The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

From the last couple of accounts, Asian girls sound like far too much effort. No thanks Jeff. On top of having to deal with a racist and ignorant family to? Nope.
 
RoboCod said:
From the last couple of accounts, Asian girls sound like far too much effort. No thanks Jeff. On top of having to deal with a racist and ignorant family to? Nope.
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Asian girls are great and loyal to their partners but if you don't match then yes its a lot to put up with when you can get less hassle elsewhere dating other women.

Being a black guy dating a Asian girl was so much hassle I wouldn't go there again. Too much secrecy I couldn't get use to it but to many it seemed normal in their culture.
 
Well I'm definitely in a very 'flat' place now. I can't seem to fight off the 'nothing matters' logic in my head
Counselling doesn't help and the tablets can't change a mindset

Is really bad. I've realised deep down that almost everything I do is to get a relationship in the future.. But I don't think I care or want for that. This is tough realisation.. Everything you are doing is for something you don't want!
Gym - to look better and build confidence
Join groups - I asked myself if I'd go if there were no girls.. Probably not

I

I've never been one to live for work, work facilitated keeping my ex happy. And buying stuff I think I wanted.
Well putting a roof over our heads

Is a very strange place to be.. It feels like existence only.
The only things I actually find peace with are rowing (I have an objective) but as soon as I'm finished.. Back to normal
I'm trying to set myself an objective of 'get to Australia and live' but I don't know if I want it

I'm am pleased for my ex. I'm genuinely happy she got away from me.
I haven't looked at her fb or anything for month or so, but I hope she's happy.

Sometimes it works in my favour.. The 'it doesn't matter' thought.. But not in the grand scheme.

It's kind of scary for my future.
And the worst bit is it all makes sense
I know some people never get fixed.

These are all things I've not really thought about properly like this I guess. It's quite 'interesting'
 
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Stolly said:
Yeah get the ex off facebook and block her. You don't need to be seeing her.
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I mean she is deleted and I haven't even searched for her. She blocked me ages ago. I'm over her. It's finding myself I'm concerned about. Specifically my lack of want /drive/hope
When I meant I haven't looked in a month.. I mean I haven't looked at her fb pic.

I thought I was doing ok, but really I was just distracting myself. Much colder person now. You know.. To protect myself
 
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I'm now single al4x said:
I mean she is deleted and I haven't even searched for her. She blocked me ages ago. I'm over her. It's finding myself I'm concerned about. Specifically my lack of want /drive/hope
When I meant I haven't looked in a month.. I mean I haven't looked at her fb pic.

I thought I was doing ok, but really I was just distracting myself. Much colder person now. You know.. To protect myself
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Don't worry its a blip. Distraction is a big part of this and it takes a while to heal not only from a relationship but also from the mental trouble it has caused you. Everything changes and you never know what could happen.
 
Well what can I say, how good friends are, Not, someone I have been friends with for two years, is suddenly been down my throat, for the past day or so, as I have not rung them, this is mainly to me being tired and not well due to a chest infection, Woomph, two years just gone like that.

On the other hand, another of her friends did warn me a year or so ago, to stop being involved with her, I can now see why.
 
So I think I now have a FWB arrangement going on. Seems good. I think I've just become numb to the idea of a relationship and the hassle of trying to keep someone else happy after the past few disasters. All the girls I meet around my age have ticking body clocks and want marriage and/or babies and I'm just not up for that at all.
 
I have nothing too constructive to add, just that I'm doing a lot better after a few months.
Breaking up sucks, but time is the best healer - best of luck to all going through it.

Owning 3 British cars that like to break for fun takes your mind off it, too.
 
lafemmefatale said:
Weeeeeelllllllllll......

It all started with a weekend away to go see family, and ended up with hardly any family being seen at all. A few weeks ago I received a message from the ex saying that she had boxed all the stuff up that I'd left behind and could I make arrangements to go and pick it up at some point before Christmas as it was cluttering the place up. I mentioned I was driving to the general location on other business soon and I could, if she thought it was safe, jump off the motorway, load up the car and be on my merry way. It didn't exactly turn out like that.

When I got to hers it was like we'd never been apart, I had a cup of coffee and things got very cosy and comfortable very quickly. After a couple of hours I half-jokingly mentioned that she should ditch her weekend plans and come with me to the hotel. She went and packed a bag and off we went. That was the Friday evening/night. Saturday we went for a huge long walk in the countryside near the hotel, talked for hours about our history, us and the fact that despite our best appearances, neither of us had really moved on from each other. That evening we went out to the cinema, then for a meal and back to the hotel, which is where things got messy. The hotel was a 16th century mansion house that was also a wedding venue, and the reception party was in full swing when we returned. As we were going into the hotel a few couples were sat in the lobby who we got chatting to, and they invited us to join the party. So we did, and a few hours later we were being extremely sociable with a bunch of people we didn't know, drinking champagne and dancing the night away. I don't really need to go into any more detail about what else happened that night.

Next morning we were invited into the bridal suite for breakfast and ended up spilling our story to the bride and groom, and when the guy said that it was almost like we got married yesterday too, there was a not-so-awkward silence but that set the tone for the rest of the day. Sunday was spent driving around talking, then I stopped at hers on Sunday night and had to travel back home on Monday morning. Leaving her again was heartbreaking, and we've been in contact every single day since then. So now we're 300 miles apart and apparently back on again, albeit from a distance.
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So you're back where you were when you first came to these hallowed shores. You had an intense, emotional weekend, but what has changed? Have you changed, has you ex-ex changed, has the situation changed? Did you forgive her for betraying and abandoning you a few months back? Is she going to abandon her family for you? Do you trust her not to cheat on you because you're far away and she's lonely without someone there for her?

I think it's possible for people to bring back relationships, even to step away from the brink of break-up and come back even stronger. All it takes it to be able to deal with emotional baggage in such a way that it doesn't pull you down. You have to pare away the bad things, leave some stuff in the past, and build what is left even better. It takes a force of will and a knowledge of self that when you're awake in the dark six months from now, you'll be thinking of the good things this person brought you, not the bad. Or at the very least, the bad things just won't matter.

But... you have to get there first. At some point you have to draw a line, and tell the other person that they have to do their part. They have to come and be with you, they have to commit to starting a future together, for however long that lasts. They have to at least have the willingness and bravery to make the attempt with you. You can't force them into it, they have to do it themselves. Think of it as a proof of commitment. How are you going to get from where you are now to the point where you want to be?

Please look out for yourself this time. I know you are all giddy and excited, but sometimes people let you down, despite themselves. They just don't have the emotional maturity to follow through. They take the easy way out, because the other ways are just too hard for them. They live their lives crashing though other people because they don't really understand what they do to them, or because others just don't matter as much as they do to themselves.

Stand your ground this time, make her do what she promises, force her to make a choice and a commitment one way or another. You need to move forwards either with her or without her, but don't get stuck in the past, in the limbo of waiting for someone to make up their minds when all they want is the fun and games, but none of the serious life-choices that come with really being with someone for a future together.

And finally... good luck. I hope you can work it out, I hope you can do it together, I hope she can make her choices and follow them through because you really are that important to her. I hope you realise now that you're strong enough to get through whatever happens, because you've already proved you can do it.
 
Steampunk said:
...True stuff...
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I pretty much guessed what you would have to say about this. :p

And even though I know you're right, and I'm again standing on the edge of a precarious and unstable cliff, I just can't help myself. I suppose what I should be asking myself here is am I liking the idea of what could be more than that the reality of what could be? The honest answer to that is I don't know. Yes we had a complicated, whirlwind thing that left a trail of destruction behind, there's no amount of words can mask that reality. Have either of us truly moved on from where we left off? Definitely not. We've both tried, and failed hard at putting emotional distance between each other and found ourselves drawn inexorably back together, regardless of physical distance.

Speaking of which, we both find the physical distance difficult to deal with. Both her and I suffer from perceived abandonment issues, which in a way negates the distance, yet perpetuates it at the same time. It seems that being together despite the distance is better than not being together and being so far apart. I appreciate there's a very janky logic there but that's just the kind of people we are. We both genuinely believe we were meant to be together and while this current situation isn't ideal, it's a much more palatable situation than the notion of us not being together at all.

During the weekend we had recently, we talked an awful lot in between the inevitable maelstrom of emotions and physicality that was bound to happen. She set out her reasoning for not being able to immediately up and leave and I understand that. Right now it's not ideal for that to happen, and all I have left in this regard is trust in her that eventually the time will be right and things will click into place. If this is a misplaced trust, then I'm again setting myself up for a huge fall and a chorus of 'we told you so' from the few people I talk to about this. Ask me do I believe that we can be together properly and that we can plough through this current not-so-ideal relationship status? Yes I do believe. And that is all I have left to go on right now. :)

On another note, thank you for taking the time to write these replies (and I'm sure I speak for others in this thread and the other one). Your understanding and perception of people's issues and somewhat skewed views of affairs of the heart are very much appreciated and as resident Agony Uncle Steampunk, this place would be a much duller place without you. :cool:
 
No particular point to this post, just more of my random musings.

I thought my breakup with my previous ex was bad, but this is on another level. It's been nearly 18 months since she moved out, 9 months since it ended again after we had started seeing each other again. I think about us, her and what not pretty much every day. I still find myself checking out her Facebook even though I have deleted her. I had no idea things would be like this so many months down the line. I'm actually at the point where I don't think I'm be ready to start another relationship with someone.

On a more positive note, I am really enjoying being single. More so than I thought I would. I can do what I want, when I want and I don't have to run it past anyone. I've become so much more independent because of the breakup. I actually do things around the house now, cook for myself etc etc. Things that she had always done for me and I was too lazy to do, but now I'm kind of used to it. That feeling of having to have a girlfriend has all but gone now. After seeing Becky for about 6 weeks it really hit home how much I just couldn't be bothered with seeing someone, because I felt that I had to give up my time in order to see her. I really hope that the next girl I start seeing is going to be one of them 'she's my best mate' type feelings, because I honestly don't think anything else will do.
 
Not much to update.

My ex wife told me last Wednesday that she wants to be "single" and was her plan to go out that Saturday fell through. I offered a meal next weekend which she accepted and excited. She said that when she saw me I looked quite fit and we've been regulary texting.

She did ask what my intention was for the meal, sounds like she's testing me who knows.

but I have been trying to communication on a much more emotional level and she's opened up a lot more with issues at her parents.

However I have been seeing someone else I.e. FWB after 2 weeks she said she had feelings for me, took me to oxford brought me a meal and spent the night in a hotel, we have quite a lot of things in common for example she loves star wars, walking dead. We have booked tickets in Southampton imax which she paid for.

The question is I believe that everyone deserves a second chance and don't want to blow a six year marriage, however I don't want to be plan B for my ex who has a tendancy to drag me along and keep me hanging because when she said she wanted to be single she was going to make her decision on Christmas Day.
 
dave1983 said:
Not much to update.

My ex wife told me last Wednesday that she wants to be "single" and was her plan to go out that Saturday fell through. I offered a meal next weekend which she accepted and excited. She said that when she saw me I looked quite fit and we've been regulary texting.

She did ask what my intention was for the meal, sounds like she's testing me who knows.

but I have been trying to communication on a much more emotional level and she's opened up a lot more with issues at her parents.

However I have been seeing someone else I.e. FWB after 2 weeks she said she had feelings for me, took me to oxford brought me a meal and spent the night in a hotel, we have quite a lot of things in common for example she loves star wars, walking dead. We have booked tickets in Southampton imax which she paid for.

The question is I believe that everyone deserves a second chance and don't want to blow a six year marriage, however I don't want to be plan B for my ex who has a tendancy to drag me along and keep me hanging because when she said she wanted to be single she was going to make her decision on Christmas Day.
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She wanted to be single so she could go out and pull another person. Her plan fell through, so yes. Sounds like she is using you as the Plan B, don't be a mug and fall for it. Your marriage is over and it looks like you have sort of moved on already.
 
malachi said:
She wanted to be single so she could go out and pull another person. Her plan fell through, so yes. Sounds like she is using you as the Plan B, don't be a mug and fall for it. Your marriage is over and it looks like you have sort of moved on already.
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That's what I felt like too, her wanting to be single before the weekend. She even asked me where the best place is to go clubbing, Why would you ask your ex this.

but why does she want to go out for a meal? it makes it even difficult when we have kids together. the question I ask myself is am I ready to move on yet, whilst the other women is lovely she has no job, and fallen in love with me over 2 weeks.

The other issue is that my ex said if she moves out there is a chance that things may work out. God damn hate these situations.
 
What I'm going to write is very easy for me to say but very hard for you to take on board. Just know that I'm speaking from experience.

Dave, this is a classic case of you ex wanting to have her cake and eat it too. She's not in love with you anymore she's proved that by ending things so she can go out and pull. Someone who loves you, even if there are serious issues in a relationship, would never do that. Especially if there are kids involved!

She thought she could go out, get smashed by some random bloke and satisfy what ever urge she had. That failed and so she's keeping you on the slow burn purely because she doesn't want to be alone. She's selfish, you've already said as much yourself.

As for the other girl if you don't feel you could love her then be decent enough to let her go but don't be a prat about it. If you feel that despite a few minor inconnveniences that you could have something real then go for it. Either way don't go back to the ex.

It's very commendable you'd want to salvage things for your kids, but trust me as someone who tried to make things work with someone who had no real interest in fixing things, you'll only end up making both yourself and your kids miserable.
 
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