The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Gabbatek said:
You're either not a guy or have no guy friends :(

when you conquer a beauty, you discuss with your bro's
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lol tbh i only have one or two mates that brag about it. the rest are mature and chilled.

Dont worry. Back in the day we would chat about it! Now we just chat and moan about our other halfs annoying us lol.
 
My first proper relationship, she turned out to be a horrendously awful emotional abuser, but it took me a year being with her to truly figure out why I was so miserable. E.g.:

  • Constant random cold shoulder treatment when I did nothing wrong, then suddenly acting all affectionate again pretending like nothing happened, leaving me wondering what the hell was going on and questioning myself, slowly wearing me down over time. This happened constantly and nearly drove me literally insane, got me very depressed and persistently anxious about her feelings towards me.

  • Deliberately did things to make me jealous then turning it back onto me if I ever reacted to her 'deeds', making out like I'm being irrational. I later caught her out lying to me on multiple occasions about multiple guys.

  • Always trying to put a divide between me and my group of friends (including my brother) when it wasn't necessary, always telling me they treated her badly when I knew for a fact they weren't and would attack me whenever I tried to reassure her. I made a genuine effort to make her as comfortable as possible at all times, in the end it just seemed like she enjoyed the attention from everyone being extra nice to her and just came to expect it all the time.

  • Hid our relationship. Before we got properly together she was going on dates with somebody else besides me (exploiting his feelings towards her for car help), meanwhile telling me the whole time she wasn't interested in him. I'm not stupid though, and clearly I could see something was still going on. That was later confirmed once we got together when she asked me to not say anything if the guy started asking me about us... that completely threw any trust for her out the window. It also didn't help she kept sneakily chatting to him and other guys for months afterwards, until the guys themselves got bored with her.

  • Always twisted the knife on my guilt to its fullest extent every time I made any little mistake such as confusing future plans, and never passing up the chance to punish me as much as possible without mercy, even after realising to herself that she was overreacting. God forbid I would ever call her out on a mistake :D, she always made me feel like she didn't need me and would just break up with me if I had a got angry at her about anything.

  • And countless other things which would get me typing here forever... :rolleyes:
From all of this I was pushed to the point where I felt like it was all my fault and she wasn't to blame in any of it. By her own manipulation she engineered the relationship to the point where I was always on the backfoot regardless of everything I did for her, and she would always be the one calling the shots.

One day she found out I was talking about our relationship problems with my family, she completely flipped out and played the guilt card the hardest way ever, acting like I betrayed her trust etc etc, not once attempting to understand what drove me to it in the first place. I decided right then, enough was enough and walked out.

Took a while to figure out what sort of relationship it was, but looking back it's so clear now, should have listened to my family & friends rather than trying to defend her whilst blaming myself.

I later discovered she treated her previous boyfriend exactly the same way.

So glad to be out of that relationship, and learned a lot :rolleyes:
 
Heofz said:
So glad to be out of that relationship, and learned a lot :rolleyes:
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Some people are so weak and insecure the only way they can feel happy and safe is to grind everyone down so they can control everything, take advantage of everyone, have everyone falling at their feet and pandering to their every whim. All the time they are unhappy, because nothing is ever good enough, and they fear being left alone, which inevitably happens as in the end they push everyone away.

Glad you escaped, but it always amazes me that people can't see what is going on until they get out and see it from a distance. Shows you how good these kinds of monsters are at keeping their victims under control.
 
Ayahuasca said:
Hindsight is a wonderful thing but you should have bailed out way before that.
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Don't I know it :mad:

Steampunk said:
Some people are so weak and insecure the only way they can feel happy and safe is to grind everyone down so they can control everything, take advantage of everyone, have everyone falling at their feet and pandering to their every whim. All the time they are unhappy, because nothing is ever good enough, and they fear being left alone, which inevitably happens as in the end they push everyone away.

Glad you escaped, but it always amazes me that people can't see what is going on until they get out and see it from a distance. Shows you how good these kinds of monsters are at keeping their victims under control.
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Yep, I mean she has all these issues with anxiety etc and I'm 110% convinced she's on the spectrum too (her mum is apparently diagnosed bipolar), plus she didn't have the best upbringing, and her first relationship of 4+ years ended with him cheating on her which messed her up badly.

All of the above, coupled with the fact that it was my first serious relationship (thus I had no real frame of reference to know what was "normal" or not), meant I kept giving her the benefit of the doubt, and she knew this too and took advantage of my kindness and patience.

I was boyfriend #4 for her, so she knew exactly what she was doing, and it's now evident that she 100% knows how to 'play the game' whilst maintaining this 'poor innocent girl who just wants to be independent' routine.

Some people are poison, and now I'm armed with being able to spot the signs, so I guess in some weird way I'm grateful for that.

I just bought a house that she was eventually going to move into with her new puppy (whom she seemingly loved more than me)... this lesson only cost me a year of my life, for some unfortunate souls it's a lifetime so I guess that's a bullet dodged :cool:
 
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Heofz said:
My first proper relationship, she turned out to be a horrendously awful emotional abuser, but it took me a year being with her to truly figure out why I was so miserable. E.g.:

  • Constant random cold shoulder treatment when I did nothing wrong, then suddenly acting all affectionate again pretending like nothing happened, leaving me wondering what the hell was going on and questioning myself, slowly wearing me down over time. This happened constantly and nearly drove me literally insane, got me very depressed and persistently anxious about her feelings towards me.

  • Deliberately did things to make me jealous then turning it back onto me if I ever reacted to her 'deeds', making out like I'm being irrational. I later caught her out lying to me on multiple occasions about multiple guys.

  • Always trying to put a divide between me and my group of friends (including my brother) when it wasn't necessary, always telling me they treated her badly when I knew for a fact they weren't and would attack me whenever I tried to reassure her. I made a genuine effort to make her as comfortable as possible at all times, in the end it just seemed like she enjoyed the attention from everyone being extra nice to her and just came to expect it all the time.

  • Hid our relationship. Before we got properly together she was going on dates with somebody else besides me (exploiting his feelings towards her for car help), meanwhile telling me the whole time she wasn't interested in him. I'm not stupid though, and clearly I could see something was still going on. That was later confirmed once we got together when she asked me to not say anything if the guy started asking me about us... that completely threw any trust for her out the window. It also didn't help she kept sneakily chatting to him and other guys for months afterwards, until the guys themselves got bored with her.

  • Always twisted the knife on my guilt to its fullest extent every time I made any little mistake such as confusing future plans, and never passing up the chance to punish me as much as possible without mercy, even after realising to herself that she was overreacting. God forbid I would ever call her out on a mistake :D, she always made me feel like she didn't need me and would just break up with me if I had a got angry at her about anything.

  • And countless other things which would get me typing here forever... :rolleyes:
From all of this I was pushed to the point where I felt like it was all my fault and she wasn't to blame in any of it. By her own manipulation she engineered the relationship to the point where I was always on the backfoot regardless of everything I did for her, and she would always be the one calling the shots.

One day she found out I was talking about our relationship problems with my family, she completely flipped out and played the guilt card the hardest way ever, acting like I betrayed her trust etc etc, not once attempting to understand what drove me to it in the first place. I decided right then, enough was enough and walked out.

Took a while to figure out what sort of relationship it was, but looking back it's so clear now, should have listened to my family & friends rather than trying to defend her whilst blaming myself.

I later discovered she treated her previous boyfriend exactly the same way.

So glad to be out of that relationship, and learned a lot :rolleyes:
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If only you knew more about mental illness.

Reading between lines, this behaviour is classic borderline personality stuff, or at least the outward signs of it.

Google BPD to see how the crazy women behave, and it will all come together,

Push pull, hot cold, blah blah, textbook
 
Heofz said:
Some people are poison, and now I'm armed with being able to spot the signs, so I guess in some weird way I'm grateful for that.

I just bought a house that she was eventually going to move into with her new puppy (whom she seemingly loved more than me)... this lesson only cost me a year of my life, for some unfortunate souls it's a lifetime so I guess that's a bullet dodged :cool:
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You learned an important lesson, and in the end got out fairly lightly. It will stand you in good stead for every relationship going forwards. Being able to identify the genuine person behind the public façade will tell you if someone is honestly being themselves, or lying and manipulating you.

You sound like you came out a lot stronger, so good on you.
 
My partner is bipolar, we deal with it...

we are due to get married.

Told me yesterday she want's me to change an awful lot before the end of the month or she will leave me.

Not sure if a low patch or actual feelings..

Talk about a hard hand of cards to read...

Love her to bits but not sure if I can go the distance with her after this.

oh balls.
 
My mum is bipolar and when growing up i saw the immediate impact it had on her and her partners.

I really don't envy the situation and I hope you manage to work it through. My advice would be therapy, for both of you. An open forum with an independent person there can make all the difference.
 
Tone1979 said:
My partner is bipolar, we deal with it...

we are due to get married.

Told me yesterday she want's me to change an awful lot before the end of the month or she will leave me.

Not sure if a low patch or actual feelings..

Talk about a hard hand of cards to read...

Love her to bits but not sure if I can go the distance with her after this.

oh balls.
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That's a tough one. Firstly explain to her that you won't be changing anything. You are who you are. Don't change that. Secondly is there any way you could postpone the wedding while you work through this? Good luck.
 
She has done so much to help her deal with it and it has worked but when she goes polar it is BIG time... going from "she can do anything" to she can't breath and wants to die. It's tough.
 
Tone1979 said:
She has done so much to help her deal with it and it has worked but when she goes polar it is BIG time... going from "she can do anything" to she can't breath and wants to die. It's tough.
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Run for the hills and save yourself pain further down the line.
 
Tone1979 said:
My partner is bipolar, we deal with it...

we are due to get married.

Told me yesterday she want's me to change an awful lot before the end of the month or she will leave me.

Not sure if a low patch or actual feelings..

Talk about a hard hand of cards to read...

Love her to bits but not sure if I can go the distance with her after this.

oh balls.
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You can't change people, which is what she's trying to do to you. It's probably either a test or a way for her to get out of the marriage and blame you because you wouldn't be someone you're not. In the end can you spend your life walking on eggshells and pretending to be someone that you are not?

Bi-polar or any mental health issue is a big issue. If she's not on meds or they aren't helping, then you are going to have to deal with her and her massive mood swings. Are you prepared to deal with a life of that, and the times when she swings to an extreme and does things that might be the fault of being bi-polar, but which you might find very difficult to forgive or deal with?

You may love her, but can you live a life with her?
 
Tone1979 said:
I can, well, I want to.... I am sure I can do it. With my past I am sure I can work this out...
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Thing is, you can't fix her. It will be a life of the both of you managing her condition, hoping that there's a medical breakthrough in the future, and that she doesn't drive you away through her behaviour when she is at an extreme.

Are the good times worth the bad times, or are you just in a habit of dealing with all her issues and just hoping that you can fix her at some point in the future and everything will be a fairytale ending?

The way you talk about it, it makes it sound like you are shouldering all the emotional weight of the relationship, where the reality is she needs to want to be helped too. You won't "win" if she doesn't think there's a problem and you're having to fight against her all the time.
 
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yes, the good times are so worth it. She is amazingly caring and loving. It is just so hard when she goes the wrong way. She is away this weekend with her family so I am enjoying a beer and a relax.
 
OK heres a heads up....

Almost ALL Borderline personalities, and Bi-polar girls/women suffer from extreme insecurity.

So the lashing out, the bitchyness, the pushing away, the acting out to get you to say you've had enough and walk, its all because they feel rubbish about themselves, and believe they are not worth the time.

White knighting here is a one way route to insanity, and serious depression on your side. Alpha body builders, even soldiers have been reduced to councilling by these types.

Honest borderlines and Bipolars, mainly will say I need a strong man to put me in my place (or words similar) when they act out. They need to be told when enough is enough and what you do not accept.

Unfortunately most of the "weak" guys think they are doing some hero act by being all nicey and "understanding" when in reality the affected girl really needs strength, calmness, and someone who is totally 100% unflappable.

If you are not exactly this type of man, and you at ANY point question your OWN self when this type of behaviour is shown, you are on a one way ticket to fail.

If you are totally secure, confident, happy in yourself and 100% robust in everything you believe in, and nothing she does puts you off your life or your "game" so to speak, this is the only type of guy that can have a relationship with women like this.

Self analysis (honest self analysis is needed here) and the second you start questioning YOURSELF when these behaviours are shown, or "wondering what I did for her to be like this" its game over.

I dont mean all alpha like "bitch make my dinner or im gonna throw u down the stairs", I mean more along the lines of "Hey, ive found this recent behaviour totally unacceptable from your side, if you want me in your life, either tell me whats happening, or dont contact me until you are ready to act like an adult, or be respectful to me".

hope this helps.

PS I went through hell on Earth with someone who was undiagnosed BPD, (but it was so screamingly obvious) hot, cold, nice, bitchy, loved me, hated me, said things like "I dont want you to be in love with me" had childhood issues with her father, was gorgeous to look at, had problems with intimacy, one MINUTE was lovely, the next didnt speak for hrs on end. Best thing I ever EVER did was walk away and never look back. Took me a long, long time to get my sanity back. Maybe its still a work in progress...
Stuff like this makes you feel urself like a piece of ****, and its well documented that partners of people who suffer the main two types of illness (BPD and Bipolar) end up taking on the same emotions over time, so two of you end up feeling mental.
 
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TrafficMaster said:
Unfortunately most of the "weak" guys think they are doing some hero act by being all nicey and "understanding" when in reality the affected girl really needs strength, calmness, and someone who is totally 100% unflappable.

If you are not exactly this type of man, and you at ANY point question your OWN self when this type of behaviour is shown, you are on a one way ticket to fail.
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The problem is that the bi-polar/BPD/depressed woman can always raise the stakes to prove she's not worthy, and that when you walk away because she cheated, hurt the kids, put you into 50 grand of debt, etc, then it proves how unworthy she is because of the things she did and you obviously never loved her.

Are you going to be calm and unflappable when she decides the kids would be better off dead, or to sleep with a one-night-stand and see if you still love her? When someone refuses to seek help, because they don't like the meds or doesn't think there's anything wrong and they should just be accepted as they are. That's a lot of pain to go through if someone with mental health issues wants to push you to the limit and beyond.

There's a reason why so many people on here have posted about leaving those with mental health issues - because staying would destroy them too. It's a hard life to take on someone that needs you to constantly do all the emotional heavy lifting, and can still tear out your heart because of their mental health issues.
 
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