The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[mayweather12]

I'd be very sceptical about this situation and many people will jump to the conclusion that she is having her cake and eating it (secure & family based relationship with you, and her ex as a bit on the side for thrills).

it won't be anything severe enough for her to worry about, giving her a lot of power in the relationship to do as she pleases.

This is totally the truth, I agree with you, and thank you for echoing my thoughts. Do I put my foot down, I guess will turn into an argument for the first time ever?...and see if she just leaves or adjusts?

 

[V F]

Think we all need to chip in to get Alex a flesh-light?

Or some testosterone supplements.

 

[.Lethal]

Apologies for the long post in advance, just in a real predicament.

Hi, Well then, I've been meeting up with a girl since February, the most amazing times have been spent together. I learned that she was abused by her ex, and he's the type to come around hers a little aggressive etc... I'm the complete opposite, not a bum, have a solid job etc....

I have met her mum, sisters, as she has like wise with me. We are very serious on an emotional level, we used to have intercourse / foreplay daily, but about 1.5 month ago stopped as she had hurt her hip (sciatica). It is now fixed and I have brought it up in convo as to why we aren't and she says just, there's no reason but she will start soon but she hasn't. I know she was very sexually active with all her other partners from what she says, and she admitted this.

I have a real feeling she isn't with me not only as I am a little weighty (but as she said, this didn't stop her at first at all)... but maybe I have been 'too' nice to her, in the sense I have treated her like an angel I'd say, took her everywhere and anywhere, etc.. this is definitely not the case with other partners she has had, she admits this openly... maybe she is just on this this emotional high with me, and sex hasn't had to be a requirement she feels, which of course it isn't, I am not a pushy guy in that sense.

I have realised whilst she's been with me a random phone number texting her a lot which she hasn't saved his name but a quick glance confirmed it is her ex. I am pretty much afraid she has either been meeting him / in touch even though when I mentioned when drunk "forget the rest" ... Either she has to talk to him because of his abusive ways or because she still has a link with him and maybe she is doing sexual things with him, as he was quite good looking (I'm a bit fat I'll be honest but lost 10kg whilst being with her)...

Now I know she loves me she rings me every morning without fail and see's me daily... She speaks all the time how she thinks I will fit in with her family and she wants marriage etc it's obvious even her sisters have said this quietly to me. I'm just not sure how to approach this.

The thing is, I meet her daily, for a good solid 4-5 hours. Speak throughout the day otherwise, so to be fair, its not possible she is meeting him. It could be the case I thought that she is 'letting him down' lightly, and maybe I should wait and this may die down (Her contacting him).

Another thing, I am sure she wants me, she has me around her sister's children, they adore me (wrote me a card etc) and I am around hers in evenings, (Just not in bed always, well not in a while haha).

My graduation is in two weeks, and she has hinted that she would like to be there (she suggested it, not me). She mentions about meeting her dad etc, when we are ready to make an absolute commitment (Engage) or something, i just don't see these types of conversations being discussed without intent, especially when I have met her entire family on more than one occasion (Daily near enough here and there).

First of, we went tennis (her suggestion) yesterday, with my mother and sister, herself, and her older sister, who for the first time met my mum. She had an amazing time, but it seemed my girlfriend was a bit quiet. After the night, her older sister said she had an amazing time, considered us family etc, and said that her sister (my gf) will have a loving long life with us etc....

Right, well I said, as a independent person, I have been getting mixed signals as of late, and she said there is no doubt she loves me to an exceptional level...as well as my family she gets a long with great and knows I will be perfect for her, and no one else has got along with her and I the way we do when we are together. The little things annoy me as in, she has woke me up every morning, but today she didn't text me morning, I rang her, she was okay on the phone, but not special....

Would it be wrong of me, when her sister said I am here for you two no matter what to suggest that I feel I have a little concern in regards to her ex? ... I don't want my girlfriend to flip if I asked her in person, and maybe her sister knows a bit more than me and can explain to me the scenario.

Another thing, if I was to mention to my girl that I feel she is talking to her ex, well she is going to ask how do I know, as it is one long number (she hasn't saved his name on her phone / changed it).... The reason I know is one day we was drunk and her phone buzzed and the text read something which pretty much confirmed it, and as a weirdo I rang the number (on my phone, with no caller ID) and as I guessed, was a guy...

Again, I am going to be honest, I'm pretty torn right now. She just messaged saying would my mum and sister want to go for a slushy together later, as we couldn't last night...these mixed signals are crazy. It seems though that she wants to integrate heavily with my family though, and this hasn't been the case with any of her previous relationships, I know that for sure. We aren't getting enough us time....but when I said that, she said its not all about sex.
Would really like some advice. Thanks

The first thing you need to understand by posting all of that is that nothing said here will fix it, people can only offer advice and its up to you what you do with it.

You've only been dating for a very short time, the topic of long term commitment, marriage and so on is far to soon, especially if she has come out of an unstable relationship with an abusive ex. I wouldn't be surprised if she has not got over that.

Whilst you seem like the great guy that you are if we were to ask her what hangups she has about you, she'd probably tell some that would surprise you, every person has them. You come across as you've not had many relationships although this is just an observation, you come across to strong from what I read from your post. You're too certain of things about your gf.

Let's sum up some of the things that has happened recently.

You think she's texting her ex, yet this could be someone new she has met?
She just met your mum
You've compared yourself with her ex's appearance, and brought up your weight more than once.
Sex life has gone downhill, and when she wants to meet up its with family, when you want alone time she recites it's not just about sex. Sex is certainly a problem.

Things that you've suggested which you should not do.

Talk to her sister. Her sister will always side with her family, not you. Anything you tell her will be told to her, potentially straining relationships between you all. The things you tell her would probably be a first that she is hearing, maybe even surprise her or find hard to accept.

Go through her phone. Even if she is in contact with her ex, this is her choice however you have a right to confront her about it, just not by this means. It is wrong.

Things that you should do

This is the most important, talk to her about every concern you have typed here, and any you've not told us that also bother you. Also ask about your sexual relationship because the reason of "she will start soon" made me laugh. Maybe she is embarrassed, or doesn't want to upset your feelings. Reassure her that she can talk about anything with you.

If she is in contact with her ex, consider that this might be affecting her, bringing back bad memories for her. She might be handling this by distracting time with family and could be a reason for lack of sex/alone time recently.

Stop assuming she has or has not met her ex, you simply don't know until you ask.

She loves you, but she may not be in love with you. Your sexual relationship has slowed down, she's texting someone else and when you want alone time, she wants to spend it with your family. Again, speak with her and find out what's going on.

It might also be a good idea to write everything down so that when you talk to her you won't forget anything that's on your mind.

Congrats on losing 10kg, and keep at it.

 

[sb89]

NB: the following are based on my opinion only and shouldn't be taken as proper relationship advice.

She's already taken precautions to hide her ex's contact details from you, it sounds like she has quite some baggage she's taken into this relationship and is using your family to create the appearance of a secure and functional relationship between the two of you, despite there being trust & physical contact issues between the two of you now, 6 months into a relationship that she seems keen to develop into a marriage/family.

I'd be very sceptical about this situation and many people will jump to the conclusion that she is having her cake and eating it (secure & family based relationship with you, and her ex as a bit on the side for thrills).

You can either confront her now and discuss the issue and risk hurting her feelings if it turns out to be an unfounded concern, or you can play the waiting game and try and gather some more information, either through investigation, or just by asking the right questions without giving your intentions away.

Ultimately if the trust has already gone and you feel unable / out of your depth communicating with the woman you love / want to marry and share a family with, it's already a very shaky foundation on which to develop a life-long relationship on. Depends on how desperate you are to be with this woman and how much you are willing to compromise your own piece of mind for a slice of romantic happiness. She probably knows you are unlikely to confront her and if you do, it won't be anything severe enough for her to worry about, giving her a lot of power in the relationship to do as she pleases.

Echo those saying try to be more forward in initiating and see if you can pick up some more signals that maybe will prompt you as to her true feelings, give you something less confrontational than reading her texts to base your "chat" with her on.

This is what I thought too. Maybe her parents didn't like her ex-bf and she's using you as some sort of front while secretly she's contacting her ex?

You're not going to know until you ask her. You can try and ignore it but you won't be able to, it'll eat away at you. You just have to be honest with her and let her know how you feel.

 

[arknor]

but about 1.5 month ago stopped as she had hurt her hip (sciatica). It is now fixed and I have brought it up in convo as to why we aren't and she says just, there's no reason but she will start soon but she hasn't.

I had sciatica from over doing cycling last summer.
the only pain was when I tried to raise my leg like going up stairs etc. (unless I tried going for a short bike ride in which case my leg wanted to be stiff as a board after)

certainly wouldn't have got in the way of sex.

could just be an excuse, if you want a sexless relationship go for it.

if not I'd become distant and not let her stay comfortable and dictating a relationship on her terms.

might seem petty but what's the point in a GF you never sleep with or once a few weeks? single people get more and she might as well just be a "friend" you spend time with

 

[Elixir]

I had sciatica from over doing cycling last summer.
the only pain was when I tried to raise my leg like going up stairs etc. (unless I tried going for a short bike ride in which case my leg wanted to be stiff as a board after)

certainly wouldn't have got in the way of sex.

Girls generally have to raise their legs in one way or another when having sex.

 

[colzboppo]

This is totally the truth, I agree with you, and thank you for echoing my thoughts. Do I put my foot down, I guess will turn into an argument for the first time ever?...and see if she just leaves or adjusts?

I think it's very easy for someone on the internet to point out the flaws of someone's relationship then advise them to go in with a wrecking ball of accusations and boxing stance. Backing off and creating some distance also seems like a bit of a cop out if you actually really care about this person.

I think the best approach might be total honesty, if you've spoken to her sister about your concerns she might already be aware and you need to clear the air and just come out and say "We need to talk, something's not right and I don't know if it's me, or you, but I want to solve it because [insert heartfelt sentiment]". Your just opening lines of communication with her, the more you do it, the easier it gets for both of you to talk, bottle it up and you'll be paralysed with inaction.

 

[arknor]

Girls generally have to raise their legs in one way or another when having sex.

not in my experiences there are many positions such as the spoon.

Where there's a will there's a way.
and well when there's no will no cuddles and a snuggles

 

[Tacitus]

This is totally the truth, I agree with you, and thank you for echoing my thoughts. Do I put my foot down, I guess will turn into an argument for the first time ever?...and see if she just leaves or adjusts?

Hi mate, sorry to hear you're having issues.

The last thing you want to do if you want this to be a long-term and trusting relationship is reveal you've been going through her phone. I never trusted my ex in the same way again after she went through my emails, and I was powerless to retaliate in the same way since her native tongue is Dutch and lives her daily life in German... But in short, don't go there.

I think it's a good thing she invites you and your family to do stuff, it shows she is actually interested/likes you and them.

Don't go to her sister for advice, she might be "there for you" but she's there for your GF more than anyone else. If my brother's GF (if he ever gets one, haha) came to me for advice on him/how he's feeling I'd most likely tell my brother.

The sex issue is awkward, on the one hand, it might be the end of the "honeymoon" period in all relationships and stuff is settling down a bit more, but there might be more to it than that. With my ex we had sex all the time at first, but when we lived together it was sometimes like once per week or less. We were together for like five years and the spark really wasn't there any more.

Play the long game, keep quiet about it, and see how things pan out over the next little while, but remember, you're young, don't make hasty decisions over things like family and marriage. I certainly was unable to make these commitments (I'm 21) and that's part of why I'm now single.

Hope you have a great graduation day, I graduated last week and had an amazing day!

 

[413x]

I'd say do everything you can to save it if you think it's worth it. (as in you want to)
But don't be taken for a mug

I did all I could at the end to know mine couldn't have been saved.
Make sure you are sure what is going on is going on if you can.
If she's doing the full dirty, do what you need to do,
If it's ambiguous monitor it if you can

It's obviously enough to worry you, so I doubt you can leave it be.

Or some testosterone supplements.

On my issues..
Maybe I do need some sort of 'man up' hormones. I had considered it (steroids/testosterone)
Really does seem like people who don't give an F are generally happier than those who can't hold down or get a relationship but want one

 

[Tacitus]

I thought I'd also drop an update on where I'm at and how it's changed my day-to-day attitude.

My ex and I split up about 8 months ago now, and a few months ago I was in a real hole, I did the grieving I never let myself do at the time, and I wanted to get back with her because I really missed her a lot. We had been talking a little, and while I enjoyed it, it always left me with a bitter and empty feeling because I missed her. It was made all the worse because she was seeing someone else by this point too. It was hard going, we'd been dating for almost five years and had lived together for a year. She had been my only real girlfriend, and I hadn't been on a date since I was 16 as a result.

Anyway, after grieving I decided I needed to get a grip and force myself to move on, and I'm glad I did. I got round doing some of the stuff I wanted to do, I started trying to improve myself, and decided to start dating again. It was awkward at first, but things are going well. I've lost some weight, made loads of new friends (ex was holding me back in that respect I think) and in truth, I'm just happier now. Got a third date lined up for this weekend which I'm pretty excited about, liking the girl, so fingers crossed there's something there

My point really to everyone is I thought I'd never get over my ex, and would never be as happy again. But I remember the moment I decided I'd get back on my horse and move on from her. From that moment onwards I've been leading a happier, more fulfilling life, and if you're having a tough time, you need to look in the mirror and say the same type of thing I said to myself. Because trust me, you can do it, and you'll be happier for it.

 

[413x]

I thought I'd also drop an update on where I'm at and how it's changed my day-to-day attitude.

My ex and I split up about 8 months ago now, and a few months ago I was in a real hole, I did the grieving I never let myself do at the time, and I wanted to get back with her because I really missed her a lot. We had been talking a little, and while I enjoyed it, it always left me with a bitter and empty feeling because I missed her. It was made all the worse because she was seeing someone else by this point too. It was hard going, we'd been dating for almost five years and had lived together for a year. She had been my only real girlfriend, and I hadn't been on a date since I was 16 as a result.

Anyway, after grieving I decided I needed to get a grip and force myself to move on, and I'm glad I did. I got round doing some of the stuff I wanted to do, I started trying to improve myself, and decided to start dating again. It was awkward at first, but things are going well. I've lost some weight, made loads of new friends (ex was holding me back in that respect I think) and in truth, I'm just happier now. Got a third date lined up for this weekend which I'm pretty excited about, liking the girl, so fingers crossed there's something there

My point really to everyone is I thought I'd never get over my ex, and would never be as happy again. But I remember the moment I decided I'd get back on my horse and move on from her. From that moment onwards I've been leading a happier, more fulfilling life, and if you're having a tough time, you need to look in the mirror and say the same type of thing I said to myself. Because trust me, you can do it, and you'll be happier for it.

If you don't mind me asking

With my forum venting, how similar do you think your emotions/thoughts are to mine?
6 years and most of that living together for me

I'm probably 2 months in, think I've broken contact (as I can't cope with seeing her move on, especially with someone else)

What I've written is genuinely how I've fwlt

Genuine guilt (probably the hardest)
Loss
Best thing ever
Never do better than what I had
Will never feel Same as again about anyone
Etc

 

[Surfer]

And hope she comes back kind of thing, she realises what she has been doing is wrong etc?

tbh if you are sure she has been texting her ex then thats bad news. As it could mean there has been more than just txting going on.

You could do as others suggest and confront her about it but not in an aggressive way...but that relies on her telling the truth to you. Sadly having been in this position before i dont think she would tell the truth. But you should ask her innocently if she is still in contact with her ex... if she says no then you know for sure she is lying ...and i'm afraid should start preparing yourself emotionally for **** storm....

I would then put the brakes on big time in your relationship and that includes family time with each others families. Make up whatever excuse you have to.

Think of yourself - i get the feeling you try to do everything for her and make sure she is ok all the time. You need to protect your own feelings as well.

 

[Tacitus]

This is totally the truth, I agree with you, and thank you for echoing my thoughts. Do I put my foot down, I guess will turn into an argument for the first time ever?...and see if she just leaves or adjusts?

If you don't mind me asking

With my forum venting, how similar do you think your emotions/thoughts are to mine?
6 years and most of that living together for me

I'm probably 2 months in, think I've broken contact (as I can't cope with seeing her move on, especially with someone else)

What I've written is genuinely how I've fwlt

Genuine guilt (probably the hardest)
Loss
Best thing ever
Never do better than what I had
Will never feel Same as again about anyone
Etc

Of course I don't mind you asking.

I felt, and still do feel some guilt, but probably because I wasn't emotionally in it when she was going through the grievance period before we actually split up, we had a lot of arguments and were taking small breaks etc. It was wrong that I didn't give her the emotional attention she deserved before the split up, and it's something that I'll never do again, because to be honest, I was a bit of a dick towards the end. I never engaged with her in what she thought was ruining our relationship, and I never attempted to address any of her concerns.

Loss didn't come immediately for me, more a weight off my shoulders, it wasn't crash and burn, more like a long drawn-out bleeding to death. It was a breath of fresh air to be able to go about my business and not have to worry about her, or the next time we'd talk. But when loss hit it hit hard, I was extremely stressed, depressed and it was ruining my life. I was moping around, losing sleep, being less productive etc. I had a really intense period of that for about two weeks, but I think it was the grieving I never allowed myself when we initially split.

Best thing ever is a tough one, but when you get back on track and reflect on the past you'll probably be glad you got out of it. I know I am, as I said in my earlier post, I was thinking back to my life a year ago, and now I'm happier because on the balance of things, it created more headaches than anything else. I've also been getting out more, meeting more people, doing more interesting things, and I enjoy my social life now more than I ever have before, even the aspects of it that never had anything to do with her whatsoever.

Never do better than I had is another peculiar one. I certainly had that feeling; I was dating an attractive, European woman who was a bit older than me - a pale student from Scotland, haha. Yes, over the years you develop lots of quirky little things which make a relationship unique and special, and have a connection with your partner in this regard. That's not to say this will never happen again though. I've now been on a couple of dates (and have more to come) with a girl whose equally attractive, but is certainly funnier and a lot more academic (she graduated last week with a degree in law). She's more fun company, and is certainly more presentable to my grandmother for instance haha. So without getting ahead of myself, if things continue the way they have been I'm on track to do better than before!

Two months in is a tough time I think, but give it time, do the things you want to do, and decide when you're ready to get back on the horse. You'll probably realise your ex wasn't so great after all. I'd break contact for a while yes, my ex and I never really spoke for a few months, but we send each other the occasional text now. We wished each other happy birthday, for instance, and she congratulated me on my graduation.

I'm always happy to try and help out, but our situation is probably different, and I must confess I haven't read too many of your posts. Though I suspect if you were engaged and lived together for most of 6 years that you're at least a few years older than I am.

You'll get there, but in my experience, you need to stop dwelling on the past and look to the future. It sounds cliché, but for me at least, it has worked.

 

[Jic89]

Nice post Tacitus. I would say and some may disagree with me, try and go on some dates, make them laugh have a bit crack and see there is other women out there for you. It's the best thing I did and yeah didn't go anywhere but it made me feel better at the time and that I wasn't some sort of gremlin and I would meet someone else, which you will do.

 

[Tacitus]

Nice post Tacitus. I would say and some may disagree with me, try and go on some dates, make them laugh have a bit crack and see there is other women out there for you. It's the best thing I did and yeah didn't go anywhere but it made me feel better at the time and that I wasn't some sort of gremlin and I would meet someone else, which you will do.

Thanks!

I agree going on dates helped me a lot, even where they led to nothing it at least gave me a confidence boost that people had some interest in me.

But similarly, don't go rushing into these things, give yourself a bit of time to digest your situation, assess what you liked and disliked about your partner and crucially, figure out what you did wrong.

Now I'm properly over my ex I feel much better about my dates

 

[Terrier_Jimlad]

Aye, good post there Tacitus - kinda on the same path as you now.

First 4 weeks were terrible, went from really bad days to good days, moping around and wondering where it all went wrong even ignoring the fact she had the affair.

Not sure what it was, but weekend before last, something just clicked inside my head, and suddenly I just realised whats done is done, theres nothing I can do about it, I dont want to pursue a future with her any more, the guy she had an affair with kicked her to the kurb and ran back to his wife, I had been more social-able with family and friends in the space of 4-6 weeks than I was the previous few years, I finally got use to living on my own, I lost around 1 stone not eating crap lying around the house and started cycling to work. Had a few flirty chats with other girls from work and could have pursued something, but I want to shift a bit more weight and get myself confident again and as Tacitus put it well, make sure you realise what you want and how you want it, and learn from your mistakes (even though it ended more on her side than mine)

I didn't believe people when they said it will get easier, but it sure does! Got invited to the neighbours BBQ on Saturday, kinda made up some lame excuse to avoid it, but then thought **** it, grab a huge pack of beers and went round, best decision I made in a while. Met some great people, got lashed, enjoyed myself and finally realised what I had been missing out on.

Onwards and upwards! Looking forward to the prospect of having a scan on POF, Tinder, Match, OKC but in no rush just yet

Ex is still being a ****, and trying to wind me up for a reaction to use against me, but i'm been the bigger person and not rising to it. Unless it's relating directly to the children, I made little contact until she can prove to be amicable and grown up (she's 36 ffs)

 

[Tacitus]

Aye, good post there Tacitus - kinda on the same path as you now.

First 4 weeks were terrible, went from really bad days to good days, moping around and wondering where it all went wrong even ignoring the fact she had the affair.

Not sure what it was, but weekend before last, something just clicked inside my head, and suddenly I just realised whats done is done, theres nothing I can do about it, I dont want to pursue a future with her any more, the guy she had an affair with kicked her to the kurb and ran back to his wife, I had been more social-able with family and friends in the space of 4-6 weeks than I was the previous few years, I finally got use to living on my own, I lost around 1 stone not eating crap lying around the house and started cycling to work. Had a few flirty chats with other girls from work and could have pursued something, but I want to shift a bit more weight and get myself confident again and as Tacitus put it well, make sure you realise what you want and how you want it, and learn from your mistakes (even though it ended more on her side than mine)

I didn't believe people when they said it will get easier, but it sure does! Got invited to the neighbours BBQ on Saturday, kinda made up some lame excuse to avoid it, but then thought **** it, grab a huge pack of beers and went round, best decision I made in a while. Met some great people, got lashed, enjoyed myself and finally realised what I had been missing out on.

Onwards and upwards! Looking forward to the prospect of having a scan on POF, Tinder, Match, OKC but in no rush just yet

Ex is still being a ****, and trying to wind me up for a reaction to use against me, but i'm been the bigger person and not rising to it. Unless it's relating directly to the children, I made little contact until she can prove to be amicable and grown up (she's 36 ffs)

I think when that thing clicks inside your head it makes moving forward much, much easier. I too have shifted some weight and started grooming better etc.

If there's one thing I learned from my first real relationship it's that going forward I'm not going to pretend to be something I'm not. I tried too hard initially to say and be what my ex wanted me to be, and down the line that only caused issues. Of course compromising is a vital part of relationships, but I now know I'll only be happy if I stay true to myself.

 

[413x]

Of course I don't mind you asking.

I felt, and still do feel some guilt, but probably because I wasn't emotionally in it when she was going through the grievance period before we actually split up, we had a lot of arguments and were taking small breaks etc. It was wrong that I didn't give her the emotional attention she deserved before the split up, and it's something that I'll never do again, because to be honest, I was a bit of a dick towards the end. I never engaged with her in what she thought was ruining our relationship, and I never attempted to address any of her concerns.

Loss didn't come immediately for me, more a weight off my shoulders, it wasn't crash and burn, more like a long drawn-out bleeding to death. It was a breath of fresh air to be able to go about my business and not have to worry about her, or the next time we'd talk. But when loss hit it hit hard, I was extremely stressed, depressed and it was ruining my life. I was moping around, losing sleep, being less productive etc. I had a really intense period of that for about two weeks, but I think it was the grieving I never allowed myself when we initially split.

Best thing ever is a tough one, but when you get back on track and reflect on the past you'll probably be glad you got out of it. I know I am, as I said in my earlier post, I was thinking back to my life a year ago, and now I'm happier because on the balance of things, it created more headaches than anything else. I've also been getting out more, meeting more people, doing more interesting things, and I enjoy my social life now more than I ever have before, even the aspects of it that never had anything to do with her whatsoever.

Never do better than I had is another peculiar one. I certainly had that feeling; I was dating an attractive, European woman who was a bit older than me - a pale student from Scotland, haha. Yes, over the years you develop lots of quirky little things which make a relationship unique and special, and have a connection with your partner in this regard. That's not to say this will never happen again though. I've now been on a couple of dates (and have more to come) with a girl whose equally attractive, but is certainly funnier and a lot more academic (she graduated last week with a degree in law). She's more fun company, and is certainly more presentable to my grandmother for instance haha. So without getting ahead of myself, if things continue the way they have been I'm on track to do better than before!

Two months in is a tough time I think, but give it time, do the things you want to do, and decide when you're ready to get back on the horse. You'll probably realise your ex wasn't so great after all. I'd break contact for a while yes, my ex and I never really spoke for a few months, but we send each other the occasional text now. We wished each other happy birthday, for instance, and she congratulated me on my graduation.

I'm always happy to try and help out, but our situation is probably different, and I must confess I haven't read too many of your posts. Though I suspect if you were engaged and lived together for most of 6 years that you're at least a few years older than I am.

You'll get there, but in my experience, you need to stop dwelling on the past and look to the future. It sounds cliché, but for me at least, it has worked.

Thanks for that

I'm in a very weird place (yep 2 months past)
The past is the past as much as it can be now, No more contact, but I still wonder

Now the future is here, but negative about it

Decided to try the pof dating thing as a move on thing
Unfortunately last night had a date with a girl I really liked, didn't expect to find someone I liked. All seemed great, even a second date, but then seemed to get friend zoned. Still with second date.
And it knocked me. It knocked me as I liked the girl. And I know how rare that is as I have weird taste.
Because I'm an all or nothing person this was an 'all' situation. Have never got on so well before. I'm going to ask when I do get officially told I'm in the friend zone, 'could you tell me why'. It's Either cause I was too nice, not good enough looking or hopefully, she just isn't looking for that. But I can't be bothered with friend zone.

So the above was great while it was good, didn't think of me ex at all, but maybe it's too much for my yoyo emotions
I probably should talk to people I don't actually like. Distraction without the hope. But because I am an all or nothing person. I kind of suck at this

So now..
I'll also now have too much time at weekends as life is static now everything is sorted
I also can feel I'm NOT going to get out there friends or relationship wise. I know I should get out and do stuff, make myself, but honestly, I don't think I can do it. I know I should/must, but can't. Ugh.

So I'm going to have to hope anti depressants work. I'm too weak to do it on my own.

Other option is to actually accept being alone. Friends and relationship won't happen.
I really don't care about friends, which is terrible, at least I wanted a relationship!
Can this ever work? Can you really be happy alone? Is anyone who is alone and old happy?

The one good thing about accepting being alone would be I'm not reliant on others. Probably a terrible thing to do. Might not be possible.

 

[Roar87]

This is totally the truth, I agree with you, and thank you for echoing my thoughts. Do I put my foot down, I guess will turn into an argument for the first time ever?...and see if she just leaves or adjusts?

She's sleeping with her ex, the fact she isn't sleeping with you absolutely confirms that. In her head she's with him you see, not you, she'd actually consider sleeping with you as cheating on him. Go no contact with her.

Also if you think you're over weight do something about it, become the fit attractive guy and it'll help you develop the kind of confidence in a relationship that'll stop you being too "nice", women aren't all that sexually attracted to nice guys unfortunately, you have to show you've got a bit of backbone.