The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

manic111 said:
No idea what to do :(.

TLDR - in a good relationship with a girl which could/should have a serious future, but she's currently working abroad indefinitely and it's horribly tricky. Have met another girl who is fantastic and we get on really well, but no idea if she likes me in that way, and even if she did I can't decide whether to end it with the first girl for her.
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If you're not together, there's no point in being in a relationship. If she's abroad and you just get the occasional honeymoon period, then you don't really know each other as you're not living with each other. If you want to build it towards something, you have to both have a plan for her to get a job in the UK and relocate to be with you. Only then will you know if there is truly a future or if this is all just fairytale. If things get drastic, she would have to resign and move in with your and then find something after she's back in the UK.

The other girl is just a symptom of the (lack of) relationship that you currently have. You may want to pursue this new woman if you were free, and the fact that your girlfriend is actually an absence in your life rather than a presence is what is making you go down this train of thought. You have to decide if you and your girlfriend are going to commit to being together, and start working towards making that happen. If not, if it's just a future idea that you're not trying to make happen, then I feel your relationship is on a clock. You're already considering alternatives, and ways out to follow your interest in another woman who is actually there and not on the other side of the world.
 
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Steampunk said:
If you're not together, there's no point in being in a relationship. If she's abroad and you just get the occasional honeymoon period, then you don't really know each other as you're not living with each other. If you want to build it towards something, you have to both have a plan for her to get a job in the UK and relocate to be with you. Only then will you know if there is truly a future or if this is all just fairytale. If things get drastic, she would have to resign and move in with your and then find something after she's back in the UK.

The other girl is just a symptom of the (lack of) relationship that you currently have. You may want to pursue this new woman if you were free, and the fact that your girlfriend is actually an absence in your life rather than a presence is what is making you go down this train of thought. You have to decide if you and your girlfriend are going to commit to being together, and start working towards making that happen. If not, if it's just a future idea that you're not trying to make happen, then I feel your relationship is on a clock. You're already considering alternatives, and ways out to follow your interests in another woman who is actually there and not on the other side of the world.
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I think that's a really good summary of the situation.

The difficulty is that I would be very happy to wait for the first girl's week back to discuss it. She's said numerous times that she wants to move back, so it's more a question of how we can work together to get this to happen. Now, though, there's a bit more time pressure on me to make a decision as the second girl won't wait around forever, understandably!
 
manic111 said:
I think that's a really good summary of the situation.

The difficulty is that I would be very happy to wait for the first girl's week back to discuss it. She's said numerous times that she wants to move back, so it's more a question of how we can work together to get this to happen. Now, though, there's a bit more time pressure on me to make a decision as the second girl won't wait around forever, understandably!
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Wait for your girlfriend, talk it through and make a plan to get her back here. There will always be another girl along, and right now you don't even know if the second girl is interested in you. It is ridiculous to throw away a woman you care about because your head has been turned and you feel lonely. That's how teenagers behave, not a grown man. Choose who you are going to commit to, and make it happen. She's just got to change her job, it's not a difficult thing to do, probably easier than moving house, having babies and raising children. Presumably she had this job when you met, so you knew this was going to have to change sooner or later.

Otherwise you are going to be the guy cheating on his girlfriend while she's away working, telling her you couldn't be trusted, telling her you couldn't be a grown up without her, that your claims of love and a future were hollow and worthless. The new girl is nothing but a fantasy in your head until you pursue her, and you can't and shouldn't do that if you care about your girlfriend and want to build a life with her.
 
Steampunk said:
Wait for your girlfriend, talk it through and make a plan to get her back here. There will always be another girl along, and right now you don't even know if the second girl is interested in you. It is ridiculous to throw away a woman you care about because your head has been turned and you feel lonely. That's how teenagers behave, not a grown man. Choose who you are going to commit to, and make it happen. She's just got to change her job, it's not a difficult thing to do, probably easier than moving house, having babies and raising children. Presumably she had this job when you met, so you knew this was going to have to change sooner or later.

Otherwise you are going to be the guy cheating on his girlfriend while she's away working, telling her you couldn't be trusted, telling her you couldn't be a grown up without her, that your claims of love and a future were hollow and worthless. The new girl is nothing but a fantasy in your head until you pursue her, and you can't and shouldn't do that if you care about your girlfriend and want to build a life with her.
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You're quite right, thanks for the advice! It's been tough, and with girl 2 everything could be so much easier. However, you're absolutely correct in saying that that's a complete fantasy, and I need to attempt to sort things with the current girlfriend first.

Thanks :)
 
Does she really want to change jobs and move back to England? October is a long way and plenty of time to find something before then. Are you sure she isn't putting career first?
 
I posted a couple of pages back about a girl I was seeing who I had got back in contact with briefly, over the weekend she started messaging again and dropping massive hints, long as short of how the convo went was her asking if I'm single and what would I say if she wanted to come over. So I said I'd be cool with it, she made it seem like it was purely just a casual thing so I asked if that's what she wanted and the answer was yes. I said that's fine with me and if it works for both of us then there's no issues and even agreed to the day she said about, as soon as I agreed and said let me know it's suddenly "We'll see"

Seriously what is the point in getting back in touch, making convo and then basically putting it on me only to not commit at the end of it

I just don't understand....

Ive not replied since the last message of let me know which i think is the best way?
 
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Just wanted to stroke her own ego to see if you still wanted her, don't play into the hands of these children, no-contact and seek a woman not a girl.
 
Precisely that. It's all about control and power. She's just testing the water to see if you'll ask "how high?" when she says jump.
 
manic111 said:
TLDR - in a good relationship with a girl which could/should have a serious future, but she's currently working abroad indefinitely and it's horribly tricky. Have met another girl who is fantastic and we get on really well, but no idea if she likes me in that way, and even if she did I can't decide whether to end it with the first girl for her.
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You should spin both plates at a minimum, you're not married. You should never put all your eggs on one plate, especially when it's on the other side of the earth.
 
No, not if it's a relationship. You have to both be on the same page for this.
From what I gather this is much more than dating
Tosno said:
You should spin both plates at a minimum, you're not married. You should never put all your eggs on one plate, especially when it's on the other side of the earth.
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No, No, :)

We can both gather what we want (I gather it's an infatuation with the struggling of just keeping 2 plates spinning, like its something exotic) He hasn't told us if he agreed to be exclusive or not with her, there answers his question. If not why chase a far away plate that you only argue with, when you have a local plate on your door step, keep the far one spinning on the plate warmer in case the local one falls and smashes, or you will end up in a situation where you are crying all alone on here and feminists bathing in your male tears and posting it on facebook or something, like the one did yesterday in the papers.
 
Sorry for the slow response guys. We're definitely exclusive, so it's realistically a case of ending it with girl 1 or not pursuing it with girl 2. As far as I'm concerned, both girl 1 and I are putting a fair amount into making this work long distance, and while it's hard it's also great when we're together - I need to decide whether that's enough.
 
manic111 said:
Sorry for the slow response guys. We're definitely exclusive, so it's realistically a case of ending it with girl 1 or not pursuing it with girl 2. As far as I'm concerned, both girl 1 and I are putting a fair amount into making this work long distance, and while it's hard it's also great when we're together - I need to decide whether that's enough.
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I've hit this crossroads in a long distance relationship before.

I ended up quitting my job, ending the lease on my flat, selling posessions and moving island - from Guernsey to Jersey.

Things went well for the first month, then it all came crashing down. Was it worth it in hindsight? No. I won't make the mistake of moving for someone else again, it'd have to be the right move for me as well as "us".

I'd call Girl 1 up on it, try and find out what the plan is. Long distance can't be maintained long term if the goals are the standard marriage, kids, house together etc. Discuss long term plans, and get out if they're not aligned to what you envisage.
 
PermaChanged said:
I've hit this crossroads in a long distance relationship before.

I ended up quitting my job, ending the lease on my flat, selling posessions and moving island - from Guernsey to Jersey.

Things went well for the first month, then it all came crashing down. Was it worth it in hindsight? No. I won't make the mistake of moving for someone else again, it'd have to be the right move for me as well as "us".

I'd call Girl 1 up on it, try and find out what the plan is. Long distance can't be maintained long term if the goals are the standard marriage, kids, house together etc. Discuss long term plans, and get out if they're not aligned to what you envisage.
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Man that is rough, must have been hard to deal with?
 
PermaChanged said:
I've hit this crossroads in a long distance relationship before.
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If you don't mind me asking did you feel pressured to move there? I.e. you were the only one willing to make that change?

I'm in a LDR , have been for 3 years but the past year or so hasn't been easy. I originally planned to move and tried to sort a date last year but it kept being put off. Since then I've realised I don't really want to as all my family are here. He is just over an hours flight away so not like i could just hop in the car to see them.

Currently haven't seen him since Sept. Starting to feel like we have grown apart for too long now. I feel conflicted about what to do :/
 
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