The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Has my honesty or dishonesty bitten me in the ass?

I’ll try and keep this brief and concise without going in to how I’m feeling too deeply, as I’m a bit fragile at the moment.

I started chatting to a girl a little over 5 months ago who I’d met through Tinder. I’d obviously matched and chatted with a few girls on Tinder but no one was like this girl, she was hotter, smarter, held better conversations and showed more genuine interest than any other girl I’d spoken to – she was, and still is, in my eyes perfect. We clicked, we hit it off and got on like a house on fire. We didn’t get to meet until April of this year due to living on separate islands, and both of us having relatively busy schedules, since then we’ve met every 2 weeks with one of us making the journey to stay with each other for 2 to 3 nights at a time. Everything was as perfect as can be despite living apart, except one thing, the truth about my past.

I’d been in a long relationship, close to 9 years, and had spent the vast majority of my adult life with my previous partner. My previous partner and I were invited to a wedding in the caribbean, we were invited a good 9-10 months in advance due to it’s location. However in the 9-10 months before the wedding our relationship had started to break down in my eyes and wasn’t something I’d wanted to continue. The fact we had this holiday/wedding booked so far in advance had stopped me ending our relationship sooner, as the groom was my best friend from school and the bride was one of her close friends all through school too - it would have made the whole situation awkward. I ended our relationship just a week after returning from our holiday / wedding and 10 days after I’d started chatting to the perfect girl.

This weekend whilst visiting my girlfriend I decided to come clean and tell her that when we first spoke I was officially in a relationship. I tried to assure her that my relationship didn’t end because of her, it was dead long before it died. We had only been chatting 10 days, we’d never met before I was single, we’d never spoken on the phone before I was single but understandably she feels betrayed. The only reason I came clean to her was because how deep my feelings for her had become, and I needed her to know the truth before we could progress. I wasn’t expecting her to brush it under the carpet, I wasn’t expecting it not to hurt her, but I’ve severely underestimated how much it was going to hurt her, she’s heart broken.

I’ve done my best to explain everything to her, but she’s asked for space and to be left alone to think about everything, which I’m finding extremely hard to do, but I have to do it out of respect for her choice of asking for the time and space. She’s my best friend and not speaking to her all day throughout the day is hurting me like hell, and the thought I might have lost her because of a 10 day overlap has left me feeling heart broken too.

Has my honesty or dishonesty bitten me in the ass? My heart is telling me I should have told her, the truth is always the best option in my opinion, however if I’d kept it quiet the chances of her finding out would have been slim to none because of how small the overlap was and I’d still be enjoying the bliss of having her in my life.
 
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Tough one. Think I'd probably have just kept quiet and hoped nobody tried to take a maths exam.

Can see why your GF is upset because in her eyes you effectively cheated on her - or at least your ex. Its how the mind of a woman works - you were trying to start a new life, while gently relieving yourself from the other one and doing the honourable thing of being honest. Yet, had you not said anything and she found out, guaranteed she'd complain you weren't honest.


Not quite the same thing but my current GF found out I'd had a couple of conversations, online, with my ex. Nothing dodgy, just general hellos initiated by my ex and probably having a sniff around me. I decided not to say anything, no harm done. Course, turns out my GF's mate gets all matey with my ex while out on a lash and they have a conversation about me and the messages get shown to the GF's mate.

GF makes out likes it's this huge betrayal and how let down she feels that I've "gone behind her back" WTF? How is one or two word conversations going behind her back. I was temped to say I wish I had slipped the ex one as at least the grief would have had some pay-off. However, I quite like my GF and preferred to keep her. One thing I would say though is don't beg, whine, or plead. Tell her how it was, why you did what you did and then leave it up to her to sort it out in her mind. If she wants you enough, she'll come back. Whatever you do, don't chase or push as it looks like your desperate to replace what you've just lost.

How did she not know you'd only just come out of one relationship? That must have given her red flags?


Oh, and don't bother trying to carry on with the honesty. My Ex contacted me again recently for a favour to which I agreed. Being the good BF I informed my GF of the conversation. Well, guess what. She has an absolute meltdown. "Kicked in the teeth" were her words - no love if I came to your door smelling of my ex, thats probably a kick in the teeth. God knows how she'll react if I do something she really doesn't like :D
 
EddScott said:
Oh, and don't bother trying to carry on with the honesty. My Ex contacted me again recently for a favour to which I agreed. Being the good BF I informed my GF of the conversation. Well, guess what. She has an absolute meltdown. "Kicked in the teeth" were her words - no love if I came to your door smelling of my ex, thats probably a kick in the teeth. God knows how she'll react if I do something she really doesn't like :D
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Shouldn't you know what your GF likes and dislikes and avoid such things even if you find them unreasonable? Furthermore, you could've checked with your GF before agreeing. These two things are probably why the meltdown happened.

Not bothering with honesty is a very bad advice. Honesty is probably the best glue that holds relationships in place in the long term.
 
PermaChanged said:
Has my honesty or dishonesty bitten me in the ass?

I’ll try and keep this brief and concise without going in to how I’m feeling too deeply, as I’m a bit fragile at the moment.

I started chatting to a girl a little over 5 months ago who I’d met through Tinder. I’d obviously matched and chatted with a few girls on Tinder but no one was like this girl, she was hotter, smarter, held better conversations and showed more genuine interest than any other girl I’d spoken to – she was, and still is, in my eyes perfect. We clicked, we hit it off and got on like a house on fire. We didn’t get to meet until April of this year due to living on separate islands, her in Jersey and myself in Guernsey and both of us having relatively busy schedules, since then we’ve meet every 2 weeks with one of us making the journey to stay with each other for 2 to 3 nights at a time. Everything was as perfect as can be despite living apart, except one thing, the truth about my past.

I’d been in a long relationship, close to 9 years, and had spent the vast majority of my adult life with my previous partner. My previous partner and I were invited to a wedding in Jamaica, we were invited a good 9-10 months in advance due to it’s location. However in the 9-10 months before the wedding our relationship had started to break down in my eyes and wasn’t something I’d wanted to continue. The fact we had this holiday/wedding booked so far in advance had stopped me ending our relationship sooner, as the groom was my best friend from school and the bride was one of her close friends all through school too - it would have made the whole situation awkward. I ended our relationship on 7th March, just a week after returning from our holiday / wedding and 10 days after I’d started chatting to the perfect girl.

This weekend whilst visiting my girlfriend I decided to come clean and tell her that when we first spoke I was officially in a relationship. I tried to assure her that my relationship didn’t end because of her, it was dead long before it died. We had only been chatting 10 days, we’d never met before I was single, we’d never spoken on the phone before I was single but understandably she feels betrayed. The only reason I came clean to her was because how deep my feelings for her had become, and I needed her to know the truth before we could progress. I wasn’t expecting her to brush it under the carpet, I wasn’t expecting it not to hurt her, but I’ve severely underestimated how much it was going to hurt her, she’s heart broken.

I’ve done my best to explain everything to her, but she’s asked for space and to be left alone to think about everything, which I’m finding extremely hard to do, but I have to do it out of respect for her choice of asking for the time and space. She’s my best friend and not speaking to her all day throughout the day is hurting me like hell, and the thought I might have lost her because of a 10 day overlap has left me feeling heart broken too.

Has my honesty or dishonesty bitten me in the ass? My heart is telling me I should have told her, the truth is always the best option in my opinion, however if I’d kept it quiet the chances of her finding out would have been slim to none because of how small the overlap was and I’d still be enjoying the bliss of having her in my life.
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You absolutely did the right thing. She just needs to think on it for a while. I can understand her reaction, but she needs to realize that "stuff happens" in life. Starting/ending/starting relationships is often somewhat messy and far from perfect.
 
Zethor said:
Shouldn't you know what your GF likes and dislikes and avoid such things even if you find them unreasonable? Furthermore, you could've checked with your GF before agreeing. These two things are probably why the meltdown happened.

Not bothering with honesty is a very bad advice. Honesty is probably the best glue that holds relationships in place in the long term.
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You may have a point but I don't really want to be in a relationship where I have to ask someone's permission to do something which is fairly innocuous.

Most of my post was to be considered a little tongue in cheek. It just amused me that not mentioning something to keep the peace and mentioning something to demonstrate a willingness to be open resulted in the same outcome. Something which appears to have happened to the guy I was replying too.

RDM said:
I think it may be Edds girlfriend needs a new boyfriend...
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Lol, yeah, quite possibly.
 
PermaChanged said:
Has my honesty or dishonesty bitten me in the ass?

I ended our relationship on 7th March, just a week after returning from our holiday / wedding and 10 days after I’d started chatting to the perfect girl.
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In my opinion you should not have said anything. Women see things differently. If you really felt you had to say something to your current gf then you should have said you had broken up with the ex but were living together temporarily prior to moving out because of financial issues.

Thats more true than what you did. What you have told your current gf is not actually the truth. Why? Because from her perspective you were still in a relationship with your ex when you started chatting to her.

But thats not the case is it? Were you sleeping with your ex when you were chatting to this new lady? i think in your mind (and your ex-gf) the relationship was over you were just living together. I think you should have broken up with your ex far far sooner and went to the wedding separately.

I can understand your gf's reaction as she is thinking you've betrayed her, lied to her, and that she may be just a fling for you to get over your ex.

So you've put her through a lot of heartache and emotional distress which is entirely uncalled for. Oh dear! Theres a lesson here...;)

But good luck though she will come around.
 
the guy clearly lacks the moral compass he claims to be guided by

stringed his GF along for 9 months knowing he would end it after a friends wedding :O

seriously if that was my sister I would be mad as hell and ruin you
 
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OK I'm determined to stay single and look after myself for once. 1st official day of self-enforced singledom = miserable and forlorn. I snapped at an elderly person today in the street who bumped into me completely by mistake. Super snarky. Then I went home and cried because I felt so bad.
 
PermaChanged said:
Has my honesty or dishonesty bitten me in the ass?

Has my honesty or dishonesty bitten me in the ass? My heart is telling me I should have told her, the truth is always the best option in my opinion, however if I’d kept it quiet the chances of her finding out would have been slim to none because of how small the overlap was and I’d still be enjoying the bliss of having her in my life.
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You did yourself no favours sticking with a dead relationship just to go to a holiday/wedding, no matter who's it was or how long it was booked. You should have at least switched to single rooms and finished with the ex when you felt it was over.

I would have shut up about it unless sure it was meaningless to your new girlfriend. By making a big deal of it yourself, about how you had to tell her, all you've done is make her think it was a big deal too. You wanted to shed yourself of guilt, and make yourself feel better, but all you've done is hurt your new woman for something that you can't change and that was of no meaning to you.

You basically psyched yourself out, but you've made your new girlfriend feel betrayed and that she can't trust you. All she thinks she knows is that you were two-timing, because she can't get inside your head and know how you were really feeling.

I would advise giving her a little space, and see if she forgives you. If she's wavering, tell her how much she means to you, and how your old relationship was long dead, but you only delayed ending it because of the commitment to your friend's wedding, and hope she understands. You've got to try and convey how that overlap was in the past, and how much you value your new relationship.
 
This stuff works both ways. Say I'm going to bed early, come downstairs in nice underwear, get told he wants to watch the end of the film. Fine. Three days later I'm having a night in pj`s and lounging around - get asked why I never make any effort anymore. Seriously wtf?
 
lafemmefatale said:
This stuff works both ways. Say I'm going to bed early, come downstairs in nice underwear, get told he wants to watch the end of the film. Fine. Three days later I'm having a night in pj`s and lounging around - get asked why I never make any effort anymore. Seriously wtf?
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I'd say your sex drives are out of sync, Lucy.
 
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