The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Roar87 said:
Your wife isn't attracted to you anymore and you're making it very easy for her to move on by being so desperate to see her. You should not be contacting her first, make yourself busy and unavailable, let her miss you if you want her back. At the moment she can click her fingers and you'd get back together in a heart beat, does that sound like an attractive quality in a man?
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Lol, that one is straight out of Gossip Girl. If the women you've dated have that mentality, maybe it's time to expand the pool from which you make your choices (or wait for them to grow up a bit ;) ). Life partners who have made serious commitments don't play games and, if they do, they were not serious in the first place.
 
Zethor said:
Lol, that one is straight out of Gossip Girl. If the women you've dated have that mentality, maybe it's time to expand the pool from which you make your choices (or wait for them to grow up a bit ;) ). Life partners who have made serious commitments don't play games and, if they do, they were not serious in the first place.
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Oh that's cute, you think calling a woman a life partner means that the laws of attraction are going to change. That'll be why 42% of marriages end in divorce, and 66% of those are initiated by women, though I can't say I'm surprised when adult men are asking for relationship advice in a thread entitled "Counselling and Hugs"
 
If there's something bothering you, and you tell your partner, and they're response isn't remotely sympathetic, but is in fact them saying that it's the way YOU choose to interpret the situation that is causing the problem, do you take that as a supportive pep- talk, or do you think they are being unloving and unkind and are trying to minimise the issue at hand?

Any thoughts?
 
mrochester said:
If there's something bothering you, and you tell your partner, and they're response isn't remotely sympathetic, but is in fact them saying that it's the way YOU choose to interpret the situation that is causing the problem, do you take that as a supportive pep- talk, or do you think they are being unloving and unkind and are trying to minimise the issue at hand?

Any thoughts?
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Depends on the context. I.e. the issue at hand.
 
adam98150 said:
Depends on the context. I.e. the issue at hand.
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Well, I live with my ex, and my house is always dirty/untidy precisely because he is a slob. This makes me uncomfortable/unhappy. My partner advised me that I'm choosing to let it bother me and make me unhappy and that it should just not let it bother me.
 
mrochester said:
Well, I live with my ex, and my house is always dirty/untidy precisely because he is a slob. This makes me uncomfortable/unhappy. My partner advised me that I'm choosing to let it bother me and make me unhappy and that it should just not let it bother me.
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Your partner probably realises that there is little you can do about it while living with your ex. So he may simply be trying to play the issue down rather than make a more sginificant problem of it.
 
Hades said:
Your partner probably realises that there is little you can do about it while living with your ex. So he may simply be trying to play the issue down rather than make a more sginificant problem of it.
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Initially to me it felt quite hurtful as if my problems didn't matter. It might have been the way the message was delivered more than anything else.
 
Roar87 said:
Oh that's cute, you think calling a woman a life partner means that the laws of attraction are going to change. That'll be why 42% of marriages end in divorce, and 66% of those are initiated by women, though I can't say I'm surprised when adult men are asking for relationship advice in a thread entitled "Counselling and Hugs"
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The laws of attraction do change, mostly with age, and the divorce rate has little to do with them. Financial arguments and the atittude of each spouse during conflicts are the leading causes of divorce.
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/09/100928152022.htm
http://www.k-state.edu/media/newsreleases/jul13/predictingdivorce71113.html

As for 'playing hard to get' or other similar games, if they work, that shows only one thing: the person does not know what they want and it's very difficult to build anything in the long term with someone like that. Playing games may provide sexual partners but not much else I'm afraid. :)
 
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mrochester said:
Well, I live with my ex, and my house is always dirty/untidy precisely because he is a slob. This makes me uncomfortable/unhappy. My partner advised me that I'm choosing to let it bother me and make me unhappy and that it should just not let it bother me.
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As we haven't heard it the way your partner has, can you separate which makes you more unhappy:

1) living with a slob
2) living with your ex
3) living with your slobby ex

Remember, your partner isn't there for you to unload all your problems onto. It's your living situation, I don't think it's for him to fix. Unless he's a slob too, in which case (hug).
 
Stewy said:
I was having a bit of a **** Monday, Roar, but your internet hard man routine has cheered me up slightly as I don't think there is even a tinge of sarcasm in your posts.

manic, I think, hard as it's gonna be, there is no point pursuing a girl that lives in the US - if something happens on one of the times you meet, it's only going to make it worse when you live so far away and can only see each other a couple of times a year. It's best letting it suck a little bit now than to screw yourself over in the future.
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Slow reply to everyone, but yeah I know you're all right. It's just rare for me to connect with someone quite this much. This week has been absolute balls, but I'll cheer up!
 
Stewy said:
I was having a bit of a **** Monday, Roar, but your internet hard man routine has cheered me up slightly as I don't think there is even a tinge of sarcasm in your posts.

manic, I think, hard as it's gonna be, there is no point pursuing a girl that lives in the US - if something happens on one of the times you meet, it's only going to make it worse when you live so far away and can only see each other a couple of times a year. It's best letting it suck a little bit now than to screw yourself over in the future.
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Slow reply to everyone, but yeah I know you're all right. It's just rare for me to connect with someone quite this much. This week has been absolute balls, but I'll cheer up!

The only minor complication is that I'm lucky enough to have a US passport, and have always intended to move out there at some point, but I guess if I do we might reconnect then!
 
mrochester said:
Well, I live with my ex, and my house is always dirty/untidy precisely because he is a slob. This makes me uncomfortable/unhappy. My partner advised me that I'm choosing to let it bother me and make me unhappy and that it should just not let it bother me.
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There is no way could live with my ex.
Literally no way.
 
malachi said:
This.

Too much emotional baggage.
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When my ex (still feels weird) told me we were over but she needed time to 'think' and it ended being a week I have never felt so close to ending it.
I so nearly took to my s2000 to see how fast it would go. I was at the door.
I dropped nearly 2 inches off my waist (34 to 32) as I could not eat. Literally a yoghurt at most a day.
It was a week of uncertainty, but it wasn't.
It's not an exaggeration I felt physically sick for 7 days.

Even half, a quarter of that would wreck me.

Again, it's not an exaggeration I'd rather have slept outside.
 
al4x said:
When my ex (still feels weird) told me we were over but she needed time to 'think' and it ended being a week I have never felt so close to ending it.
I so nearly took to my s2000 to see how fast it would go. I was at the door.
I dropped nearly 2 inches off my waist (34 to 32) as I could not eat. Literally a yoghurt at most a day.
It was a week of uncertainty, but it wasn't.
It's not an exaggeration I felt physically sick for 7 days.

Even half, a quarter of that would wreck me.

Again, it's not an exaggeration I'd rather have slept outside.
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All this over a girl??? I think seriously you need so see someone bud.

Breakups are bad yeh that just a part of life not all of it.
 
leon4112 said:
All this over a girl??? I think seriously you need so see someone bud.

Breakups are bad yeh that just a part of life not all of it.
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Yep.
It was a six year relationship and all I had.
Dog, best friend, fiance, future.
I made her, us my everything,
Really I lost everything my life was. Made the mistake of giving everything up. But I was happy.

Literally nothing really matters to me anymore.
Dramatic but genuine

I dont think I'll get that feeling again
Two reasons
I know now it can all go, even what felt great yesterday
I probably went find better

The first is actually probably more damaging.
If something I felt was so fine went as quick as that I doubt I'll ever feel as committed/secure/in love again.
Once burnt twice shy
On the plus I also won't feel as bad
That's a sad thought

Agree it sounds dramatic but it's true
 
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wow, so I've been at this place for 2 weeks and I'm in Turkey for 2 weeks from next Friday. I'm coming home and needing to move out the weekend I get back, just what I needed.

My Dad has offered to put me up for a limited time (hopefully no less than 2 months) which should (I hope) give me and my wife enough time to sort things out. The colleague who has put me up has offered me her parents garage which has been converted to a bedsit, which is nice but I've yet to see it. Same rent but I get space for me without sharing.

I'm not quite sure what the following months will bring, I feel very uneasy about where I'm going to live. So long as I can get to/from work I don't really care but I don't like where this is going......
 
al4x said:
Yep.
It was a six year relationship and all I had.
Dog, best friend, fiance, future.
I made her, us my everything,
Really I lost everything my life was. Made the mistake of giving everything up. But I was happy.

Literally nothing really matters to me anymore.
Dramatic but genuine

I dont think I'll get that feeling again
Two reasons
I know now it can all go, even what felt great yesterday
I probably went find better

The first is actually probably more damaging.
If something I felt was so fine went as quick as that I doubt I'll ever feel as committed/secure/in love again.
Once burnt twice shy
On the plus I also won't feel as bad
That's a sad thought

Agree it sounds dramatic but it's true
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Don't worry mate, it will get better, I promise.
 
Boo, I cracked at work today.
Lost all composure, had to step out. I've never cried at work before.

It's been a tough week. Thought I was at least coping!
 
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