The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Thompson_NCL said:
On the other hand, maybe she is struggling to have a relationship with you alongside the weight of work and her child. Moving in together will enable her to have that relationship. If you think you could have a future with her, then you need to make the extra effort to make things work around her burdens.

I realise everyone will disagree and say "don't be a pushover" etc but sometimes women aren't playing games and are just hopeless at managing their responsibilities. It would be a shame to give something up which you could fix.
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Yes totally agree, its tempting to be "Alpha Male" and just dump her and move on....potentially, not the grown up way to go though. Relationships are hard.

For background, we live 15 miles apart...overwhelmingly its me going to her. She's come for a night out in my town once in the last year. She's come over to stay with her kid another 10 times or so. I go to hers once a week, at least. The other week she was ill so i rushed over to hers to take her kid out for the day (i was off work already) with my own 2 kids. Often i cook when at hers, and buy the food too.

So, i feel i pull my weight.
 
RDM said:
Going against the grain a little here, her first text seemed fairly reasonable, she had a problem and suggested a solution. At which point you started putting barriers up.

Text can be an awful medium for those sorts of conversation as tone of voice is assumed.
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Fair point...she has cancelled on me before though...from being unwell/ tired / stressed / busy etc etc i probably was just anticipating that....didn't say no to Sunday, but I wasn't prepared to make firm plans. Part of me had not so much sympathy for her being "busy" getting a massage to be honest.
 
RDM said:
Going against the grain a little here, her first text seemed fairly reasonable, she had a problem and suggested a solution. At which point you started putting barriers up.

Text can be an awful medium for those sorts of conversation as tone of voice is assumed.
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This is what I was thinking too.

Stolly said:
Fair point...she has cancelled on me before though...from being unwell/ tired / stressed / busy etc etc i probably was just anticipating that....didn't say no to Sunday, but I wasn't prepared to make firm plans. Part of me had not so much sympathy for her being "busy" getting a massage to be honest.
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By the sounds of it if you need to recall previous examples where she's done this and are unable to forget the past discrepancies then I'd say your as bad as each other when communicating with each other.
 
.Lethal said:
This is what I was thinking too.



By the sounds of it if you need to recall previous examples where she's done this and are unable to forget the past discrepancies then I'd say your as bad as each other when communicating with each other.
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Probably so....if you where in my shoes, what would you say to her now ? Not heard from her since last night.
 
Stolly said:
Probably so....if you where in my shoes, what would you say to her now ? Not heard from her since last night.
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Talk to her. Lack of communication is what almost destroyed my marriage and it is so much better now that we are properly talking.
 
Stolly said:
Probably so....if you where in my shoes, what would you say to her now ? Not heard from her since last night.
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If you love her, go out of your way and show her and forget about what happened in the past otherwise when these things do arise their going to annoy you a lot.

After you're both communicating and things are "normal" have a talk and get a better understanding of how you feel in these situations and hear her side. Sounds very simple to say but it's the best I can think of that I'd want to do :D
 
Stolly, clearly sack her off. Sounds like too much effort for someone you aren't even that far down the garden path with. Do you really want to waste your time playing 'tests' and games after a year of seeing one another? No thanks Jeff
 
.Lethal said:
If you love her, go out of your way and show her and forget about what happened in the past otherwise when these things do arise their going to annoy you a lot.

After you're both communicating and things are "normal" have a talk and get a better understanding of how you feel in these situations and hear her side. Sounds very simple to say but it's the best I can think of that I'd want to do :D
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Talked....she is now not sure about coming on Sunday....due to my sarcasm. My idea about keeping clothes down at the dads was "stupid" and it was evidence of me "trying to control her"

I should be jumping at the chance to see her on Sunday, and its not as if I have anything better to do. I'm also being negative. She's just trying to keep everyone happy and its outside her control anyway, she had no choice.

That about covers it.
 
Stolly said:
Talked....she is now not sure about coming on Sunday....due to my sarcasm. My idea about keeping clothes down at the dads was "stupid" and it was evidence of me "trying to control her"

I should be jumping at the chance to see her on Sunday, and its not as if I have anything better to do. I'm also being negative. She's just trying to keep everyone happy and its outside her control anyway, she had no choice.

That about covers it.
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So she wants you to be understanding and supportive, while she's being the exact opposite. Is that they way you want your future to go? There's reasons why you're holding back from letting this woman move in with you, and why you're saying that you're worried that you'll have no escape from her if she's there all the time. You need to think hard about why that is.

It's easy to have a part time relationship where you only see each other once or twice a week, you make it a special occasion and have a good time. What's harder is when you are sharing the everyday grind of getting on with life together, and doing all the boring mundane stuff that needs to get done. If she's like this and you're still in the honeymoon period and not having the stresses of making room in your life for this woman...

It seems to me that she's making allowance for everyone but you, and she's (at the very least) taking you for granted. She's not even making the slightest effort to see things from your point of view, and in fact she's gone out of her way to have an argument by blowing up something quite innocuous. If it's just life getting on top of her, then why is she taking it out on you? Why, when her schedule had to change, was it you that got it in the neck, not her ex and not her massage?

No serious relationship material would say you should be glad to be taking them out. They would say how much they wanted to see you, how if they couldn't make it, they would miss you. Not that you should be grateful and you've got nothing better to do.
 
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Stolly said:
Talked....she is now not sure about coming on Sunday....due to my sarcasm. My idea about keeping clothes down at the dads was "stupid" and it was evidence of me "trying to control her"

I should be jumping at the chance to see her on Sunday, and its not as if I have anything better to do. I'm also being negative. She's just trying to keep everyone happy and its outside her control anyway, she had no choice.

That about covers it.
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Well -

Steampunk said:
So she wants you to be understanding and supportive, while she's being the exact opposite. Is that they way you want your future to go? There's reasons why you're holding back from letting this woman move in with you, and why you're saying that you're worried that you'll have no escape from her if she's there all the time. You need to think hard about why that is.

It's easy to have a part time relationship where you only see each other once or twice a week, you make it a special occasion and have a good time. What's harder is when you are sharing the everyday grind of getting on with life together, and doing all the boring mundane stuff that needs to get done. If she's like this and you're still in the honeymoon period and not having the stresses of making room in your life for this woman...

It seems to me that she's making allowance for everyone but you, and she's (at the very least) taking you for granted. She's not even making the slightest effort to see things from your point of view, and in fact she's gone out of her way to have an argument by blowing up something quite innocuous. If it's just life getting on top of her, then why is she taking it out on you? Why, when her schedule had to change, was it you that got it in the neck, not her ex and not her massage?

No serious relationship material would say you should be glad to be taking them out. They would say how much they wanted to see you, how if they couldn't make it, they would miss you. Not that you should be grateful and you've got nothing better to do.
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This. Or short version: Sever.
 
Well after nearly 6 years, I'm back on my own.
Found one of my 'best mates' with his hands down my GFs pants last night, I'd have sparked him out but I have new carpet.

Onwards and upwards, at least my new house is a pretty sweet man cave... :D
 
mattyprice4004 said:
Well after nearly 6 years, I'm back on my own.
Found one of my 'best mates' with his hands down my GFs pants last night, I'd have sparked him out but I have new carpet.

Onwards and upwards, at least my new house is a pretty sweet man cave... :D
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Sorry to hear that - not sure what I would have done if I had caught my ex and him together, you did well to keep your cool. I found out via email :(
 
Thanks guys. One of those things - we have a lovely daughter together, so for her to be able to do that shows me that she's not the kind of person I want or need in my life.

At least I have work to keep me busy. :)
 
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