One liners

something daft already!! · 14 Jan 2017 at 15:48

I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I don't want to interrupt her.

I haven't slept for three days because three days is far too long to sleep.

The first time I got myself a universal remote I thought "this changes everything".

Say what you want about deaf people...

I have spent the last four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer but no-one will do it.

I saw a sign which read "Watch for children" and I thought, "that's a fair swap".

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, it was only gathering dust.

I was at a cash point and an old lady asked me to help her check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Kanpai · 14 Jan 2017 at 15:52

My name's Jeff

Diddums · 14 Jan 2017 at 16:59

This thread will amuse me greatly. Thanks OP

Jono8 · 14 Jan 2017 at 17:07

Are you Milton Jones?

Devrij · 14 Jan 2017 at 17:33

Can we at least have them in the walking dead rick and Carl meme?

Merlin5 · 14 Jan 2017 at 17:48

The inventor of predictive text has died. His funfair will be held on Sundial.

I threw a hedgehog at a dartboard. Scored 2536.

Whitewater · 14 Jan 2017 at 17:54

"Everyone laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian, they're not laughing now." Bob Monkhouse.

Clarkson · 14 Jan 2017 at 17:57

My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better.

Merlin5 · 14 Jan 2017 at 18:01

Dalai Lama goes into a pizza shop and asks "can you make me one with everything?"

I went out with a girl called simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

A scarecrow has won the nobel prize since he was out standing in his field.

Usher · 14 Jan 2017 at 18:09

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

antijoke · 14 Jan 2017 at 18:29

If you want to set up a business and run it that's your business.

Diddums · 14 Jan 2017 at 18:32

antijoke said:
If you want to set up a business and run it that's your business.

I was waiting for you. You didnt disappoint

antijoke · 14 Jan 2017 at 20:14

Diddums said:
I was waiting for you. You didnt disappoint

This thread was like the bat signal to batman.

cainer · 14 Jan 2017 at 20:17

Jono8 said:
Are you Milton Jones?

more like stewart francis

nick.lidgett · 14 Jan 2017 at 20:19

I dont hold anything against gay people and hopefully, I never will................

JoJay · 14 Jan 2017 at 20:24

My sister works for OVO,would you like to meter?

Tosno · 14 Jan 2017 at 20:31

How much does a Polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice.

Efour · 14 Jan 2017 at 20:41

ph0 said:
My name's Jeff

Mine too

robfosters · 14 Jan 2017 at 21:24

cainer said:
more like stewart francis

One of my favourite Stewart Francis one liners

Standing in the park, I was wondering why a Frisbee gets larger the closer it gets. Then it hit me.

Freefaller · 14 Jan 2017 at 21:41

Some of these are great!