‘Discovering my true sexual self’: why I embraced polyamory (RSS style post)

dowie · 20 Jan 2018 at 20:28

**warning - RSS style post**

Guardian article today:

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/jan/20/why-i-chose-polyamory-anita-cassidy

It was the hardest thing I’d ever had to say to my husband, Marc. Three years ago, I sat down and told him: “The idea of having sex just with you for the next 40 years – I can’t do it any more.” But I had come to realise that my life was built around something I didn’t believe in: monogamy.

We had been together for 12 years and had two children, now nine and seven. I love being a mother and I set the bar high from the start – cloth nappies and cooking from scratch. But I needed something more in my emotional and sexual life.

Marc’s reaction was remarkable; he agreed to support me and open our marriage to other partners, although it wasn’t really what he wanted. We started counselling to try to identify the best of what we had, to save it and protect it. Sex is a big part of a relationship, but it is only a part. We didn’t want it to scupper us.

Basically it seems like she's just cuckolded her husband, he's clearly not interested in the whole poly thing and it is useful presumably for her to keep him around to finance the household (though they don't declare in the article whether they both work full time and what they do). Presumably he's also a bit too frightened about losing the house/kids etc..

The other telling bit is that she is apparently jealous when her lover went away on holiday with another woman - seems to be a bit of a have your cake and eat it attitude.

I'm not in principle opposed to polyamory and I believe we probably should recognised multiple marriage in law in this country, we were willing to change the law for same sex couples so probably should for people in more than just a couple too. However in this example of such a relationship it doesn't seem to be too balanced as one person clearly has a preference for monogamy and has had the poly thing dropped on him after already having had kids and committed to a monogamous relationship.

The comments section is hilarious too

LabR@t · 20 Jan 2018 at 20:38

The guardian :rolleyes:

stopper · 20 Jan 2018 at 20:45

It's a giant advert, you can tell by the way it is written, and by the sale of the book in the last paragraph.

Diddums · 20 Jan 2018 at 20:52

Skank.

flea.rider · 20 Jan 2018 at 20:57

It’s also true of monogamous relationships, and I hope to take what I have learned from this experience into my future relationships

and that tells you marc is moving on .. good on ya ..

sigma · 20 Jan 2018 at 21:04

Very interesting.

NewGamer11 · 20 Jan 2018 at 21:05

If a woman suggests an open relationship or polyamory dump her on the spot. She’s probably already banging someone else.

Ayahuasca · 20 Jan 2018 at 21:20

Well at least she came clean, can’t help feel there’s loads of men and women who have the urge to seek new sexual pleasures after being together for years but they’ll either try to downplay those urges in their heads for the sake of the marriage, particularly if kids are involved or just go behind their backs and hope to never get caught.

It’s pretty evident humans weren’t a species to mate for life but society has lead us to believe it’s the norm. My worry in cases like the above is that she knew all along but obviously waited for the lockdown and everything was in place to drop the cuckbomb.

Monkeynut · 20 Jan 2018 at 21:23

It's just selfish that she's wasted a huge chunk of the bloke's life on a lie.

Malevolence · 20 Jan 2018 at 21:33

Marc’s reaction was remarkable; he agreed to support me and open our marriage to other partners, although it wasn’t really what he wanted.

What an absolute β ****.

Edit: Jesus wept, is there anything that isn't ******* censored on here these days?

dowie · 20 Jan 2018 at 21:37

hmm in true guardian style they've omitted some rather important details....

https://twitter.com/AnitaCassidy76/status/954689088048828416

seemingly she actually spilt up with her husband last year, which isn't too much of a surprise

LabR@t · 20 Jan 2018 at 21:40

Malevolence said:
What an absolute β ****.

Edit: Jesus wept, is there anything that isn't ******* censored on here these days?

Welcome to the frosty flake era

Ayahuasca · 20 Jan 2018 at 21:42

dowie said:
hmm in true guardian style they've omitted some rather important details....

https://twitter.com/AnitaCassidy76/status/954689088048828416

seemingly she actually spilt up with her husband last year, which isn't too much of a surprise

That reply from Barney though, brutal pills were swallowed.

explicit4u · 20 Jan 2018 at 21:43

Wow so much venom in here!

There's no way to know her intensions and suggestions that she waited years and had multiple kids just to lock him into this is an interesting conclusion to come to. There's probably quite a lot of couples in relationships that either shouldn't be, or should be having serious talks with their partner about what they want in the future. Not to mention that people change and with that so do their needs and desires.

They're going to counselling which is a very good first step and hopefully for the guy they can establish some decent rules that both parties would be comfortable with.

If the guy doesn't like it then he should tell her, she's not holding a gun to his head (although i understand the difficulty in making a decision to end it because of the kids).

EDIT: meh just seen that they're separated and co-parenting so it's a bit of a pointless thread, he clearly didn't get on with the idea.

I’d realised for a few years that Anita wasn’t completely happy, so it wasn’t a total shock when she told me she wanted to explore non-monogamy. It was upsetting to hear that what we had wasn’t meeting her needs, but it was very important to me that she was happy. If that meant her exploring a different relationship style, then I would be there to support her.

Probably should have had a discussion much earlier about why she wasn't happy in the relationship. He gave it a go and it didn't work, sucks for the kids but the parents being together just for the kids would be a lot worse. Benefits all long term.

Raymond Lin · 20 Jan 2018 at 22:06

LabR@t said:
The guardian

Real news, you should read it some time

Sankari · 20 Jan 2018 at 22:09

Polyamory: play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

dowie · 20 Jan 2018 at 22:17

explicit4u said:
If the guy doesn't like it then he should tell her, she's not holding a gun to his head (although i understand the difficulty in making a decision to end it because of the kids).

Out of interest would you have the same sentiments if it was say some middle aged woman who had gone off sex and so the bloke decided to quite openly start using prostitutes (arguably a bit less severe than this in that there is just a sexual component and not the other emotional connection the woman in this story had with her new lover)?

explicit4u · 20 Jan 2018 at 22:24

dowie said:
Out of interest would you have the same sentiments if it was say some middle aged woman who had gone off sex and so the bloke decided to quite openly start using prostitutes (arguably a bit less severe than this in that there is just a sexual component and not the other emotional connection the woman in this story had with her new lover)?

Of course!

To some sex is just as important as emotions, if one party in a relationship isn't fulfilling one of those needs then they're allowed to put it on the table. Obviously she'd be entitled to suggest rules, and he's more than entitled to say no to them/try and make a compromise if he wants to continue the relationship.

dowie · 20 Jan 2018 at 22:27

It just seems a bit dubious, obviously sure people are entitled to ask for a divorce but a marriage is supposed to be, at the start, a life long commitment and a divorce isn't supposed to be something to take lightly. I think things like open relationships and polyamory are things that ought to be agreed to before undertaking a life long commitment as once you've got combined assets and children involved it isn't quite as simple as saying "well I've changed my mind and want to do X, if you don't like it then we can just get divorced" as that can easily put pressure on someone to accept a type of relationship they really don't want to be in but perhaps tolerate for the sake of the kids/not losing their home etc...

Jean-F · 20 Jan 2018 at 23:28

NewGamer11 said:
If a woman suggests an open relationship or polyamory dump her on the spot. She’s probably already banging someone else.

You’re not taking this seriously are you, your heart’s not in it, I can tell.