The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

krooton said:
Normal things are all pretty much crap, even expensive £200 stuff from Lelo.

The Vibra King is an antique (made in the 50s), built like a brick, and mains powered :D
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Ayahuasca said:
Have you tried being dominant? Hard to fake if you aren't that type of guy or have the presence but it's definitely a thing as well for some, not just physically either it can be a mental thing for women to want to feel dominated and to truly submit.
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She's dominate with me, but no haven't really tried anything with her. Asked 100 times what she wants in the bed and the answer is always back massages. That is the extent of what shes after in the bedroom.

Like she will do anything (within reason) for me but is getting nothing from it herself apart from 'too see me happy/what I want' but as its so one sided its hard not to feel like something is missing. She hates oral on her for example as she sees it as 'dirty'
 
Not sure how you have managed to get 8 years into a relationship for this to become an issue?!

That aside its good that you are now addressing it.

My misses loves oral, always has. Its not dirty unless she is dirty down there - in which case we have a bigger issue.
 
Sounds like its head stuff with her, like a deep seated issue that leaves her feeling she shouldn't enjoy sex because its dirty and not something she should enjoy.

At least she wants to please you though, that proves she does care about you even if she can't get herself to feel free enough to enjoy sex. I'd still think its something she could get over but maybe its going to take lots of time. As for the fb thing, girls can just enjoy the contact and intimacy that sex brings without the need to climax, its not quite as black and white as men tend to be.
 
Musty Pie said:
Not sure how you have managed to get 8 years into a relationship for this to become an issue?!

That aside its good that you are now addressing it.

My misses loves oral, always has. Its not dirty unless she is dirty down there - in which case we have a bigger issue.
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Well thats the thing it was never really an issue because she didnt want it to be. Trust me I have tried.
I guess because of the faking, her fling before me bringing up anxiety issues like actually shes not telling me the truth about our sex life etc its all very much in the limelight whereas it was not before.
 
peige said:
Sounds like its head stuff with her, like a deep seated issue that leaves her feeling she shouldn't enjoy sex because its dirty and not something she should enjoy.

At least she wants to please you though, that proves she does care about you even if she can't get herself to feel free enough to enjoy sex. I'd still think its something she could get over but maybe its going to take lots of time. As for the fb thing, girls can just enjoy the contact and intimacy that sex brings without the need to climax, its not quite as black and white as men tend to be.
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yeh I guess il try talking about it all tonight to her again, hopefully it doesnt blow up in my face like it normally does.
 
iamtheoneneo said:
Would love others perspective of my current situation with my wife (2 years, together for 8 total). We have always had a healthy sex life even 8 years in, its one a week minimum whereas my friends and hers don't have it for months. I am considerably more sexually motived than she is.

The issue really is that right from the outset she made it clear that she doesnt really get anything from the act as she has no release. (This release just doesnt happen even solo, so its not be just being appalling)
Recently I confronted her about over-egging noises in the bedroom which I suspected for some time, which she admitted too and said it was a learnt behaviour from her first boyfriend and she has always done it. I get and accepted this. Anyway after my ego got knocked a bit from that we agreed she wouldn't go crazy with noises anymore - good for the most part.

My biggest issue now is that yes I basically get laid at my beck and call as she wants to please me etc, but it feels super hollow. Like its great to get my socks off , but knowing she gets nothing from it has got to be the biggest turn off of the century.

Im hyper confused also as before we met she had a work fling for a few months but claims it was driven not by sex but more needing companionship (she was single for about 2 years) but it was very much set up like f buddy status if you get what I mean. I know that was then and this is now, but I guess you can say im having a bit of an identity crisis about our sex life.
Any advice/thoughts?
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What most women don't realise is that it's important for a man to please a woman. Without that, it does feel a selfish act, and most men feel that they've not performed adequately if their partner hasn't got something (not necessarily an orgasm) out of sex. In the same way that your wife want to please you and make you happy, you want to do the same for her. She obviously has some issues, but they are more likely to be psychological than physiological. In the first instance, she has to admit there is an issue and want to work with you to help solve it. Maybe you should explain to her how it makes you feel to know that she's missing out on the kind of enjoyment of sex she should be getting, that you're not satisfying her, and that she won't engage with you about it. She needs to realise how important it is to you that you're not just selfishly having fun while she's "bearing it". There's not much more of a turn-off than knowing your partner isn't getting anything out of the sex or that she's doing it just for you.

A good first step would be to get her a Hitachi vibrator, as these are actually recommended by sex therapists. Though the Hitachis are difficult to get in the UK, there are many people like Lovehoney that do their own versions that are very good. There are books such as "Becoming Orgasmic: A Sexual and Personal Growth Programme For Women" by Julia R. Heiman and Joseph LoPiccolo from Amazon that will give you a place to start and a set of things to work through.

If she has really no libido or arousal, then maybe you should see professional medical help (ie referral from your GP), as it really is considered abnormal to not be able to orgasm at all, and there are treatments (eg "female viagra" type drugs) that may help and improve both your sex lives.
 
thanks steampunk. you hit the nail on the head. sure I can orgasm but knowing she's got nothing of any sort of satisfaction out of it is soul crushing. I guess I have always accepted her ways/definitions as to why as it's really hard to sit her down and talk about her really as she just says that she is broken and tries to close the discussion.

I guess if I try and approach it to how it makes me feel then it may help

She has a gp appointment soon about her PND so I will recommend she at least brings it up then to see of there is medication to help.
 
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My situation with my Ex last year was the opposite; I stopped being able to climax, which is much more difficult to hide. I'm not sure if it was because I started to fancy her less and less, the relationship wasn't going too well (arguments etc) or we were just in a rut. I am a little fortunate in that I have figured out how to make my manhood 'twitch' like the climax 'death rattle' which helped to hide it, but clearly the issue wasn't sustainable. It meant I instigated sex with her less and less, and replaced it with solo efforts, which made it more difficult still to 'finish' when I did initiate sex with her.

I ended the relationship at the start of the year, but had resolutely zero luck with females at all this year, which has really been getting me down. I have found myself wondering if some very occasional sex in a fairly difficult (well, toxic towards the end) relationship is better than nothing at all :(
 
JonnyT said:
My situation with my Ex last year was the opposite; I stopped being able to climax, which is much more difficult to hide. I'm not sure if it was because I started to fancy her less and less, the relationship wasn't going too well (arguments etc) or we were just in a rut. I am a little fortunate in that I have figured out how to make my manhood 'twitch' like the climax 'death rattle' which helped to hide it, but clearly the issue wasn't sustainable. It meant I instigated sex with her less and less, and replaced it with solo efforts, which made it more difficult still to 'finish' when I did initiate sex with her.
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I had a similar issue with my ex but it was at the start of the relationship instead, I couldn't climax for a few months at first, still to this day have no idea why, must have been something to do with being my first relationship and being nervous or something. Luckily it solved itself anyway!
 
I always have the same issue with randoms I bring home. Usually end up finishing off the next morning in round 2 :D
 
413x said:
I understand what you mean to an extent.
I'm super sensitive to any sign of fakery.
It' not great as I can tell almost instantly if my gf is not into it. And then I lose it myself if I sense this, but I always know. (overthinking)

I personally couldn' be with someone who did it to please me. I hate to feel serviced. And get no enjoyment from it.
I'd also worry 'why'.

Have a less drastic issue myself with my gf in that it's not that frequent and thus anxiety builds in my head. And it' balanced at the point of I put much pressure on myself each time because it' rare. Worry that because it' rare if it goes bad it' a bad sign etc etc.

For me once a week is 'enough', once every 2 weeks plays on my phyche. It' close to the later and I'd say is the only issue I have trouble with. Sounds like it' only issue you have trouble with in your relationship. When it plays on your mind it can be destructive. It is for me anyway.

I've tried doing what my gf says, but like you (I guess) I hate having to instigate it.
For me it's I always think say she' too tired etc. But at same time wants me to initiate.
She wouldnt say yes to please me (thank goodness).

If I was you I'd try as many things as possible, toys, etc. Anything she' open to. But if nothing works. I couldn' handle it myself.
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Your Misses sounds a lot like mine, we have sex around once a week sometimes it's great and sometimes not. it normally ends up with me giving her a back massage to a point it's a routine :rolleyes: , back massage then sex which kinda takes the enjoyment out of it.

I sometimes feel that it's on her terms for example it's always when we go to bed which can be anywhere between 10-11pm and by that point my libido drops and the only position we do is missionary which normally ends with "are you getting on top":o and hurry up an finish. I even brought some toys to spice up our sex life even done different naughty games to try and get out of the rut. But i got grief from planning a romantic night because the end game would lead to sex bearing in mind when we split about 2 years ago she was a horny rabbit.

advice to people who want to get married "don't":D unless you wants your balls on a platter.
 
sigma said:
Just signed up to match...
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Given the amount of grief people say they have with online dating, I wonder if traditional agencies are still a thing. I remember back around 2000 a couple of my workmates met their now wives through an agency (might have been for graduates or something).

It looks like they still exist, at least to cover the niche of the Undateables. :p
 
Has anyone tried the site friends meet ? (Or something along those lines)

I'm not ready to start dating again any time soon (and the thought of it freaks me out!) but I wondered if it's a better site to use rather than match etc.
 
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