hah i got that too. That she hated me. After all the stuff i've put up with from her. The rages, the insults...she hates me. Jesus.
The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread
- Thread starter mattyprice4004
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hah i got that too. That she hated me. After all the stuff i've put up with from her. The rages, the insults...she hates me. Jesus.
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Even if it is pnd that doesn't excuse cruelty. Sounds toxic. I would never in a million years have bad mouthed my ex in front of friends and family. I still don't. Hence why we are still good friends. He was a good man who worked hard and did his best. We look back and have a laugh now. Its a shame what some people go through. I consider myself lucky.
Alone but lucky
For me I just wished/wish she left when she thought I was horrible. I think even when she accepted my proposal she didn't like me. Which is really sad as I was so happy that day.
I don't blame her for not liking me. Just that she waited until she was 'secure' and then left with no emotions to me.
All she was worried about was not having somewhere to live as her new bf (friend at the time but I knew) couldn't put her up
The last few weeks she was completely clinical to me. Literally didn't care about me at all. Wanted the deposit split because she cleaned the house, despite me originally paying for it all. I saw a side I don't even think she had. She gave in eventually. It was the principle for me. I didn't want to fund her new life.
I'll never be friends with her, nor do I want to see her again. Too much for me.
I'm convinced if it wasn't for him I could be in this situation at 35. Shame he didn't come along 3 years ago before I proposed
She's not a bad person, and I hope she's happy. I do worry I'll never let myself really care about someone again. Like never truly believe something is forever. As vulnerable as it left me. It was a nice feeling.
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That's public person is not real. That's just a mask she wears so that people think well of her. When it comes to the important people, those she lives with, the true person comes out, and she's not very nice.
People are all about perception. If I'm nice to you, then I'm a nice guy. If I'm horrible to your friend, then to your friend, I'm a horrible person. How you are to different people is a different thing for all those people, depending how they see you.
You're holding onto the feelings and the fantasy of the public face that is just a fake persona she pretended to be. You're romanticising the idealised version of your ex that was nothing more than a mask she wore to face the world, not the real person she was inside that you got to see in private.
That's how a lot of people are. That's why people stay in relationships that they shouldn't, because they remember what the other person was like in the beginning when they really only saw the public mask, and they hope to get that idealised fantasy that never really existed except as a perception that turned out not to be true.
The strange thing is that she has a close circle of friends, some of which she's known since she was a small child....she was never, as far as i know, like this with them. It was just reserved for me. She blamed some of her behavior on being stressed, i felt she was having a nervous breakdown. Panic attacks chosing what to wear, breaking down in tears, being generally very up and down. She never mentioned any of this to other people, but from my perspective used me as an emotional punchbag. Its left me feeling very down. I'm dating again, but its a bit half hearted....i'm not sure if i can let another person close to me for a while.
I put myself out there particular after it being confirmed that she was with new friend.
But it was for the wrong reasons. I think I was almost competing
I haven't been actively messaging anyone of late, but updated one photo.
One girl in particular messaged me, and she seems really keen.
She's definitely attractive, seems fun, decent job.. But I questioning if I really should even bother now.
Like you I was doing it half hearted, now I'm thinking more objectively I think I shouldn't force it at all.
This is very apparent in that the person I like the most is because I know them in real life. I didn't look for them, or base it on criteria like online dating.
It's so cliché, but I was rebounding. Didn't feel. Like it. But now it does.
I think I need to let that that special someone come.. Rather than try for just someone.
I'll probably go on this date. If it goes well and I don't want anything.. I'll deal with it then.
But part of me thinks I shouldn't even bother if I'm like this already
I would definitely be regretting being in a relationship with any of the dates I've had up till now.. At the time I would have been over the moon.. Definition of rebounds? I think so
But it was for the wrong reasons. I think I was almost competing
I haven't been actively messaging anyone of late, but updated one photo.
One girl in particular messaged me, and she seems really keen.
She's definitely attractive, seems fun, decent job.. But I questioning if I really should even bother now.
Like you I was doing it half hearted, now I'm thinking more objectively I think I shouldn't force it at all.
This is very apparent in that the person I like the most is because I know them in real life. I didn't look for them, or base it on criteria like online dating.
It's so cliché, but I was rebounding. Didn't feel. Like it. But now it does.
I think I need to let that that special someone come.. Rather than try for just someone.
I'll probably go on this date. If it goes well and I don't want anything.. I'll deal with it then.
But part of me thinks I shouldn't even bother if I'm like this already
I would definitely be regretting being in a relationship with any of the dates I've had up till now.. At the time I would have been over the moon.. Definition of rebounds? I think so
Hmmm yeah you have a valid point there...i did have a date a week or two ago, glad that didn't go anywhere....have one maybe this Thursday...if i was in a better state of mind she'd be right for me, similar interests etc ...but i'm a bit meh about it.
I was looking when my confidence was rock bottom. I would have taken and gone with someone good enough. Not a good thing in the long run.
With confidence improving I'm getting more particular.
I expect if I was doing the matching game I'd select far fewer than a few weeks ago.
I now kind of don't want to do that now until I'm fully happy with myself. As I'm still 'settling' rather than feeling.
Again, people have said this, but I didn't see it
Who she was to them is immaterial. What is important is who she was to you. That is all you have to judge by. That is the person she was for you. She could hide that from her friends, in fact she probably felt compelled to in order to fit in with the group, but for you she was an abusive, domineering, unsupportive, manipulative woman.
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There are some lessons you can't be told about, you have to live through them in order to actually have that knowledge inside you in a way that you understand and believe.
If you look back, people here were trying to plant a seed of doubt in your mind that when you said your life was over, that maybe you were wrong. And you were.
When you are stuck in that kind of horrible situation you can't see a way out, can't get yourself out of a spiral of thoughts that trap you there. You're trying to fix what you have, not looking for a way out. It's easier for those of us that are looking the situation from the outside, and not emotionally trapped with all the baggage of old feelings.
It's easy to see when you have some perspective that you were stuck, that your ex didn't actually love you, she was lying, manipulative and unfaithful. She even went as far as demonizing you to excuse her own behaviour. You will eventually see that you can put all of that onto her where it belongs, that it wasn't just you, she had (more than) her fair share of responsibility in the breakdown of your relationship.
Given enough time, you will see that this has ended up being better for you in the long run, and like others that have posted here, you have taken the first steps to a happier life.
Going out and meeting new people is part of the healing process. It's part of getting your life back together. It shows there is potential and a life you can make into what you want it to be. That your ex is not the whole of your world. You don't have to put pressure on yourself, you're just going out for a drink and meeting someone. It might be nothing more than a nice evening out, and that's enough to show you that such a thing is easily possible for you. It doesn't have to mean anything if she's not the new love of your life. Just take it as it goes, because it's more important to be moving forwards with yourself than anything else.
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It's really hard to see this.
I saw what could have been, what if, etc. But with me she was how she was. And nothing was going to change that. You don't see it at the time.
^^
is so true, i think the difficult part for me know is whether she ever loved me or still does for that matter, i also fear how her mother said to her "loose all ties with him and move on" will play a big part of the reconciliation. my Ex wife will be moving back home with her mother and she's always seeking her approval. Last time we broke up she wanted me to write an apology letter to her mother and im not kidding. my ex even said that seeing the kids will help with her parents that im making an effort.
She was in pain today after having her tooth taken out, i offered a cuddle she turned me down, but then last night she had her legs over me and i was rubbing her feet keeping them warm, she's been quite flirtatious but i just dont get what she wants from me.
is so true, i think the difficult part for me know is whether she ever loved me or still does for that matter, i also fear how her mother said to her "loose all ties with him and move on" will play a big part of the reconciliation. my Ex wife will be moving back home with her mother and she's always seeking her approval. Last time we broke up she wanted me to write an apology letter to her mother and im not kidding. my ex even said that seeing the kids will help with her parents that im making an effort.
She was in pain today after having her tooth taken out, i offered a cuddle she turned me down, but then last night she had her legs over me and i was rubbing her feet keeping them warm, she's been quite flirtatious but i just dont get what she wants from me.
I do just want to say my ex was faithful (I'm pretty sure) physically, and I don't blame her for wanting someone else. It's the staying with me I didn't like.
Yes she left me for someone else emotionally at the end. But she left me probably a long time ago.
I do think I could easily still be in that place too. It's so superficial but being physically better in appearance, and having girls confirm that is a confidence boost. It shouldn't be something so trivial, but it is.
I do enjoy it, and there aren't really any down sides, I'm glad I turned to the gym as opposed to the bottle. (lucky I don't like alcohol really!)
I was very very close to asking for the checkout girls number on Monday. I would never ever have done that at any point in my past. Unfortunately I'm one of those that have that innate confidence
But it's coming. I can join a group now and just start interacting, don't feel awkward on dates. Even bad ones.
I should write about all this one day. There's sure enough material in this thread!
That's my point, you only see the person the way they present themselves to you. There is no person that is this or that, only what she is in your head.
You never knew the real her. You only knew the fake version that fooled you and took advantage of you. Did you ever think she was the sort of person who could do the things she did to you? Yet she was, so you never really knew who she was because she kept that hidden until you were of no more use to her.
It was different for me at the very end of mine but similar. No care for me. But she didn't want anything back. For me it was things like not having the 'my' room tidy. Or not doing the washing. Or when she got stropy with me when she washed my suit trousers. Even though I didn't put them in the basket. I didn't get angry. But she did. It was little things like this that wore me down. I see them now as because she didn't really want to be with me everything was something to get at me about.
It's silly, but a stand out was when she was dusting and smashed my 3d glasses. I think I said in a dismissed voice, be more careful next time. But she got cross.
Now I see why, and wonder why she stayed, in truth she probably didn't know it, until she saw greener grass. At least I hope she wasn't consciously using me.
No you're right.
The real her with me wasnt who I want to be with. Nor do I think she wanted to be that person. In truth we should have broken up in year 1 of six when I wanted out. Then she wanted out. Maybe it never recovered. Which is sad. It's amazing how much more objectively I can look at it add my emotions become detached.
No that's Stelly I think lol
Well, in the same vein, there are support agencies in place for you.