The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

NewGamer11 said:
Glad you're doing ok and able to manage sorting this stuff out. Maybe arrange some activities for yourself so that you've got something to look forward to?
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My focus at the moment is on finding a little bachelor pad to rent and what I'll do with the fairly substantial sum I'll get from the sale of the house. I'll pay off my personal debts, change my car (haven't decided whether new or second-hand yet), treat myself to a new PC and then speak to my brother's financial advisor as to what to do with the rest. I'll be fifty in two year's time, so I'm reluctant to tie myself to another 25 year mortgage, particularly when the interest rate is only going to go one way from now on.

Ironically, in breaking my heart (and she has - when I do have a bad spell it still really hurts), she's ensured that I'll begin my fifties in a lot better position financially than I would have done had we stayed together. We're making the best out of a bad situation.

413x said:
You're doing much better than I'd expect after such a long relationship. Keep yourself busy!
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Cooking for myself has become my new obsession - I'm not going to turn into Jamie Oliver overnight, but it's a start and oddly enough, my diet has never been so healthy. I've always loved fish, but my wife didn't, so I didn't have it that often - now however, sea bass, cod, haddock, mackerel, you name it I'm eating it, with the exception of salmon, which I still don't like.
 
@Adnams Drinker It can be a very liberating thing becoming a single bloke and although I wouldn't wish what you've been through on anyone it does seem like you're going to be absolutely fine mate. Cooking is excellent, I don't do it as much as I'd like these days but my absolute favourite thing to cook is a proper roast dinner, me doing it myself is the only way to get it perfect.

I'm genuinely pleased you're doing so well all things considered... don't worry too much about the emotional set backs you'll have from time to time, they're perfectly normal. Just one day at a time as you're doing now.
 
Adnams Drinker said:
My focus at the moment is on finding a little bachelor pad to rent and what I'll do with the fairly substantial sum I'll get from the sale of the house. I'll pay off my personal debts, change my car (haven't decided whether new or second-hand yet), treat myself to a new PC and then speak to my brother's financial advisor as to what to do with the rest. I'll be fifty in two year's time, so I'm reluctant to tie myself to another 25 year mortgage, particularly when the interest rate is only going to go one way from now on.


Cooking for myself has become my new obsession - I'm not going to turn into Jamie Oliver overnight, but it's a start and oddly enough, my diet has never been so healthy.
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All sounds great, enjoy.

@secretspy - It'll take him a lot of time to get over it. It's great that you've supported him so far. Has she met someone else? People usually have an intuition about these things.
 
secretspy said:
That was over 18 months ago and it's just still so messy. My sister won't talk to us about any of it. We've had to hear about what's going on from my brother in law or my nephew and niece.
Her husband has been more like a brother to me in the 27 years that I've known him than my actual brother. I've tried being his agony aunt I guess but he's just not listening to my advice (even though his counsellor has told him the exact same thing!)

I just don't really know how to get through to him that he has to let go. He just seems to go around in circles. He says he's letting go and then 2 days later we hear they've had a row and then he gets all insecure and starts saying he thinks she's met someone else. And we go right back to square one again :/
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Are they still living together? Bit confusing that they are still having rows if not unless it's at visitation times?

I'm afraid you can't really help someone that won't help himself. Sometimes you just have to let them bash their head against the wall for a while until they realise how stupid it is. I've seen another situation before where someone wouldn't leave an abusive partner no matter what anyone said to them. It just took time. :(

The thing is that once you get involved, it starts wearing you down as well. :o
 
secretspy said:
Adnams Drinker - your post sounded slightly familiar to my sister's situation so I read your original post. I can't even begin to imagine how it must have felt but am glad you're doing ok and that it seems to have remained amicable (if that's the right word.) And I second New Gamers comment about finding something to do.

Sadly with my sis it's a whole other ball game and I feel stuck in the middle. She decided after 26 years that she didn't love my brother in law anymore and things had actually been naff for 3 years leading up to it. (Although she apparently changes her mind and says it's 7 years before.)

That was over 18 months ago and it's just still so messy. My sister won't talk to us about any of it. We've had to hear about what's going on from my brother in law or my nephew and niece.
Her husband has been more like a brother to me in the 27 years that I've known him than my actual brother. I've tried being his agony aunt I guess but he's just not listening to my advice (even though his counsellor has told him the exact same thing!)

I just don't really know how to get through to him that he has to let go. He just seems to go around in circles. He says he's letting go and then 2 days later we hear they've had a row and then he gets all insecure and starts saying he thinks she's met someone else. And we go right back to square one again :/
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There's an awful lot of parallels as you say. In my case, my wife said she loved me like a brother, as opposed to like a husband or not loving me at all - in either case, not grounds for the marriage to continue. She said to me recently "If we'd stayed together, we'd have ended up killing each other ...", metaphorically speaking. Only the nature of her feelings had changed - I adored her as much as I ever had and despite her many hangups about herself (the usual woman stuff), still fancied the pants off her. Even now, the love for her has started to fade, but the animal attraction is still there and I think always will be.

What's not clear from your post is whether your sister and her husband are still living together - if they are, the tension must be absolutely unbearable. I know how awkward it was living with my wife in the run-up to the day she left - it was only a matter of a couple of weeks, but I swear it was the longest two weeks of my life. Poor bloke - I know exactly how he feels. For his own dignity and sanity, he needs to get out - although it will be messier for them given that they have children (I'm assuming the nephew and niece you mentioned).

Interesting that he's the one with a counsellor - in our case, it was my wife who had the counsellor ... she was made redundant from her job at the local council in March/April this year and took it really badly. When they make people redundant, the council provide counselling for the employee (a luxury we in the private sector don't get!) - obviously once it started, her counsellor picked up that it wasn't only the loss of her job that was making her unhappy and the whole can of worms was opened ...
 
They're no longer living together thankfully. It was the start of 2016 that she told him she no longer loved him and he moved in with a mate to see if the space helped as she agreed to give it a few months. He ended up being there for a year before moving back as his mate wanted his place back to himself. Of course tensions ran high after that until they finally sold the house. He's now in a new place with both kids (who are adults now. My sis didn't want them living with her though). My sis is renting and I think there's some resentment there. She got half from the house so can easily afford to buy but for some reason wants to save more :/ she didn't want the dogs but still wants to visit them.

She's also been helping him for work so they've still been in contact for that though I told him months ago to get someone else to take it over. She initially saw a counsellor but she's not really one to open up and apparently the counsellor told her to take him for every penny he's got ! (Professional!)
I told him to go see one again because he wasn't listening to me or anyone else and he's since said he should've because the advice was the same as mine.

There seems to be a lot of digs here and there from her and she has also confused him at times implying there was a chance of reconciliation but because he's not being nice to her it's now off table. (Mainly throwing that one when theyre rowing)

It's sad because I know how much he adores her and theirs was a relationship that I looked up to.

I've made it clear to both that I'm not taking sides. They're both family to me but as mentioned above it does bring me down a lot.
What makes me sad is my sis has changed a lot. I barely know who she is. She never wanted to hang out with me when she was with my bro in law and then after they separated she wanted to do things. Then she made new friends online and dropped me.
I heard from my nephew that she was dissing me behind my back because there were a couple of occasions that I said no to cinema :/
Then it's comments to my niece that I don't talk to her. I don't text regularly but I see her and invite her to things. I can't talk to her about what's going on if she won't talk back. I just can't win.

I don't think she's met someone else I think it's just his insecurities getting the better of him
 
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You probably already told him this but he should cut all contact or to a very bare minimum at least. It’s the only way to get over stuff like this.

I think it’s cruel when people don’t openly say they’re not interested or there is no chance of reconciliation but they probably don’t want to look like ‘the bad guy’.
 
NewGamer11 said:
You probably already told him this but he should cut all contact or to a very bare minimum at least. It’s the only way to get over stuff like this.

I think it’s cruel when people don’t openly say they’re not interested or there is no chance of reconciliation but they probably don’t want to look like ‘the bad guy’.
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Yeah I've been telling him that for ages.

That's the thing I don't get. She's said time and time again to him she doesn't want to be with him anymore,Doesn't feel that way etc then when they're having an argument she'll say something along the lines of well there was a chance of getting back together but you're not being nice now so that's gone.
It's just a complete mind ****. I just don't get why she says things that imply she does want to get back together.

She has also said before about remaining friends but I've told him you can't do that straight away. They need a break first. Go off and do their own thing and get over all of this anger and hurt
 
Just to help counter some of the doom and gloom, I got engaged last night :D

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Is there any regarded etiquette to dating whilst having casual sex?

Background -
I went on a first date 2 or 3 weeks ago with girl a and it went well. We arranged to meet again however I messaged and cancelled as she was busy with work a lot and long term it wouldn't work easily.
I then go on a first date with girl b, which also goes well and sounds like it will work better long term

Girl a messages me and basically says she really fancies me and wants sex, fantastic I went to see her and expect I will again soon.

If things go well with girl b on the second date do I keep quiet about girl a or just crack on and carry on dating girl b / have sex with both? (if that's what girl b is after too)
 
ci_newman said:
In my opinion, when you start dating and having sex you should be exclusive.

Date around but not sleep around. IMO of course :)
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One girl a while ago I had been on 6 dates with and didn't have sex so thought this time whilst it was offered on a plate after just one date, why not accept it. I had only been on one date with the other girl and it could end up like before where it seemed like she just wanted to date but nothing else

secretspy said:
Guest2 - either don't sleep with them or be honest that you're dating/sleeping with another girl.
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Already slept with one. She knows i'm dating other people. The other girl I have been on one date with, I will be honest but doesn't seem appropriate to just come out with "hi... by the way I been having sex with someone else" on the second date. If she asks, I will be honest but and tell her sure but if she doesnt ask, do I just not say anything?
 
If it got to the point where it looked like you might end up sleeping with girl B you should say something. Yes it's not an easy thing to just come out with but IMO it would be disrespectful not to. (I know from experience it's not nice to find out after the deed has been done)

Does girl A know that there's a possibility of you sleeping with other people? I know you say she's aware you're dating but there is a difference between the two lol.
 
Guest2 said:
Is there any regarded etiquette to dating whilst having casual sex?

Background -
I went on a first date 2 or 3 weeks ago with girl a and it went well. We arranged to meet again however I messaged and cancelled as she was busy with work a lot and long term it wouldn't work easily.
I then go on a first date with girl b, which also goes well and sounds like it will work better long term

Girl a messages me and basically says she really fancies me and wants sex, fantastic I went to see her and expect I will again soon.

If things go well with girl b on the second date do I keep quiet about girl a or just crack on and carry on dating girl b / have sex with both? (if that's what girl b is after too)
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If the second date with girl B goes well, end with A or just do A and no longer see B. Thing is, A sounds like she has an A/B/C and lots of D. It doesn't sound very exclusive with A and B will expect that with her.
 
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