The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Roar87 · 22 Jul 2017 at 07:42

Ayahuasca said:
I'm talking on looks alone, and when using tinder I did more than well enough not to require facial reconstruction thank you, it was quite enlightening actually as I wasn't anywhere near as cynical before I started using it, now I realise dating apps are not the place for finding LTR's, sure it can happen but it's very rare.

Of course you can strive to be a top 20% earner and post a profile picture in your brand new M4 but nothing beats physical attraction, you can be bottom of the barrel money wise and still slay pretty much all the prime women in your area if you have a top tier face. Such is life for Chad.

https://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=174438811

Get redpilled boys.

I swear to god m8 if you link me to bb.com like I'm some sort of non-lifting unaware I will neg you into oblivion

413x said:
Those body building forums are so cliché. It's as bad as the girl version. Just clones of each other. That's even how they talk in the gym. Makes me cringe a bit

But yeah obviously looks make a heap of difference. Its why I started going to gym after my breakup. Realised to give me the best chance at type of girl I want It helped to try to look better and keep my personality

You do realise most people on there don't actually take themselves seriously, there's a serious element to their points but most of it is just satire

Rids · 22 Jul 2017 at 13:46

Mrs just dropped a bombshell on me, doesn't feel the same way anymore and doesn't see her future with me. Only been together 20 months, started off as a bit of fun but things progressed so that it became more than that. Things were getting serious, talk of moving in together etc, but thats out the window now. She did the whole "Can we stay friends?" bit but I nipped that in the bud early, never going to work so just decided to call it a day.

Bit of a kick in the nuts as I was at the point where I was really starting to see a future in this. Aware that its easy to fall into the trap of self pity, so I'm going to throw myself back into the gym which I've been neglecting lately, have a 3 week boys trip coming up in October so already have something to look forward to. Life seems to be one step forward one step back at the moment, had so many big plans for next year, but I guess it just wasn't to be. Time to go and throw some (light) weights around to make me feel better.

James J · 22 Jul 2017 at 16:49

Rids said:
Mrs just dropped a bombshell on me, doesn't feel the same way anymore and doesn't see her future with me. Only been together 20 months, started off as a bit of fun but things progressed so that it became more than that. Things were getting serious, talk of moving in together etc, but thats out the window now. She did the whole "Can we stay friends?" bit but I nipped that in the bud early, never going to work so just decided to call it a day.

Bit of a kick in the nuts as I was at the point where I was really starting to see a future in this. Aware that its easy to fall into the trap of self pity, so I'm going to throw myself back into the gym which I've been neglecting lately, have a 3 week boys trip coming up in October so already have something to look forward to. Life seems to be one step forward one step back at the moment, had so many big plans for next year, but I guess it just wasn't to be. Time to go and throw some (light) weights around to make me feel better.

That sucks mate, but your outlook is a positive one. I've got myself in a pretty bad situation where I've spent far too much time around a girl whos heartbroken and now I fancy her. She feels the same way apparently but it just screams rebound to me so I need to do my best to avoid! Grim...

Guest2 · 3 Aug 2017 at 21:44

I've been dating someone for 11 weeks now and been on a grand total of 5 dates!
She drove around to my house a few days after the first the first date and we did stuff but I didn't 'smash her pasty' as she wanted to take things slow.
Fine I though, but now its 10 weeks on and nothing more has happened other than a few dinner dates (all which i've paid for) I thought she was no longer interested so asked and apparently not. Giving her the benefit of the doubt we went out tonight it still seems like all is well - Except when I kissed her at the end of the date, I got no feelings at all like after the first and second. Has the fire gone out so to speak? -at least for me

Asking her back after dates she has been too busy or said another night, but then she wants to meet again a week or 2 later. I really don't understand women

Rids · 3 Aug 2017 at 22:07

Two weeks on and I'm really not doing well, trying to be rational about the situation but heart is winning out over head and I'm a bit of a mess.

I've managed to the hit the gym every day since it we split, I'm working hard and I'm starting to see the benefits. The probem is that I left myself go more than I should have, so I've got at least 2 months work before I'm back in fighting shape.

Even when I get back in shape I'm not the most sociable person, I don't meet people easily. All my friends are at least 15 miles away, I work with a great bunch of people but they're either not very social or just not the sort of people I would find in my friend circle. Rationally I'm sure I'm just suffering from a case of oneitus but at the moment I just can't ever see me being in a position to meet somebody. My confidence is shot, I'm 34 years old and due a bad marriage and a series of mistakes I'm still renting somebodys spare room, and I have about £12k of debt left to go, I'm hardly a great catch.

I realise reading this it sounds like somebody needs to give me a good shake and tell me to snap out of it. I've been trying to tell myself the same thing but its not working, so I'm posting about it on an internet forum because this is probably the place I'll get the most reasonable advice.

ci_newman · 3 Aug 2017 at 22:13

Focus on the things that you can control, like the gym and clearing off your debt. Pick a new hobby and throw yourself into it

Broken Hope · 3 Aug 2017 at 22:32

Guest2 said:
I've been dating someone for 11 weeks now and been on a grand total of 5 dates!
She drove around to my house a few days after the first the first date and we did stuff but I didn't 'smash her pasty' as she wanted to take things slow.
Fine I though, but now its 10 weeks on and nothing more has happened other than a few dinner dates (all which i've paid for) I thought she was no longer interested so asked and apparently not. Giving her the benefit of the doubt we went out tonight it still seems like all is well - Except when I kissed her at the end of the date, I got no feelings at all like after the first and second. Has the fire gone out so to speak? -at least for me

Asking her back after dates she has been too busy or said another night, but then she wants to meet again a week or 2 later. I really don't understand women

You're paying for all the dates, she's probably enjoying the free dinners.

Guest2 · 3 Aug 2017 at 22:38

ci_newman said:
Focus on the things that you can control, like the gym and clearing off your debt. Pick a new hobby and throw yourself into it

Exactly what this guy said. I would personally recommend indoor climbing - win win situation. You learn a new sport, get super fit and it's easy to start conversations with other climbers "what are you working on... blah blah blah... you have someone number"

Broken Hope said:
You're paying for all the dates, she's probably enjoying the free dinners.

I thought this but she has money

413x · 3 Aug 2017 at 22:39

Broken Hope said:
You're paying for all the dates, she's probably enjoying the free dinners.

Yeah know a well doesn't think anything of carrying on 5 dates with a guy. It's not like she needs the money etc but I think it's just something for her to do. People are just like this. Call in off!

413x · 3 Aug 2017 at 22:42

Guest2 said:
Exactly what this guy said. I would personally recommend indoor climbing - win win situation. You learn a new sport, get super fit and it's easy to start conversations with other climbers "what are you working on... blah blah blah... you have someone number"

I thought this but she has money

What you shouldn't think of in this situation is 'ill be alone forever'. Just work on you. It's much more straightforward and controllable. You've acknowledged it, you're making changes.

If you like water sports I recommend an inflatable kayak. It's the best thing I've ever bought. Now 3 or 4 of us have one and we just go random places.

Anything that gets you active, out of the house and preferably meeting people is great

But work on you for you, not to get a new lady

Tosno · 3 Aug 2017 at 22:44

Guest2 said:
I've been dating someone for 11 weeks now and been on a grand total of 5 dates!
She drove around to my house a few days after the first the first date and we did stuff but I didn't 'smash her pasty' as she wanted to take things slow.
Fine I though, but now its 10 weeks on and nothing more has happened other than a few dinner dates (all which i've paid for) I thought she was no longer interested so asked and apparently not. Giving her the benefit of the doubt we went out tonight it still seems like all is well - Except when I kissed her at the end of the date, I got no feelings at all like after the first and second. Has the fire gone out so to speak? -at least for me

Asking her back after dates she has been too busy or said another night, but then she wants to meet again a week or 2 later. I really don't understand women

Oh dear, seems you are her plate, don't worry she will spin you just enough so you don't lose your spark and she keeps the free meals coming (unlike you)

Or you can be Alpha and state you want to smash her pasty and if she protests too much, next her and get another girl that you won't make the same beta mistakes on? Your choice.

ci_newman · 3 Aug 2017 at 22:50

Guest2 said:
Exactly what this guy said. I would personally recommend indoor climbing - win win situation. You learn a new sport, get super fit and it's easy to start conversations with other climbers "what are you working on... blah blah blah... you have someone number"

I thought this but she has money

Indoor climbing is great

more people should do it! It's an awesome strength workout

Guest2 · 3 Aug 2017 at 22:59

413x said:
Yeah know a well doesn't think anything of carrying on 5 dates with a guy. It's not like she needs the money etc but I think it's just something for her to do. People are just like this. Call in off!

From what she says she sounds busy all the time, so not sure if its just something to do. I'm also quite busy so there's a bit of that but i would still have called off other plans with friends / family to see her whereas she wouldnt have.

Tosno said:
Oh dear, seems you are her plate, don't worry she will spin you just enough so you don't lose your spark and she keeps the free meals coming (unlike you)
Or you can be Alpha and state you want to smash her pasty and if she protests too much, next her and get another girl that you won't make the same beta mistakes on? Your choice.

Spark is lost, that's why im on here posting! Oh well, have a climbing date tomorrow with someone that sounds more fun

I can keep her on the back burner and bin her off when I find that spark again with someone else

Roar87 · 3 Aug 2017 at 23:26

Guest2 said:
From what she says she sounds busy all the time, so not sure if its just something to do. I'm also quite busy so there's a bit of that but i would still have called off other plans with friends / family to see her whereas she wouldnt have.

Spark is lost, that's why im on here posting! Oh well, have a climbing date tomorrow with someone that sounds more fun I can keep her on the back burner and bin her off when I find that spark again with someone else

Women are never busy for Men they actually want to see, they'll move Hell and Earth if they like someone. Never fall for that excuse. Give them the benefit of the doubt once or twice, then call BS. The spark isn't lost, you're just not doing anything for her on these dates. No offence. I've messed up with women as well, but it wasn't the spark, it was the fact I wasn't attractive in how I spoke and acted.

By the way "taking it slow" isn't a real thing, you should always push as far as they'll go, if you manage to get sexual with them and you aren't smashing you messed up seriously at some point.

.Lethal · 4 Aug 2017 at 04:31

Rids said:
Two weeks on and I'm really not doing well, trying to be rational about the situation but heart is winning out over head and I'm a bit of a mess.

I've managed to the hit the gym every day since it we split, I'm working hard and I'm starting to see the benefits. The probem is that I left myself go more than I should have, so I've got at least 2 months work before I'm back in fighting shape.

Even when I get back in shape I'm not the most sociable person, I don't meet people easily. All my friends are at least 15 miles away, I work with a great bunch of people but they're either not very social or just not the sort of people I would find in my friend circle. Rationally I'm sure I'm just suffering from a case of oneitus but at the moment I just can't ever see me being in a position to meet somebody. My confidence is shot, I'm 34 years old and due a bad marriage and a series of mistakes I'm still renting somebodys spare room, and I have about £12k of debt left to go, I'm hardly a great catch.

I realise reading this it sounds like somebody needs to give me a good shake and tell me to snap out of it. I've been trying to tell myself the same thing but its not working, so I'm posting about it on an internet forum because this is probably the place I'll get the most reasonable advice.

The problem I see is that your reflecting on the debt, your bad state of mind and then looking into the future and convincing yourself that things won't change.

You need to give yourself a break and stop judging yourself. Going to the gym isn't to see big gains and attract girls, it's a distraction, a hobby or just something to get you out of the house. Anything you gain from the gym you should pat yourself on the back for working towards it. People suggest going to the gym because it's easy, you can go alone, anyone can do it but it also creates positive change mentally and physically over time.

The same goes with debt, don't think that it will take x time to pay it off and then get frustrated when things don't go to plan, pay what you can now and each time you do even if its £10 its still that bit closer to being gone.

It's a gradual process and nothing will immediately change.

At 34 you're still young.

Guest2 · 4 Aug 2017 at 07:25

Roar87 said:
Women are never busy for Men they actually want to see, they'll move Hell and Earth if they like someone. Never fall for that excuse. Give them the benefit of the doubt once or twice, then call BS. The spark isn't lost, you're just not doing anything for her on these dates. No offence. I've messed up with women as well, but it wasn't the spark, it was the fact I wasn't attractive in how I spoke and acted.

By the way "taking it slow" isn't a real thing, you should always push as far as they'll go, if you manage to get sexual with them and you aren't smashing you messed up seriously at some point.

All possibly true but i meant the spark for me. She was the one that went in to kiss me (i would have happily walked home snd left it at that) when she kissed me i felt nothing - as in not the same spark/feelings or whatever as when we first net / second date.
She's also from a different cultural background which may explain some things...not saying i didnt mess up somewhere but all women are certainly NOT the same

ci_newman · 4 Aug 2017 at 08:53

A woman who can climb (and climb properly) is likely to be very hot and very flexible

You should have some fun on the date

malachi · 4 Aug 2017 at 09:36

If a girl really likes you that much then they will make time to see you. No matter busy they are, basic time management skills. We all have them

Ayahuasca · 4 Aug 2017 at 09:39

malachi said:
If a girl really likes you that much then they will make time to see you. No matter busy they are, basic time management skills. We all have them

What if she has a high level career and isn't interested in Netflix and chill whilst browsing Facebook every night of the week?

Rannoch · 4 Aug 2017 at 09:40

ci_newman said:
A woman who can climb (and climb properly) is likely to be very hot and very flexible You should have some fun on the date

^^ This

I'm taking my gf to Glencoe today for some climbing if I can get it of bed first.