Exactly, she’s probably cheated before. Bin her and move on.
The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread
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Exactly, she’s probably cheated before. Bin her and move on.
So she cheated to get some free coke... that's even worse. Surely you can do better.
Probably doesn’t deserve it but check up on her if she hasn’t responded after that message, she’s spoke about suicide once and the likelihood of her doing it is low, but you just never know and it’ll absolutely mess you up even more if it did happen.
Do not continue a relationship with that woman though, turning to drugs from some dude she had relations with ten years ago just tells me she’s still attracted to bad boys and isn’t very mature at all. Messaging the guy is hopeless he’s not exactly going to be honest or he’ll enjoy the power trip he has over you.
Do not continue a relationship with that woman though, turning to drugs from some dude she had relations with ten years ago just tells me she’s still attracted to bad boys and isn’t very mature at all. Messaging the guy is hopeless he’s not exactly going to be honest or he’ll enjoy the power trip he has over you.
That's normal, it will take three to six months minimum for those feelings of betrayal to even start to fade. But you still love her, and those feelings don't go away quickly either. I've no doubt that you just want to put your arms around her and have everything feel the way it used to, despite how much she's hurt you, because you know she's in pain. Both because of the abortion that made her want to hurt herself and put herself in the circumstances where she hurt you, and the pain she caused you, and the potential destruction of your relationship.
It's a male thing to want to know all the details and try and work through it, but it will just drive you nuts. You're trying to find reasons for something that is actually nothing to do with the guy. It could have been anyone, because it was never about this other guy, it was about your girlfriend wanting to trash everything about her life, and that meant you too. You are part of the life she wanted to wipe out because of how she felt about herself. She was convinced she'd lost control of everything, so deciding to trash the relationship and life (that she thought she'd lost anyway), at a time of her choosing was one small way to get some control back. It's like people who cut themselves to give them some sense of control when they feel everything is out of their hands and they have nothing left but when to feel the pain.
People can and do find themselves in bad situations. They make judgement calls at the time that they later realise were wrong or that were driven by other motivations that what they thought at the time. People do screw up, they hurt the ones they love, the mess up their relationships, and all the while they are trying to do their best not to hurt others. But they get it wrong and before they know it, they've wrecked the relationships that mean the most to them. A chance to fix things is all they want because they know they can do better. They know they screwed up, got things wrong and made mistakes. These people are not lost causes, like the people who think they did nothing wrong. They are the ones who have come to the point of knowing what's important because they've come to the point of losing it.
Thinking about the details of what happened will drive you insane, and will fuel your feelings of betrayal and (dare I say it) hate towards your girlfriend. You have to try and take your mind from it, and concentrate on just trying to make each other happy. Have good times to replace these bad ones. It's easy to say, and very hard to do, at least for the first few months, but it is possible. It will be hard, but the first few months you will take a lot of those feelings out on your girlfriend. You won't be able to help it, but at some point you will have to realise that you are hurting her too, and despite what she did, the emotional punishment can only go on for so long before you tear the relationship apart.
You have to realise that in order to move on you have to let go of those feelings and try to concentrate on healing yourself and your girlfriend. You've got to be there for each other, and support each other. That's something you have to consciously decide to do, to just let those feelings go and move forwards. To not spiral down in the thoughts of what she has done, but to remember how you made each other happy. Make new memories to help push the old ones out of the way.
You need to tell her what you need, and she needs to tell you the same. Bear in mind that you both screwed up together on the abortion, but that doesn't give her a free pass on infidelity. What she did was wrong, and she's going to have to try and figure out how she can make you believe you can trust her again. She can't just shrug her shoulders, say sorry and have everything go back to normal. She's going to have to work at fixing you and the relationship, as much as you are going to have to work on yourself, and trying to make her feel that she hasn't hopelessly destroyed the person that is most important to her. Don't forget she wasn't trying to hurt you, she was trying to hurt herself, not really thinking straight. It's like when someone kills themselves, genuinely convinced it would be better for all the people that love them if they were gone. At the time, she was not thinking like a normal person would. That's why it's so difficult for you to understand how and why she would do what she did, and so difficult to forgive.
If it helps shortcut things, show her your messages and my replies in this thread. It will show her that this isn't some awful, terrible thing she's done that there is no comeback from. It happens to people more often than you think. There is a chance to rebuild things if you both want it. It's not an easy thing, but if you love this woman as much as you say you do, if you really wanted to have a life with her, and she feels the same about you, then it's worth at least seeing if you can fix the relationship before you walk away. It's easy to just say "dump her", and in cases where you're not so invested and committed, it would be the thing to do. If someone that you love that much makes a big mistake in difficult circumstances, and regrets it, you need to decide if you are emotionally strong enough to stay and get it fixed and move past it, or if your response is going to be to turn and walk away.
It will really help if you can both spend more time together and be living physically closer than you are at the moment, because you are going to need to spend time in order to reconnect.
If things get really bad, just tell family that you and the girlfriend are going through a rough patch, but you don't want to talk about it. From that they will have a vague reason, but no details for your emotional state. After that, if it's brought up you can just keep insisting that you don't want to talk about it. These are the dark days, but they do get better quickly.
I wish I could share some of my personal experiences on being on both sides of this equation. There were some real Damascene moments, at the time and even years later. They might be things that could help you, but I don't think I've ever spoken about them, so I can't bring myself to post them publicly. Moments when you realised that although bad things were done to you, you still bear some responsibility for the way things got there in the first place. Moments when you realise that you are the problem, and you have to change yourself in order to move forwards. It's a real shock when the other person will do anything to fix things, and you realise that you're the one that is screwing it up because you can't let go of the mistakes that were made and the subsequent emotional pain, and you don't even know you are doing it.
Time and closeness can heal, and you can still have the life you wanted with this person. It can still be the most important, long-lived and joyous relationship that you might ever have in your lifetime. Sure, when you look back years later, there might be some rough patches here and there, but they will be tiny compared to the time spent. Yes there will be some drama and unhappiness, but you'll barely be able to see it compared to the happiness a life with the one you love can bring. No life is perfect, no relationship runs smoothly all of the time. There are always ups and downs, the trick is to try and have a lot more ups than downs. The question is if you want to make it work in the long run, or if this screw-up in both your lives is enough for you to call time on the relationship. If there are no second chances, tread carefully, because the next mistake might be yours.
I've given you my view, an alternative from everyone's "dump her, the trust is gone". That is still an option. If you hadn't described your girlfriend as the person you wanted to marry and spend your life with, I wouldn't be going to this much effort to paint the alternative picture. If this situation is really too painful for you, if you really can't cope, then you can just finish things and walk away. It's the easy option taken by many people nowadays. We used to fix broken things instead of just throwing them away and getting a new one. Now that extends to relationships, and includes the people we love. A lot of them deserve better than that from us, especially if they themselves are in pain and hurting. They may lash out while they are in a bad way, but maybe those of us that are stronger can take that for a while. We can help the people we love get to a better place, especially if they want to get there themselves, and are just asking us for our help along the way.
I guess you have to decide how strong you can be, how much of yourself you are willing to put on the line during this difficult time to see if you can get to the much better life you want to have a year from now. And she has to decide the same about you.
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I have to say I would break up.
If you can't let the needing to know the details slide.
Also the drugs thing would for me be a no no too.
I think you'll always wonder what happened, has anything happened before. Will it happen again. She may not be able to move past the abortion.
Is only if you both can move on you will have a chance. Too much water under the bridge I think
If you can't let the needing to know the details slide.
Also the drugs thing would for me be a no no too.
I think you'll always wonder what happened, has anything happened before. Will it happen again. She may not be able to move past the abortion.
Is only if you both can move on you will have a chance. Too much water under the bridge I think
Over the last couple of months I've been coping pretty well with the breakup of my long term relationship. I did well in a physiology exam, for which I had been studying hard. And I even went out on a few dates, which was a lot of fun. Then just under a week ago I get a message via social media from her, saying she hopes I have a good xmas. All the feelings, anxieties, dreams of her etc etc are now right back where they were when this all kicked off.
I have loads of uni work to complete, but my mind is all over the place. I frankly had a terrible xmas. Whereas before we'd have the families round, this year it was just me, pottering around a big empty house. The thought that dominates my mind being; did everything we went through together really mean so little?
She encouraged me to go to uni. She pomised she'd help with the household bills for the first time. I wanted to make a great future for us both. Then she ups and leaves. I know it'll sound cliched, but I've lost my best friend. The person who once told me "I don't care where we are, just as long as we are together", has left me completely alone.
Sorry for rambling, this is cathartic for me
I have loads of uni work to complete, but my mind is all over the place. I frankly had a terrible xmas. Whereas before we'd have the families round, this year it was just me, pottering around a big empty house. The thought that dominates my mind being; did everything we went through together really mean so little?
She encouraged me to go to uni. She pomised she'd help with the household bills for the first time. I wanted to make a great future for us both. Then she ups and leaves. I know it'll sound cliched, but I've lost my best friend. The person who once told me "I don't care where we are, just as long as we are together", has left me completely alone.
Sorry for rambling, this is cathartic for me
Over the last couple of months I've been coping pretty well with the breakup of my long term relationship. I did well in a physiology exam, for which I had been studying hard. And I even went out on a few dates, which was a lot of fun. Then just under a week ago I get a message via social media from her, saying she hopes I have a good xmas. All the feelings, anxieties, dreams of her etc etc are now right back where they were when this all kicked off.
I have loads of uni work to complete, but my mind is all over the place. I frankly had a terrible xmas. Whereas before we'd have the families round, this year it was just me, pottering around a big empty house. The thought that dominates my mind being; did everything we went through together really mean so little?
She encouraged me to go to uni. She pomised she'd help with the household bills for the first time. I wanted to make a great future for us both. Then she ups and leaves. I know it'll sound cliched, but I've lost my best friend. The person who once told me "I don't care where we are, just as long as we are together", has left me completely alone.
Sorry for rambling, this is cathartic for me
This is why you need to block her from social media, at least for the time being. You'll be going along all fine, coping with everything, then she'll pop up and give you some platitude over social media just so that she doesn't seem to be the bad guy. All it does is remind you of everything that is in the past, all the stress and upset that she caused at the time, and all of a sudden you have to go through the same feelings again.
You have to try and drop your ex behind you. Keep busy with other things. Your studies, going to the gym/exercise, making new friends, etc. You've got to fill that time so that you are not stewing in your own head. Every time you start thinking about her, you have to pull your thoughts away to something else. It's a necessary part of you moving forwards with your life until she no longer has that power over your thoughts and emotions.
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As above. Block her. It does you no good (as you said) to hear from her. And it's probably more her trying to handle her guilt than making you feel better, which it obviously isn't.
Block her, and move on. It's what you're doing in real life, do it virtually as well
Block her, and move on. It's what you're doing in real life, do it virtually as well
Agreed, I'll have to block her. She removed herself from my facebook page (I'm sure there's a correct term for this) weeks ago, even before I had chance to do the same. I'll have to look into blocking her as well. I'm not a big social media user, but the last thing I want is notifications popping up from her. Total head forkage.
Make sure people can’t message you without being friends either, she could be one of those nutters who makes another account or uses that secret messaging thing Facebook has, I’ve had some pretty disturbing messages through that.
She had a change of heart midway through the handjob?
The “other dude” must have been disappointed to say the least!
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I see at least a couple of parallels between your situation and mine.Over the last couple of months I've been coping pretty well with the breakup of my long term relationship. I did well in a physiology exam, for which I had been studying hard. And I even went out on a few dates, which was a lot of fun. Then just under a week ago I get a message via social media from her, saying she hopes I have a good xmas. All the feelings, anxieties, dreams of her etc etc are now right back where they were when this all kicked off.
I have loads of uni work to complete, but my mind is all over the place. I frankly had a terrible xmas. Whereas before we'd have the families round, this year it was just me, pottering around a big empty house. The thought that dominates my mind being; did everything we went through together really mean so little?
She encouraged me to go to uni. She pomised she'd help with the household bills for the first time. I wanted to make a great future for us both. Then she ups and leaves. I know it'll sound cliched, but I've lost my best friend. The person who once told me "I don't care where we are, just as long as we are together", has left me completely alone.
Sorry for rambling, this is cathartic for me
I too feel like I've lost my best friend - that is how my relationship with her started, just as friends hanging out, having a laugh. Like with you, she didn't mind what we did - there was never any pressure to 'do something' specific like go to the cinema or out for a meal or such like, although we often did - as long as we were in each other's company. My job was giving me all the grief I could handle at the time and having someone to spend my free time with who wanted nothing more than to just be with me was fantastic. I fell for her completely and utterly - it had become obvious, even to someone as slow on the uptake when it comes to reading women as me, that she felt the same. That was in 1991 - we got engaged in 1995 and married in 2000 ... hardly a rushed job!
Recently, I was trying to explain to someone what it's like when you love someone that deeply and still do but they reject you - I wake up and every damn day is a battle between my head and my heart. My head is saying "It's over mate - time to look after you and move on ..." and my heart says stuff like "But she was so friendly when you bumped into her in Tescos - maybe there's still a spark there ...". The thing I have in my favour now is that most days my head wins easily. I haven't been an individual for over 25 years, having been (willingly) one half of that partnership for so long - it's kind of fun at the age of 48 just doing mad stuff that I should have done when in my teens, like clothes shopping and getting tattoos ... I've spent a large amount on both in the last 2-3 months and loved it.
However, then Christmas rolls around and the melancholy feelings return - my first Christmas without her and her family. I was with my own family on Christmas Day and Boxing Day (thoroughly enjoying myself in the process - my family are as mad as hatters, but I adore them), but the rest of the week, like you, I'm pottering around a big, empty house on my own. It's not all bad - I went out for a curry with my brother last night, I'm out again tonight for beers with my sister-in-law's ex-boyfriend - and I have kept myself occupied when I've been at home, but there have been odd moments when I've felt massively down. I've seen things on the telly that normally wouldn't bother me, but this time they pull an emotional trigger and I'll sit and sob. Mercifully, those moments are fewer and farther between than before and it seems to me that I cry more for what I've lost than for her specifically. All part of the healing process I guess. And I am healing overall, very much so - Christmas is just one of the little dips along the way.
Social media is a modern curse - I had one message from her over Christmas, asking if she needed to come in and feed the cat while I was away. I replied and said she was welcome to pop in and see him if she wanted, but that I'd taken care of it. There was no response to that message, no "Okay, no problem - have fun on Christmas and Boxing Day". When I got home there was no evidence she'd been to the house, or if she had, she hadn't picked up her post. I have one more thing that I want to rub my wife's face in around the middle of January, then I'll be either blocking or defriending her on Facebook (whatever the difference is). There is no point in it anymore - she has hidden anything she posts from me, although she hasn't been savvy enough to hide it from my Aunt, who showed me over Christmas ... there was nothing sinister there, all very mundane, typical girly stuff and pictures of her horses etc. - and she never comments on anything I post, so like I said there's no point. I've already removed 30-odd people who were mutual friends (mainly on her side) and also all the members of her family and she'll be joining them.
Still a horrible experience overall - I had always prided myself on my mental strength and determination, but this has crushed me - that said, my state of mind versus 3-4 months ago is massively improved, small dips aside. Everything that people who've replied to my posts in this thread has said would happen has done - but the pace at which it happens is different for everybody.
Likewise, apologies for rambling - it is, as you say, very cathartic ...
It's "funny" you should mention things on TV acting as triggers. I was sat there last night watching a film that I'd seen several times before, and the next thing I know, I'm getting emotional. I couldn't quite put my finger on why at first, but I then remembered who I was with the last time I watched it.
I know that feeling all to well. It's very difficult for me to sideline those feelings of hope, especially after being in contact. I need to learn to stop thinking like that though. Another one, is thinking that you know someone so well, only to discover that you didn't know them at all. I'm still not sure how I'm going to process that when/if I get into another relationship. I fear that it has affected my desire to let people get close to me.
Ah well, New Years Eve/Day to tackle next. As you say though, little dips along the way are to be expected
I know that feeling all to well. It's very difficult for me to sideline those feelings of hope, especially after being in contact. I need to learn to stop thinking like that though. Another one, is thinking that you know someone so well, only to discover that you didn't know them at all. I'm still not sure how I'm going to process that when/if I get into another relationship. I fear that it has affected my desire to let people get close to me.
Ah well, New Years Eve/Day to tackle next. As you say though, little dips along the way are to be expected
Says who? Her? How can you trust what she says when she’s ended up in that situation to begin with?
Stopped halfway could have been 30 seconds or 5 minutes, both still mean she’s a cheat and should be binned.
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I totally get that - in my case I'll never be able to watch "Robin Hood - Prince of Thieves" ever again ... I know it's cheesy, but we saw it at the cinema in our early days and it was very much 'our' film and the Bryan Adams song from it was 'our' song. That song just summed up everything we felt about each other. It remained special - years later, we would watch that film cuddled-up on the sofa. It's bringing me to tears now typing this, the feelings that are brought back just by talking about it ... that's how raw it is sometimes, but I wouldn't be human if it wasn't happening. Every day I'm trying to push those feelings further and further from my mind and mostly succeeding.
Again I know entirely where you're coming from. There's an old saying "Maybe someone doesn't change, maybe their mask falls off". I too fear what might happen if I find myself in another relationship - part of me will always now be terrified to let someone get too close. You can't go through life judging other people by one person's standards though - that's grossly unfair.
Not a new experience for me - I had my heart broken several times in my teens and at the time I felt my world was over, but it's nothing compared to when you finally meet 'the one'. My relationship with her WAS my rock - it was the foundation on which everything that was good about my life was built. Now the challenge is to become my own rock - to establish myself as a single entity again, before I look to become part of a partnership again. Sounds a bit airy-fairy and navel-gazey I know, but that's basically how I'm thinking about it.
