The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[bainbridge]

That's actually really helpful, thank-you for that. I too am a huge overthinker and fantastically hopeless at reading 'the signals' which probably explains why I've just spent a good half an hour sitting on my bed writing a (possibly slightly too long) message to send her later/tomorrow saying I had a great time and would like to do it again because I think she's great, but not at the cost of us being friends or making things awkward at work. Which reading it over, just feels like it could make things awkward anyway!

I'm not sure whether she'll value the upfront honesty of it or whether it's just a bit too much to be hit with at once. But at the same time, given we have to see each other five days out of seven, I'm worried that leaving it to just take its own pace and being a bit vague and ambiguous might drag it out and cause things to be weird anyway. I know I'd rather just know, but I don't know if she'd rather just know. You know?

She's far, far more attractive than me anyway so if this does somehow all work out the world will probably immediately spin off its axis.

Don't tear the backside out it, you could be the architect of your own misfortune by scaring her away. A simple message saying you enjoyed it and maybe 1 funny point you both laughed about and leave it there for the moment. Don't go trying to get reassurance she wants to see you again, just assume she does. After a day or so tell her you want to see her again and once she agrees set the date. Just keep things casual and focus on having fun, if it has legs it'll continue.

 

[Captain]

I've been single for two years now and I wouldn't have it any other way. A woman would seriously have to knock me off my feet for me to consider a relationship.

I understand that and do feel that sometimes, I've only been in 2 relationships since I was 16, the rest have just been few weeks/months so I've spent most of my adult life single.

 

[datalol-jack]

On the other end of this make sure you're are not just rationalising loneliness [or in some cases depression] away -- I saw that end rather badly for a couple of chaps. Rational freedom's great though, if you aren't trying to deny what you really want/need at the same time: you have more time in the day for yourself, can better pursue some personal ambitions ('the system' is still very much weighted to couples in society, hence the caveat) and claim all the credit for who you are.

 

[spookywillow]

That's actually really helpful, thank-you for that. I too am a huge overthinker and fantastically hopeless at reading 'the signals' which probably explains why I've just spent a good half an hour sitting on my bed writing a (possibly slightly too long) message to send her later/tomorrow saying I had a great time and would like to do it again because I think she's great, but not at the cost of us being friends or making things awkward at work. Which reading it over, just feels like it could make things awkward anyway!

I'm not sure whether she'll value the upfront honesty of it or whether it's just a bit too much to be hit with at once. But at the same time, given we have to see each other five days out of seven, I'm worried that leaving it to just take its own pace and being a bit vague and ambiguous might drag it out and cause things to be weird anyway. I know I'd rather just know, but I don't know if she'd rather just know. You know?

She's far, far more attractive than me anyway so if this does somehow all work out the world will probably immediately spin off its axis.

Do not do this long message thing your talking about!!!

Don't tear the backside out it, you could be the architect of your own misfortune by scaring her away. A simple message saying you enjoyed it and maybe 1 funny point you both laughed about and leave it there for the moment. Don't go trying to get reassurance she wants to see you again, just assume she does. After a day or so tell her you want to see her again and once she agrees set the date. Just keep things casual and focus on having fun, if it has legs it'll continue.

Exactly this!

I ended a 22yr relationship a while back, Only relationship I've had longer than 6 months and was only 17 when I met her. I had lost all idea of how to go about dating and stuff and when I plucked up the courage to message a woman i know who is WAY out of my league I was shocked she started chatting to me.

We text each other from the moment she woke up till she went to bed, Every day for a few weeks and I asked her if she wanted to go out sometime. She agreed and we went out a few times after that and things were going amazingly well then I did what you are planning now.....Sent a long message saying some stuff that I should have kept to myself for a good while longer and it killed everything.

She pretty much stopped talking to me for 2 weeks and when she did reply it was nothing like the chats we previously had. After a lot of effort and time things are back to how they used to be and only getting better but I was very very lucky. If I could go back and not say the stuff I did I would in an instant, I screwed up big time and it nearly cost me dearly.

Just let things progress at their own speed, Continue talking for a while, keep it light and as bainbrigde says just ask if she fancies going out again sometime in the future and take it from there. Just don't try to rush things as you will no doubt ruin it and as you work with her it will probably make things difficult between you should it not go to plan.

 

[Tefal]

Chased out of the city with torch and pitchfork, eh? Sounds like you bridged one of them ladies too far indeed.



!

Oh no that went fine.

Drunk girl trying to start a fight with a homless guy, making an ass of heraelf then blaming me for breaking things up before someone got hurt.


So i jist cba

 

[Roar87]

That's actually really helpful, thank-you for that. I too am a huge overthinker and fantastically hopeless at reading 'the signals' which probably explains why I've just spent a good half an hour sitting on my bed writing a (possibly slightly too long) message to send her later/tomorrow saying I had a great time and would like to do it again because I think she's great, but not at the cost of us being friends or making things awkward at work. Which reading it over, just feels like it could make things awkward anyway!

I'm not sure whether she'll value the upfront honesty of it or whether it's just a bit too much to be hit with at once. But at the same time, given we have to see each other five days out of seven, I'm worried that leaving it to just take its own pace and being a bit vague and ambiguous might drag it out and cause things to be weird anyway. I know I'd rather just know, but I don't know if she'd rather just know. You know?

She's far, far more attractive than me anyway so if this does somehow all work out the world will probably immediately spin off its axis.

Just play it cool. If she's going out with you then you can assume she likes you, just text her saying you had fun and arrange another meet up. Women don't want to be told you like them, or that they're great. If you're going to compliment make it specific, you like their hair or clothes, or something less general. But don't over do it. Also don't ever have the attitude that a girl is far more attractive than you, even if it's true. You don't do anything to be good looking, focus on the good things you've achieved and have some self confidence, you have to go with the attitude that she's as lucky to be out with you as you are her.

Cannot emphasize enough not to send long text messages. Match the level of interest they're giving you text wise in terms of length and time taken to reply. Yes it's "game playing", but you don't risk turning them off that way.

 

[Narj]

Chased out of the city with torch and pitchfork, eh? Sounds like you bridged one of them ladies too far indeed.

I feel like a paradigm of chastity and virtue after reading Tefal's posts!

 

[TheVoice]

Feel free to contact me in pm! Sounds like you are quite similar to me!

Cheers mate, may well do.

That's relative. What matters is that she finds you attractive: proceed on this assumption until proved otherwise. You never know -- she might be thinking the exact same thing in reverse!

Honestly, in this case I doubt she is! That said the fact we get along so well and she's shown interest in me in return has helped me not be so concious of that. I'm not interested in her based solely on her looks anyway so I'd hope it's mutual in that respect.

Do not do this long message thing your talking about!!!



Exactly this!

I ended a 22yr relationship a while back, Only relationship I've had longer than 6 months and was only 17 when I met her. I had lost all idea of how to go about dating and stuff and when I plucked up the courage to message a woman i know who is WAY out of my league I was shocked she started chatting to me.

We text each other from the moment she woke up till she went to bed, Every day for a few weeks and I asked her if she wanted to go out sometime. She agreed and we went out a few times after that and things were going amazingly well then I did what you are planning now.....Sent a long message saying some stuff that I should have kept to myself for a good while longer and it killed everything.

She pretty much stopped talking to me for 2 weeks and when she did reply it was nothing like the chats we previously had. After a lot of effort and time things are back to how they used to be and only getting better but I was very very lucky. If I could go back and not say the stuff I did I would in an instant, I screwed up big time and it nearly cost me dearly.

Just let things progress at their own speed, Continue talking for a while, keep it light and as bainbrigde says just ask if she fancies going out again sometime in the future and take it from there. Just don't try to rush things as you will no doubt ruin it and as you work with her it will probably make things difficult between you should it not go to plan.

Cheers guys (and Roar), message not sent. I'd already read through it a couple of times this evening and chopped it down in size based on coming across far too strong, but now I see your point that it's just being too much too soon and too quickly. I guess my desire to just be upfront and honest is at odds with me not wanting to come across as a bit of a lunatic.

 

[413x]

Just play it cool. If she's going out with you then you can assume she likes you, just text her saying you had fun and arrange another meet up. Women don't want to be told you like them, or that they're great. If you're going to compliment make it specific, you like their hair or clothes, or something less general. But don't over do it. Also don't ever have the attitude that a girl is far more attractive than you, even if it's true. You don't do anything to be good looking, focus on the good things you've achieved and have some self confidence, you have to go with the attitude that she's as lucky to be out with you as you are her.

Cannot emphasize enough not to send long text messages. Match the level of interest they're giving you text wise in terms of length and time taken to reply. Yes it's "game playing", but you don't risk turning them off that way.

Yes yes yes!
Read the message after you've written it. Less is definitely more.

 

[Narj]

Just play it cool. If she's going out with you then you can assume she likes you.

Never assume anything! You can never tell when you've been friend-zoned until you actually test the water.

I agree with the long messages thing being a mistake too. Done that before and learned from it.

 

[Roar87]

Never assume anything! You can never tell when you've been friend-zoned until you actually test the water.

I agree with the long messages thing being a mistake too. Done that before and learned from it.

No, just assume she likes you, if she doesn't then you'll just get rejected at which point you can move on. But always just assume they like you. It's up to a girl to make it clear she doesn't like you rather than you to reject yourself for her

 

[XeNoN89]

Cannot emphasize enough not to send long text messages. Match the level of interest they're giving you text wise in terms of length and time taken to reply. Yes it's "game playing", but you don't risk turning them off that way.

I don't agree with this personally. I don't play games and will literally drop a girl the second I think she's playing them too. If i want to message someone i'll message them and I expect the same back

I'm not a teenager any more and if a girl acts like she still is one it's a massive turn off

 

[Tosno]

You should be mirroring, short message never send a long reply, keep it a 1:1 ratio maximum. Easy and overexcited/needy men are not attractive, 10 a penny.

 

[XeNoN89]

You should be mirroring, short message never send a long reply, keep it a 1:1 ratio maximum. Easy and overexcited/needy men are not attractive, 10 a penny.

Don't get me wrong i'm not saying i send like 10 messages at a time and keep sending more without a reply, but I don't purposely wait x amount of time to reply etc

 

[Roar87]

Don't get me wrong i'm not saying i send like 10 messages at a time and keep sending more without a reply, but I don't purposely wait x amount of time to reply etc

How's it working out for you? Serious question.

If you're very good looking and a woman really likes you, you can probably do what you want and get results (my mate falls into this camp, he doesn't even have to try and literally has stunning women chasing him), if you're an average guy or a bit above or below then not coming across as overly keen can be the difference between a girl you like choosing you over someone else. At the end of the day I was more happy in my single days to be waking up next to a girl I fancied because I used a bit of text game than waking up alone having not "played games" but having the moral high ground

 

[XeNoN89]

How's it working out for you? Serious question.

If you're very good looking and a woman really likes you, you can probably do what you want and get results (my mate falls into this camp, he doesn't even have to try and literally has stunning women chasing him), if you're an average guy or a bit above or below then not coming across as overly keen can be the difference between a girl you like choosing you over someone else. At the end of the day I was more happy in my single days to be waking up next to a girl I fancied because I used a bit of text game than waking up alone having not "played games" but having the moral high ground

That's probably where we differ then. I don't date girls just to get laid. No point putting in effort for that. I'll date to actually get a relationship, other than that it would be just a one night stand job.

 

[Roar87]

That's probably where we differ then. I don't date girls just to get laid. No point putting in effort for that. I'll date to actually get a relationship, other than that it would be just a one night stand job.

Well, me 5-6 years ago when I was last single

 

[TheVoice]

The thing is I'm not really into playing the 'game' here, I know what you mean but I don't want to suddenly change the way I'm talking to her now just because there's the prospect of a date on the table. It'll seem odd and it's not something I'm particularly comfortable with. I don't want it to become a game of "who texts first" or whatever.

In any case she told me as we were walking to the car park just now that she's out for dinner tonight with a friend who works offshore, so I'll probably just leave it for tonight.

 

[Ayahuasca]

Dat offshore money

 

[Vidar]

The thing is I'm not really into playing the 'game' here, I know what you mean but I don't want to suddenly change the way I'm talking to her now just because there's the prospect of a date on the table. It'll seem odd and it's not something I'm particularly comfortable with. I don't want it to become a game of "who texts first" or whatever.

In any case she told me as we were walking to the car park just now that she's out for dinner tonight with a friend who works offshore, so I'll probably just leave it for tonight.

You've said you're wanting a relationship and not one night stands so I'm not going to tell you to google pickup communities or which are the best dating books to buy or some rubbish like that. Yes text games etc can and do work quite often, I've used stuff myself and had mixed successes over the years (Does anyone remember the fogbeast thread??? haha) but its only been since I stopped chasing pasty smashing because they're hot etc and got very specific about the things that really matter to me have I had my greatest success.

Am now 11 months in to what can only be described as a dream and am planning on popping the question once I can try and save up for a ring. Maybe I've just been incredibly lucky for once but I've found that being completely honest about who and what I am, following my instincts and realising that nobody is too good for me, we're all just people has really worked.

I know it's cliche'd but just be yourself, not yourself trying to impress, if the woman likes you for who you are things will progress.