The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[Nem]

Ok, so not posted in here before, so bear with me if you can.

Came out of an 8 year relationship in September, mutual thing we'd simply become just friends. A month later a friend of a friend messaged me asking if was interested in meeting one of her friends, was given her name and told to look at pics on FB, she'd seen mine and wanted to meet up. Thought it was a bit soon but decided to agree anyway. We chatted on FB for about a week all good and went out for a first date which was fine. Chatted another week or so and went out again which was also fine. Third date went to the cinema and when I dropped her home it seemed as though she couldn't get out the car fast enough.

Day later I got a message along the lines of I think you're a great person but she just wasn't sure if there was any 'spark' between us and didn't want to carry on seeing me without being honest about it. To me that basically said it was over and that was that.

Few weeks later I got speaking to the person who set us up and finally got out of her that this girl did like me to some degree but just didn't want to see me again without stating how she felt, not that she actually didn't want to see me again and I'd perhaps jumped to that decision. I still certainly liked her so started messaging her again and we agreed to pick up again and see where things might lead.

So we've been out a couple more times, and had a couple of evenings at her house just watching tv including NYE. We get on fine, have a good laugh together and everything seems great, but things haven't progressed beyond holding hands, cuddling up on the sofa and a good night kiss though. I'm not one to rush things I have to say so it's not really bothered me a great deal but I seem to get the fact that common convention might disagree here.

Anyway, I'd asked her out again this week and then got another message along the lines of before, so called her up to chat about it. She's basically confused by the fact she likes spending time with me and is more than happy to continue doing so but for some reason she's just not sure if there is any 'spark' still or if there ever will be anything more than friends and doesn't want to waste my time if I wanted to just walk away now. She said she's never felt like this about someone before but also never spent as much time with someone in a new relationship before without getting physical and isn't sure if there is something stopping her or what's actually going on.

So, head is saying if there isn't anything there by now then it's perhaps time to call it a day. Heart is saying if we're still having fun together generally then it can't hurt to just carry on and see what happens - although not for forever of course.

Any words of wisdom people? I seem to think the above about not trying to figure woman out is perhaps the best answer though.

Thanks.

 

[Nix]

As an objective party, I say you're best off pulling back on this one.

Best case: you pulling away causes her to feel the chase (read: spark) and things can progress.

Worst case (actually, an alternate best case): you two drift apart and you save yourself from a world of hurt.

The bottom line is, you don't know why she's feeling or behaving the way she is right now, but it's a huge red flag. You're best off letting this one go.

Also, just to point it out: you've been out of an eight-year relationship for only four months. Are you sure you're not rebounding? Is your heart actually in this? Maybe that's what she's picking up on?

Do you know her history? It almost sounds like she's just not into you but doesn't want to be alone and is enjoying the attention. This is also another huge red flag!

 

[Steampunk]

Any words of wisdom people? I seem to think the above about not trying to figure woman out is perhaps the best answer though.

Thanks.

She thinks/feels you've friendzoned her. Being a woman, she's never had that done to her, and cannot identify what it is. Have sex with her, see if she feels better about it.

She said she's never felt like this about someone before but also never spent as much time with someone in a new relationship before without getting physical and isn't sure if there is something stopping her or what's actually going on.

Take the lead dude! She's basically told you what she wants and that she wants you to step up to the situation. She may be talking about a "spark", but some relationships are slow burns that light the fire.

 

[Nem]

As an objective party, I say you're best off pulling back on this one.

Best case: you pulling away causes her to feel the chase (read: spark) and things can progress.

Worst case (actually, an alternate best case): you two drift apart and you save yourself from a world of hurt.

The bottom line is, you don't know why she's feeling or behaving the way she is right now, but it's a huge red flag. You're best off letting this one go.

Also, just to point it out: you've been out of an eight-year relationship for only four months. Are you sure you're not rebounding? Is your heart actually in this? Maybe that's what she's picking up on?

Do you know her history? It almost sounds like she's just not into you but doesn't want to be alone and is enjoying the attention. This is also another huge red flag!

Like I said, I think my head is already thinking most of that. 8 years together, but he second half really was more like friends and should have ended much sooner if we'd been a bit more honest. So I don't think me being ready or not is a problem.

 

[Nem]

She thinks/feels you've friendzoned her. Being a woman, she's never had that done to her, and cannot identify what it is. Have sex with her, see if she feels better about it.



Take the lead dude! She's basically told you what she wants.

LOL! and the opposite end of the scale.

 

[Nix]

Like I said, I think my head is already thinking most of that. 8 years together, but he second half really was more like friends and should have ended much sooner if we'd been a bit more honest. So I don't think me being ready or not is a problem.

Be honest: have you properly grieved the ending of the relationship? It's still something you'll have gone through, even it was whilst you were together.

Are you into this woman or are you just going along with it?

 

[Nem]

Be honest: have you properly grieved the ending of the relationship? It's still something you'll have gone through, even it was whilst you were together.

Are you into this woman or are you just going along with it?

First couple of weeks were hell as it was my ex who finally pulled the plug, but I was really surprised at how after that time it all made sense and really felt ok about it all. I say it was mutual now as after those first two weeks we had a good chat about it all and basically both walked away feeling the same after I'd processed it all.

And yes, I do really like this girl.

 

[Steampunk]

And yes, I do really like this girl.

I'm telling you, she's giving you the signals. She's given you plenty of chances to clear up the confusion she's feeling, and she's even come back to you a couple of times after you cooled things off. She's just as much asking you how you feel about her, as she can't understand why you haven't slept with her yet.

She wants you to prove you want her, as she's feeling kind of rejected and not desired as you haven't made a move. There's nothing like knowing someone really desires you to fire up that spark she's looking for, and nothing as good at damping down the passions when you think someone's just not that into you.

Go boink her, come back and tell me I was right. If it all goes horribly wrong, at least you both got laid.

 

[A2Z]

Ok, so not posted in here before, so bear with me if you can.

Came out of an 8 year relationship in September, mutual thing we'd simply become just friends. A month later a friend of a friend messaged me asking if was interested in meeting one of her friends, was given her name and told to look at pics on FB, she'd seen mine and wanted to meet up. Thought it was a bit soon but decided to agree anyway. We chatted on FB for about a week all good and went out for a first date which was fine. Chatted another week or so and went out again which was also fine. Third date went to the cinema and when I dropped her home it seemed as though she couldn't get out the car fast enough.

Day later I got a message along the lines of I think you're a great person but she just wasn't sure if there was any 'spark' between us and didn't want to carry on seeing me without being honest about it. To me that basically said it was over and that was that.

Few weeks later I got speaking to the person who set us up and finally got out of her that this girl did like me to some degree but just didn't want to see me again without stating how she felt, not that she actually didn't want to see me again and I'd perhaps jumped to that decision. I still certainly liked her so started messaging her again and we agreed to pick up again and see where things might lead.

So we've been out a couple more times, and had a couple of evenings at her house just watching tv including NYE. We get on fine, have a good laugh together and everything seems great, but things haven't progressed beyond holding hands, cuddling up on the sofa and a good night kiss though. I'm not one to rush things I have to say so it's not really bothered me a great deal but I seem to get the fact that common convention might disagree here.

Anyway, I'd asked her out again this week and then got another message along the lines of before, so called her up to chat about it. She's basically confused by the fact she likes spending time with me and is more than happy to continue doing so but for some reason she's just not sure if there is any 'spark' still or if there ever will be anything more than friends and doesn't want to waste my time if I wanted to just walk away now. She said she's never felt like this about someone before but also never spent as much time with someone in a new relationship before without getting physical and isn't sure if there is something stopping her or what's actually going on.

So, head is saying if there isn't anything there by now then it's perhaps time to call it a day. Heart is saying if we're still having fun together generally then it can't hurt to just carry on and see what happens - although not for forever of course.

Any words of wisdom people? I seem to think the above about not trying to figure woman out is perhaps the best answer though.

Thanks.

What are you waiting for? You have been out together more than three times and have not even attempted to take her to bed? Im not surprised she think's there is no spark, you need to start taking the lead and being the man and give her what she clearly wants.

 

[scorchisio]

Yes you certainly should sleep with her and see where it goes from there. Nothing to lose everything to gain.

 

[SS-89]

Yep I mean it's pretty clear she's asking for a roll in the hay...I mean what do you have to lose if it doesn't progress after that?

 

[XeNoN89]

Don't usually post about this stuff on here but here I go anyway... Broke up with my girlfriend yesterday. We been together a year and 4 months. I'm 26, shes 30. This was my first ever relationship she had been in several long term serious ones before. So this is completely new to.me. anyway I just feel crap at the moment. Shes had some emotional issues going on for a while now and shes already had a couple of off periods with me over the last few months. I'm just really annoyed because at the beginning I was the one being reserved as this was new to me, she was straight in talking about kids etc after a month. It seems like in the summer when I started coming around to some of the more serious stuff she kind of went the other way, didn't like the idea of renting somewhere together later this year etc but she was still upset that all her friends are having kids and shes not. It's so frustrating because I know this is all down to some of the issues shes got going on in her head ( she was seeing a therapist for a while) but this stuff ends getting projected onto me and theres nothing I can do about that. I just feel a bit sick now and am trying to keep myself occupied because sitting around and thinking about stuff is not good at the moment.

Just need to vent some of this!!

 

[Nix]

Just need to vent some of this!!

Do yourself a favour and cut all contact for at least a month. Trust me on this, it doesn't matter what you say or do right now, it won't help as emotions are too high. The only thing you can do is damage control, so give her space.

It's going to really suck for a while, I won't lie to you. Just stay strong and work on yourself.

 

[XeNoN89]

Do yourself a favour and cut all contact for at least a month. Trust me on this, it doesn't matter what you say or do right now, it won't help as emotions are too high. The only thing you can do is damage control, so give her space.

It's going to really suck for a while, I won't lie to you. Just stay strong and work on yourself.

Yeah I didn't want to drag anything out and make it worse. When it happened I literally just packed my bag and left straight away. (/I don't live with her but was staying with her over new year).

My mate reckons she will end up contacting me in the next few days. I really don't know what to do if she does. I love her but can I really handle getting back with her and then this happen again a couple of months down the line? It seems like any random little thing could set her off again and I'll just feel like I'm walking on egg shells around her! I don't know why things suddenly changed in the summer. Up until then things had been going amazing

 

[Roar87]

Yeah I didn't want to drag anything out and make it worse. When it happened I literally just packed my bag and left straight away. (/I don't live with her but was staying with her over new year).

My mate reckons she will end up contacting me in the next few days. I really don't know what to do if she does. I love her but can I really handle getting back with her and then this happen again a couple of months down the line? It seems like any random little thing could set her off again and I'll just feel like I'm walking on egg shells around her! I don't know why things suddenly changed in the summer. Up until then things had been going amazing

I've got a feeling that she's a bit of a spoiled Princess and you took too much of her crap to the point that she doesn't respect you. You even said the relationship was going better at the start when you were a bit more reserved and probably laid back. With women like this you really need to keep them in check, don't just brush off a bitchy attitude and be apologetic, tell them when they're being out of order and show that you're willing to walk away. No contact is best at this point, maybe you can salvage the relationship if you act aloof and let her chase you if/when she does contact you

 

[Nix]

Yeah I didn't want to drag anything out and make it worse. When it happened I literally just packed my bag and left straight away. (/I don't live with her but was staying with her over new year).

My mate reckons she will end up contacting me in the next few days. I really don't know what to do if she does. I love her but can I really handle getting back with her and then this happen again a couple of months down the line? It seems like any random little thing could set her off again and I'll just feel like I'm walking on egg shells around her! I don't know why things suddenly changed in the summer. Up until then things had been going amazing

Just give yourself and her space. Give it a month or so and you may be able to start seeing things a little clearer.

It's perfectly normal to analyse what happened, but don't get too caught up in it. You can't control if she comes back or not, and it would be unhealthy to try to, so just focus on what you can control right now: yourself.

Hang out with friends, go to the gym, put in some extra hours at work, find a new hobby, buy some new clothes.

If and only if she comes back, you don't want her to find you moping about. You need to put yourself in a position where if she does come back, you're able to say no if you have to. You may find after some time that you agree with the breakup, or maybe not.

The bottom line is: the breakup has happened. If anything can be salvaged or learned from it, now is not the time. Detach, work on yourself and let the emotions calm down. See where you're at then.

 

[ChrisD.]

Got a girls number last week. I text her via whatsapp the next day, it's been delivered, but she's not read it however has been online.

Do I bother with a chaser or just leave it? It was Monday lunch time ish that I text her.

 

[Yas786]

I'd leave it, if she's seen your message and hasn't bothered to reply back then **** her off mate. No point in chasing someone who hasn't got the decency to reply back, it's a no starter imho.

 

[Maccapacca]

Got a girls number last week. I text her via whatsapp the next day, it's been delivered, but she's not read it however has been online.

Do I bother with a chaser or just leave it? It was Monday lunch time ish that I text her.

She probably doesn't know she's got a message. If she's anything like any other woman I know their phone is one mass of notifications they ignore.

Ring her? Or is that 1990?

 

[ChrisD.]

Hmm, haven't thought about ringing her actually.

I know she has a child so perhaps with it being silly season she may have just been busy, or as above just not seen my message.

I'm not used to being ignored, I'm usually blocked on whatsapp, happened 3 times since Christmas! Some women are unbelievable.