The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread
- Thread starter mattyprice4004
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You know what? It sounds like you really love each other. You can never resist each other, but you've got so much history, you've broken the relationship. There's little chance you'll be able to fix things, and wipe out all that past history to start again as the people you are now, not the people you used to be when you first met.
The only small chance you have is to commit to each other exclusively, put everything behind you (if you can), and work hard at making each other happy. The bad things will eventually fade into the past, if you can both let it go and be happy with what you have now and what you can build into the future. New, good memories can replace the old, bad ones.
If you want to be with her, and she wants to be with you, sit down, tell her how you feel, and see if you both want to give it a shot. If you're both dancing around each other saying that you still want to be single, but really just trying not to spook the other person, then get it all out in the open. Be honest, say what you want and what you need, and stop pretending to be in a romance movie where misunderstandings and the things not said to each other provoke comical/tragic outcomes.
If you really both want to be single and are happy that way, but don't want to be friends with benefits, then break it off now, and sever all contact. While you are in each other's lives, it's unlikely anyone will be able to make either of you happy. While you keep in contact with Sarah and she with you, your relationship will cast big shadows over any other partners either of you might find. She will always be a place you can end up for a while when a relationship gets to be too hard for you to work at. It will be the same for her. You are junkies for each other, and the only way to quit is to never do the drug again, even if you think about it every day for the rest of your life.
So make your choice. Go for it with her, pare the past away and start anew being the people that you wished you could be. This is difficult, but possible. You just have to let go of all the old baggage, and realise what you could gain with this woman you are so entwined with. The hardest thing will be not to fall into the old patterns that broke you apart in the first place, and you can only do that if you are the changed people you claim to be.
Or really start afresh, cut free from the past, including Sarah and all she represents, all she knows of you and the things you did that you now wish you hadn't. Leave her behind and move on, remove the temptation from your life so that you can go forwards instead of having her reach from your past to pull you back there.
What are you going to do?
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Some things worth considering, thanks.
Arknor, I don't mean she let someone else in, I mean she let me into her life, she started developing feelings for me and it scared her. She panicked and pushed me away. Some people would describe her as bat **** crazy, it's her way of dealing with things. The thing is, it's these crazy things that she does that attracts me to her.
What am I going to do? That's the question I keep asking myself. I love her, and I always will. I would marry this woman tomorrow, let her back into my life, put her on the deeds of my house and share all I possibly can for her. But telling her all of this would likely push her away as it'd scare the living crap out of her. I know her well, I know she still loves me and cares for me, but then again I also know that she is scared of falling back into the same trap again.
I guess it's a question of me convincing her that this time around we will really build fresh foundations. Part of what I told her yesterday is that if we start seeing one another again then we sit down and make vows to each other. Go over all that past pain, how I messed her around and how she made me feel by cutting me out of her life.
I won't be seeing her till next week as I'm off to Spain to see one of our mutual friends ironically enough (been planned for months). Between now and then I think there's a lot I need to think about.
Arknor, I don't mean she let someone else in, I mean she let me into her life, she started developing feelings for me and it scared her. She panicked and pushed me away. Some people would describe her as bat **** crazy, it's her way of dealing with things. The thing is, it's these crazy things that she does that attracts me to her.
What am I going to do? That's the question I keep asking myself. I love her, and I always will. I would marry this woman tomorrow, let her back into my life, put her on the deeds of my house and share all I possibly can for her. But telling her all of this would likely push her away as it'd scare the living crap out of her. I know her well, I know she still loves me and cares for me, but then again I also know that she is scared of falling back into the same trap again.
I guess it's a question of me convincing her that this time around we will really build fresh foundations. Part of what I told her yesterday is that if we start seeing one another again then we sit down and make vows to each other. Go over all that past pain, how I messed her around and how she made me feel by cutting me out of her life.
I won't be seeing her till next week as I'm off to Spain to see one of our mutual friends ironically enough (been planned for months). Between now and then I think there's a lot I need to think about.
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When people say that, what they are telling you is that they are leaving themselves emotionally open and vulnerable to you, and you need to reassure them that they are safe with you. All the things you did to each other in the past means that at that fundamental level, she may not be strong enough to open herself up to you emotionally because she fears you'll hurt her again.
You need to make her believe deep down that you're the person she can trust above all others, no matter what. Often that means you have to make yourself as vulnerable as your partner. You may just be emotionally stronger than her and can do it more easily, but she needs to feel safe with you. She need to trust in you and your feelings for her.
Does she still feel the same about you though? It's easy to sleep with someone and have a good time, but still not really open up to them.
You're saying you'd marry her and give her everything tomorrow, but you don't know how she feels and that she'd probably run a mile. You have to find out what she feels and what she wants. If you don't know you have to ask her. Be honest, tell her how you feel, ask her what she wants, make your choices fully informed. Don't just make guesses and get it wrong, making your decisions on incorrect assumptions. You can't manipulate her or yourself by being too scared to say the things you need to say for fear of how she'll react.
You are not Tom Hanks, she is not Meg Ryan, you are not in an 80's light romantic comedy that all works out in the end despite hilarious misunderstandings. You have to make it happen like a grown-up. Likewise if it doesn't work and she doesn't want a life with you, you have to move on like a grown-up too.
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I've edited my post as there was a lot of personal info in there that I normally wouldn't discuss with close friends yet alone strangers on a forum. However those who I consider very good contributors to this thread have given me food for thought (not that those who haven't replied aren't!).
Current plan: ride the wave, see how it goes. She knows deep down I want to get back with her. I think she is feeling the same but wants to take things super slow as she is afraid that I will hurt her again. I won't hold back about the way I feel, I'll tell her the next time we meet provided she doesn't bin me off before then.
I've taken myself of all dating sites as well, she knows this. I was close to any way, as I wasn't ready to move on with someone else so soon.
Current plan: ride the wave, see how it goes. She knows deep down I want to get back with her. I think she is feeling the same but wants to take things super slow as she is afraid that I will hurt her again. I won't hold back about the way I feel, I'll tell her the next time we meet provided she doesn't bin me off before then.
I've taken myself of all dating sites as well, she knows this. I was close to any way, as I wasn't ready to move on with someone else so soon.
Honestly. I'm very jealous of you.
Mine clearly has no feelings at all for me
And I know (even though it'll subside) I doubt I'll ever feel exactly the same again
Worse. I'd probably go back to her even 10 years on
Sad I missed the full post
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Does your user name not add to the malaise?
No, but I'm thinking is time for a mod post change actually.
It was community chosen (lol)
I consciously try not to let my mind stray
Still concerned I'll never fully get over it. Many don't.
I don't think I could ever be her friend
-Main thing that still gets me is how she cared nothing about me at the end, when a few weeks before she didn't want me flying out to Texas
-also, like I bang on about, the worry of not ever really being in another relationship. As in believing it will work
If you've read any of my posts I kind of feel that life is pointless now, but trying (trying) to use that to help.
By that I mean telling myself that one day I won't remember any of this so it doesn't matter (in the long run) that I feel like **** it does help, as I believe it's true
The violent (as in emotional) mood swings are gone, but when my mind isn't occupied (a game, the gym, work, conversation) it is hard not to wonder/regret/despair on past and future
Feel that I'll go one of two ways in the end
-really cold, lifeless, dull, hermit
-over the top, crazy, selfish and not caring about anything or anyone
The first is much more likely as I'm fairly relaxed on general
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It's natural for us as conscious beings to dwell on the past. We all do it, no matter how many people will try to tell you they don't. It's what we take from those moments of solitude and feelings of sheer despair that counts. Take my situation, I spent a horrid weekend sat in a hotel room mulling over a huge amount of things, two divorces, affairs and I ended up in a strange city with very little and most importantly without the one I love. But come Monday morning I was ready to go and start building the foundations that would enable me to move on with or without that person. And things have moved on positively.
Easier said than done, I hear you think right now, right? Well yes it is, I've had a lot of experience in relationships and the breakdown of them too. The simple fact of the matter is time will mellow things. I remember feeling like I would never love a person as much as my first husband. He was my life, my universe, my everything. I would have walked through boiling lava to get to him. That was it, my life complete at such a young age. Looking back now, I was so naïve and short-sighted to think that. I loved him about 5% of the person I do now.
Try not to fall into the trap of believing you're going to end up a hermit, or an uncaring *******. You'll fall somewhere in between, and besides your obvious grief for your past partner and relationship, you seem pretty grounded and level-headed. Let the passage of time do its thing, and one day you may even look in the mirror and think that anonymous girl on the internet was right.
Easier said than done, I hear you think right now, right? Well yes it is, I've had a lot of experience in relationships and the breakdown of them too. The simple fact of the matter is time will mellow things. I remember feeling like I would never love a person as much as my first husband. He was my life, my universe, my everything. I would have walked through boiling lava to get to him. That was it, my life complete at such a young age. Looking back now, I was so naïve and short-sighted to think that. I loved him about 5% of the person I do now.
Try not to fall into the trap of believing you're going to end up a hermit, or an uncaring *******. You'll fall somewhere in between, and besides your obvious grief for your past partner and relationship, you seem pretty grounded and level-headed. Let the passage of time do its thing, and one day you may even look in the mirror and think that anonymous girl on the internet was right.
I signed up to a photography course at my local uni which lasted for 10 weeks. It helped a lot, got me out of the house, met new people and took my photography in a new direction. Maybe worth considering.
Ok well I think this is the best place to ask for advice on this.
My ex and I split up a long time ago - 8/9 years ago. Nothing wrong, parted on good terms, still talked on and off (And when ever we did talk it wasn't akward or anything daft)
She and I have always been able to talk about anyting, and offer each other help, advice etc.
I freely admit I still have some feelings for her - but I've also accepted we are just friends. Untill recently.
My Brother is getting married soon, and I wasn't going to take a +1, as I'm not seeing anyone and wasn't feeling all that great about being on my own at that point.
We had been talking for a while, I now she has had a few things change - well for 1 she is a mum now. I should add that doesn't bother me in the slightest.
So out of blue, I asked her if she'd like to go. She's said yes, which is fantastic!
Now I'm staying all weekend for the wedding, room booked etc. And we are sharing the room.....
We talk every night, every morning, snatched conversation's throughout the day - it's almost like we are back as before.
My parents, brother and his missus are really happy she's coming, so no issues there.
I just don't know were she is at, I now she is single, I now she has said she want's to get herself settled and sorted for her and her daughter, which is fine. I know I'd really like to try again with her, but I also now that she might not be there or in that sort of space (AKA fully friend zoned with her end of)
ANyone make any sense of the above inchorrent rambleing..... I now I can't
TL
R - Me and ex going to wedding together, feel's like we are a couple again in everything
My ex and I split up a long time ago - 8/9 years ago. Nothing wrong, parted on good terms, still talked on and off (And when ever we did talk it wasn't akward or anything daft)
She and I have always been able to talk about anyting, and offer each other help, advice etc.
I freely admit I still have some feelings for her - but I've also accepted we are just friends. Untill recently.
My Brother is getting married soon, and I wasn't going to take a +1, as I'm not seeing anyone and wasn't feeling all that great about being on my own at that point.
We had been talking for a while, I now she has had a few things change - well for 1 she is a mum now. I should add that doesn't bother me in the slightest.
So out of blue, I asked her if she'd like to go. She's said yes, which is fantastic!
Now I'm staying all weekend for the wedding, room booked etc. And we are sharing the room.....
We talk every night, every morning, snatched conversation's throughout the day - it's almost like we are back as before.
My parents, brother and his missus are really happy she's coming, so no issues there.
I just don't know were she is at, I now she is single, I now she has said she want's to get herself settled and sorted for her and her daughter, which is fine. I know I'd really like to try again with her, but I also now that she might not be there or in that sort of space (AKA fully friend zoned with her end of)
ANyone make any sense of the above inchorrent rambleing..... I now I can't
TL
R - Me and ex going to wedding together, feel's like we are a couple again in everything
I hate living where I do (no uni) I'll have to have a look as this would be great
Haven't really wanted to it at all since the break. In fact only reason I haven't sold it all is apathy