The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

pickle1972 · 3 Oct 2015 at 08:15

dave1983 said:
well she wrote a letter expressing her feelings there were some things on there she never spoke to me about, mostly relating to the christening.

apparently not saying thank you to her parents who made some of the food, bearing in mind there was over 30+ guests at our house, and she stated how i have no respect for her parents. The matter of fact is i said thank to everyone.

Some of it did relate to me doing not enough with the baby, i work 9-5, i help with the children put them to bed, get up "well as most as i can with the baby", i dont complain i just do it.

When i went out she started crying cause she thought i was going for a "date" when in actual fact i was seeing friends to which she told me previously to "socialise" i just dont get it.

Your going to have to be patient

it really does sound like pnd.
Could be a difficult job getting her to see it though.
Sounds like the common signs are there.
Your communication skills are going to be a big part of getting her back on track.
It can be exhausting living with someone who has pnd and just as exhausting for the woman.
Read up on it together and get a good understanding of it. She will really appreciate that. It will help.
You will get through it.

dave1983 · 3 Oct 2015 at 16:57

I'm guessing you've been through this before? How did you cope ?? Jusr clearing out saw some old photos damn does it hurt and going parents is going to suck big style.

pickle1972 · 3 Oct 2015 at 18:33

Lol I didn't have time to go through it! I was that busy I didn't have chance to think, never mind dwell. I did hit a brick wall once my daughter got to 6 yrs old though, so yes I unfortunately know far more about it than Id normally care to admit to. I did a lot of research simply because I refused to be beat. I'm a competitive stubborn character and quite frankly I wanted my life back without the help of doctors and pills hence reading a lorry load of books on it. It really is an exhausting complex subject though so without anyone knowing her or you or your particular circumstances it is near on impossible to give advice which fits your own personal situation. It is a very personal illness and every person is different. Also your in danger of getting into cliches being fired at you if people don't know you which is no good for you. Its too generalised that way.
You need to both be on the same page for starters. Women can be in denial for years over pnd. But yes the signs are definitely there with her.
What you yourself need to do is stay calm and do your homework. There is absolutely no time for game playing or blame or misunderstanding or either one passing the ball etc. Non whatsoever. Its all about seeking the right help, communicating, trust, looking at the future and shed loads of teamwork. One day at a time both listening to each other and being there for each other. A good partnership will get you through it and you'll come out the other end stronger for it.
Be careful about who is around you as well. Get rid of dead wood. The family need to be supportive and wanting the best for you. Get shot of all negative meddlers for a while. The less people involved the better. Its about you two and your kids, your family unit.
I could go on all night :rolleyes:

but I won't

Gawd I'm totally drained now

time for a refill

needed a glass of prosecco for that post

pickle1972 · 3 Oct 2015 at 18:54

I gotta laugh. Thanks to you and my last post I'm now gonna have all the men on the dating thread shouting "Yep, see, told you, shes a mentalist, just an old one, and i reckon she's an alchi too :eek:

Ahhhh whatever

I've got my cat.
Cainer had already blown me out anyhow :rolleyes:

Why he chose a burger over steak is anyone's guess!

.Lethal · 4 Oct 2015 at 15:25

dave1983 said:
well she wrote a letter expressing her feelings there were some things on there she never spoke to me about, mostly relating to the christening.

apparently not saying thank you to her parents who made some of the food, bearing in mind there was over 30+ guests at our house, and she stated how i have no respect for her parents. The matter of fact is i said thank to everyone.

Some of it did relate to me doing not enough with the baby, i work 9-5, i help with the children put them to bed, get up "well as most as i can with the baby", i dont complain i just do it.

When i went out she started crying cause she thought i was going for a "date" when in actual fact i was seeing friends to which she told me previously to "socialise" i just dont get it.

The comment about not thanking parents has nothing to do with your situation now, shes nit picking on something that hasn't lead to where things are now, seems even when writing she can hardly stick to the subject of whats going on now.

I get why some have suggested PND and it may be that but you can't base other peoples opinions and assume its that, if you can bring it up or talk to her family about it and tell them you're concerned if you want to work through it and have her seek professional help.

Personally I feel if shes gone this far then she's made her mind up, the hypocritical comments shes made are her going through the motions but the end result is likely the same.

You have my sympathy's though, I hope things work out for you.

pickle1972 said:
I gotta laugh. Thanks to you and my last post I'm now gonna have all the men on the dating thread shouting "Yep, see, told you, shes a mentalist, just an old one, and i reckon she's an alchi too
Ahhhh whatever I've got my cat.
Cainer had already blown me out anyhow Why he chose a burger over steak is anyone's guess!

You're crazy

pickle1972 · 4 Oct 2015 at 15:53

.Lethal said:
The comment about not thanking parents has nothing to do with your situation now, shes nit picking on something that hasn't lead to where things are now, seems even when writing she can hardly stick to the subject of whats going on now.

I get why some have suggested PND and it may be that but you can't base other peoples opinions and assume its that, if you can bring it up or talk to her family about it and tell them you're concerned if you want to work through it and have her seek professional help.

Personally I feel if shes gone this far then she's made her mind up, the hypocritical comments shes made are her going through the motions but the end result is likely the same.

You have my sympathy's though, I hope things work out for you.

You're crazy

She wouldn't bother writing letters to him and be crying at the thought of him going on a date if shed made her mind up :confused:

And not anymore

I've had my moments in the past though :rolleyes:

.Lethal · 4 Oct 2015 at 15:56

pickle1972 said:
She wouldn't bother writing letters to him and be crying at the thought of him going on a date if shed made her mind up

The point I was trying to make is that what we post is based on our own experiences, it doesn't mean it's how it is for others when we can relate to certain parts of it.

For example, having gone through similar experiences a few years ago, PND was never apart of it.

dave1983 · 4 Oct 2015 at 16:19

.Lethal said:
The point I was trying to make is that what we post is based on our own experiences, it doesn't mean it's how it is for others when we can relate to certain parts of it.

For example, having gone through similar experiences a few years ago, PND was never apart of it.

The strange thing she's been very close and playful like subtle hints. We had a chat about the future and what we could do better last night she even asked if I could change my status from single so I wouldn't get attention from girls

.Lethal · 4 Oct 2015 at 16:33

dave1983 said:
The strange thing she's been very close and playful like subtle hints. We had a chat about the future and what we could do better last night she even asked if I could change my status from single so I wouldn't get attention from girls

I feel she's in no position to ask such a thing, while she can certainly ask I feel there is much more important things to talk about regarding the two of you than the small things that seem more pressing to her. I certainly wouldn't suggest arguing over such trivial things, but reminding her that she was the one that got things where they are now and that if she want's the small things changed the big things need to change first.

You could always try suggesting that you're willing to be amicable (regarding the single thing) if she is willing to reciprocate herself which also includes talking and maybe seeing her GP / marriage Councillor.

But really go with what you feel is right, just take all the advice and opinions here with a pinch of salt, their mostly to relate and maybe give some perspective from our own experiences. I think most of the advice in this thread is fantastic. For all we know she could be doing this to force a positive reaction from you, maybe she thinks you don't love her as much as you use too, maybe it is PND, maybe she feels you don't value her opinions and all this is one big thing for you to show her otherwise, it could be absolutely anything and until these talks happen things aren't going to improve.

Goodluck whatever you decide to do, the only thing I can say is how much I can understand with this being such an awful time for you right now, and her for that matter.

mattyprice4004 · 4 Oct 2015 at 17:56

Today my ex moved out, now have a rather large bungalow with big garden to myself.
OcUK Northern BBQ anyone?

Fuzz · 4 Oct 2015 at 17:58

DO IT...
I have some business questions to ask you anyway

Oh and congrats on the Man pad expansion

mattyprice4004 · 4 Oct 2015 at 18:05

Thank you, I'll defrost the burgers...

413x · 5 Oct 2015 at 01:48

@Dave
At the end of mine I suggested a relationship counselling to see if it would help. She said ok, and a week later we split. Don't really know why she strung it out so long when she was wanting someone else. Just my personal experience. Mine also said there was nothing going on with her friend. I don't think they're physically was. But obviously the desire was.

Anyway.. I'm thinking in seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
My weekends (the worst time) ate actually now the best time

I have 3-4 activities each week am with different people
My geeky club on Saturday night
Rowing club Saturday morning
My brutal gym class on Sunday morning
And Sunday afternoon lazing!

I'm doing more than I have done in years actually.
I added a new recent pic to my pof profile. It's a bit gym cringy but getting more matches (yes it is clothed!)
Damn it really is visual as I physically look so much better due to work at the gym.
I've put on over a stone since I lost just under a stone in my break up aftermath.
But managed to keep my slimmer waist

13 stone 5, 34 in waist at the end of relationship
Down to 12 stone 6 and 32 in after not eating for a week and not much for a whole month
Now 13 stone 11 and 32 waist.
Makes me feel more confident, even flirted with the checkout girl today, wasn't quite brave enough to ask for her number.. But I thought about it!

Why do I think I've progressed? I'm turning people down on pof who are quite attractive etc just add I'm starting to think maybe I actually don't want to be in a relationship at the moment.

There is this girl at one of the clubs I really have a thing for.. And it's a spark I feel. Not sure what she thinks of anything.. I'm terrible at signals!

Stolly · 5 Oct 2015 at 15:18

Steampunk said:
So she wants you to be understanding and supportive, while she's being the exact opposite. Is that they way you want your future to go? There's reasons why you're holding back from letting this woman move in with you, and why you're saying that you're worried that you'll have no escape from her if she's there all the time. You need to think hard about why that is.

It's easy to have a part time relationship where you only see each other once or twice a week, you make it a special occasion and have a good time. What's harder is when you are sharing the everyday grind of getting on with life together, and doing all the boring mundane stuff that needs to get done. If she's like this and you're still in the honeymoon period and not having the stresses of making room in your life for this woman...

It seems to me that she's making allowance for everyone but you, and she's (at the very least) taking you for granted. She's not even making the slightest effort to see things from your point of view, and in fact she's gone out of her way to have an argument by blowing up something quite innocuous. If it's just life getting on top of her, then why is she taking it out on you? Why, when her schedule had to change, was it you that got it in the neck, not her ex and not her massage?

No serious relationship material would say you should be glad to be taking them out. They would say how much they wanted to see you, how if they couldn't make it, they would miss you. Not that you should be grateful and you've got nothing better to do.

We split up a month or two ago....i'm having a really bad day today of missing her...i've read this and i have to say i'm not feeling so bad !

It was such a toxic situation. I know i'm hard sometimes to be around, and not good at communication often, but good lord she was a nightmare. I was accused of having an eating disorder, of clinging to her mates because i had none of my own, of having bad parenting skills to my kids, the list goes on and on.

Its going to take me a long time to get over this, in fact i think i'm a little traumatized.

dave1983 · 5 Oct 2015 at 16:12

Well I have been making changes to my self since our seperation, helping out a lot more but doing it for myself and not for her approval, but I still find that she's spends pretty much every waking minute on her phone its like an addiction to the dredded FB. This was half the issue because we never communicating

Steampunk · 5 Oct 2015 at 16:12

Stolly said:
Its going to take me a long time to get over this, in fact i think i'm a little traumatized.

We read a lot about women that stay with men who emotionally and physically abuse them, but very little about men who get the same. Fifty percent of physical abuse is by the woman against the man. Women can just as easily verbally and emotionally abuse a man, and can grind him down with criticism until he feels a miserable failure. It's a form of control and abuse, and the man is supposed to take it without complaint, and with little place to go for support or recourse.

By getting out of a toxic relationship, you will get better and recover just by concentrating on yourself and living a full life that doesn't involve a bad and abusive partner. As you can see from this and other threads, getting out is the first important thing. Then you can see the way forwards and get your own life back, and become the person you want to be, not the person your toxic partner ground you down to. There really is light at the end of the tunnel once you get some time to heal and distance to get some perspective.

dave1983 · 5 Oct 2015 at 16:29

Actually that puts a lot of perspective on our marriage unfortunately I was one who receives the emotional abuse it got to a point she was showing me up with in front of her friends. The constant criticism even if I did do enough, her mother would always get involved in our marriage. My ex wife would always play the guilt/victim card and use sex as a weapon.

pickle1972 · 5 Oct 2015 at 16:33

Steampunk said:
We read a lot about women that stay with men who emotionally and physically abuse them, but very little about men who get the same. Fifty percent of physical abuse is by the woman against the man. Women can just as easily verbally and emotionally abuse a man, and can grind him down with criticism until he feels a miserable failure. It's a form of control and abuse, and the man is supposed to take it without complaint, and with little place to go for support or recourse.

By getting out of a toxic relationship, you will get better and recover just by concentrating on yourself and living a full life that doesn't involve a bad and abusive partner. As you can see from this and other threads, getting out is the first important thing. Then you can see the way forwards and get your own life back, and become the person you want to be, not the person your toxic partner ground you down to. There really is light at the end of the tunnel once you get some time to heal and distance to get some perspective.

Yeah there was a case about that on loose women today. Poor bloke was 28 and had done five years in the army 6ft tall and his gf kept attacking him! He said he's never felt more powerless. Some women can be really evil and they are blooming dangerous!!! They go hysterical and lose control, makes no odd if they are not as strong or smaller they are lethal!
The first time someone goes like that you get the hell out

man or woman.

Stolly · 5 Oct 2015 at 16:43

Steampunk said:
We read a lot about women that stay with men who emotionally and physically abuse them, but very little about men who get the same. Fifty percent of physical abuse is by the woman against the man. Women can just as easily verbally and emotionally abuse a man, and can grind him down with criticism until he feels a miserable failure. It's a form of control and abuse, and the man is supposed to take it without complaint, and with little place to go for support or recourse.

By getting out of a toxic relationship, you will get better and recover just by concentrating on yourself and living a full life that doesn't involve a bad and abusive partner. As you can see from this and other threads, getting out is the first important thing. Then you can see the way forwards and get your own life back, and become the person you want to be, not the person your toxic partner ground you down to. There really is light at the end of the tunnel once you get some time to heal and distance to get some perspective.

Last time we talked, and i told her how hard it was dealing with her, she said "its all about my feelings not yours, and its not selfish to say that"...i replied, "well, it is a little bit" ...admirable self control i think.

She didn't reply to that....moved on to complain about something else i'd done or not done. Its very hard though....in public she is a very attractive, outgoing person to be around....its just in private she's an entirely different person. I'm missing the public her. A lot.

413x · 5 Oct 2015 at 16:44

It's only now I'm feeling what others have been telling me. About this toxic relationship thing.
I still think it was a lot of my fault etc. But she shouldn't have waited until she was happy and dragged me down. It's not her fault, she's not a terrible person, we just weren't a good match.

And with so much of my life combined with this person I did loose everything I had. I thought I would never find better, thought the darkest of dark thoughts. A lot of people said I need to rediscover myself.
But I never really had an identity. So it was actually discovering myself. It's only very very recently I'm seeing this.
I wasn't actually controlled per say, but I felt controlled. That I was always trying to make things right, (in my head I was) and eventually I think I just gave up and both our lives became boring. My mission became to keep us together. Keep something together that wasn't to be.

I never would have broken it off if she didn't, I loved her to bits. Genuinely the only person I loved. But it wasn't enough.
I don't want to trivialize abuse. It was my fault for not being brave enough to get out.
If the other guy hadn't come along Wed still be together now. I've never hated him for that reason.
And knowing that she actually hated me (horrible was one word I found describing me) hurt. Why would you stay with someone you thought was horrible?

There was no telling me. Enough people here know that. And even in hindsight, there was no way too. No one could tell me. It's going to be better ahead. I still think if I had given up completely in the aftermath I would have been in a really bad place still.

It's only by putting myself out and not quite giving up on myself I finally feel a bit different about my social situation.

To the above post
I found my ex incredibly attractive. And as shallow as that is, I missed that. That tall slim fun cuddly girl. But indoors we just didn't work.
She probably is happier with someone else. But it doesn't matter so much to me now.
I'm seeing people differently. There's one girl who I know now who is much more 'me' and probably not quite so physically attractive. (although I have the major spark for her). And even if nothing comes, just seeing that is a good sign.

I still do think.. What if, what have I lost.. But it's less and less now.. Think that's only come by actually seeing there is more out there.. Being told didn't work