Count yourself very lucky compared to some of us mere mortals in this thread who struggle to get any attention from the opposite sex.
The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread
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Count yourself very lucky compared to some of us mere mortals in this thread who struggle to get any attention from the opposite sex.
Soldato
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Here hereCount yourself very lucky compared to some of us mere mortals in this thread who struggle to get any attention from the opposite sex.
Soldato
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You're right, I'll try men out and see if they go crazy too.
So I've been "sort-of" seeing somebody for the past year. I'm nearly 34, she has just turned 26, I say sort-of as although we are exclusively seeing each other we are both pretty much playing it by ear, keeping things very informal, no wanting to rush anything.
She is a lovely girl, I enjoy her company, she is young and probably more into the relationship that I am but for the most part this isn't a problem. We both have our own lives, and generally only see each other once a week now that I no longer work in London.
The weekend just gone I had a "black-tie" party in Brighton put on by my employer, I was able to bring a guest and I was happy to invite her along. She is from a small town in Hungary originally, and her job doesn't really offer her the chance to do things like this so I thought it would be nice to get tarted up, slap up meal, all of that.
Morning of the party she is telling me that she is nervous about meeting my colleagues, I try and reassure her that they are nice, and she got on great with my colleagues from my previous job who were much harder work than this lot. She seems to be ok, she perhaps has a little too much to drink before we head off to the party - I'm sure you can see where this is going.
By the time we're having the sit down meal we've both had a good drink, but I'm still pretty sober, she is less sober but not hammered. I end up sat as the only guy on a table with 9 girls, including my date. Sitting next to me is the older sister of one of my colleagues, an attractive girl but completely not my type. This is when the trouble begins, apparently I'm flirting with her. We go for a smoke, we talk things out, things are all good and we go back in.
Another hour or so later, she finds another excuse to kick off, again I take time out to try and sort things out. Try and get her to join in with the group, we go have a little dance, get a drink, and go back to the group once again. Things are good for around 15 minutes and then she just skulks off to go sit in the corner on her own, not saying a word. I'm a little peeved at this point, I decide to leave her to it for a bit, maybe she'll calm down / sober up / stop being a ****head.
Eventually I go over, ask her what is wrong this time, its clear that by this point she is no longer merry-drunk and has descended into the absolutely ****-faced stage. We go out for another smoke, and I make it apparent that I am particularly displeased, I made an effort to bring her to the party as it was something I thought she would enjoy, but it seems to me that she is actively trying to sabotage the night and is ruining it for me.
I realise at this point that I'm no longer in the mood to party, and I suggest we go home and just sleep it off. We will talk about it in the morning when we are both sober.
Morning comes, I don't scream and shout but I let her know that her behaviour was completely unacceptable. I will not be inviting her to anything like that in the future and will instead take one of my other female friends as I can trust them not to ruin the night. I walk her to the train station and put her on the train home.
Since then she has messaged me a few times, I'm not angry at her, but I'm also at the point where I look at her messages and I just can't be bothered to reply. The nights events have completely taken the shine off of things for me, I'm just not fussed about seeing her again. I know I'm probably being overly harsh, she was drunk and she wouldn't normally behave in that way, but after seeing her be so needy and clingy I'm really uncertain if things are worth pursuing further. I've told her to just leave things for a couple of days, explained that I'm not angry at her but I'm disappointed in the way the night turned out and I need time to thing about things.
What should I do wise GD?
She is a lovely girl, I enjoy her company, she is young and probably more into the relationship that I am but for the most part this isn't a problem. We both have our own lives, and generally only see each other once a week now that I no longer work in London.
The weekend just gone I had a "black-tie" party in Brighton put on by my employer, I was able to bring a guest and I was happy to invite her along. She is from a small town in Hungary originally, and her job doesn't really offer her the chance to do things like this so I thought it would be nice to get tarted up, slap up meal, all of that.
Morning of the party she is telling me that she is nervous about meeting my colleagues, I try and reassure her that they are nice, and she got on great with my colleagues from my previous job who were much harder work than this lot. She seems to be ok, she perhaps has a little too much to drink before we head off to the party - I'm sure you can see where this is going.
By the time we're having the sit down meal we've both had a good drink, but I'm still pretty sober, she is less sober but not hammered. I end up sat as the only guy on a table with 9 girls, including my date. Sitting next to me is the older sister of one of my colleagues, an attractive girl but completely not my type. This is when the trouble begins, apparently I'm flirting with her. We go for a smoke, we talk things out, things are all good and we go back in.
Another hour or so later, she finds another excuse to kick off, again I take time out to try and sort things out. Try and get her to join in with the group, we go have a little dance, get a drink, and go back to the group once again. Things are good for around 15 minutes and then she just skulks off to go sit in the corner on her own, not saying a word. I'm a little peeved at this point, I decide to leave her to it for a bit, maybe she'll calm down / sober up / stop being a ****head.
Eventually I go over, ask her what is wrong this time, its clear that by this point she is no longer merry-drunk and has descended into the absolutely ****-faced stage. We go out for another smoke, and I make it apparent that I am particularly displeased, I made an effort to bring her to the party as it was something I thought she would enjoy, but it seems to me that she is actively trying to sabotage the night and is ruining it for me.
I realise at this point that I'm no longer in the mood to party, and I suggest we go home and just sleep it off. We will talk about it in the morning when we are both sober.
Morning comes, I don't scream and shout but I let her know that her behaviour was completely unacceptable. I will not be inviting her to anything like that in the future and will instead take one of my other female friends as I can trust them not to ruin the night. I walk her to the train station and put her on the train home.
Since then she has messaged me a few times, I'm not angry at her, but I'm also at the point where I look at her messages and I just can't be bothered to reply. The nights events have completely taken the shine off of things for me, I'm just not fussed about seeing her again. I know I'm probably being overly harsh, she was drunk and she wouldn't normally behave in that way, but after seeing her be so needy and clingy I'm really uncertain if things are worth pursuing further. I've told her to just leave things for a couple of days, explained that I'm not angry at her but I'm disappointed in the way the night turned out and I need time to thing about things.
What should I do wise GD?
You don't sound like you're really invested or interested so that only really leads to one thing. Make up your mind on what you want to do and do it
Tell her things wont work out between you and be done with it.
it doesnt sound like you would just "bump" into each other. ie dont have the same circle of friends or live near each other.
she sounds like a very jealous type which would never end well. maybe shes not mature enough in that respect.
If you love her, then how can one bad night ruin things? Not her finest hour, but unless she does this all the time, it shouldn't end the relationship. It's not like you caught her shagging another bloke in the cloakroom, she just got a bit drunk, probably out of nerves, and felt out of her depth and in a room full of strangers. It sounds like when you should have been reassuring her and cheering her up with a bit of attention, you left her to wallow and get a bit more drunk.
However, it doesn't actually sound like you're very invested in it. She just seems to be a friend with benefits, an accessory to your lifestyle, and you can take her or leave her.
If one bad night and a spoiled party can make you so "disappointed" that you can't even bother to talk to her, even by text, then you might need to re-evaluate what you feel for this girl and if it's worth carrying on with something that isn't going anywhere.
By any chance were these other women more successful than her? She probably felt below them in some way and that she didn't "fit in" especially with her being from another country too. Granted trying to drink the problem away isn't ideal but I'd have possibly given her the opportunity not to come beforehand instead of trying to force her into it saying everything will be fine, you must have had some inclination it wasn't going to go well.
Saying that it doesn't really sound like you're all that interested in her anyway so I'd just tell her it isn't going to work out.
Saying that it doesn't really sound like you're all that interested in her anyway so I'd just tell her it isn't going to work out.
This.
Don't get me wrong, being 'in love' isn't supposed to be a cake walk. But the little fights you have (be it regularly or once every so often) should be just that, little fights, not big divisive episodes that have you question your status.
All people are different of course, but in that situation I'd have been by her side throughout the night. A foreign environment with people who she probably perceived as threatening given that you yourself admitted one was attractive... not the best chemistry for a happy lady friend and that's WITHOUT the drink. THEN to go on to say that next time you'd be bringing what essentially sounds like another 'girlfriend'...
I don't think anyone here would claim to be an expert. In fact, anyone at all who claims such a thing is as naïve fool. Eveyone's different, especially women. They're all so wonderfully bloody complex and layered. Personally, I find all the little jealous twinges and insecurities in my girlfriend incredibly endearing and attractive. Comforting her on them just brings us closer together. That's just what works for us though. My best mate and his lady friend go ham on each other when there's even the slightest problem, yet they're the best couple I've ever observed in there down time and have been dating for almost 12 years.
What's the big deal then? Not to say there's no middle ground between **** buddy and being in love, but if it's just casual then why should it be a problem :/
Having read it again it actually just sounds like you're trying to show her what she's missing and purposefully trying to make her jealous, then pushing her away because her giving a damn about you is too needy, she likely isn't being all that needy, you just see it that way as you're treating the whole thing quite casual and have little emotional attachment to her.
?????
I've been holding off on replying as there a lot of responses and want to give them correct attention when I get back from work, but just had to jump on this one!
In my mind I was trying to do something nice for her, invite her to the kind of party she wouldn't usually get to go to - I thought it would be a nice experience for her to get doled up and have a good time. These things are not an every week occurrence for me either, this was a once in a year thing for me at best!
I honest to god didn't flirt with anybody all night, I was at her side the entire time, I had my arm around her most of the evening at the party, I tried to get her to join in conversations. I know I'm not without fault, but I really did try - she even said the same thing in the morning, apparently I was lovely and she just had a moment.
Is there anything particular in my post that alludes to me playing games with her feelings?
You've told us right there in your post she's more invested than you so she's going to show more feelings towards certain behaviours that you simply aren't going to understand if you don't care a great deal.
Telling her next time you'll take a female friend is obviously playing games as well, there's no point even denying that.
Your mentality is a good one if you just want to be spinning plates but it's not going to work for any kind of long term relationship.
Telling her next time you'll take a female friend is obviously playing games as well, there's no point even denying that.
Your mentality is a good one if you just want to be spinning plates but it's not going to work for any kind of long term relationship.
She knows the friend in question really well, I've known her for donkeys years, nothing has ever ever ever ever ever happened, nor would it because I'm not interested and she married with kids. It wasn't something I said to upset her, but it was a statement of fact, next year I'll bring J along because she will be more comfortable in the environment!
I can see how it can be taken that way, at a push, but at the end of the day its me being brutally honest.