Separated. Financial advice

[Haggisman]

I think weakness is probably why most Men end up in this situation to be brutally honest

Having kids in the relationship changes everything.

Whilst it's (relatively) easy enough to walk away from a girl, if she's effectively holding your child to ransom then it becomes a lot more complicated (unless you want to become one of the many scumbags who squirts out hordes of feral brats and has no interest in taking responsibility for any of them).

You dismiss it as weakness, but what would you do in the OP's situation?

 

[Roar87]

Having kids in the relationship changes everything.

Whilst it's (relatively) easy enough to walk away from a girl, if she's effectively holding your child to ransom then it becomes a lot more complicated (unless you want to become one of the many scumbags who squirts out hordes of feral brats and has no interest in taking responsibility for any of them).

You dismiss it as weakness, but what would you do in the OP's situation?

I wouldn't have got a loan out in my name if it was for both of us, you have to look after yourself, assume your relationship could break down in the future and make sure you're going to be ok financially if that happens.

I'm not blaming the OP really, loads of Men make these same mistakes, but we all need to learn from them really.

 

[Avenged7Fold]

So if you both needed money to help with bringing the kid up but she refuses to take out a loan as many people hate to do so. She feels that you can unrealistically make do, would you put your child through times of hardships until she got it in her head?

 

[Vipa66]

Fixed for accuracy. Speaking from experience, it's nowhere near as bad as "ruining your life".

• You might find it slightly more difficult to pass credit checks for renting.
• You might be unable to get a "normal" bank account for the first year or 2.
• You might find your car insurance increases quite a bit.
• You probably won't be able to get any kind of credit for the first 2-3 years (other than the really high interest cards e.g. Capital One/Vanquis, or rip-you-off companies like BrightHouse).
• You will be unlikely to get a mortgage for the first few years, and will be limited in choice for a few years after that until it drops off your credit report.

Not that I'm by any means encouraging the OP to do this. That £190/month probably isn't going to make a massive difference in reality, and he has the option to stay with his parents which will cut his outgoings massively.

Personally in the OP's position, I'd be living at the parents whilst paying off the loan ASAP and then saving as much as possible with a view to buy somewhere.

What is the situation with your ex/son's accommodation? Are you still paying her rent/mortgage as well as the maintenance?

Bankrupcy... unlike defaults and CCJs NEVER drop off your credit file... they are recorded elsewhere and are accessible for the rest of your life..

The question on a mortgage application isn't 'have you been declared bankrupt in the last 6 years?' it is have you EVER been declared bankrupt?!

That's not to say you will be affected by it in the main for the rest of your life (but you will for some things!!)

 

[Roar87]

So if you both needed money to help with bringing the kid up but she refuses to take out a loan as many people hate to do so. She feels that you can unrealistically make do, would you put your child through times of hardships until she got it in her head?

I'd make the minimum payments and offer to directly buy things if the kid needs, if that was unacceptable I'd offer to look after the kid and take the child support payments myself.

 

[Adam]

I wouldn't have got a loan out in my name if it was for both of us, you have to look after yourself, assume your relationship could break down in the future and make sure you're going to be ok financially if that happens.

I'm not blaming the OP really, loads of Men make these same mistakes, but we all need to learn from them really.

Sorry but you don't think like this when you have kids. By doing so you make a commitment and you trust your partner.

Your comments are quite childish and show a lack of understanding. Wait until you have kids and your opinion will change.

 

[Roar87]

Sorry but you don't think like this when you have kids. By doing so you make a commitment and you trust your partner.

Your comments are quite childish and show a lack of understanding. Wait until you have kids and your opinion will change.

I trust me and my partners relationship in it's current state, you're being completely naive if you think you can explicitly trust ANY relationship will not break down in the future. Look at the divorce stats for Gods sake, and that's just the people who break up who got married. Hope for the best, plan for the worst. Tonnes of people break up who have kids together, people break up in the first year, some people even break up during the pregnancy, how am I being childish?

 

[Haggisman]

Bankrupcy... unlike defaults and CCJs NEVER drop off your credit file... they are recorded elsewhere and are accessible for the rest of your life..

The question on a mortgage application isn't 'have you been declared bankrupt in the last 6 years?' it is have you EVER been declared bankrupt?!

That's not to say you will be affected by it in the main for the rest of your life (but you will for some things!!)

It completely depends on the lender (and in my experience, even the ones who ask have you EVER been declared bankrupt don't actually care past 6 years as long as your recent history is good).

There is no record of my bankruptcy anywhere on credit file - yes they are recorded elsewhere, as obviously the court will have a record of it (and it's likely your debtors would as well) - however from what I can tell, it's had no effect on my ability to get credit since it dropped off, and unless the lender specifically asks about it you don't need to tell them.

I wouldn't have got a loan out in my name if it was for both of us, you have to look after yourself, assume your relationship could break down in the future and make sure you're going to be ok financially if that happens.

So say you needed a loan to buy clothes/cot/pushchair/etc for the child, and her credit rating was so bad you wouldn't get approved for a joint loan... you'd just make the child go without? Probably for the best that you don't have kids

 

[413x]

I trust me and my partners relationship in it's current state, you're being completely naive if you think you can explicitly trust ANY relationship will not break down in the future. Look at the divorce stats for Gods sake, and that's just the people who break up who got married. Hope for the best, plan for the worst. Tonnes of people break up who have kids together, people break up in the first year, some people even break up during the pregnancy, how am I being childish?

Agree
How many failed relationships do you know of
Lots

I'd say it's sensible to not have kids if you couldn't cope with the financial situation after a split

Nor would I have kids if I needed a loan to cover it.

Obviously accidental pregnancy is different. But I'd never plan plants have kids if it strained me to point of a loan.

 

[dave1983]

having been through the same thing with my wife, we separated last year for approximately 6 months from September. 2 kids! 1 4 years old and 6 months old.

Went back to parents who "amicably" agreed for a short term for me to save and move out. Like you on a wage of £1500 a month and the amount of times I tried to explain how 1 person on their own couldn't afford rent but there was light at the end of the tunnel.

I saved up and paid £250 a month towards child maintenance. During this period my wife at the time "ex" would act differently on/off about our relationship it was very hard and during this time worked on myself.

around December my ex wanted to see if we could work things out I think she thought I would fail at being a father and not pay. but I kept to the agreement and paid and saved.

In February I paid the deposit and upfront rent and we are back together.

My advice is Save Hard because being at home you lose your independence, be as amicable as possible with the children and pay the agreed maintenance. In time things may work out in your favor your "separated" so there is still a possibility for you to reconcile, if that's what you want?

 

[413x]

Sorry but you don't think like this when you have kids. By doing so you make a commitment and you trust your partner.

Your comments are quite childish and show a lack of understanding. Wait until you have kids and your opinion will change.

I'd say opposite. It's childish to think that a relationship is that stable. In real world it really isn't.

 

[dave1983]

^ correct.

I got myself in 20k worth of debt on payday loans and credit cards. that was 4 years ago.

I had to do a debt management plan and paid off my debt with no help. my outstanding debt is now £6k.

It makes you learn the hard way of not being stupid with money and a hard lesson in life. Looking back it least I still supported us with a roof over our head still paid rent and bills.

 

[413x]

^ correct.

I got myself in 20k worth of debt on payday loans and credit cards. that was 4 years ago.

I had to do a debt management plan and paid off my debt with no help. my outstanding debt is now £6k.

It makes you learn the hard way of not being stupid with money and a hard lesson in life.

I had no debt and no kids with mine. But I was in that "this is forever land"
So mine was a cheap lesson
That sounds horrendous to have it hanging over you for so long

 

[Haggisman]

I'd say opposite. It's childish to think that a relationship is that stable. In real world it really isn't.

"In the real world" nothing is really stable or predictable. The company you work for could fold and make you redundant, you could be in an accident/fall ill and never be able to work again, your house could burn down leaving you and your family homeless.

Whilst I agree it's naive to not make preparations for any unexpected occurrences, at the same time you can't live your life not doing anything just in case your circumstances might change several years down the line.

 

[dave1983]

I had no debt and no kids with mine. But I was in that "this is forever land"
So mine was a cheap lesson
That sounds horrendous to have it hanging over you for so long

I was stupid and cocky getting loans here and there and paydays at the time would throw it at you.

Then I struggled for months trying to pay all of them off, Step Change "Free Debt Management" sorted it for me.

Final debt will be cleared by 2020, however I cant get any credit cards or any additional finances. Which is great because you learn to save and we are planning to get a deposit within 5 years and by that time all the debts will be cleared from my credit file.

 

[Roar87]

So say you needed a loan to buy clothes/cot/pushchair/etc for the child, and her credit rating was so bad you wouldn't get approved for a joint loan... you'd just make the child go without? Probably for the best that you don't have kids

I wouldn't get someone pregnant if I needed a loan to cover basic child care costs. Also, was the loan for something for the child?

 

[Roar87]

"In the real world" nothing is really stable or predictable. The company you work for could fold and make you redundant, you could be in an accident/fall ill and never be able to work again, your house could burn down leaving you and your family homeless.

Whilst I agree it's naive to not make preparations for any unexpected occurrences, at the same time you can't live your life not doing anything just in case your circumstances might change several years down the line.

You can though, people have savings set aside so if they lose their job they can pay their Mortgage/bills for 3-6 months, that's sensible. As is making sure you wouldn't become financially ruined if your wife/girlfriend suddenly announced she's leaving you for Dave at work.

 

[413x]

"In the real world" nothing is really stable or predictable. The company you work for could fold and make you redundant, you could be in an accident/fall ill and never be able to work again, your house could burn down leaving you and your family homeless.

Whilst I agree it's naive to not make preparations for any unexpected occurrences, at the same time you can't live your life not doing anything just in case your circumstances might change several years down the line.

The job one can be a nightmare I agree, the others should have you covered from debt and if you have insurance house too
And I very much agree everything is a risk
But the partner thing can be literally out of the blue and leave you screwed if you aren't capable of being self sufficient

Getting another job can alleviate the lost job
But getting another partner doesn't solve the split with debt you can't manage self sufficiently

I suppose I'm more of a "don't spend what you can't afford" type. And having a child is a massive continuous outgoing expense

 

[Nodiggidy123]

I wouldn't get someone pregnant if I needed a loan to cover basic child care costs. Also, was the loan for something for the child?

not at all. just debts we had before our son was born.

together we were financially comfortable and put both our earnings into a pot and split it equally.

in hindsight.. yes we should have had a joint loan but its done now.

 

[Roar87]

not at all. just debts we had before our son was born.

together we were financially comfortable and put both our earnings into a pot and split it equally.

in hindsight.. yes we should have had a joint loan but its done now.

Totally agree mate and I don't mean for you to feel bad, it's a lesson learned for you and hopefully other people who read this thread. Women are very ruthless when a relationship ends for the most part, you have to look after yourself and expect no favours from them.