The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

So I spoke to the Mrs last night and well it went as well as I thought it would. She listened but essentially said her libido is non existent and wasn't really willing to try anything to raise it. At one point she said 'she would rather do the dishes'

So Im in this really odd place with it all. On one hand I can get it when I want because she wants to please ,but on the other hand if I do i'm just going to feel like crap afterwards and ultimately in the long run its going to damage me.

We went to bed last night and was given a choice as it was late and she wanted to sleep, cuddles or sex - I chose cuddles.

Marriage is fun!
 
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iamtheoneneo said:
So I spoke to the Mrs last night and well it went as well as I thought it would. She listened but essentially said her libido is non existent and wasn't really willing to try anything to raise it. At one point she said 'she would rather do the dishes'

So Im in this really odd place with it all. On one hand I can get it when I want because she wants to please ,but on the other hand if I do i'm just going to feel like crap afterwards and ultimately in the long run its going to damage me.

We went to bed last night and was given a choice as it was late and she wanted to sleep cuddles or sex - I chose cuddles.

Marriage is fun!
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A healthy sex life is part of a healthy relationship. Tell the wife if she wants to please you, she needs to come with you to see a sex therapist. Otherwise you will reach a point where sex is such an empty thing for you, you won't want to do it with her. She might be happy with that, but then you'll be miserable in a sexless marriage, and it'll only be a matter of time before you go looking elsewhere for physical and sexual intimacy that doesn't end up making you feel like ****.
 
Steampunk said:
A healthy sex life is part of a healthy relationship. Tell the wife if she wants to please you, she needs to come with you to see a sex therapist. Otherwise you will reach a point where sex is such an empty thing for you, you won't want to do it with her. She might be happy with that, but then you'll be miserable in a sexless marriage, and it'll only be a matter of time before you go looking elsewhere for physical and sexual intimacy that doesn't end up making you feel like ****.
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Thanks
Well we have already had the conversation about me getting it elsewhere (easier said then done of course) and honestly Id rather not let it get to that point as it will probably destroy us, but at the moment with her refusing to budge really on anything apart from trying viagra, I know I am fighting a losing battle.

Biggest problem is that all the relationships in my friend circle and hers have pretty much shut down in the bedroom department and thats giving her ammunition to claim its 'normal'

She knows I hold a lot of value in sex and general compliments but shes not willing to do either - with the compliments she says she 'thinks them but cant put them into words', then she will wonder why I doubt her when she says she loves me, finds me attractive etc.
 
iamtheoneneo said:
Thanks
Well we have already had the conversation about me getting it elsewhere (easier said then done of course) and honestly Id rather not let it get to that point as it will probably destroy us, but at the moment with her refusing to budge really on anything apart from trying viagra, I know I am fighting a losing battle.

Biggest problem is that all the relationships in my friend circle and hers have pretty much shut down in the bedroom department and thats giving her ammunition to claim its 'normal'

She knows I hold a lot of value in sex and general compliments but shes not willing to do either - with the compliments she says she 'thinks them but cant put them into words', then she will wonder why I doubt her when she says she loves me, finds me attractive etc.
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This behaviour is definitely not normal. Frequency might drop, but her complete lack of arousal is definitely not normal. As has already been said, you need to seek professional help as a couple or accept that your relationship is likely going to fail. This is having a big effect on you emotionally and she needs to understand that. You want to spend the next 30-40 years of your life together, and this is not something that you could (or should) suffer for this long.

She is hiding from the fact that something is wrong and it will hurt her to accept that, but for your sake she needs to do so.
 
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It does grate me that once you get into a routine relationship that sex, in my experience anyway, seems to dry up (no pun intended) and seems to move over to the girlfriends terms. My sex drive has always been insanely high though, even many years into relationships.
 
dave1983 said:
advice to people who want to get married "don't":D unless you wants your balls on a platter.
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Well I must be one of the unusual ones, been married now almost 5 yrs and we still go at it like bunnies:p

It does help that I’m hung like a horse :p
 
ChrisD. said:
It does grate me that once you get into a routine relationship that sex, in my experience anyway, seems to dry up (no pun intended) and seems to move over to the girlfriends terms. My sex drive has always been insanely high though, even many years into relationships.
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The problem is Wife/GF get comfortable and don't have to chase so 90% of the time they do it to please their partners, they feel they don't have to put the effort in and my wife is the same, i even suggested tonight that she plans the naughty night and to get out of the comfort zone her response "i don't like going out of my comfort zone" and that the naughty wife is dead. Which leads me to believe that unfortunately some women feel it's a chore to anything remotely romantic and would rather watch the great British bake off than get under the sheets. And trust me doing all the dishes or doing the laundry aint going to work in a mans favour because they would see that as a bargaining tool.
 
dave1983 said:
The problem is Wife/GF get comfortable and don't have to chase so 90% of the time they do it to please their partners, they feel they don't have to put the effort in and my wife is the same, i even suggested tonight that she plans the naughty night and to get out of the comfort zone her response "i don't like going out of my comfort zone" and that the naughty wife is dead. Which leads me to believe that unfortunately some women feel it's a chore to anything remotely romantic and would rather watch the great British bake off than get under the sheets. And trust me doing all the dishes or doing the laundry aint going to work in a mans favour because they would see that as a bargaining tool.
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You should be doing the dishes and laundry as a matter of course, it should never count as brownie points.
 
ci_newman said:
You should be doing the dishes and laundry as a matter of course, it should never count as brownie points.
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True dat! A household should be jointly run, it's not the woman's job.

I'm glad my missus is a bit of a sex fiend (she's the one that introduced me to the kinkier side of life, haha).
 
Try everything you can to fix it and if it’s still not working then I’d honestly say you need to find someone else if sex is a big part of a relationship for you, particularly if you’re still young, can’t go through your 20/30/40’s like that it’ll drive you mad and you’ll be sat in the work toilets bashing one out over the latest receptionist.
 
.Lethal said:
To be fair, he never said he didn't
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i do my fair share of the household chores , i'm just saying as a principle that some men not all think that by doing more household chores will get you a lot more nookie. I have been down that road before my wife still tries it sometimes and trust me it's not pretty. But being a husband and parent cleaning the house is part of responsibility of being an adult.
 
secretspy said:
Has anyone tried the site friends meet ? (Or something along those lines)

I'm not ready to start dating again any time soon (and the thought of it freaks me out!) but I wondered if it's a better site to use rather than match etc.
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It's been so long since I last signed up to a site online but it's taken seconds to bring back that cattle market feeling. I actually can't stand such sites :( I think I'm going to try to meet thing too. Try to find people with similar interests as that is far more natural than scrolling through pages of faces!
 
**** online dating is depressing, usually I have no problem talking to women but getting back into this lark of writing the first message etc is a ball ache, I'm actually not sure why I signed up, well I know why but I wonder if it was the right thing to do.

I guess I should look at the positives...
 
sigma said:
**** online dating is depressing, usually I have no problem talking to women but getting back into this lark of writing the first message etc is a ball ache, I'm actually not sure why I signed up, well I know why but I wonder if it was the right thing to do.

I guess I should look at the positives...
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Go out, talk to women. Online is the pits.
 
RoboCod said:
Go out, talk to women. Online is the pits.
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Out where, in town? That's just as bad as online I feel and again just a numbers game.

Clubs and groups are something I'm looking into though.

Work is a possibility but all the nice ones are taken.

I think it's easier just being single but unsure I'll feel that way in 20 yrs time...
 
sigma said:
Out where, in town? That's just as bad as online I feel and again just a numbers game.

Clubs and groups are something I'm looking into though.

Work is a possibility but all the nice ones are taken.

I think it's easier just being single but unsure I'll feel that way in 20 yrs time...
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Online is awful and it is definitely just easier being single.
 
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