One liners

skaif · 14 Jan 2017 at 21:45

These are brilliant! Keep em coming!

cheesyboy · 14 Jan 2017 at 21:57

Crime in multi story car parks. Wrong on so many levels.

Macro · 14 Jan 2017 at 22:04

That's my fave

something daft already!! · 14 Jan 2017 at 22:06

Hedgehogs, why not just share the hedge?

I'm on an Alcohol diet. I have lost three days already.

I have kleptomania, when it gets bad, I take something for it.

Sliver · 14 Jan 2017 at 22:09

My wife and I were happy for 20 years and then we met.

robfosters · 14 Jan 2017 at 22:23

My butcher bet me £100 that I couldn't reach the beef on the top shelf. I said "No, the steaks are too high"

kayomani · 14 Jan 2017 at 22:31

The local cheese factory blew up, the only thing left was de-brie.

robfosters · 14 Jan 2017 at 22:48

Two blokes I know were arrested for stealing batteries and fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

HoneyBadger · 14 Jan 2017 at 23:09

If I discovered a new animal I’d call it a Quorn to mess with vegetarians.

rodders · 14 Jan 2017 at 23:14

Why is a pea small and green? Because if it was big and red, it would be a fire engine

Django x2 · 14 Jan 2017 at 23:24

howiepoohs said:
I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I don't want to interrupt her.

I haven't slept for three days because three days is far too long to sleep.

The first time I got myself a universal remote I thought "this changes everything".

Say what you want about deaf people...

I have spent the last four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer but no-one will do it.

I saw a sign which read "Watch for children" and I thought, "that's a fair swap".

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, it was only gathering dust.

I was at a cash point and an old lady asked me to help her check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Oh Hi Tim Vine

benjii · 14 Jan 2017 at 23:42

"I see!", said the blind man who picked up his hammer and saw.

GravyMonster · 15 Jan 2017 at 00:00

I bought a thesaurus the other day. I got it home and found all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

Freddie1980 · 15 Jan 2017 at 00:02

The wife's mother is coming over next week. I can tell because all the mice have thrown themselves on the traps.

pieman109 · 15 Jan 2017 at 00:04

Man walks into a doctor's surgery, lifts his arm and says, "doc, it hurts when I do this", doctor says "well don't do it".
Courtesy Tommy Cooper, genius.

robfosters · 15 Jan 2017 at 00:06

pieman109 said:
Man walks into a doctor's surgery, lifts his arm and says, "doc, it hurts when I do this", doctor says "well don't do it".
Courtesy Tommy Cooper, genius.

And from the same man....

I broke my arm in 3 places yesterday, I said to the Doctor "what should I do?", he said "Don't go to those places"

GravyMonster · 15 Jan 2017 at 00:15

Dis86 said:
Why do most of those one liners have two sentences?

Because multiple sentences can fit on one line. The point is brevity, not grammar.

PapaLazaru · 15 Jan 2017 at 09:37

'I stand corrected!' Said the man in the orthopaedic shoes.

something daft already!! · 15 Jan 2017 at 09:48

I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!

Politicians and nappies have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

AndyCr15 · 15 Jan 2017 at 10:15

Dis86 said:
Some of them are full paragraphs! Anything will fit on one line if.you make the line long enough

There you go then, they're all okay