The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[itchy]

Funny thing just happened...

We just had pizza, yer I know it late but she didn't get home till 10pm.

Watching some program about women in Siberia, I said "Russian women are very attractive" to which she replied "Its in Siberia not Russia"

I said "I cannot believe you just said that! " Mega face palm!

 

[413x]

Just a quick update

So a couple of weeks ago I completely lost it. I literally went back to being as bad as when she left
It hit me like a wave and all the coping was gone.
2 days of work and I had done half a days worth, went to doc, he signed me off, gave me some antidepressants. A week of hell ensues in my mind

Regret
Jealousy
Thinking she's probably really happy with maybe a new guy or at least friends while I collapse into depression wishing I could disappear
All the 'what ifs'
Basically how she's come out of this fine, like 6 years was nothing, and me wrecked.. Its hard that
Basically everything you shouldn't think about but can't help
How I was nothing to her at end, how it probably could have happened 3 years ago (new guy coming along)
And how I miss her but she probably doesn't even think of me now except for saying 'glad that's over' to new guy

5 days later the pills. Must start working my mood snaps into something different. I still have the thoughts, but the emotions are less violent.

Work isn't great which is actually why I got signed off, I'm not happy and so it wasn't able to distract me

Basically stress and anxiety from every angle.

I go back Monday (a bit early) to try and break up the day. I've been terrible for staying inside, not going to the gym, even though I want to. I made one friend at work who has been a god send to be honest just getting me out of the house.

So right now she is probably up to who knows with who knows, but happy, while I'm here just trying to keep it together.
I hate that I have these 'comparing' thoughts.

I truly wish I could just disappear. Which is horrible, but how I think.
The pills have quelled the emotions
No drive or ambition is left in me, as unfortunately I made her that very thing
How/when/if this will get better - I dunno
I know it won't if I stay in this mindset, but struggling to shift it.

Then I look at the online dating in the area and thread, and get this fear that I've had shot, blown it, won't find better, always will compare to her.. Etc etc
Again all bad thoughts, but seem very realistic.. Online dating seems to rarely work

Sorry about the post, it's always Saturday nights that are the hardest

 

[krisboats]

Just a quick update

So a couple of weeks ago I completely lost it. I literally went back to being as bad as when she left
It hit me like a wave and all the coping was gone.
2 days of work and I had done half a days worth, went to doc, he signed me off, gave me some antidepressants. A week of hell ensues in my mind

Regret
Jealousy
Thinking she's probably really happy with maybe a new guy or at least friends while I collapse into depression wishing I could disappear
All the 'what ifs'
Basically how she's come out of this fine, like 6 years was nothing, and me wrecked.. Its hard that
Basically everything you shouldn't think about but can't help
How I was nothing to her at end, how it probably could have happened 3 years ago (new guy coming along)
And how I miss her but she probably doesn't even think of me now except for saying 'glad that's over' to new guy

5 days later the pills. Must start working my mood snaps into something different. I still have the thoughts, but the emotions are less violent.

Work isn't great which is actually why I got signed off, I'm not happy and so it wasn't able to distract me

Basically stress and anxiety from every angle.

I go back Monday (a bit early) to try and break up the day. I've been terrible for staying inside, not going to the gym, even though I want to. I made one friend at work who has been a god send to be honest just getting me out of the house.

So right now she is probably up to who knows with who knows, but happy, while I'm here just trying to keep it together.
I hate that I have these 'comparing' thoughts.

I truly wish I could just disappear. Which is horrible, but how I think.
The pills have quelled the emotions
No drive or ambition is left in me, as unfortunately I made her that very thing
How/when/if this will get better - I dunno
I know it won't if I stay in this mindset, but struggling to shift it.

Then I look at the online dating in the area and thread, and get this fear that I've had shot, blown it, won't find better, always will compare to her.. Etc etc
Again all bad thoughts, but seem very realistic.. Online dating seems to rarely work

Sorry about the post, it's always Saturday nights that are the hardest

I'm going through the exact same thing dude, i know how you feel. The key things i noted from your text that i've found helped myself a lot where that you feel like you have no decent distractions and that you made HER your ambition. That's not healthy, its nice to have ambitions for the relationship but they need to be a partner to your own ambitions for yourself.

What sort of skills do you have? Have you ever built any furniture? I don't mean the ikea flatpack stuff. I mean make a goal of building a desk, a bookcase/table or even putting a shelf up. Spend a while cutting the wood, sanding it, priming it and painting it up. It sounds ridiculous but actually creating something is very healing and can help get you out of that cycle of thought because it's easy to get lost in getting the job done properly. If woodwork isn't your thing then replace it with something else, take half your car apart if only to strip the rust off and repaint parts or put fresh grease on bolts. You just need something you can get stuck into.

The gym is a hard place to go to when you're feeling down, all those lively people feeling happy and energetic is annoying so get some weights for at home and start some basic exercises. Do some curls, situps and pressups and you'll start to feel better doing that everyday for a week or two.

Online dating is a terrible crutch as well. The sheer volume of guys to girls on most formats means the girls can be overly picky and have a much broader choice. Even someone looking like brad pitt can struggle to get a decent return rate with things like tinder where as in real life they might get the number of 9 out of every 10 women they approach. If you invest too heavily you can feel let down or feel rejected on some levels and it can make things worse. Treat it like more of a joke, which is essentially what it is and you'll find that the replies gradually start to trickle in. I watched a vid-doc from a "pickup artist" and he said when he went into the online dating world it took roughly three months before he got into the swing of things compared to real life as it's an entirely different ball game. He does this for a living and if he finds it hard at first then anyone will. My first couple of weeks on tinder/pof etc were pretty slow, but i'm getting the hang of it a bit more and i've actually got a date lined up for monday. I've got no expectations from it at all and to be honest, would be quite happy just getting another friend to hang out with and using that mindset it's going to be hard for me to feel let down.

It's just hard dude. At the end of the day you're genuinely grieving for a loss. You've lost someone and it hits as hard as if someone had died on you. It'll take time but eventually it will get better. Everyone on here has been a great help to me and giving myself new tasks has helped a lot. This week i've been building a new computer desk and making that a priority and i feel much better for it. I've been working out and feeling better for that and the new dating thing is just a giggle and a chance to practice my "banter" skills rather than throw myself into a new relationship full force. It's been 3 months since my ex said she wanted her own place to make her happy, 2 months since we were on a break and a month since it was fully over and i moved out. I still think of her daily although it is fading somewhat now when i do. I loved her unconditionally which is very hard for me to do, people aggravate me unintentionally so to be with someone flaws and all was a big thing for me. I had plans to grow old with this girl and live a great life together but like vin diesel said, you simply can't tell someone they love you.

 

[Tacitus]

Just a quick update

So a couple of weeks ago I completely lost it. I literally went back to being as bad as when she left
It hit me like a wave and all the coping was gone.
2 days of work and I had done half a days worth, went to doc, he signed me off, gave me some antidepressants. A week of hell ensues in my mind

Regret
Jealousy
Thinking she's probably really happy with maybe a new guy or at least friends while I collapse into depression wishing I could disappear
All the 'what ifs'
Basically how she's come out of this fine, like 6 years was nothing, and me wrecked.. Its hard that
Basically everything you shouldn't think about but can't help
How I was nothing to her at end, how it probably could have happened 3 years ago (new guy coming along)
And how I miss her but she probably doesn't even think of me now except for saying 'glad that's over' to new guy

5 days later the pills. Must start working my mood snaps into something different. I still have the thoughts, but the emotions are less violent.

Work isn't great which is actually why I got signed off, I'm not happy and so it wasn't able to distract me

Basically stress and anxiety from every angle.

I go back Monday (a bit early) to try and break up the day. I've been terrible for staying inside, not going to the gym, even though I want to. I made one friend at work who has been a god send to be honest just getting me out of the house.

So right now she is probably up to who knows with who knows, but happy, while I'm here just trying to keep it together.
I hate that I have these 'comparing' thoughts.

I truly wish I could just disappear. Which is horrible, but how I think.
The pills have quelled the emotions
No drive or ambition is left in me, as unfortunately I made her that very thing
How/when/if this will get better - I dunno
I know it won't if I stay in this mindset, but struggling to shift it.

Then I look at the online dating in the area and thread, and get this fear that I've had shot, blown it, won't find better, always will compare to her.. Etc etc
Again all bad thoughts, but seem very realistic.. Online dating seems to rarely work

Sorry about the post, it's always Saturday nights that are the hardest

I know it's hard, but half the battle is really stopping the comparisons and resolving to move forward rather than dwell on the past. The jealousy and "what ifs" are exactly that. She's gone, and you know what? If she's happy then good, be glad for her. No one should feel how you're feeling, and you shouldn't wish that on anyone.

I was devastated to find out my ex was seeing someone after a couple months of us being apart, and it took me longer to get over her than her over me. Drive, ambition and motivation evaporated and it's hard to get it back. But trust me, it will return, it takes time, and it takes a little bit of work, and it takes some commitment on your part. I know it's tough, my 5 year relationship broke down and I just didn't know what to do.

But to your last point, you've not had your one shot at finding a great girl and blown it. I thought the exact same thing, the quirky in-jokes, the memories, the way she looked etc etc. I have been seeing a girl now for about 6 weeks who's funnier, more intelligent, and just all-round more likeable. But it's made me realise that there are really nice people out there who want to spend time with me, who like me and I know I can shoot high.

Honestly, just give it time, and try and get yourself off those antidepressants ASAP, and I promise you you'll be fine. As always, happy to have a chat/answer your questions mate.

 

[PermaChanged]

If you really felt you had to say something to your current gf then you should have said you had broken up with the ex but were living together temporarily prior to moving out because of financial issues.

We weren't living together, part of the reason I wanted to end it, things hadn't changed between us in the almost 9 years together.

Thats more true than what you did. What you have told your current gf is not actually the truth.

I told my girl the truth, in what way haven't I?

Were you sleeping with your ex when you were chatting to this new lady?

Not even once.

the guy clearly lacks the moral compass he claims to be guided by

stringed his GF along for 9 months knowing he would end it after a friends wedding :O

seriously if that was my sister I would be mad as hell and ruin you

No one was strung along, it didn't come as a surprise to her and it felt to me like I saved her a job based on her reaction to the situation. Aren't I lucky that it wasn't your sister

Snip

Cheers for the advice and viewpoint, I didn't think ending it before the wedding was the best idea but I'll never know now.

She might think you'll do the same to her.

That's the exact thing which was/is going through her head.

We've spoken and met since, I think everything will be fine.

 

[Steampunk]

That's the exact thing which was/is going through her head.

We've spoken and met since, I think everything will be fine.

Blokes have a tendency to want to confess. They want to get it off their chests and clear their guilt. Women tend not to want to do that in order to avoid conflict. If you can see how those two viewpoints clash, then you can see how you were just clearing something unimportant out of the way, but she saw that as a big deal because you mentioned it.

For instance, a new girlfriend might want a new bed, because you slept with your old girlfriend in that bed. For a man, it's just a bed, and doesn't carry the same emotional weight.

Right now, I'd just say ignore it, let it all blow over. Bringing it up again just stirs it up. If she brings it up and asks you, just explain how as a man you felt you wanted to get this off your chest, but that it was totally meaningless and that you realise now that she would have read far more importance into this "confession" than you ever meant for it to have.

You were trying to make sure she didn't find out some time in the future and think you lied to her as well as cheated on the old GF. You didn't realise that she would consider it to be such a significant thing when you don't think of it that way and that was something you never meant to convey.

I'm glad you got it sorted though, as it seems like you are totally besotted with this new woman, and it would be a shame for it to blow up over such a silly thing in the past. It is really all about her worrying about how you might treat her in the future, when she's forgetting how you are treating her now. She's worrying about things that haven't happened, based on her interpreting a past event in the worst possible way, unintended by you.

 

[ikillbears]

Just a quick update

So a couple of weeks ago I completely lost it. I literally went back to being as bad as when she left
It hit me like a wave and all the coping was gone.
2 days of work and I had done half a days worth, went to doc, he signed me off, gave me some antidepressants. A week of hell ensues in my mind

Regret
Jealousy
Thinking she's probably really happy with maybe a new guy or at least friends while I collapse into depression wishing I could disappear
All the 'what ifs'
Basically how she's come out of this fine, like 6 years was nothing, and me wrecked.. Its hard that
Basically everything you shouldn't think about but can't help
How I was nothing to her at end, how it probably could have happened 3 years ago (new guy coming along)
And how I miss her but she probably doesn't even think of me now except for saying 'glad that's over' to new guy

5 days later the pills. Must start working my mood snaps into something different. I still have the thoughts, but the emotions are less violent.

Work isn't great which is actually why I got signed off, I'm not happy and so it wasn't able to distract me

Basically stress and anxiety from every angle.

I go back Monday (a bit early) to try and break up the day. I've been terrible for staying inside, not going to the gym, even though I want to. I made one friend at work who has been a god send to be honest just getting me out of the house.

So right now she is probably up to who knows with who knows, but happy, while I'm here just trying to keep it together.
I hate that I have these 'comparing' thoughts.

I truly wish I could just disappear. Which is horrible, but how I think.
The pills have quelled the emotions
No drive or ambition is left in me, as unfortunately I made her that very thing
How/when/if this will get better - I dunno
I know it won't if I stay in this mindset, but struggling to shift it.

Then I look at the online dating in the area and thread, and get this fear that I've had shot, blown it, won't find better, always will compare to her.. Etc etc
Again all bad thoughts, but seem very realistic.. Online dating seems to rarely work

Sorry about the post, it's always Saturday nights that are the hardest

ive told you. go and speak to some one. say a psychotherapist. i think youll find that the problems you are having and the things you have spoken about are more problems with you. the way how you see and feel about your self. its glaringly obvious in your writings. also, don't go on dating sites. you are definitely no where neeeaaarrr that idea

 

[krisboats]

So i got a call out of the blue yesterday from the ex, after a few weeks of no contact, saying she missed me and wanted to pop over for a cup of tea. I didnt know how to feel about it and thought maybe with the pending date for tonight i wouldn't be so emotionally invested and would be able to handle meeting her on a much more amicable terms than before. I need her to look after the cat while i'm away in a weeks time so was going to have to speak to her at some point. So she rocked up, wearing the shortest dress i've ever seen and with her pants practically showing. Turns out she went to a pool party the night before and got really drunk.

Long story short, i carried on building my desk and made casual small talk. Took the **** out of her a bit and threw her shoes in a bush (not in a mean way) but basically i was able to talk to her like a friend rather than being emotionally devoted to her like i have been. She wanted a big hug and said she felt unloved these days and really alone and wanted to know if i'd miss her if she moved herself to another country to live away from her problems here.

By the time she left i felt as though the whole thing was an act to help her feel a little self validation as she clearly wanted to feel appreciated/cared for. All it served for me was that although we still had the connection to have a laugh and joke around, she'd literally come from a night of drinking/boozing and wanted to crash out somewhere she felt wanted. I declined getting food with her and dropped her off at home (got a gym part i'd lost while there so a win for me!) Her place was an absolute **** tip though and i couldnt stand to be there longer than a few minutes so promptly left. Not before pointing out that i was clearly right when i used to say all the mess around the house was hers. Haha

Soooo, date night tonight! I feel a lot happier in myself now and i think yesterday served well to show me that i am actually moving on with my life and i'm starting to see how bad/annoying she was now i've taken off the rose tinted glasses so to speak.

 

[Hades]

Good update krisboats. Have fun tonight

 

[Steampunk]

Soooo, date night tonight! I feel a lot happier in myself now and i think yesterday served well to show me that i am actually moving on with my life and i'm starting to see how bad/annoying she was now i've taken off the rose tinted glasses so to speak.

"The best revenge is to live well". There comes a point where you know you've moved on because that thing in your past just isn't important to you any more. It's not hate, love or understanding, it's indifference. The big space that was occupied by your ex, that was then a big hole in your life, has closed up and isn't there any more. That means you can move on and find someone else to fill that part of your life on your own terms and when you feel like it. A bit of time and distance can do wonders for your sense of perspective.

 

[RoboCod]

Yay for Krisboats! Nice one.

 

[krisboats]

Date stood me up! Haha.

Sent her a ridiculous text about having kidnapped someone else instead of her so need a few days to wash the blood out the car before i can even re-arrange. Got a text back a little while later really apologising and saying she thought it was tuesday instead.

Dont know wether to believe her or think my text was so funny she changed her mind!

 

[ChrisD.]

I'm on a date tonight. I met her when out on the beer with some mates, exchanged numbers etc. She was texting me last night saying last message as she's out of credit.

 

[Steampunk]

Dont know wether to believe her or think my text was so funny she changed her mind!

If you're free, call her bluff and take her out tonight.

 

[HaloUK]

Nothing to loose, as Steampunk said take her out this evening. Enjoy!

 

[krisboats]

I asked but she's "going gym". I don't get why someone would make plans, then never show and be disinterested later. Oh well, quiet evening for once for me then

 

[arknor]

I asked but she's "going gym". I don't get why someone would make plans, then never show and be disinterested later. Oh well, quiet evening for once for me then

she probably got a better offer but still wants you on the back burner

 

[scorchisio]

if you get stood up i would never speak to them again, its a very disrespectful thing to do.

 

[Rids]

Not sure I'm in a fit position to give advice but...

Don't chase her on this one, if she prompts the date idea play hard to get.

Clearly this has worked for me, its why I'm so successful with women. :rollseyes:

 

[Tefal]

she probably got a better offer but still wants you on the back burner

ding ding ding

i've done it before tbh, set up meeting with someone, find a better offer "oh sorry number 1 somethings come up i cant make it for X lets do it on Y instead"