'd been dumped and was already on his way back to stay at our place i wasn't okay with it. He ended up staying in the travelodge down the road and the pair of them refused to see it from my point of view that after everything that happened i wasn't okay being stuck at home with him while she was at work.
She promised not to drink again while on medication and associated the blame onto that instead of herself. It was the pills, never her fault. a few weeks later though she went out again with friends and got drunk. When i called her at 5am to find out where she was she was actually in the house, bleeding heavily from the wrists and having cut her arms, legs and stomach with another razor. So rather than come and talk to me, she chose to do that while i was asleep. We ended up rushing her to hospital in an ambulance and getting her patched up.
She's put al her time into working recently and despite being paid minimum wage for her 9-5.30 job she's going in at 8 and leaving after 6 most nights. it's an hour or more of commuting each way depending on the trains and she never has time for herself. She's under the belief she has to put in free overtime to get a payrise and the other girls there all perpetuate the ridiculous idea that they should be working harder for the company in their spare time even though it's affecting all of their lives outside of work. She's stopped eating well, doesn't clean up the copius amounts of mess she's made and says i should clean up after her because she works longer hours. I generally don't create much mess so it's 90% hers anyway.
So now we're at an awkward point. Within the past weeks my health is better and sex is now a possibility. My money problems are well and truly over, my job isn't great but i'm making efforts to change that now. I've gotten myself a car and have stopped playing xbox every evening and started eating more healthily.
On the flipside, she's overworked, stressed out and underpaid with constant money problems and always running out of spare funds which means she has to borrow off me. She forgets her house keys all the time and hasn't been eating at work. She's made new, younger friends at work and has started going out all weekend partying with them and making plans to be with them during all of her spare time. She promises no alcohol and that she'll keep in touch so i know shes safe, then she isn't heard from and comes back hungover the next day. Me and her brother are on talking terms now and have put everything behind us, but she's still holding it against me. She says she can't be with me any more and that she thinks we should get separate places again and that we should start dating again once we're settled in but until then we're over.
I don't know what else to do, i think separation would be a backwards step and will only put off the problems with communication we're having with things that make us unhappy and i think when she moves closer to work there'll be every excuse under the sun that stops her from visiting me at my place (10-12 miles away). I've told her how much i love her and explained that after the self harm i've been distant to avoid getting hurt as badly by it again. So far i've had that she wants to move out because:
I never tidy
i played xbox too much
the problems with her brother
all the problems in general
that i was distant and we couldn't have sex
finally this weekend she admitted she doesn't think she's ready to settle down and wants to have fun while she's young. Which i take to read that at 25 she's got new 20 year old friends and the getting drunk lifestyle is more appealing than our relationship. She's taking herself off her meds to be able to drink with them and has already started looking at other places.
Sorry for the wall of text, i'm sure there's loads thats been missed out and i know there might not be much advice to give on it but being able to write it all down helped a lot.
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Blah blah you're making a lot of excuses for her. She clearly can't sort her excrement out so I think it would do you a world of good to just move on and forget the sorry state of affairs. She has after all, her brother to look after her. She is trying to get out.. let her go!
Soldato
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I pity you for going through all that ****. Then again, I don't pity you for keeping her.
I would have left her after the first red flag.
I would have left her after the first red flag.
Its just hard. Its a huge section of my life and when things are good, they're great. I love her and want to see her happy. She says she still sees us being together as a couple in the future and that the space apart will do us good. But she says she's too angry about me not being okay with her brother stopping and him having to stay at a travelodge for us to be together and that after everything thats happened she doesnt want a relationship. Then 10 minutes later shes joking around with me and hugging me and says she loves me when she leaves the house. Mixed signals is an understatement! But her mum has been sectioned to a mental hospital last week and shes going to have to go back to her mums place to clear all the stuff out so i guess she'll have a bit of space to think then as well.
I think you just have to think this through logically, ask yourself some basic questions.
1) Do you see this getting better?
2) Even if it does get better, is this a relationship you want to be in? It sounds like (no offense meant here) that there has always been some reason for you two to argue since Day 1.
3) Is your relationship good for her? Is she going to get the help that it sounds like she needs while you are still together?
4) How hot are her new friends from work?!
1) Do you see this getting better?
2) Even if it does get better, is this a relationship you want to be in? It sounds like (no offense meant here) that there has always been some reason for you two to argue since Day 1.
3) Is your relationship good for her? Is she going to get the help that it sounds like she needs while you are still together?
4) How hot are her new friends from work?!
I always find that when a person says they doesn't want to settle down and wants to have fun it tends to mean they want to sleep around a lot. That phrase always rings warning bells to me.
It sounds like you love her but she doesn't love you very much.
It sounds like you love her but she doesn't love you very much.
Associate
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deleted
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Yeah i know, its just she was there for me through what was my rock bottom and i want to provide the same support for her. Its just hers is a somewhat bigger set of problems to deal with.
1) i honestly dont know. I'm not sure it could get any worse?
2) if it got better then yes. I love her, she's great and we have so much fun together, even doing the silly little things like going to the shops for snacks and messing about round the house.
3) i think there honestly have been times when i've not been in the right place myself to help her. As it currently stands i'm about the best i've ever been so at the minute i can. But i can feel it weighing me down as well, so i wont be able to provide support forever without becoming worn out myself. Everyone who knows us have said what a good influence i've been on her and she pushes me as well to be a better person.
4) all above average looking
I really dont think she wants that. She feels very awkward around guys and i think she does love me, but i'm not sure the attraction is there any more or at least if it is, theres so much other stuff going on she's confused and doesnt know how to feel about everything.
Associate
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she wants to have fun while she's young = means she wants new relationships.
drunk lifestyle more appealing : she will go back on drugs and alcohol.
you have to see what you want in your life, if you plan to have a long relationship with her, with babies etc, go away.
if you just want to get fun, stay with her.
drunk lifestyle : does she tolerate you and invite you in her parties? or she is with her own circle of friends? if she doesnt include you and dont make time anymore for you, move on...
honestly, i think you gave her a lot a lot a lot a lot of support and attention, and now she takes you in a circle that's not really temptating...
Soldato
- Joined
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- 5,455
This
Sounds salty to me. I feel like you have a hidden agenda posting this thread, like you want the person in question to read your post.
Either way, I don't agree with this post at all. Yes, if someone is too much of a package you shouldn't be forces to be with him/her. If someone wants to change, then the person in question needs to want to change. She sounds like she wants to continue doing what she is doing, if not worse, so it's not worth it.
The post above made me think... What happened to the guy who posted about his ex-girlfriend asking an advice what to do because she was screaming etc. outside of his house, and she found his post? I remember she posted half a selfie and the OP immediately asked for a delete. Anyone knows what happened to the guy, whether he is alive or dead, and what ended up happening?
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Associate
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deleted.
thx
thx
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Can't really see any future in this one. You both want different lifestyles, and she's looking for reasons not to be with you. She's broken, and doesn't really want to try fixing herself because she's quite happy where she is and doesn't think anything is her fault. She's self-medicating with drugs and drink because she's unhappy with her life.
I think you need to move on. If you don't, she will, sooner or later.
Why did you not leave her when she caught an STD?
Soldato
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Depends how she got it in the first place. Which is a whole other topic in itself.