The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

.Lethal said:
You seem like a really nice guy from everything you've posted here but not that I'm trying to be rude here but don't you think you've already been trying to see if things can work out? From here it looks like your going in loops hoping for it to suddenly change and have things work out.

It's admirable that you believe in your vows and the fact kids are involved is why I think everyone here understood you wanting to work things out but has anything for the better changed so far since you've been living apart? It seems worse especially after the post you made just the other day.

I think you've done more than enough yourself to try and work things out but I don't get that impression from her, at least from what you've said. Frankly I think you deserve better.
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Hate to say it Dave...but Lethal is absolutely 100% right here. You have to cut the strings now, its never going to work with her and whilst its admirable to be able to say at least you tried I firmly believe you are not going to gain any happiness from having her back. Quite the opposite in fact. Life must move on and you must move on with it. I dont wish to be negative but this idea is going to bring you nothing but pain and wasted time.
 
Looks like I've managed to get the cinema and food arranged for Saturday with my friend. Think going to make no premeditated plans on how I want to play it beyond offering to pay (more date than friend) and being more tactile than a friend. Effectively making it like a 'date' without being explicit.

The rest.. Just see in the moment
 
Tombstone said:
Hate to say it Dave...but Lethal is absolutely 100% right here. You have to cut the strings now, its never going to work with her and whilst its admirable to be able to say at least you tried I firmly believe you are not going to gain any happiness from having her back. Quite the opposite in fact. Life must move on and you must move on with it. I dont wish to be negative but this idea is going to bring you nothing but pain and wasted time.
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Thanks guys, don't worry i am not just going to run back to her a lot will be dependent on what she saids tomorrow if anything, last time we spoke i done most of the talking so expect the same.

Also she told me today that she has an appointment next tuesday with the housing and if she gets a place i can move in weeks after, this is a huge red flag for me because a) she could decide that actually things aren't working and i look like an idiot. b) it's on her terms what comes and what stays furniture wise :eek: c) she could kick me out at any point shes unhappy. These are huge risks which i don't want to take.

At the moment i have contacted the council regarding helping me with rent when i move and child / tax credits as i work full time. i am looking to sell my car to pay off the finance and get a run around.

In the likely case they will offer her emergency accommodation b&b due to lack of council houses and she said that she wouldn't take b&B, or rent deposit scheme, she couldn't afford the rent as a) she has no job untill february and b) the tenancy check would fail as she has not been in her job long enough i.e 3 months.

Trust me i do listen even though it may not seem like i do, i just want to hear what she has to say and what compromises she would make. at present i am still working on the basis that i am moving out on my own, then if she wants to move in i can do it on my terms.
 
dave1983 said:
Trust me i do listen even though it may not seem like i do, i just want to hear what she has to say and what compromises she would make. at present i am still working on the basis that i am moving out on my own, then if she wants to move in i can do it on my terms.
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Honestly, you sound like you want some kind of closure to this episode.

Work on the basis that no matter what she says, it changes nothing.

They call it no contact for a reason: Drop all one sided respect and love you have for her, it doesn't matter who did the dumping because in this case it seems like you were dumped already and still are by the way...
 
Steampunk said:
Either you've creeped her out and she's ignoring it or figuring out how to "let you down gently", or she wants you to chase her a bit more. If she's got self-esteem issues, you'll have to convince her that you really want her, that you really do find her desirable.

Seriously dude, in person, she would have had to respond, you might have had an opportunity for a proper kiss, she'd have been able to look into your eyes. She wouldn't be able to dodge you via the phone and think about all the reasons why she shouldn't mess things up with her "friend".
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So apparently I 'freaked her out somewhat', she thought that after we talked at the weekend we were just going to see how things went and all of a sudden I was talking about taking things further. Can't seem to do right for doing wrong basically.

We were meant to be out tonight at the cinema, but when I asked if we were still on at lunchtime she said she was not feeling great and could we leave it. I queried it asking if what I'd said had made her rethink things and got the above, but she did say she really wasn't feeling up to it which I believe.

I suggested we have a chat tonight about it but not had anything back since then. Just a waiting game now I think.
 
Nem said:
So apparently I 'freaked her out somewhat', she thought that after we talked at the weekend we were just going to see how things went and all of a sudden I was talking about taking things further. Can't seem to do right for doing wrong basically.

We were meant to be out tonight at the cinema, but when I asked if we were still on at lunchtime she said she was not feeling great and could we leave it. I queried it asking if what I'd said had made her rethink things and got the above, but she did say she really wasn't feeling up to it which I believe.

I suggested we have a chat tonight about it but not had anything back since then. Just a waiting game now I think.
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Sounds like an all too familiar story
 
Nem said:
So apparently I 'freaked her out somewhat', she thought that after we talked at the weekend we were just going to see how things went and all of a sudden I was talking about taking things further. Can't seem to do right for doing wrong basically.

We were meant to be out tonight at the cinema, but when I asked if we were still on at lunchtime she said she was not feeling great and could we leave it. I queried it asking if what I'd said had made her rethink things and got the above, but she did say she really wasn't feeling up to it which I believe.

I suggested we have a chat tonight about it but not had anything back since then. Just a waiting game now I think.
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move on and call it a day pal. She's not that into you clearly I'm afraid. Better luck next time and don't let it bother you.
 
Nem said:
So apparently I 'freaked her out somewhat', she thought that after we talked at the weekend we were just going to see how things went and all of a sudden I was talking about taking things further. Can't seem to do right for doing wrong basically.

We were meant to be out tonight at the cinema, but when I asked if we were still on at lunchtime she said she was not feeling great and could we leave it. I queried it asking if what I'd said had made her rethink things and got the above, but she did say she really wasn't feeling up to it which I believe.

I suggested we have a chat tonight about it but not had anything back since then. Just a waiting game now I think.
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Way too much chasing on your part, on to the next one.
 
Nem said:
So apparently I 'freaked her out somewhat', she thought that after we talked at the weekend we were just going to see how things went and all of a sudden I was talking about taking things further. Can't seem to do right for doing wrong basically.

We were meant to be out tonight at the cinema, but when I asked if we were still on at lunchtime she said she was not feeling great and could we leave it. I queried it asking if what I'd said had made her rethink things and got the above, but she did say she really wasn't feeling up to it which I believe.

I suggested we have a chat tonight about it but not had anything back since then. Just a waiting game now I think.
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Just back off for a few days and give her a chance to un-freak. Next time you see her, ask her how she feels about you, then you'll know whether to pursue or move on.
 
Getting tentative about my "meet" tomorrow with my friend
Not about the actual day but about how to approach communicating what I want without being insensitive or crossing that undefined line.

I want to at some point make it completely and unambiguous what I want. Not sure if it's a food idea

Although time is arbitrary and completely different from one person to next in the context of post break up I do now know 2 months have passed.

The day compromises a film and a meal and just two of us
It started as a film with possible extra people
 
I'd try to just enjoy the day and not dwell on what it is you want. If you both like each other in that way it will be made apparent as long as you aren't totally bottling it up.
 
Steampunk said:
Just back off for a few days and give her a chance to un-freak. Next time you see her, ask her how she feels about you, then you'll know whether to pursue or move on.
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Well she finally sent me a message late on Friday, so 3 days later, very very apologetic for not speaking to me sooner. Phoned her up and had a good chat and both agreed it was a bit of a misunderstanding and we'd move past it.

She's actually been messaging me over the weekend, not even responding to me sending anything, just being more chatty, and we've been out tonight to the cinema which was a great evening, she was even the first one to suggest doing something again soon.

So, all seems on the right track again for now. I can't say it's not been hard work to this point but I'm hoping it will pay off. :)
 
So its been well over a week now and still no contact with my ex. It's been the longest week and a bit ever! Apparently she has been asking her friend how I'm doing( her friend is my mates girlfriend)but hasnt actuallt contacted me herself. I keep getting the urge to message her but then I stop myself and think she ended things so she can be the one to make the effort if she has any second thoughts...
 
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