This is something I don’t understand, what difference does it make to them why you are over? She doesn’t have to justify to them why you and her aren’t together, surely she can just say it’s finished?
The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread
- Thread starter mattyprice4004
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This is something I don’t understand, what difference does it make to them why you are over? She doesn’t have to justify to them why you and her aren’t together, surely she can just say it’s finished?
Her family are somewhat "fragmented". She has essentially disowned her father and she only started building a relationship with her mother after we met. I suspect she's worried that this might strain relations.
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Being the first Christmas since our breakup, I will be sending my wife’s parents a card, for two reasons:
- I have nothing against them - there’s big mutual respect and they’ve been ‘my other parents’ for over 25 years ... her Dad in particular has been an awesome drinking buddy
- I often wonder what they must think, especially this time of year, having seen both their daughters’ marriages fail - they’re of the mindset that you work things out instead of divorce
What I won’t be doing is sending one to my wife herself - if she sends me one I’ll reciprocate, but otherwise not. My mindset currently is one of treating her as coldly as she treats me.
Soldato
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Just need to vent a little, why is it that my brain takes something that's been said to me and warps and twists it and makes me feel like it was a negative thing to hear and now my head literally feels like it's spinning?
I broke things off with my fiance on Friday, we had been together 9 years, we own a house and we were due to get married in April. Given that time-frame things were VERY far along in the planning. She's moved to her mums for the time being.
I've been struggling with panic attacks in the night on top of depression the last few months and slowly realised it was because this isn't the life I want right now and I wasn't in love with her.
She adores me and I'll never find a girl who worships the ground I walk on like she does but I just can't return those feelings any more for some reason, we get on like best mates but that's it.
She is obviously absolutely destroyed, she's off work because she can't cope and I feel absolutely rotten about it, not that I expect any sympathy for that. There are some real low moments when I think about the damage I am doing her, the amount of stuff that is going to need sorting and how bad it is going to look. Yet at the same time I feel far more sound mentally and more alive than I have for months.
If I married her I could see my life being a 6.5/10. I'd be ticking along with a lot of regrets but financially very comfortable, she would be my best friend but not my lover if that makes sense.
I've been struggling with panic attacks in the night on top of depression the last few months and slowly realised it was because this isn't the life I want right now and I wasn't in love with her.
She adores me and I'll never find a girl who worships the ground I walk on like she does but I just can't return those feelings any more for some reason, we get on like best mates but that's it.
She is obviously absolutely destroyed, she's off work because she can't cope and I feel absolutely rotten about it, not that I expect any sympathy for that. There are some real low moments when I think about the damage I am doing her, the amount of stuff that is going to need sorting and how bad it is going to look. Yet at the same time I feel far more sound mentally and more alive than I have for months.
If I married her I could see my life being a 6.5/10. I'd be ticking along with a lot of regrets but financially very comfortable, she would be my best friend but not my lover if that makes sense.
@Beasty Breaking up with someone is never an easy thing if you have even some emotional attachment to the person. But ultimately if you've only just realised how you feel and have complete conviction this isn't just cold feet then you've done the right thing. It would be far more cruel to go through with the wedding etc and breaking her heart then.
@Beasty Sounds like you've made the right decision, so many people go ahead with marriage feeling the way you do knowing they'll be miserable or regretful down the road. Not exactly a win either way but far better doing it beforehand.
Not my relationship but my brothers, he's recently (last few weeks) found out that his wife has been seeing another man for quite a while and she's asked him to move back to my mums so she can 'work things out in her head' as to what she wants.
This translates to me to 'I want to see how it goes with this fella and if it doesn't work out I'll just have to stick with you'.
The woman is hated by my entire family because she manipulates people into thinking that she is the victim and this is no different. She is blaming everything on him but my brother is one of the nicest people I know who would do anything for anyone and she takes advantage of it.
He of course wants to take her back as he does love her but I'm going to try and do my best to make sure that doesn't happen.
She's done this before as she was married when my brother met her so 'once a cheater, always a cheater'.
He doesn't want anyone to know as he is too embarrassed / wants to protect her which I think is crazy! I would be shouting it from the rooftops and if he doesn't do it soon, I'll damn well do it on his behalf!
To make things worse there are 2 kids involved. 1 is his and the other 1 is from another marriage. The 1 from the other marriage is a great kid and it will suck not having him in the family but I'll make sure I'm still there for him.
On top of all of this, my sister has had a child with a guy who she isn't married too and there is a worry (from my mum) that he's been seeing his ex due to him being tagged in a few of his posts in places when he's meant to be somewhere else...
I've got enough stress in my life because of a new job and having all this to deal with is just making it worse.
I can't help but feel guilty that I have a good and happy life, married to a wonderful woman and a great job where anything is possible for me.
*sigh*
This translates to me to 'I want to see how it goes with this fella and if it doesn't work out I'll just have to stick with you'.
The woman is hated by my entire family because she manipulates people into thinking that she is the victim and this is no different. She is blaming everything on him but my brother is one of the nicest people I know who would do anything for anyone and she takes advantage of it.
He of course wants to take her back as he does love her but I'm going to try and do my best to make sure that doesn't happen.
She's done this before as she was married when my brother met her so 'once a cheater, always a cheater'.
He doesn't want anyone to know as he is too embarrassed / wants to protect her which I think is crazy! I would be shouting it from the rooftops and if he doesn't do it soon, I'll damn well do it on his behalf!
To make things worse there are 2 kids involved. 1 is his and the other 1 is from another marriage. The 1 from the other marriage is a great kid and it will suck not having him in the family but I'll make sure I'm still there for him.
On top of all of this, my sister has had a child with a guy who she isn't married too and there is a worry (from my mum) that he's been seeing his ex due to him being tagged in a few of his posts in places when he's meant to be somewhere else...
I've got enough stress in my life because of a new job and having all this to deal with is just making it worse.
I can't help but feel guilty that I have a good and happy life, married to a wonderful woman and a great job where anything is possible for me.
*sigh*
His wife has been seeing another man and she wants HIM to move out... **** that, the hoe can move out herself.
If he wants to stay a full-time father to their child, he should stay in the marital home and stay with his child until the divorce is sorted.
Your brother absolutely should not take her back.
If he wants to stay a full-time father to their child, he should stay in the marital home and stay with his child until the divorce is sorted.
Your brother absolutely should not take her back.
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His cluck level is over 9000. He needs a solicitor.
Damn straight! Jesus what a whimp, sorry but your bro needs to grow a pair and send this whore packing and just take care of the kids. What a bitch that woman is.
Red flag right there!
Sorry, only your brother is at fault here. He shouldn't of started a relationship with her in the first place.
Why is this stressing you out? Sure, he's your brother and you want to support him, but it's not really your place to sort out his marriage. It's not like he's going to listen to you when you tell him to take off his rose-coloured spectacles and dump the cheating wife. You can advise and support, but you won't change people until they want to change. If you're stressed out by your own life, sort that out and make sure your own life stays on track before you get involved in other people's train crash of a life.
Why should you feel guilty that you made good choices and they made bad ones? You can't control other people, only the choices you make. Other people have to make their own choices in life. You can help them, but you can't fix them.
Yeah there's no need to feel guilty about being secure in yourself, your brother's insecurities likely rubbed off on her or she's likely extremely insecure herself, I've never seen a relationship work out in insecure people, secure women despise insecure men and secure men usually get rid of insecure women as it's a sign they'll likely cheat down the road with the constant need for attention and not feeling good enough.
TLDR: Don't get in long-term relationships until you've sorted yourself out and even then be very careful who you marry or have children with.
TLDR: Don't get in long-term relationships until you've sorted yourself out and even then be very careful who you marry or have children with.
Soldato
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Well today was a really hard day, I broke up with my girlfriend a week or so ago, things weren't going right. Today I went and got the rest of my stuff and had to say goodbye to her little one that i'd bought up from birth as my own, although he's only turned one recently, It really hurt to say goodbye and it's all i can think about 
Looking for a bit of advice on this one.
Me and the girlfriend usually see each other around 4 times a week (we both work in London although we live about 1.5 hours away from each other), however, work has been super busy recently so I've been unable to message/call as much and by the same token, I haven't been able to see her as much. This has caused me a headache in the past because she wants to be able to get in touch and see me whenever I can, which of course worked in university but this is not realistic now that we are both working and things are getting busier. In the past week, I have worked way beyond my normal hours and into the night, however her job isn't keeping her too busy and she often finds herself with free time on her hands. It's also a pressure on me because when we do meet, she'll want to meet as near to 5pm as possible because that's when she finishes whereas the absolute earliest I could ever possibly leave work is 6pm (although I feel 7pm would be more reasonable).
In the past week, we met twice - once for lunch on Tuesday because she was nearby on training and once on Friday for dinner, which I do not think is that unreasonable.
All in all though, this has been a ball ache and on Saturday I decided to spend some time with a few mates (some of which she doesn't like) which caused a massive argument because it apparently meant I would be giving her "slow replies". Come on, slow replies? Who gives a ****? This then led to a huge argument in which I told her she's being immature, my hours will probably only get worse as time goes on and she needs to be more understanding. She then diverted the conversation to my overall attitude and demanded I come home by midnight to talk to her, so that her pre-birthday celebration today doesn't get ruined (yes, I know
). When I refused she also said it is testament to where my priorities are at.
I'm just praying to God her next rotation at work keeps her more busy than the current one because this is getting ridiculous.
Am I being unreasonable? Of course, I have probably subconsciously posted a rosier view of how I've handled the situation (I wasn't nice about it after it entered argument territory because after a stressful week, all I wanted to do is enjoy the bloody weekend).
How do I deal with this in the nicest way possible? She is very sensitive and I can find myself being insensitive if I don't think things through, meaning the whole being 'direct' approach often doesn't work and just sees things descend into an argument.
Me and the girlfriend usually see each other around 4 times a week (we both work in London although we live about 1.5 hours away from each other), however, work has been super busy recently so I've been unable to message/call as much and by the same token, I haven't been able to see her as much. This has caused me a headache in the past because she wants to be able to get in touch and see me whenever I can, which of course worked in university but this is not realistic now that we are both working and things are getting busier. In the past week, I have worked way beyond my normal hours and into the night, however her job isn't keeping her too busy and she often finds herself with free time on her hands. It's also a pressure on me because when we do meet, she'll want to meet as near to 5pm as possible because that's when she finishes whereas the absolute earliest I could ever possibly leave work is 6pm (although I feel 7pm would be more reasonable).
In the past week, we met twice - once for lunch on Tuesday because she was nearby on training and once on Friday for dinner, which I do not think is that unreasonable.
All in all though, this has been a ball ache and on Saturday I decided to spend some time with a few mates (some of which she doesn't like) which caused a massive argument because it apparently meant I would be giving her "slow replies". Come on, slow replies? Who gives a ****? This then led to a huge argument in which I told her she's being immature, my hours will probably only get worse as time goes on and she needs to be more understanding. She then diverted the conversation to my overall attitude and demanded I come home by midnight to talk to her, so that her pre-birthday celebration today doesn't get ruined (yes, I know
). When I refused she also said it is testament to where my priorities are at. I'm just praying to God her next rotation at work keeps her more busy than the current one because this is getting ridiculous.
Am I being unreasonable? Of course, I have probably subconsciously posted a rosier view of how I've handled the situation (I wasn't nice about it after it entered argument territory because after a stressful week, all I wanted to do is enjoy the bloody weekend).
How do I deal with this in the nicest way possible? She is very sensitive and I can find myself being insensitive if I don't think things through, meaning the whole being 'direct' approach often doesn't work and just sees things descend into an argument.
Get out now would be my (poor) advice unless she's one of the few who is going to grow up quickly and realise the time will come where you can spend more time with each other once you have your own place together.
You aren't really being insensitive you're prioritising things to further your future and keep friendships functional, whether she likes your friends or not is on her and it's a red flag for me when any woman tries to interfere with that area, with the exception of say friends taking drugs whilst you're around or something.
You aren't really being insensitive you're prioritising things to further your future and keep friendships functional, whether she likes your friends or not is on her and it's a red flag for me when any woman tries to interfere with that area, with the exception of say friends taking drugs whilst you're around or something.
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Sounds like you want to break up? Sounds like you are just different people.
Neither is wrong or right.
For me partner comes before work and I wouldn't want a partner who is never around. And if your work is going to get worse it's just going to be now and more hassle.
I'd call it quits for both your sakes
Neither is wrong or right.
For me partner comes before work and I wouldn't want a partner who is never around. And if your work is going to get worse it's just going to be now and more hassle.
I'd call it quits for both your sakes
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That's tough. But on the positive side it's better that you break up now than in a year or two when he would remember, and miss you. Also looking on the positive side you got to know what it's like to look after a child. So it will probably help you focus on the next relationship and long term goals.Well today was a really hard day, I broke up with my girlfriend a week or so ago, things weren't going right. Today I went and got the rest of my stuff and had to say goodbye to her little one that i'd bought up from birth as my own, although he's only turned one recently, It really hurt to say goodbye and it's all i can think about
That's probably not much help to you right now. But it may help knowing it long term.