The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

We did live together after she and her husband tore many chunks out of each other when everything blew up. We were seeing each other for about 6 months and then she lived with me for 8 months. She isn't from an honour background, however she comes from a very traditional family and has always been the proverbial black sheep. She has piercings, tattoos and has been openly bisexual since she was a teenager. Her family have always treated her as a bit of a special case due to her not conforming to their Stepford Wife model as I call it. She's seen as needing 'protection' from the big bad world that has corrupted her.

She's emotionally broken now but that's due to the fact she can't be with me. So she's being quite canny and letting the family think they're 'fixing' her so they back off from the whole protection thing. Then she can give them the middle finger and make her way here.
 
lafemmefatale said:
We did live together after she and her husband tore many chunks out of each other when everything blew up. We were seeing each other for about 6 months and then she lived with me for 8 months. She isn't from an honour background, however she comes from a very traditional family and has always been the proverbial black sheep. She has piercings, tattoos and has been openly bisexual since she was a teenager. Her family have always treated her as a bit of a special case due to her not conforming to their Stepford Wife model as I call it. She's seen as needing 'protection' from the big bad world that has corrupted her.
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As a relationship, it's obviously pretty serious and well past the initial honeymoon stage, so well worth building a life for to see if it can run further. I guess that explained why she jumped you in the first place. She wanted to and so she did, and as she was already bi, it's not like you turned her.

lafemmefatale said:
She's emotionally broken now but that's due to the fact she can't be with me. So she's being quite canny and letting the family think they're 'fixing' her so they back off from the whole protection thing. Then she can give them the middle finger and make her way here.
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I'm amazed she can't just walk out. They must have her locked in a room or have someone guarding her all the time if she can't just pack a bag and leave. It's crazy that they won't support her given that it's her husband that first committed the initial affair.

If she really wants to go, there are agencies that will get her out as an abused woman. It's no different from an Indian woman wanting to get away from the family that wants to force her into an arranged marriage. She's basically being held prisoner against her will.

If she's worried about losing her family, they are either going to follow up on the threat of disowning her or not, whether it's now or whether it's a few months down the line won't make any difference.
 
Steampunk said:
As a relationship, it's obviously pretty serious and well past the initial honeymoon stage, so well worth building a life for to see if it can run further. I guess that explained why she jumped you in the first place. She wanted to and so she did, and as she was already bi, it's not like you turned her.
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Yeah it's a serious one. It certainly isn't just a flash in the pan. You mentioned on a few occasions how stoic I appear towards the relationship. It's a reaction purely to the circumstances. I can't really do anything to change things immediately, I have to bide my time, do what's right given the situation and have faith that things will work out as intended.

I'm amazed she can't just walk out. They must have her locked in a room or have someone guarding her all the time if she can't just pack a bag and leave. It's crazy that they won't support her given that it's her husband that first committed the initial affair.

If she really wants to go, there are agencies that will get her out as an abused woman. It's no different from an Indian woman wanting to get away from the family that wants to force her into an arranged marriage. She's basically being held prisoner against her will.

If she's worried about losing her family, they are either going to follow up on the threat of disowning her or not, whether it's now or whether it's a few months down the line won't make any difference.
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I believe she's really getting towards the end of her tether at home. She feels suffocated and claustrophobic and all she's had recently is people telling her that she should be doing what they think is best for her, not doing what she feels is best for her. I think she's ready to make the break once and for all.
 
lafemmefatale said:
Yeah it's a serious one. It certainly isn't just a flash in the pan. You mentioned on a few occasions how stoic I appear towards the relationship. It's a reaction purely to the circumstances. I can't really do anything to change things immediately, I have to bide my time, do what's right given the situation and have faith that things will work out as intended.
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As I said, it's the rational thing, the analytical, problem-solving thing. It's actually what they teach people who suffer from stress and depression ie, to let go and stop worrying about the things you can't affect, wait for them to shake out how they will. You change the things you can change (which inevitably means your own choices/circumstances), and everything else you have to let sort itself out. You can encourage, support and help your girlfriend, but in the end she has to make her choices and actions.

In some ways I think it's a good thing to make people take responsibility for sorting out their lives. It seems to me that at some point your girlfriend was going to have this showdown with her family, and either give in or get away from them if they didn't soften their attitude. It's better that she makes the choice to leave (and possibly be disowned) and she knows she did it for herself and her future. She'll understand what she sacrificed, and what she sacrificed for.

It's a shame it's been exacerbated by the whole marriage/infidelity on both sides thing. If she'd been single and simply introduced you as her significant other, the family reaction might not have been so nuclear. I hope the husband hasn't gotten away scott free with her family, because he shouldn't come out of this smelling of roses either.

lafemmefatale said:
I believe she's really getting towards the end of her tether at home. She feels suffocated and claustrophobic and all she's had recently is people telling her that she should be doing what they think is best for her, not doing what she feels is best for her. I think she's ready to make the break once and for all.
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I don't know what kind of age bracket you're in, but this is what parents do. They say they want their children to be happy, but really they want their children to be happy in the particular ways that make the parents happy. They'd rather their kids settle down with a nice man, sprog grandkids and have a mortgage. They want that to make their children happy. They want them to marry rich professionals and have an easy life. If all those things are not what their kids want, the parents can't understand why all these parental aspirations are not what the kids want.

It doesn't matter how many times you tell your parents that you're happy with your life, if it's not what they understand as something they think should make you happy, then they won't believe you. The truth is they would rather you lie about it, do the things they want you to, and pretend to be happy even when you are not. It gives them a peace of mind, because in the end, no matter how old you are, your parents always see you as their children, and so can never trust your choices above their own choices for you.

Now of course that is a generalisation, and there are some parents out there who are the exception to the rule, but for the most part, parents always see themselves as better at making life choices than their children by dint of experience, habit and parental rights.

This is probably why your girlfriend is under lockdown. Her family cannot bring themselves to trust her choices.
 
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Her last message to me was along the lines of 'give me a week or two to straighten things out here, and I'm leaving all this **** behind'.

I believe the ex-husband has been stirring, and the family still worship the ground he walks upon and it's too much for her. She can't live like that and will make the break.
 
lafemmefatale said:
Her last message to me was along the lines of 'give me a week or two to straighten things out here, and I'm leaving all this **** behind'.

I believe the ex-husband has been stirring, and the family still worship the ground he walks upon and it's too much for her. She can't live like that and will make the break.
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That sound good. It's better to make the break as soon as possible rather than being miserable for the foreseeable future. Her family made the mistake of siding with the husband against the daughter who only needed a little push to get the **** out of town.
 
Steampunk said:
That sound good. It's better to make the break as soon as possible rather than being miserable for the foreseeable future. Her family made the mistake of siding with the husband against the daughter who only needed a little push to get the **** out of town.
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Thank you for the encouragement over this weekend. It's been good to have a truly neutral third party analyse this situation and you've brought some uncomfortable truths that I've had to consider. Who knows, maybe I can act upon them and become a better partner for it too.

Gods and mortals indeed.
 
lafemmefatale said:
Thank you for the encouragement over this weekend. It's been good to have a truly neutral third party analyse this situation and you've brought some uncomfortable truths that I've had to consider. Who knows, maybe I can act upon them and become a better partner for it too.

Gods and mortals indeed.
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Yeah, well, nobody's perfect, but the difference is that some people keep trying to be better, others don't bother. Some people always find something to enjoy in life, no matter what. If you're self-aware, it's easier to do that because you understand yourself and why you do the things you do. With a bit of luck you can do the same for the people around you and those you love.

I'm guessing (from you never having posted here despite the excitement of your last 18 months) that you were having a particularly low and introspective weekend. Now you can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Sounds like you are done here then? If that's the case, I hope everything works out well and you can find happiness with your girlfriend. It would be nice if you came back and kept us up to date. That's the problem with this thread - people never follow up with the endings!
 
Well, an update on how things went with me. I posted in here a while back about the problems i was having with my girlfriend. Things got worse, the drugs continued and she's been lying/playing down her behaviour constantly while all the while dragging up any little mistake i've made and making out i'm the new Hitler because of it. She actually bitched about me having put the dirty pots in the dishwasher and turning it on, complaining that "whats the point of doing the dishwasher if you don't empty it afterwards". Well, the dishes are now clean, no? haha.

Her brother tried to commit suicide while she was at glastonbury and she phoned me to ask if i could come pick her up and take her to him in london. At midnight... on a saturday after i'd had a few drinks and was too tired to safely drive. The stupid thing is i actually wanted to help her as well. 650 mile round trip! I didn't in the end and she had to wait for a bus. She was all cuddly and wanting kisses when she got back, before i found out she broke her promise and took drugs (lied saying she took them because of her brothers suicide attempt but it turns out she bought them 3 days beforehand!) while she was there.

Well i've gotten my own place and moved out as she was never going to get round to sorting it. I had a moment of weakness and wrote her a stupid rhyme/poem thing and left a box of chocolates in an empty drawer for her to find. I didn't speak to her all week and got a call on saturday out of the blue saying she'd lost her key and wanted to know if i still had mine so i could let her in. she came over to collect it and i drove her back to let her in. We had a bit of a giggle and i spent an hour or so there until she flipped out about me still having the key, said she didn't feel safe there and that she didn't want to have to spend £3 getting a new one cut as she couldn't afford it. I hadn't realised i felt so strongly about it at the time but i found myself not wanting to give her the key back and wanting to keep it as a memento of my time there. It felt so final giving her the key and i just wasn't ready to deal with it yet, ended up giving her the key, leaving in tears and driving off without saying another word. Not spoken to her since, but have had messages from her asking if i was okay and how me getting upset was "horrible for her to cope with".

I had a nice message from her brother saying he'd spoken to her just afterwards and she'd been crying down the phone. He doesn't seem to think she wants the break to be a permanent end to us and that she can see us getting back together further down the line. He thinks the pair of them have their own **** to deal with and they aren't good for a relationship until they have. He suggested i meet up with her for dinner one night to talk about all the things she's done and how it's left me feeling. I explained how i felt right now and that i was too hurt to see her so not going to meet up with her at any point soon.

So here i am, got my own place and can carry on doing my own thing at last without having the ups and downs i was going through before. It feels sucky, i miss her like mad and i keep finding constant reminders of her as i'm settling in/unpacking my stuff. I know i want her back, but at the same time i'm starting to see just how **** she treated me and that i deserved more consideration than that. I'm certainly not ready to get intimate with anyone else anytime soon, but i've signed up to tinder and POF on the off chance that i might enjoy a bit of casual conversation/flirting here or there.
 
krisboats said:
I hadn't realised i felt so strongly about it at the time but i found myself not wanting to give her the key back and wanting to keep it as a memento of my time there. It felt so final giving her the key and i just wasn't ready to deal with it yet, ended up giving her the key, leaving in tears and driving off without saying another word. Not spoken to her since, but have had messages from her asking if i was okay and how me getting upset was "horrible for her to cope with".
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How terrible for her, that she has to deal with the aftermath of screwing over you and your relationship. She's all about herself, and doesn't care for you at all.

krisboats said:
I had a nice message from her brother saying he'd spoken to her just afterwards and she'd been crying down the phone. He doesn't seem to think she wants the break to be a permanent end to us and that she can see us getting back together further down the line. He thinks the pair of them have their own **** to deal with and they aren't good for a relationship until they have. He suggested i meet up with her for dinner one night to talk about all the things she's done and how it's left me feeling. I explained how i felt right now and that i was too hurt to see her so not going to meet up with her at any point soon.
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Romantic nonsense to make herself feel better, she thinks she'll make it all up to you in the future. Sever, cut ties move on. Don't go back for any reason so that she can pick over the scabs of your relationship and manipulate your emotions again. They'll be no sorting anything out, because she thinks she's done nothing wrong.

krisboats said:
So here i am, got my own place and can carry on doing my own thing at last without having the ups and downs i was going through before. It feels sucky, i miss her like mad and i keep finding constant reminders of her as i'm settling in/unpacking my stuff. I know i want her back, but at the same time i'm starting to see just how **** she treated me and that i deserved more consideration than that. I'm certainly not ready to get intimate with anyone else anytime soon, but i've signed up to tinder and POF on the off chance that i might enjoy a bit of casual conversation/flirting here or there.
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Healing and moving on takes time. Getting upset about what happened is normal. The main thing is that you've pulled the thorn. You can heal and start getting your life back together, meet someone who wants to be with you and treats you like you are important to them.
 
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TL;DR.

Met a girl 8 years ago. I made many mistakes, we broke up last year, got back together, she made some mistakes (non cheating), we broke up at the start of this year. As of last week we've become FWB again, looks like I want to progress the relationship again but she doesn't or isn't so sure. Should I carry on seeing her.
 
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Third paragraph from the end - no, absolutely not worth the risk. It looks like you're setting yourself up for a huge fall again. She will always be on the look out for you treating her like you did before, and your respective chequered pasts will lurk deep into any perceived relationship.

However, I know for a fact if it were me in such a situation, I wouldn't be able to help myself and I would hold out every hope that it could work and do everything humanly possible to facilitate it.
 
S2KIP said:
*** Please do not quote any of this message ***
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Ok so basically you are FWB with this girl even though neither of you admit it, keep going round in circles about whether you are together or not, and both tell each other you wanna be single.

What exactly do you want? If you want to be official then tell her, if she says no then stop seeing her. If you can't stop seeing her for whatever reason, then just enjoy the ride and don't complain when it all comes crashing down, cos that was your choice.

Every FWB situation I have been in has always ended the same - one person ends up getting hurt one way or another, that's just how it is.
 
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