The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

ChrisD. · 13 Nov 2017 at 11:16

Ayahuasca said:
Has she seen it as you still having feelings towards her?

I think so. I don't though, I'm just a caring person and would not want to be going through what she is. Also her dog is to be given to me in her Will so that may have been part of the conversation. But it was cut short as she had to go.

SC0TTRS said:
Not surprising is it? You must like arguments!

Yeah I guess.

Captain · 13 Nov 2017 at 11:54

That’s not going to end well, every time she sees that dog she’ll be reminded of the time you and your ex were together.

ChrisD. · 13 Nov 2017 at 11:58

Hadn’t thought of it like that.

malachi · 13 Nov 2017 at 12:02

This is the reason why you should never keep in touch with an ex unless you have kids.

CUT
TIES
COMPLETELY

Its unfair to anyone else who comes new into your life and will only lead into arguments later on.

I don't understand why you was on the Will if you had broken up. I would have had myself removed.

Cold Fusion · 13 Nov 2017 at 12:05

Or you can try and be rational adults............. oh sorry this is humanity were talking about

Ayahuasca · 13 Nov 2017 at 12:06

I've never been a particularly jealous person and there's no area of that scenario that would bother me at all, I wouldn't even mind my GF visiting the ex in hospital in your case with roles reversed. You gave an insignificant amount of your time to try and comfort someone you spent years of your life with who by the sounds of it is in a very bad place and you came clean on it right away, if anything it shows you're a pretty good guy.

NewGamer11 · 13 Nov 2017 at 12:15

malachi said:
Its unfair to anyone else who comes new into your life and will only lead into arguments later on.

Eh? No. In terms of the general principle yes but when the ex is in hospital there is nothing wrong with showing some empathy. Dick move from @ChrisD.’s missus IMO.

SC0TTRS · 13 Nov 2017 at 12:23

What would everyone else do in that situation? Just curious.

Steampunk · 13 Nov 2017 at 12:26

NewGamer11 said:
Eh? No. In terms of the general principle yes but when the ex is in hospital there is nothing wrong with showing some empathy. Dick move from @ChrisD.’s missus IMO.

Yep, she turned it into a "me or her" situation, where it would compromise something that ChrisD considers to be a basic point of humanity. If she doesn't trust him, she should have turned up with ChrisD to support him and let everyone concerned knows she has skin in the game.

SC0TTRS said:
What would everyone else do in that situation? Just curious.

It would depend how it ended with the ex, and how your new woman would deal with it. If the ex had a new man, then I'd stay well clear, as your replacement should be doing whatever it is you were going to do.

SC0TTRS · 13 Nov 2017 at 12:36

ChrisD. said:
We split on good terms and although we are not friends as that would never work, we have been in touch now and then.

So your not friends, so by definition wouldn't speak to hear, but you stay in touch? :confused:

Doesn't make sense? i'm I reading this wrong lol

dave1983 · 13 Nov 2017 at 13:29

I hope i am not the only guy here who is beginning to hate mobiles aka (facebook, wassap, instagram).

Me and my wife have had multiple arguments about these electrical devices, i come from work and she is constantly on it to a point she actually sleeps with it. our marriage isn't great by all means and this device is some of the issue, as any guy would like some sort of female interaction particularly with our jobs we don't always get time together.

When i suggested that we should it least do a date night (for a meal) every month, she came up with 100 excuses why not as we have 2 kids and her hours of work, which really didn't feel me with confidence and i feel that she thinks this marriage is more of a chore (stuck in a rut).

I said to her that if things dont change in the marriage then it might be best to separate, i can't change her habits and it doesn't help when at weekends with 2 kids running riot she's on her phone instead of helping or they want her attention.

we went out Saturday and met some friends, didn't even take my phone with me and went to a restaurant, nobody had their phone out except one person now normally i don't say something but this time i did. I even compromised with my gaming nights i.e. on a Friday or when she's working and suggested that it least till the kids are in bed we should making an effort with the kids.

Ayahuasca · 13 Nov 2017 at 13:38

It's a very common trend now dave and one I've actively had to work on myself, I'll regularly leave my phone upstairs now and out of the way on a night to avoid unconciously picking it up and using it for what must have added up to hours on an evening. Most of that was reading threads on here or some interesting articles and threads on various other sites but even though it was a bit more stimulating than FaceBook and what not it was still taking time away from real interaction, it's helped tremendously and so has giving up gaming even when I have the free time for it, I'd find myself in a weird mood if I'd spent a few hours gaming then her coming home to socialise, like I wasn't in the right mindset for it. As good as technology is it's having a massive effect on how we socialise and many aren't introspective enough to see the damage it's causing or simply don't care

I have no suggestions other than the obvious ones but with a wife and 2 kids I'll leave it to others on here in a similar position to make suggestions.

dave1983 · 13 Nov 2017 at 14:08

It's not the main issue in our marriage, but definitely contributes towards it as we don't talk if there are problems. she will normally text me over wassap about our issues as texts can always come out the wrong way. I get that she wants to keep in contact with her friends and don't want to seem controlling, but when im at work and the kids are out at school and nursery she has all the time in the world to speak to her mates and see the latest drivel on FB.

413x · 13 Nov 2017 at 14:12

I'm actually with the
'no contact after split unless kids'

As has just been demonstrated you were just caring and it's blown up on you.
If no contact the situation wouldn' have arisen.
Dick move by current gf, but I can see how she could be pertrbed by it. Esp if she's had a bad past involving something or is just jealous. And as said, dog thing is going to be tough. (but I agree with taking it, I miss my dog too).

But life would have just been easier with no contact. It's probably the most important aspect I take from my past - no contact is best.

If you keep in contact (as you did) you couldn't really avoid this

.Lethal · 13 Nov 2017 at 14:24

413x said:
I'm actually with the
'no contact after split unless kids'

As has just been demonstrated you were just caring and it's blown up on you.
If no contact the situation wouldn' have arisen.
Dick move by current gf, but I can see how she could be pertrbed by it. Esp if she's had a bad past involving something or is just jealous. And as said, dog thing is going to be tough. (but I agree with taking it, I miss my dog too).

But life would have just been easier with no contact. It's probably the most important aspect I take from my past - no contact is best.

If you keep in contact (as you did) you couldn't really avoid this

If they split mutually and are on terms where there's little contact but both care for each others well beings then him phoning to check how she is doing is perfectly reasonable.

The issue is that he called to check on her then told his current girlfriend. If I was in his position and was going to do that I'd have let my girlfriend know the situation first and that I was going to see how she was then perhaps current girlfriend would have handled it differently.

It's not really a dick move by his girlfriend, it's more about how it's happened.

A2Z · 13 Nov 2017 at 14:26

Ayahuasca said:
I've never been a particularly jealous person and there's no area of that scenario that would bother me at all, I wouldn't even mind my GF visiting the ex in hospital in your case with roles reversed. You gave an insignificant amount of your time to try and comfort someone you spent years of your life with who by the sounds of it is in a very bad place and you came clean on it right away, if anything it shows you're a pretty good guy.

Agreed, if there is trust then it should not be a problem.

A2Z · 13 Nov 2017 at 14:27

dave1983 said:
I hope i am not the only guy here who is beginning to hate mobiles aka (facebook, wassap, instagram).

Me and my wife have had multiple arguments about these electrical devices, i come from work and she is constantly on it to a point she actually sleeps with it. our marriage isn't great by all means and this device is some of the issue, as any guy would like some sort of female interaction particularly with our jobs we don't always get time together.

When i suggested that we should it least do a date night (for a meal) every month, she came up with 100 excuses why not as we have 2 kids and her hours of work, which really didn't feel me with confidence and i feel that she thinks this marriage is more of a chore (stuck in a rut).

I said to her that if things dont change in the marriage then it might be best to separate, i can't change her habits and it doesn't help when at weekends with 2 kids running riot she's on her phone instead of helping or they want her attention.

we went out Saturday and met some friends, didn't even take my phone with me and went to a restaurant, nobody had their phone out except one person now normally i don't say something but this time i did. I even compromised with my gaming nights i.e. on a Friday or when she's working and suggested that it least till the kids are in bed we should making an effort with the kids.

Do you have any nights away booked just you both? If not book some. Sounds like you need some time to each other.

malachi · 13 Nov 2017 at 16:56

NewGamer11 said:
Eh? No. In terms of the general principle yes but when the ex is in hospital there is nothing wrong with showing some empathy. Dick move from @ChrisD.’s missus IMO.

That don't wash with me. If I was bad way and in hospital. I would expect my partner to be there but not ex's girlfriends. Why on earth would they be!?!?! Unless they were bringing one of my kids to see me.

Tek81 · 13 Nov 2017 at 18:05

Just wanted to say thanks to those who have been good enough to offer advice re my situation. I'll update in a few months.

NewGamer11 · 13 Nov 2017 at 18:23

malachi said:
That don't wash with me. If I was bad way and in hospital. I would expect my partner to be there but not ex's girlfriends. Why on earth would they be!?!?! Unless they were bringing one of my kids to see me.

If the ex has a new partner fair enough. I may be reading in to it too much but when Chris says "not in a good way" I take it that it's fairly serious. If I'd been with someone for 6 years and had split on good terms I would have some concern for that person! From what I'm reading it is his missus who seems massively insecure. If she's that jealous she could some along too.