The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[lafemmefatale]

Just a little update! I've moved on quite considerably since last I posted in here. I've cut all contact with the ex and it's been very beneficial both emotionally and physically. I'm eating better, I had lost a stone in around 5 weeks due to stress (I've always been on the low side BMI wise, so losing weight is a big negative indicator for me) and now I'm back up to my normal weight. I've been to the doctors and sorted medication out and also started a course of CBT. I feel much better about myself, the future and I'm enjoying life as a single woman.

I've also been chatting to someone I've known for the last few years who has just moved out to the US and we have a nice connection, he's coming back over to the UK at Christmas to visit family and after some juggling of flights we've arranged to meet up for a weekend mid-December. If all goes well the intentions are for me to fly out to the US early next year for a couple of weeks and see how things go.

 

[Tacitus]

Just a little update! I've moved on quite considerably since last I posted in here. I've cut all contact with the ex and it's been very beneficial both emotionally and physically. I'm eating better, I had lost a stone in around 5 weeks due to stress (I've always been on the low side BMI wise, so losing weight is a big negative indicator for me) and now I'm back up to my normal weight. I've been to the doctors and sorted medication out and also started a course of CBT. I feel much better about myself, the future and I'm enjoying life as a single woman.

I've also been chatting to someone I've known for the last few years who has just moved out to the US and we have a nice connection, he's coming back over to the UK at Christmas to visit family and after some juggling of flights we've arranged to meet up for a weekend mid-December. If all goes well the intentions are for me to fly out to the US early next year for a couple of weeks and see how things go.

Nice to see good news coming from this thread too

Hope things work out for you!

 

[SonniLombardi]

No time for that stuff these days. Unfriend > beer > crack on.

That's the spirit, plenty more wonderful fish in the sea

 

[mattyprice4004]

That's the spirit, plenty more wonderful fish in the sea

Exactly.
Didn't buy the Phaeton, managed to avoid going thermonuclear and having some kind of crisis.

She's still living here, but not for long. Feeling brilliant today.

 

[413x]

Just a little update! I've moved on quite considerably since last I posted in here. I've cut all contact with the ex and it's been very beneficial both emotionally and physically. I'm eating better, I had lost a stone in around 5 weeks due to stress (I've always been on the low side BMI wise, so losing weight is a big negative indicator for me) and now I'm back up to my normal weight. I've been to the doctors and sorted medication out and also started a course of CBT. I feel much better about myself, the future and I'm enjoying life as a single woman.

I've also been chatting to someone I've known for the last few years who has just moved out to the US and we have a nice connection, he's coming back over to the UK at Christmas to visit family and after some juggling of flights we've arranged to meet up for a weekend mid-December. If all goes well the intentions are for me to fly out to the US early next year for a couple of weeks and see how things go.

I lost a stone too in about a month, sorted medication (eventually) and started cbt (even more eventually)
I think I'm at the point of feeling how was within the relationship. The odd bit of happy with mainly flat.
The difference is I have less stress now but less to work for.
Next thing I need to sort is work/job/career. It was and is on the rocks regardless of my ex. But now at least if it ends I am not bound by location.

I'm open to new things coming along but not actively looking for them.
I still feel pointless, but this isn't my relationship breakdown it's something more fundamental
Finding out the unfair thing my ex said about Me and that she is with the guy I thought she left me for has actually helped.

Drive is still a problem, but again, that's deeper than the relationship.

I think I now realize I was holding myself together during the relationship. Trying to keep that going with a broken mind and keep her happy, but failing at it due to being 'broken' myself and not getting the support back.

What was hard was now really thinking she didn't want to be with me the last 4 of 6 years. But it is the past now.

Just need to fix myself/career now before they crumble! Which I never did trying to maintain my relationship (badly)

 

[krisboats]

Seen my ex a couple of times recently, she paid me to fix her laptop and so as i needed the money i did it. When i collected i was in the house less than an hour and she had cried over a flippant comment her brother made about taking me for granted, she had a tantrum over which one of them should enter a password on a website and it looked like she hadn't combed her her in about a week.

The next time she came to collect the laptop, she cried because she thought she had her bike stolen (she'd forgotten where she locked it, not stolen) then she turned up hungover, still wearing last nights clothes and again, looking like something of a train wreck. She stuck around and gave me a game on the xbox and when i dropped her home she brought up how she wanted to "hang out" and be friends. I pointed out that i didn't want to and wasn't interested and when she brought up the xbox game and pizza i explained it wasn't that i was playing with her that i enjoyed, i just like doing those activities. I could have had a monkey sat next to me for the amount of **** i gave, haha. Went down really well.


On the other hand, my place was immaculate (where as hers was disgusting), both she and her brother immediately noticed how much better i look after going to the gym and she couldn't stop touching me and commenting on how i'm so much bigger now that i don't even feel the same.

It seems despite how i've felt over recent weeks i'm doing much better than her, which is a bit of a comfort in itself.


On my relationship front, i've had someone add me on a dating site and start messaging me. I suck hard at text flirting so it kinda feels like it's been going through mundane motions to me, i'd refer to meet up and say hello in person but she said from the get go she didn't want to meet anybody until she got to know them through messaging for a while first. Been about 4 weeks now so for me thats more than enough. I've suggested ideas for a second date (seems to work better suggesting a second before having had a first) and she seems keen on the idea i think but suggesting the first meet through text is always my downfall. Any pointers?

 

[Mr Joshua]

4 weeks and you've still not met?!

Push her for a meet now and if she's hesitant move on, there's plenty of others out there. The first girl I met I asked after chatting for a day or so, she said she wasn't up for meeting just yet so I gave it a few days and asked again with success. There seems little point in endlessly chatting, you may not get along so well in person.

Four weeks is taking the ****.

 

[Steampunk]

On the other hand, my place was immaculate (where as hers was disgusting), both she and her brother immediately noticed how much better i look after going to the gym and she couldn't stop touching me and commenting on how i'm so much bigger now that i don't even feel the same.

It seems despite how i've felt over recent weeks i'm doing much better than her, which is a bit of a comfort in itself.

This is the real you. She was a big old whirlwind of drama and mess, and you were trapped in it. Now you've got out from the disaster zone, you're finding out who you are within yourself, without being part of a couple.

She on the other hand, is finding out who she really is when you're not there to try and constantly pick her up. She made her bed, and now she has to lie in it.

I bet when you look at her now from outside your old relationship, and ignore all the shared history... she's not that attractive to you any more. I'm surprised you've stayed in contact (as severing is the recommended option), but it's obviously easier when you're doing better than her.

There might be repercussions if you're there with a new woman, and she turns up. She doesn't sound very stable, even worse without your influence in her everyday life.

 

[Steampunk]

Just a little update! I've moved on quite considerably since last I posted in here. I've cut all contact with the ex and it's been very beneficial both emotionally and physically. I'm eating better, I had lost a stone in around 5 weeks due to stress (I've always been on the low side BMI wise, so losing weight is a big negative indicator for me) and now I'm back up to my normal weight. I've been to the doctors and sorted medication out and also started a course of CBT. I feel much better about myself, the future and I'm enjoying life as a single woman.

I'm glad to hear you're doing better. Cutting off from the old life is always a big help as it takes you away from toxic situations and people.

I think the CBT is good for helping break you out of stressful or depressing cycles of thought. It helps explain the mental mechanisms that people are subject to, and helps you find a way forwards once you understand them. It also gives some very simple techniques that can help you think more clearly and prevent you spiralling into bad thoughts and emotions.

I've also been chatting to someone I've known for the last few years who has just moved out to the US and we have a nice connection, he's coming back over to the UK at Christmas to visit family and after some juggling of flights we've arranged to meet up for a weekend mid-December. If all goes well the intentions are for me to fly out to the US early next year for a couple of weeks and see how things go.

I'm not a big fan of the long distance relationship. If you really want to be with someone, even only seeing them at weekends can be difficult, but it is intense when you get together. Transatlantic is a whole different league, and I couldn't do it. It's too painful to be part of someone's life, but never there for them, and them never there for you. You spend a lot of time missing someone and being sad, then when you're together, it's all crazy, kind of like a bi-polar relationship.

Beware the emails/texts/chat, etc. It can provide a false sense of intense intimacy that may not be reproduced in person. I think your brain ends up with two models of the person in your head, depending on the context, and these can be difficult to connect together.

Still, if you already know them in person, you have a better idea of what they are like in real life, and that will carry you far to start with. I am slightly surprised (not) that you are jumping into another relationship so soon after you swore off people for a bit to enjoy the single life.

I think it's important after a big traumatic breakup to be by yourself for a while (which you will be with a long distance relationship), and figure out who you are as individual, rather than part of a couple. In the long run it helps you grow as a person, makes you grow a rounder personality, and I think it makes people more attractive if they know themselves. Sometimes though, a good person just drops into your lap, and timing be damned.

But good luck anyway, and I look forward to more updates! I really appreciate when you and others come back and let the OCUK Hug Team know how your story is continuing. It's part of the post breakup after-care and emotional support that we provide.

 

[arknor]

Beware the emails/texts/chat, etc. It can provide a false sense of intense intimacy that may not be reproduced in person. I think your brain ends up with two models of the person in your head, depending on the context, and these can be difficult to connect together.

it's like there's two different personalities your text personality and your actual one.
people try hard to appear interesting then you meet them and they are dull as the white van that says "clean me"


also amazing how people in selfies look so different to in person that you wouldn't even recognise them.

anyone with only selfies is either fat or an absolute mess hidden by the camera lense

was looking at okcupid last night and one lass who claimed to be 28 had a picture of one of her tattoos

all her kids names and date of births
2005,2007,2008 and 2011

real classy like

 

[lafemmefatale]

I'm glad to hear you're doing better. Cutting off from the old life is always a big help as it takes you away from toxic situations and people.

I think the CBT is good for helping break you out of stressful or depressing cycles of thought. It helps explain the mental mechanisms that people are subject to, and helps you find a way forwards once you understand them. It also gives some very simple techniques that can help you think more clearly and prevent you spiralling into bad thoughts and emotions.



I'm not a big fan of the long distance relationship. If you really want to be with someone, even only seeing them at weekends can be difficult, but it is intense when you get together. Transatlantic is a whole different league, and I couldn't do it. It's too painful to be part of someone's life, but never there for them, and them never there for you. You spend a lot of time missing someone and being sad, then when you're together, it's all crazy, kind of like a bi-polar relationship.

Beware the emails/texts/chat, etc. It can provide a false sense of intense intimacy that may not be reproduced in person. I think your brain ends up with two models of the person in your head, depending on the context, and these can be difficult to connect together.

Still, if you already know them in person, you have a better idea of what they are like in real life, and that will carry you far to start with. I am slightly surprised (not) that you are jumping into another relationship so soon after you swore off people for a bit to enjoy the single life.

I think it's important after a big traumatic breakup to be by yourself for a while (which you will be with a long distance relationship), and figure out who you are as individual, rather than part of a couple. In the long run it helps you grow as a person, makes you grow a rounder personality, and I think it makes people more attractive if they know themselves.

But good luck anyway, and I look forward to more updates! I really appreciate when you and others come back and let the OCUK Hug Team know how your story is continuing. It's part of the post breakup after-care and emotional support that we provide.

Thank you for the good wishes!

I do feel as if I've come a long way since this time last month, and the weeks previous to that.

The thing with the guy I mentioned is borne of mutual amused wariness. I've known him for a long time, he was the go-to guy for a quiet drink that turned into an epic night out when things weren't so good. I'm well aware of his past and he is of mine too, so for that reason we're keeping things friendly and the meet-up in December is going to be a proverbial dipping of the toes into the water. We message each other virtually every day, chat on Skype and he's just one of life's fun people. I'm conscious of the fact that deep down he realises I'm on the rebound and that's why things are progressing extremely slowly, in all respects. I respect him far too much than to go jumping in feet first again. Maybe I've finally learned my lesson?

(then again, maybe not?)

 

[Steampunk]

Thank you for the good wishes!

I do feel as if I've come a long way since this time last month, and the weeks previous to that.

The thing with the guy I mentioned is borne of mutual amused wariness. I've known him for a long time, he was the go-to guy for a quiet drink that turned into an epic night out when things weren't so good. I'm well aware of his past and he is of mine too, so for that reason we're keeping things friendly and the meet-up in December is going to be a proverbial dipping of the toes into the water. We message each other virtually every day, chat on Skype and he's just one of life's fun people.

I made a quick ninja edit you might not have seen. Sometimes, despite bad timing, the right person drops into your life. Don't take what I said as discouragement (except about the long distance thing - that's really hard). Sometimes you have to stick two fingers up to the universe and go with circumstances despite any bad timing. Better to grab onto something good with both hands than to let it go just because of other stuff that's been going on at around the same time.

The fact is that a good friend can be one of the best partners someone can have if it works out. I always think it's weird when people have a best friend they want to spend more time with than their partners. The person you love should be your best friend. If it goes wrong, you will likely break that friendship, but it's worth the risk for what can be a very fulfilling relationship.

I never understand that Hollywood thing of characters who never want to declare their love for fear of "losing a friend". It's always worth the risk (and it always happens in the movies), because you could gain the love of your life. If you don't feel that way about the person you're with, something is not right. They should be the person that gives you the most on every level.

Yeah, I know it can all be dismissed as romantic nonsense, and life doesn't work like that all the time, but if it's something you strive for every day, then you can make it happen often enough to count.

I'm conscious of the fact that deep down he realises I'm on the rebound and that's why things are progressing extremely slowly, in all respects. I respect him far too much than to go jumping in feet first again. Maybe I've finally learned my lesson?

(then again, maybe not?)

LOL. The fact is you're taking it slow because you don't have a choice. He's on another continent, and knows far too much about you. That will actually be good, as it gives you a few months of recovery from your last escapade, and give you both a chance to get to know each other in the new context of romantic entanglement. That's not a bad thing if you want to connect with someone on a deeper level.

 

[krisboats]

4 weeks and you've still not met?!

Push her for a meet now and if she's hesitant move on, there's plenty of others out there. The first girl I met I asked after chatting for a day or so, she said she wasn't up for meeting just yet so I gave it a few days and asked again with success. There seems little point in endlessly chatting, you may not get along so well in person.

Four weeks is taking the ****.

I was out of the country for almost two weeks, not entirely her fault! Haha, Probably should have mentioned that Also, i don't want to just go on the rebound with this girl as she actually seems really nice so i guess to a degree i've been happy to bumble along sending sarcastic texts and having fun in that medium while i've been getting a bit more ready for meeting up with someone new.

This is the real you. She was a big old whirlwind of drama and mess, and you were trapped in it. Now you've got out from the disaster zone, you're finding out who you are within yourself, without being part of a couple.

She on the other hand, is finding out who she really is when you're not there to try and constantly pick her up. She made her bed, and now she has to lie in it.

I bet when you look at her now from outside your old relationship, and ignore all the shared history... she's not that attractive to you any more. I'm surprised you've stayed in contact (as severing is the recommended option), but it's obviously easier when you're doing better than her.

There might be repercussions if you're there with a new woman, and she turns up. She doesn't sound very stable, even worse without your influence in her everyday life.

As per usual, you make a lot of great points and are right on the ball. Don't get me wrong, she's not on her way to the bottom of a drug den and she's supposed to be starting her psychotherapy next week but she certainly doesn't appear to be flourishing like i feel i'm doing at the minute. I've been on holiday downhill biking in france last week which is something i've wanted to do for years! (much better way of spending the engagement ring money as well hahaha) The gym is clearly paying off, i'm eating better and i feel happier and more confident again. There's the odd second where she has that smile i used to love where i see the old her that i fell in love with, but the moment is so fleeting and short lived that it just serves as a stark contrast to how she is the rest of the time. The smoking alone is something i find intolerable.

I know it's going to sound weird, but i really dislike her smell when she sweats now as well. It was never a problem until the last year of the relationship when her sweat started to smell sour or kinda like vinegar. I guess i really just don't find her attractive any more and like you said, the whirlwind of drama being gone has really lifted my spirits.

Now i just need to find a career path that i'd enjoy and be able to sink my teeth into. I think that's the one area in my life that's lacking somewhat and i kinda put it on hold thinking once she's finished uni we'll move somewhere and make a big change on the work front. Nothing stopping me now!

 

[lafemmefatale]

I made a quick ninja edit you might not have seen. Sometimes, despite bad timing, the right person drops into your life. Don't take what I said as discouragement (except about the long distance thing - that's really hard). Sometimes you have to stick two fingers up to the universe and go with circumstances despite any bad timing. Better to grab onto something good with both hands than to let it go just because of other stuff that's been going on at around the same time.

The fact is that a good friend can be one of the best partners someone can have if it works out. I always think it's weird when people have a best friend they want to spend more time with than their partners. The person you love should be your best friend. If it goes wrong, you will likely break that friendship, but it's worth the risk for what can be a very fulfilling relationship.

I never understand that Hollywood thing of characters who never want to declare their love for fear of "losing a friend". It's always worth the risk (and it always happens in the movies), because you could gain the love of your life. If you don't feel that way about the person you're with, something is not right. They should be the person that gives you the most on every level.

Yeah, I know it can all be dismissed as romantic nonsense, and life doesn't work like that all the time, but if it's something you strive for every day, then you can make it happen often enough to count.

I have no qualms with giving a friendship the chance to blossom. I completely agree that if you're going to be with someone, they have to be your everything. For all the external factors disappearing into that little bubble with them should always be a fulfilling experience. (Didn't see the ninja edit by the way )

LOL. The fact is you're taking it slow because you don't have a choice. He's on another continent, and knows far too much about you. That will actually be good, as it gives you a few months of recovery from your last escapade, and give you both a chance to get to know each other in the new context of romantic entanglement. That's not a bad thing if you want to connect with someone on a deeper level.

I'm taking baby steps into this one with my eyes wide open. I've spent more than enough time beating myself up about previous failures and as it happens I'm feeling more positive about myself than I have in a long time. Sometimes tough love and stark facts smacking you in the face is what it takes. I got to the point where I wasn't content with my own company and I needed to be with someone constantly in order to feel good about myself. That's changed and I'm happy enough getting on with things on my own.

 

[Steampunk]

I have no qualms with giving a friendship the chance to blossom. I completely agree that if you're going to be with someone, they have to be your everything. For all the external factors disappearing into that little bubble with them should always be a fulfilling experience. (Didn't see the ninja edit by the way )

That's why it's a ninja edit, and not just an edit.

I'm taking baby steps into this one with my eyes wide open. I've spent more than enough time beating myself up about previous failures and as it happens I'm feeling more positive about myself than I have in a long time. Sometimes tough love and stark facts smacking you in the face is what it takes. I got to the point where I wasn't content with my own company and I needed to be with someone constantly in order to feel good about myself. That's changed and I'm happy enough getting on with things on my own.

Jeez, if I didn't know a little of your history, I'd say you were grown up and well adjusted. When you understand yourself, I think you become a more attractive person to others. Being part of a couple quickly starts to define you, and people lose their sense of identity. Then it becomes habit to always be with someone, because without another person, you're kind of lost and don't know who you are. Sometimes the wrong partner actually wears you down, and you become a lesser version of yourself. You need to be alone to build yourself back up, and eventually find someone to hold you up instead of hold you down.

It's amazing the number of people that are stuck with the wrong person out of habit or because they don't know who they are any more. People who don't even like each other, let alone love each other.

 

[413x]

That's why it's a ninja edit, and not just an edit.



Jeez, if I didn't know a little of your history, I'd say you were grown up and well adjusted. When you understand yourself, I think you become a more attractive person to others. Being part of a couple quickly starts to define you, and people lose their sense of identity. Then it becomes habit to always be with someone, because without another person, you're kind of lost and don't know who you are. Sometimes the wrong partner actually wears you down, and you become a lesser version of yourself. You need to be alone to build yourself back up, and eventually find someone to hold you up instead of hold you down.

It's amazing the number of people that are stuck with the wrong person out of habit or because they don't know who they are any more. People who don't even like each other, let alone love each other.

So much me.
Now I look back and I had so many signals to 'get out'
But when she was showing me she didn't want to be with me I tried even more to keep it together
In the end the inevitable happened.

I lost everything.
Few friends I had
Now lost things I used to enjoy because they are tied to her

These being
F1,
Photography
Gaming to a large extent
Most films

Things that I still enjoy are the things that I did keep separate
Anything to do with water
Gym

Basically we only had each other. But it's more like I only had her. And just like that I was left with nothing
It's quite a struggle to rebuild after what you had is no longer 'fun'
The friends bit is going to be hardest - of I'm honest. I haven't had physical friends for 2+ years because when I was with her I didn't need friends

 

[Steampunk]

Basically we only had each other. But it's more like I only had her. And just like that I was left with nothing
It's quite a struggle to rebuild after what you had is no longer 'fun'
The friends bit is going to be hardest - of I'm honest. I haven't had physical friends for 2+ years because when I was with her I didn't need friends

Unfortunately, that is a risk when you wrap your life around one person. Women often do better out of break-ups because they have friends, mums, sisters, etc that they can commiserate with, and have them say how better off they are now and they never liked you anyway.

A man's wife tends to be his emotional support, whereas with a woman it tends to be her friends/family. This is because most men do not do "emotional" and often don't understand what they are feeling, let alone how to express it. So when a couple breaks up, a woman still has her emotional support framework, and a man loses all of his. Even if you go down the pub with your mates, you're not going to talk the feelings though, because men just don't do that. They don't give each other a hug, have a good cry on each other's shoulders and move on like women do.

 

[413x]

Unfortunately, that is a risk when you wrap your life around one person. Women often do better out of break-ups because they have friends, mums, sisters, etc that they can commiserate with, and have them say how better off they are now and they never liked you anyway.

A man's wife tends to be his emotional support, whereas with a woman it tends to be her friends/family. This is because most men do not do "emotional" and often don't understand what they are feeling, let alone how to express it. So when a couple breaks up, a woman still has her emotional support framework, and a man loses all of his. Even if you go down the pub with your mates, you're not going to talk the feelings though, because men just don't do that. They don't give each other a hug, have a good cry on each other's shoulders and move on like women do.

That kind of inadvertently shows how dead her feelings were to me at the end, there was no emotions from her at all.

She needed none of that. And I needed it all. I guess she had it from the new guy.
Never have I been so grateful to have such an amazing family
I barely think she spoke to hers such was the level she hated me at the end
I was quite sad (not In the loss way, but sad looking at the relationship) to find she thought I was horrible person for probably years. Even though she said yes to getting engaged
It was only when she had a new bf lined up she acted on this

I found on a social media platform. She publically said I was horrible :-/. That hurt at the time. I really tried at the end. I didn't mind she was happy with her new bf.

It's sad in that I lost so much time. Last thing I said to her was that I wish she hadn't waited for something better to come along.
I didn't lose the relationship then, it had been dead for ages, but I was in denial

I have no hate of the guy what so ever. Just wish he had come along sooner.
She didn't leave until there was a safety net.

I suppose much before this point she would have had to have moved home.
I think this guy + her latest job allowed her to leave me without making it difficult fit her
Ask she was worried about at the end was money.

Just a shame I'm 30 and single as opposed to 26 and single.
The anti depressants, gym, counseling, family, and nice things people have said on here have all been important in me getting to the point of accepting this.
I regret having my time wasted but not bitter or upset now.
Lots of lessons learnt

Don't make your life your relationship - every hobby and social interaction tied
Never undervalue your family - feeling guilty fit seeing family to stay with partner
Get help when you need it - depression, I expect not getting help with this made me not as enthusiastic as I could be.. But she was less so than me in any case about doing things
Realise anything can end at any point instantly
Look at the signs, don't hide from them or ignore them

The whole relationship has made me a better person. Mistakes I made, lack of drive I had, complacency I'm all aware of.

Miss my dog something rotten though

 

[TheMeekon]

Not read this for a while, its great to see you are doing better Al4x

And being 30 and single is not a bad thing at all. I always found ladies prefer the slightly older man so you are in a good age group

 

[413x]

Not read this for a while, its great to see you are doing better Al4x

And being 30 and single is not a bad thing at all. I always found ladies prefer the slightly older man so you are in a good age group

For sure being 30 and a guy is better than being 30 and a girl. Fortunately I look younger than my age. Although I think the whole sorry affair has aged me!