The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[snips86x]

So its been a week since I've moved out and I've seen my partner twice and my son once. I had him all today which was really nice, it was a truly amazing day. The first time I saw my partner we popped to IKEA to get some furniture for his room and ended up with a Costa drive through and kanoodling.

While it was nice to spend this time with her, I went through the rest of the week feeling seriously down about not spending time with her...it was killing me. Seeing her today wasn't as bad but we did agree that considering its only been a week, we should try and keep it to friends without the benefits - hard to disagree considering.

What also makes it hard to keep hope alive for us returning to where we were previously is the constant references to me 'finding someone really nice'. However, I'm not sure this is something I want - if it is i feel I have an obligation to my wife!!

Progress is being made however, my wife suffers from depressions and social anxiety disorder which she has agreed to see the doctor about. According to on-line research, therapy could be provided but she is not under any circumstances going to accept pills as a solution!

While there isn't really a point to all this, it helps me understand by re-reading what's been going on - however, I'm not sure I'm any better for it this time round!

 

[413x]

I'm still really struggling.
I don't really know if time is going to heal this.
It's still very much like I don't want anything/care about anything.

I'm enjoying nothing at all at the moment. No purpose.
I'm not even excited any holiday to usa I had pre-booked

It's Also still that I think I'm right that really gets me.

It's a bit scary. And feel just like I want to disappear.
Too chicken to do anything silly but lack of purpose makes me not care.
Ugh. At least this is somewhere I can vent

The inevitable is actually a comfort right now. As no matter how bad things get. You do get that reset.
It's awful that makes me feel better!

 

[Steampunk]

I'm still really struggling.
I don't really know if time is going to heal this.
It's still very much like I don't want anything/care about anything.

It is normal to feel quite emotionally and mentally numb after going through this kind of emotional trauma. It's much like the way your body can't take constant fear before your adrenaline runs out and you just feel nothing.

It does get better with time, and getting out and doing things (exercise, friends, etc) does help speed that up. Even if you're just going to a movie, out to a meal, sitting in a sunny park with a book and watching the people go by. Your mind eventually sorts itself out and moves forwards as long as you are not determined to stay thinking about the past.

 

[Cosmic182]

So the girl I've been seeing for 5-6 months is jetting off to the US tomorrow to work at an all girls summer camp for 10 weeks. Her contract ended a couple of weeks ago at her last job so have to wait until she is back to see what her circumstances are. I guess if it is meant to be it will be either way. I need a hug.

 

[413x]

It is normal to feel quite emotionally and mentally numb after going through this kind of emotional trauma. It's much like the way your body can't take constant fear before your adrenaline runs out and you just feel nothing.

It does get better with time, and getting out and doing things (exercise, friends, etc) does help speed that up. Even if you're just going to a movie, out to a meal, sitting in a sunny park with a book and watching the people go by. Your mind eventually sorts itself out and moves forwards as long as you are not determined to stay thinking about the past.

I'm really struggling to get out. Apart from work and gym I just can't do it. I want to but I just can't.
I'm trying to figure out how to do what I need to do. Just can't get started.

 

[413x]

So the girl I've been seeing for 5-6 months is jetting off to the US tomorrow to work at an all girls summer camp for 10 weeks. Her contract ended a couple of weeks ago at her last job so have to wait until she is back to see what her circumstances are. I guess if it is meant to be it will be either way. I need a hug.

That's a while. But definately not to long to wait! Hope all goes well. I'm sure it will

 

[Steampunk]

I'm really struggling to get out. Apart from work and gym I just can't do it. I want to but I just can't.
I'm trying to figure out how to do what I need to do. Just can't get started.

That's quite understandable, and it's up to you to find your way through. Some people need therapy or a professional to talk to - you're basically grieving the loss of a relationship and your old life, and likely suffering from some level of depression. Some people have a support infrastructure in the form of their friends and family that they can lean on, if they are close to them. For others, it's simply a matter of mechanically getting out and doing things not because you want to or understand why, but just though sheer willpower and to turn the page to the next part of your life. Sometimes it just takes some time to hit rock bottom and heal up enough to manage to do what you need to do.

Things do get better with time, one way or another. The human body and pysche doesn't tend to favour sitting down and dying. In the end, we get up, eat food, go out and carry on. We drink when we get thirsty, we eat when we get hungry, and we eventually heal and move on because that's what life drives us to. As long as you want to keep living, these things inevitably follow. You may not feel that now, but you will, because in the end, it's the truth of what being alive is.

 

[413x]

It's the 'living' part that is the worry for me.
That and the loss/best gonna get has gone

I (for first time) genuinely an not fused if I went tomorrow. Because (right or wrong, time will tell) don't think things will ever be better than the past
I don't think I'll take action, but I definitely don't care. It's creepily pragmatic!

I can only go to the gym as it is the tiny bit of hope that it will make me look better and improve my future chances. It's this future thinking that is also my flaw. Because I go so far and come to the 'what's the point'

I think I've always struggled to live for 'tomorrow'
I either live for the literal moment, driving, games, theme parks
Or the long term, houses, cars, family
But not the weekend.

With the long term (in my head) being done it incredibly difficult to do anything beyond playing a game, going for a drive. Even the gym is hard to go to, as it's a tiny bit of hope only

It just doesn't feel like I'm broken. It all makes sense to me. Ugh. I'm making too many posts in these threads

 

[manic111]

I think my "problem" is pretty mundane compared to some of you - sorry to hear about what you're all going through. Despite that, I'm feeling pretty ****, so some advice/hugs/whatever would be great.

I met this American girl when I was travelling last year. Without wanting to sound too cheesy, we really hit it off. I'm not awful with people by any stretch, but it's really rare for me to connect with someone so deeply and so quickly. We texted pretty much daily after our respective trips, and have just met up for a week while she was travelling in Europe again.

Again we got on brilliantly, and we're already talking about sorting out another trip next year. I didn't "try anything" though, and was maybe a little too respectful in that regard - I didn't want to risk doing something stupid and ruining the week, and I'm awful at doing "flirty". That said, I do think there's something there.

Anyway, I'm now home and feeling terrible. On the one hand, I'd love to try to take this further, take the point of view that realistically I've got little to lose, and tell her how I'm feeling. I fully accept that a long distance relationship over the best part of 5000 miles is a ridiculous idea, and I wouldn't expect it to be exclusive or anything, but when we meet up next year we might both enjoy it more (and I'd enjoy knowing where I stand!).

On the other hand, I don't want to risk having totally misread the situation, look like a fool, and probably put an end to ever seeing her again.

I've got no idea what to do

 

[arknor]

get drunk, come on to her pretend you don't remember if your already friend zoned

 

[pingwing]

Send her a picture of your man hood...

That or just man up and don't bother with a 5000 mile long distance relationship, can't see that as a massively smart move

 

[adam98150]

On the other hand, I don't want to risk having totally misread the situation, look like a fool, and probably put an end to ever seeing her again.

I've got no idea what to do

Options are:

Do nothing and stay friends. Which is difficult to do when you have a thing for them (imagine if they get a partner and want to bring them along next time you meet up).

Or

Do something and even if it doesn't happen at least you can say you tried. Yeah you might lose a friend, but I'd hate to be just friends with somebody who I have a thing for.

 

[.Lethal]

So its been a week since I've moved out and I've seen my partner twice and my son once. I had him all today which was really nice, it was a truly amazing day. The first time I saw my partner we popped to IKEA to get some furniture for his room and ended up with a Costa drive through and kanoodling.

While it was nice to spend this time with her, I went through the rest of the week feeling seriously down about not spending time with her...it was killing me. Seeing her today wasn't as bad but we did agree that considering its only been a week, we should try and keep it to friends without the benefits - hard to disagree considering.

What also makes it hard to keep hope alive for us returning to where we were previously is the constant references to me 'finding someone really nice'. However, I'm not sure this is something I want - if it is i feel I have an obligation to my wife!!

Progress is being made however, my wife suffers from depressions and social anxiety disorder which she has agreed to see the doctor about. According to on-line research, therapy could be provided but she is not under any circumstances going to accept pills as a solution!

While there isn't really a point to all this, it helps me understand by re-reading what's been going on - however, I'm not sure I'm any better for it this time round!

If she wanted the separation why are you both messing about going to Costa? I understand there is a lot of history I really do, I've experienced this myself but don't you think these sort of things are going to make you feel worse? You want what she doesn't and unless she says otherwise then keep things amicable and nothing more.

Her saying how she wants you to find someone to be happy is another way of her expressing that she wants you to be happy because despite certain feelings being gone, she still cares for you as a friend. Understandably you don't want to hear her say those things, but if you cut down the emotional talk when you speak with her, she'll cut down on comments like that.

It's hard to accept these things but try to keep yourself busy with other things no matter how hard it seems it will get easier in time.

 

[Roar87]

So its been a week since I've moved out and I've seen my partner twice and my son once. I had him all today which was really nice, it was a truly amazing day. The first time I saw my partner we popped to IKEA to get some furniture for his room and ended up with a Costa drive through and kanoodling.

While it was nice to spend this time with her, I went through the rest of the week feeling seriously down about not spending time with her...it was killing me. Seeing her today wasn't as bad but we did agree that considering its only been a week, we should try and keep it to friends without the benefits - hard to disagree considering.

What also makes it hard to keep hope alive for us returning to where we were previously is the constant references to me 'finding someone really nice'. However, I'm not sure this is something I want - if it is i feel I have an obligation to my wife!!

Progress is being made however, my wife suffers from depressions and social anxiety disorder which she has agreed to see the doctor about. According to on-line research, therapy could be provided but she is not under any circumstances going to accept pills as a solution!

While there isn't really a point to all this, it helps me understand by re-reading what's been going on - however, I'm not sure I'm any better for it this time round!

Your wife isn't attracted to you anymore and you're making it very easy for her to move on by being so desperate to see her. You should not be contacting her first, make yourself busy and unavailable, let her miss you if you want her back. At the moment she can click her fingers and you'd get back together in a heart beat, does that sound like an attractive quality in a man?

 

[Vidar]

Gawd give the poor guy some slack this is a very painful and emotional time for him and if its anything like how I felt very confusing too...

That said, snips you do need to back off from your wife altogether for the time being. The only thing you two should be communicating about at the moment is when you're seeing your son, she needs to see what it's like to function in life without you being there for her as a partner and you need to realise that this may be permanent and dealing with it as such.

So no more speaking every day, no more canoodling or pasty smashing or trips to ikea or helping her move the couch or any other excuse to see her unless she tells you in no uncertain terms that she wants to get back together. Trust me on this one.

 

[Ayahuasca]

Your wife isn't attracted to you anymore and you're making it very easy for her to move on by being so desperate to see her. You should not be contacting her first, make yourself busy and unavailable, let her miss you if you want her back. At the moment she can click her fingers and you'd get back together in a heart beat, does that sound like an attractive quality in a man?

You must be quite the alpha male.

 

[snips86x]

If she wanted the separation why are you both messing about going to Costa? I understand there is a lot of history I really do, I've experienced this myself but don't you think these sort of things are going to make you feel worse? You want what she doesn't and unless she says otherwise then keep things amicable and nothing more.

Her saying how she wants you to find someone to be happy is another way of her expressing that she wants you to be happy because despite certain feelings being gone, she still cares for you as a friend. Understandably you don't want to hear her say those things, but if you cut down the emotional talk when you speak with her, she'll cut down on comments like that.

It's hard to accept these things but try to keep yourself busy with other things no matter how hard it seems it will get easier in time.

I know its going to make me feel worse, it did so after the first time we met up. Remember, it's been a week so this was bound to happen at some point. I know what you mean, but I have an expectation that we can continue doing "things" we did before - I know this is wrong and I'm working on trying to remove it from my train of though.

Your wife isn't attracted to you anymore and you're making it very easy for her to move on by being so desperate to see her. You should not be contacting her first, make yourself busy and unavailable, let her miss you if you want her back. At the moment she can click her fingers and you'd get back together in a heart beat, does that sound like an attractive quality in a man?

Not entirely true, there are still feelings and attractions there, but we can't really do anything about it as it skews the line between friends (now without benifits) and issues which I will not disclose on a public forum - but I do see your point. I'm keeping myself busy with work (not sure that's a good thing) and I spent the entire day yesterday out with my camera. It was an amazing day and didn't feel guilty about "needing" to be at home.

Gawd give the poor guy some slack this is a very painful and emotional time for him and if its anything like how I felt very confusing too...

That said, snips you do need to back off from your wife altogether for the time being. The only thing you two should be communicating about at the moment is when you're seeing your son, she needs to see what it's like to function in life without you being there for her as a partner and you need to realise that this may be permanent and dealing with it as such.

So no more speaking every day, no more canoodling or pasty smashing or trips to ikea or helping her move the couch or any other excuse to see her unless she tells you in no uncertain terms that she wants to get back together. Trust me on this one.

I know I do and I've started telling myself I will only speak to her if she contacts me first. We've talked about our son and my first weekend was amazing!

I'm sincerely hoping its not permanent but I do get an uneasy feeling it may well be. There has been progress, as previously mentioned, she's realised that she has personal issues that she needs to work through - therapy may be required, which isn't something she was willing to admit previously. Time will tell but I'm impatient

 

[Roar87]

You must be quite the alpha male.

There's a fine line to balance but generally speaking you're better off being too tough than too weak when it comes to women, too weak gets cheated on/monkey branched

 

[Stewy]

I was having a bit of a **** Monday, Roar, but your internet hard man routine has cheered me up slightly as I don't think there is even a tinge of sarcasm in your posts.

manic, I think, hard as it's gonna be, there is no point pursuing a girl that lives in the US - if something happens on one of the times you meet, it's only going to make it worse when you live so far away and can only see each other a couple of times a year. It's best letting it suck a little bit now than to screw yourself over in the future.

 

[Ayahuasca]

manic, I think, hard as it's gonna be, there is no point pursuing a girl that lives in the US - if something happens on one of the times you meet, it's only going to make it worse when you live so far away and can only see each other a couple of times a year. It's best letting it suck a little bit now than to screw yourself over in the future.

This, don't catch dem feels.