The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

valve90210 said:
I can totally feel where you're coming from, and in fact it was only a week or so ago that I was posting along the same lines in this very thread (here and here). I t is hard to be relaxed but it does gradually get easier :)
Click to expand...

Thanks makes me not feel so bad about it lol I did stupidly ask her Sunday night if she still wanted to date and see me and she did say she did think it was a bit too intense and not use to having so much attention :rolleyes: but if we could back off and take things slow which I said is fine.

I did get told so now time to chill out and take things as it comes if it isn't too late already lol!
 
leon4112 said:
Thanks makes me not feel so bad about it lol I did stupidly ask her Sunday night if she still wanted to date and see me and she did say she did think it was a bit too intense and not use to having so much attention :rolleyes: but if we could back off and take things slow which I said is fine.

I did get told so now time to chill out and take things as it comes if it isn't too late already lol!
Click to expand...

I can heartily recommend taking to a huge diy task...I for example have kept busy stripping and painting my kitchen doors!! lol
 
valve90210 said:
I can heartily recommend taking to a huge diy task...I for example have kept busy stripping and painting my kitchen doors!! lol
Click to expand...

+1 I've been occupying my time sanding and varnishing my lounge/dining room floor, and then priming and painting the skirting boards. You get a real sense of accomplishment and achievement, but the worst thing is the 'comedown' afterwards when the void you've been filling with that job re-appears :(
 
JonnyT said:
+1 I've been occupying my time sanding and varnishing my lounge/dining room floor, and then priming and painting the skirting boards. You get a real sense of accomplishment and achievement, but the worst thing is the 'comedown' afterwards when the void you've been filling with that job re-appears :(
Click to expand...

I've been using the diy to keep myself busy and distracted from my brain trying to do it's best to make me into a paranoid self-doubting lunatic that wants to message the person I've seen a few times at every possible opportunity, in order that I look like I'm a normal person! lol

I'm fortunate in that my house is one enormous project so I've got so many jobs to try to do that I could be busy for a year!! lol
 
Problem is now you end up keeping yourself busy and trying not to message and speak to the person you want to it will end up fizzing out its a stupidly hard line too little and too much!!!! I've mostly accepted it now and just going to leave the making plans and contact up to her to a certain extend if she wants to meet again or do something she will have to say :)
 
Last edited:
leon4112 said:
Problem is now you end up keeping yourself busy and trying not to message and speak to the person you want to it will end up fizzing out its a stupidly hard line too little and too much!!!! I've mostly accepted it now and just going to leave the making plans and contact up to her to a certain extend if she wants to meet again or do something she will have to say :)
Click to expand...

Best way is to make future plans now so at the very least you have those to look forward to rather than it being a big unknown on your mind.
 
leon4112 said:
Problem is now you end up keeping yourself busy and trying not to message and speak to the person you want to it will end up fizzing out its a stupidly hard line too little and too much!!!! I've mostly accepted it now and just going to leave the making plans and contact up to her to a certain extend if she wants to meet again or do something she will have to say :)
Click to expand...

I think girls like chasing someone who they think is not totally available, someone who gives a bit of push back to their pull, they like a bit of mystery & challenge instead of having a guy bend over backwards to accommodate them, otherwise you just come across needy and put them off. It's a bit of a psychological game of pretending to care less than you do that is much harder if you don't have enough people and projects in your life to actually distract and occupy yourself with in those times. If you have only been dating for a little while and haven't had 'the chat' about exclusivity, you are in a probationary period and still figuring each other out, so any red flags early on will likely cause the relationship to cool off much more rapidly than if you are at a more committed stage, it is indeed a tightrope sometimes. If you are going to message her, I would say be funny and relaxed, be casual and don't pressure her into any commitments, but hint and open the conversation in that direction to give her opportunity to initiate if she wants, you have to read the signals and her level of interest, then respond in kind.
 
Never message twice I'd say.
Being unavailable is also good. Appearing over keen is not great.

Ideally you will have genuine reasons to not be available all time anyway. But if not I'd make them up. Not being difficult, just saying something likes 'sorry I can't make that night but I'm free x, y and z'

It's annoying but it is true that being too keen is never great
 
Where do people stand on sending Christmas cards to an ex's family? I'm considering doing so. Her family (grandparents especially) were very good to me and we got along very well. Also, I knew some of them years before I met her. It seems a shame to cut them off after such a long time. Opinions welcomed.
 
Rids said:
Am I being a penis?

Have been in touch with my ex on and off since we split up 4 months ago. For 3 months I was feeling extremely low and actively trying to win her back, she saw the worst side of me, my depression was in full swing, and although I got back into shape I certainly wasn't somebody that a sane person would consider dating.

A month ago I went on holiday for 3 weeks with the boys. It was great, it was everything that I needed and it pulled me out the slump that I was in. I felt good about myself for the first time in ages, I was getting attention from women, I realised that there is no reason I'm going to end up alone which was one of the things that was filling me with doubt before I went away. I made a decision while I was out there that I would cut ties for good (or at least for a long time!) with the ex. I still care about her, she still cares about me, but neither of us could be what the other wanted us to be and it made no sense to keep torturing ourselves.

So saturday just gone I arranged to go for a meal with the ex to say goodbye. It was my birthday, it was something we'd had planned for a long time, we had a slap up meal, we got very drunk, and I told her that is was time to say goodbye. We had a last kiss and a cuddle, we said goodbye for good, it was hard but it was also the right step.

Sunday morning she sent me a text, and we had a chat over video call for a good 90 minutes. She said that she finally realised that she had lost me, and that nobody had ever treated her as well, she always thought we would work out, etc etc. Stupidly I arranged to go into London to meet her for a drink that night. We did, it was great, again we had a cuddle and talk turned to if we could make things work.

Somehow we are now going away to Bruges together in 4 weeks... not sure how that happened, but it did. Part of me really doesn't mind, we always have fun when we are together and some of that old spark is back, but I'm also having doubts... is she only acting this way because she has had her safety blanket pulled out from under her? Until now she always had me to fall back on, I'm not going to be that for her anymore, either we make it work as a couple or we are not in eachothers lives at all. Bruges is booked, but I'm having massive second thoughts as to if its a good idea and if she is just playing games.

Have I made a huge mistake?
Click to expand...

Humans have a tendency for wanting what they can't have; it looks like you've unintentionally ran some game. After the holiday in Bruges, make sure you ignore her for at least one week to really get her mind going and the emotional investment will be too much for her to say no to rekindling this relationship.

Yes you're being a penis, so by doing that last thing you'll be living up to your name in its entirety.
 
tek81 said:
Where do people stand on sending Christmas cards to an ex's family? I'm considering doing so. Her family (grandparents especially) were very good to me and we got along very well. Also, I knew some of them years before I met her. It seems a shame to cut them off after such a long time. Opinions welcomed.
Click to expand...

If you’ve kept in touch since the split then it seems pretty normal. If not then it seems a bit odd, like you’re sending it for your benefit, not theirs.
 
tek81 said:
Where do people stand on sending Christmas cards to an ex's family? I'm considering doing so. Her family (grandparents especially) were very good to me and we got along very well. Also, I knew some of them years before I met her. It seems a shame to cut them off after such a long time. Opinions welcomed.
Click to expand...

Her family, not yours. I wouldn’t send a card.

Why are you asking now? Is this the first Christmas since you split?
 
Clov!s said:
Her family, not yours. I wouldn’t send a card.

Why are you asking now? Is this the first Christmas since you split?
Click to expand...

The_Abyss said:
If you’ve kept in touch since the split then it seems pretty normal. If not then it seems a bit odd, like you’re sending it for your benefit, not theirs.
Click to expand...

Yep, first Christmas since the split about two months ago. Under normal circumstances I wouldn't entertain the idea of sending cards. However, one of her elderly family members in particular I've known for longer than her. I used to work as a community support officer and would visit her home to check on her well being. It was through her that I met my ex. Prior to meeting my ex, I'd known this lady for a couple of years and we would always exchange cards. The issue now however, is that if I send one to her and not the other members of her family (who live in very close proximity and visit on a regular basis), they might wonder why. This issue is also compounded by the fact that my ex has not told any of her family yet, probably because she knows how they'd react. Also, I'm still in contact with her mum who also doesn't know about any of this.
 
tek81 said:
Yep, first Christmas since the split about two months ago. Under normal circumstances I wouldn't entertain the idea of sending cards. However, one of her elderly family members in particular I've known for longer than her. I used to work as a community support officer and would visit her home to check on her well being. It was through her that I met my ex. Prior to meeting my ex, I'd known this lady for a couple of years and we would always exchange cards. The issue now however, is that if I send one to her and not the other members of her family (who live in very close proximity and visit on a regular basis), they might wonder why. This issue is also compounded by the fact that my ex has not told any of her family yet, probably because she knows how they'd react. Also, I'm still in contact with her mum who also doesn't know about any of this.
Click to expand...

So her family still think you are together?
 
Tell the family next time you're in contact with them. Then send the elderly family member a card. In a difficult situation it's usually best to be honest. Your ex may or may not have told the family but as you're not together then you need to make your own decisions.
 
Make this the last card to the elderly family if you do send one. Time to move on.

Her family should be told!
 
Clov!s said:
Bit strange why she won’t tell them?
Click to expand...

I can only speculate, but probably because they'd think she'd lost her mind. Also, seeing as how I didn't give her a solid reason (or any reason in my mind) to leave me, this is squarely on her, so I doubt she even knows what to tell them. At least, not in a manner that doesn't make her look at fault. I did say to her the last time we spoke, that I hope when she's telling people why it all ended, that she doesn't make me out to be a complete jerk. She said she wouldn't, but then I have zero faith or trust on what she says now, so....
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom