The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[Steampunk]

This stuff works both ways. Say I'm going to bed early, come downstairs in nice underwear, get told he wants to watch the end of the film. Fine. Three days later I'm having a night in pj`s and lounging around - get asked why I never make any effort anymore. Seriously wtf?

Never refuse someone who has made an effort, unless you have a really good reason (like you're sick). It's churlish, and teaches people not to make an effort if it doesn't get rewarded.

Having said that, there are a lot of women who think they just have to turn up and lie there, and don't make much effort.

 

[Surfer]

This stuff works both ways. Say I'm going to bed early, come downstairs in nice underwear, get told he wants to watch the end of the film. Fine. Three days later I'm having a night in pj`s and lounging around - get asked why I never make any effort anymore. Seriously wtf?

Too subtle lafemmefatale

 

[snips86x]

Never refuse someone who has made an effort, unless you have a really good reason (like you're sick). It's churlish, and teaches people not to make an effort if it doesn't get rewarded.

Having said that, there are a lot of women who think they just have to turn up and lie there, and don't make much effort.

Not only that but if the refusal is consistent, it leads you to not wanting to bother as you already know the outcome. I've been there, done that and whether or not its made an impact on my situation, it can also get you down and potentially lead to stray thoughts.

 

[tcfreer]

Well mine took a un expected turn........

Turn's out the only reason she decided to keep talking was cause she thought I was going to knock myself off and she felt guilty about it...

Well, cue matrix moves, billy big steps away from that train wreck.

 

[krisboats]

How terrible for her, that she has to deal with the aftermath of screwing over you and your relationship. She's all about herself, and doesn't care for you at all.



Romantic nonsense to make herself feel better, she thinks she'll make it all up to you in the future. Sever, cut ties move on. Don't go back for any reason so that she can pick over the scabs of your relationship and manipulate your emotions again. They'll be no sorting anything out, because she thinks she's done nothing wrong.



Healing and moving on takes time. Getting upset about what happened is normal. The main thing is that you've pulled the thorn. You can heal and start getting your life back together, meet someone who wants to be with you and treats you like you are important to them.

Cheers dude, no internet at the new place so struggling to get online much on a screen bigger than my phone so apologies for the slow reply.

I've had to go back a couple of times for extra things i've left behind without realising. I'm still finding it really hadd to cope, struggling with the isolation of a new place and keep thinking back on whats happened all the time. I'm feeling less angry now, more sad about everything thats been lost. Its been annoying seeing her the times ive had to go back because she comes across all smiles and laughter and flirts with me quite a bit too. We had a big talk over facebook after the last time i left where i basically felt i had to apologise for ever causing her to feel unloved or uncared for. I know i get wrapped up in other things and i tend to presume people know how i feel so i dont talk about things much. She told me her heart isnt in it to care for anyone except herself at the minute and she says she thinks i shoukd see other people. She says she wants to be friends someday as she misses me and the fun we have together but she doesnt want to be together and she wants to focus on herself. The me seeing other people comment was quickly followed by her saying she wont be seeing anyone else because she doesnt like guys. Its not true because after a few drinks shes the biggest flirt on the planet, her nickname with her work friends is chubby-**** (she's not chubby though) and even when things were good she found it acceptable to stand at a bar on nights out chatting to random guys with their arm round her waist while i was sat at a table with friends.

So i conclude on this and looking back that she might have felt unloved, let her anxiety get the better of her and never spoke of it then did something stupid with someone else. It explains everything, the sudden change from being lovey in april to being finished in may, how she felt guilty when i was trying to change the things she wasnt happy with and how everything that happened was my fault was actually her trying to justify her irrational actions and leaving the relationship.

I've started eating better and using some weights. Got a goal to get to the same sort of build as captain america and feel pretty strongly about achieveing it.

Had a couple of conversations online with girls now, but i find it isnt a good distraction if you're feeling down. The rejection rate is pretty high unless i'm doing something really wrong and i found it easy to feel dismayed by it at times.

I can feel myself getting better over all though, just some days are really, REALLY hard. Usually the weekends or when i'd normally be doing fun things with her. I still feel like i'd take her back if she changed her mind even though i probably shouldnt. I also find myself wanting tk get closure on whether or not she did actually cheat, but it isnt exactly something you just straight up ask someone and with her anxiety and constant lying i dont think she'd tell the truth anyway.

 

[arknor]

Not only that but if the refusal is consistent, it leads you to not wanting to bother as you already know the outcome. I've been there, done that and whether or not its made an impact on my situation, it can also get you down and potentially lead to stray thoughts.

lol I had an ex who I pretty much had to bribe for sex... didn't stay long with that one.

she seemed to see sex as a chore and expected me to do something in return like pick her kid up from school :|
she was boring in the sack as well, wouldn't experiment at all not even the usual boring stuff
some woman are mental, all the tears when you leave them WHY? blubber blubber why?

what do they expect if they treat you like a commodity and don't show any passion, I think some people just have to be with a man

 

[Schlong&Stable]

lol I had an ex who I pretty much had to bribe for sex... didn't stay long with that one.

she seemed to see sex as a chore and expected me to do something in return like pick her kid up from school :|
she was boring in the sack as well, wouldn't experiment at all not even the usual boring stuff
some woman are mental, all the tears when you leave them WHY? blubber blubber why?

what do they expect if they treat you like a commodity and don't show any passion, I think some people just have to be with a man

Maybe you just didn't rock her boat with your suggestion she pretends to be Stegosaurus and you'll be the T-Rex?

 

[Roar87]

even when things were good she found it acceptable to stand at a bar on nights out chatting to random guys with their arm round her waist while i was sat at a table with friends

Excuse me? You actually allowed to that to happen? I can tell you this second that the reason your girlfriend broke up with you is because she didn't respect you as a man. You cannot tolerate that sort of behaviour and disrespect and then expect a girl to find you attractive, you'll be viewed as a complete wimp and a push over. Women aren't attracted to those kind of guys. You don't necessarily need to act like a silverback gorilla either but you do need to have a back bone. Women need Men to have masculine qualities, they need to know that when push comes to shove you've got a bit of fight in you

 

[Curio]

Excuse me? You actually allowed to that to happen? I can tell you this second that the reason your girlfriend broke up with you is because she didn't respect you as a man. You cannot tolerate that sort of behaviour and disrespect and then expect a girl to find you attractive, you'll be viewed as a complete wimp and a push over. Women aren't attracted to those kind of guys. You don't necessarily need to act like a silverback gorilla either but you do need to have a back bone. Women need Men to have masculine qualities, they need to know that when push comes to shove you've got a bit of fight in you

One of the truest things ever posted on OCUK. What were you thinking Krisboats You need to find at least a tiny shred of "Alpha" or you'll always end up in the same position eventually.

 

[krisboats]

Excuse me? You actually allowed to that to happen? I can tell you this second that the reason your girlfriend broke up with you is because she didn't respect you as a man. You cannot tolerate that sort of behaviour and disrespect and then expect a girl to find you attractive, you'll be viewed as a complete wimp and a push over. Women aren't attracted to those kind of guys. You don't necessarily need to act like a silverback gorilla either but you do need to have a back bone. Women need Men to have masculine qualities, they need to know that when push comes to shove you've got a bit of fight in you

Haha, jump to conclusions much? Just because i wrote that she found it acceptable doesn't mean i did or that i just let it happen.

I made it damn clear i wouldn't stand for it and that i thought it was a crappy thing for her to do, she tried to downplay it with "thats just how guys are when they talk to girls" or to flip it round completely and say i was being insecure. She never let it happen again while i was around but it did leave me wondering what else she would be okay with getting up to, especially towards the end. I should have known really because when i first met her she came back to my house from a club and we made out for a few hours on the sofa. Turns out she'd been "seeing" someone else from quite a distance away and she called it off with him for when she met me. She's probably done the same thing again, been unhappy with our relationship, done something stupid on one of the many nights out and then called it off using the failing relationship as a justification for her actions.

 

[MoDe]

Haha, jump to conclusions much? Just because i wrote that she found it acceptable doesn't mean i did or that i just let it happen.

I made it damn clear i wouldn't stand for it and that i thought it was a crappy thing for her to do, she tried to downplay it with "thats just how guys are when they talk to girls" or to flip it round completely and say i was being insecure. She never let it happen again while i was around but it did leave me wondering what else she would be okay with getting up to, especially towards the end. I should have known really because when i first met her she came back to my house from a club and we made out for a few hours on the sofa. Turns out she'd been "seeing" someone else from quite a distance away and she called it off with him for when she met me. She's probably done the same thing again, been unhappy with our relationship, done something stupid on one of the many nights out and then called it off using the failing relationship as a justification for her actions.

Bingo! - Dodged a chubby bullet mate . The worlds your oyster.

 

[Terrier_Jimlad]

A chap from work (diff dept) who knows what happened to me and the ex, sent me a match.com link on Facebook last night, opened it thinking it was some lass he was recommending, turns out to be my ex ... Said it was funny she put "trustworthy" and "loyal" on her profile - i'm not sure myself or the wife of the guy she was having an affair with would agree ...

Had to chuckle, bless her.

 

[Roar87]

Haha, jump to conclusions much? Just because i wrote that she found it acceptable doesn't mean i did or that i just let it happen.

I made it damn clear i wouldn't stand for it and that i thought it was a crappy thing for her to do, she tried to downplay it with "thats just how guys are when they talk to girls" or to flip it round completely and say i was being insecure. She never let it happen again while i was around but it did leave me wondering what else she would be okay with getting up to, especially towards the end. I should have known really because when i first met her she came back to my house from a club and we made out for a few hours on the sofa. Turns out she'd been "seeing" someone else from quite a distance away and she called it off with him for when she met me. She's probably done the same thing again, been unhappy with our relationship, done something stupid on one of the many nights out and then called it off using the failing relationship as a justification for her actions.

Sounds like she has daddy issues

 

[ChrisD.]

A chap from work (diff dept) who knows what happened to me and the ex, sent me a match.com link on Facebook last night, opened it thinking it was some lass he was recommending, turns out to be my ex ... Said it was funny she put "trustworthy" and "loyal" on her profile - i'm not sure myself or the wife of the guy she was having an affair with would agree ...

Had to chuckle, bless her.

How do you even link profiles on match?

 

[itchy]

I was going to start a new thread but thought it was more appropriate to put in here. (Don't want to be accused of click bait)

How do you deal with that time of the month with the missus.

I am not being derogatory or misogynistic.

I go through the meat grinder every 21 days or so and she just don't understand even though after 21 years together I know whats happening.

I say "Your due on!" SNAP!!!! The teeth are out!

But she acts such a retard that its hard to comprehend, if you 42 as she is and not understand what is happening with here own body at a certain time of the month, special needs or am I reading it wrong?

 

[mxoagentjohnson]

The person i was dating for 3 years died in a car crash we were in (Neither of us the drivers)

I havent dated since then, nor do i really feel i want to. That was 3 years ago this December. Maybe some day i'll find someone who rekindles my heart. but who knows.

 

[ikillbears]

The person i was dating for 3 years died in a car crash we were in (Neither of us the drivers)

I havent dated since then, nor do i really feel i want to. That was 3 years ago this December. Maybe some day i'll find someone who rekindles my heart. but who knows.

sorry to hear that man. to say ... i always think there are social pressures to go out and date. thats the 'normal' thing to do. i also think quite a lot of people end up with people who probably aren't really compatible and just do it for the sake of not being alone. so, you do you!!!. but out of interest. have you ever wondered if the occasion might have slipped you into depression ?

 

[mxoagentjohnson]

sorry to hear that man. to say ... i always think there are social pressures to go out and date. thats the 'normal' thing to do. i also think quite a lot of people end up with people who probably aren't really compatible and just do it for the sake of not being alone. so, you do you!!!. but out of interest. have you ever wondered if the occasion might have slipped you into depression ?

I've been diagnosed bipolar for 4 years now, so near the end of my relationship with her i had the diagnositic, it wasnt as unbearable as time has made it be but i hit a big slump after that, fell into self harm, abused my body a lot, locked myself away from the outside world. Only recently have i started to become better. Although i still have some serious lows.

Now i'm just job hunting and trying to discover my future, and sort out these missing years which i'm finding really hard, but i appreciate your supportive words friend

 

[Terrier_Jimlad]

Good to hear you're on the right path now though fella - onwards and upwards and remember, there is no rush!

 

[arknor]

I was going to start a new thread but thought it was more appropriate to put in here. (Don't want to be accused of click bait)

How do you deal with that time of the month with the missus.

I am not being derogatory or misogynistic.

I go through the meat grinder every 21 days or so and she just don't understand even though after 21 years together I know whats happening.

I say "Your due on!" SNAP!!!! The teeth are out!

But she acts such a retard that its hard to comprehend, if you 42 as she is and not understand what is happening with here own body at a certain time of the month, special needs or am I reading it wrong?

they know what's going on but don't care.
women seem to feel better when they are having a go at a man