Soldato
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- 17 Jan 2006
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- 4,313
Sounds like it'll keep me entertained for the afternoon!! 
Post away!
Post away! The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread
- Thread starter mattyprice4004
- Start date
Associate
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- 29 May 2003
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- Cambridge
I'd happily have a relationship I thought would be my last with someone who couldn't have kids. My soon-to-be ex-wife and I never had any - neither of us wanted to make the financial sacrifice that they entail, so with the way things have turned out now I consider it a bullet dodged. A shame in a way, as despite everything that's happened between us, I think she'd have made a fantastic mother.
I'm prepared for the fact that, given that I'm 49 this year, any woman who I get into a relationship with is likely to have kids of their own, which might eventually lead to me gaining stepfather status, but I'm cool with that if I feel that strongly about her.
Outside of that, I have no desire to have children of my own - amongst other things, my age is against me really, not so much biologically nor my attitude to life, more the fact that by the time they'd be finishing secondary school I'd very nearly be drawing my pension ...
Oh hell, yes - do it!
Soldato
- Joined
- 20 Apr 2004
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- Rugby
After being single and “going” without for 7 years, I met this lady at a speed dating event and we started dating, quite intelligent (so I though), university lecturer owns her own place so no chance of being a sugar daddy, and LIKED my nerdy hobbies including my gundam model stuff. She was also unfased with me having Asperger’s Sysdrome but I ddid buy here a book to help her out on That front.
I soon discovered she was abit of the jealous type but I let it slide to show she can trust me and hope she eases up, if anything it got worse. There was lots of cases of “who is this” “who is that”, if it was male name it would’nt get thease questions but a female one there was a lot of questions.
A couple of times I would snap and go, “do you want to look at my phone” I have nothing to hind afterall. She claims it not normal for me to have female friends and she doesn’t have male friends ? I used to go “well Ok, I do and if you forced me to choose Ill choose them, I would’nt care if you had males friends, as as soon as I questioned you on such things I knew I would’nt trust you and would have to call quits” which would get “its not you I don’t trust its them” , Me: “hmm ok but would do if I was bi”, her “I duno, but I don’t trust your gay friends if you had them” , well I do but I was speech less. Give you some idea of the mind set of this lady.
The week before I called it quits I mentioned I was going to some birthday drinks and dinner of a collgoure at work, I said it was a marketing lady and that there was about 10 of us going etc, she said “can I ask you a honest question” me “oh ok” her “what are your intentions…” me what do you mean by that? Im going for food and beer, I was accused fo flying of the handle and I was jumping to consultations by me saying that she doesn’t trust me. Well that might be true if it was in isolation but we have already established she insanely jealous.
Oh we went away on my birthday to a nice hotel as a weekend trip to do what couples do “wink”, my birthday was on the Saturday this was back in march . Woke up on the Sunday morning and she told me she was thinking about stuff and how she would have to distance her self as I have female friends and how she saw that as “micro cheating”, and how by November of that year I had to decide all these things, A: If I wanted to be with her for ever, B: Get married to her, C: move in D: have kids with her. I was like what is this Sunday morning pillow talk. Oh btw no cohabitation before marriage as she saw it as a test drive, and no oral before marriage (but she still wanted) oral lol. So I was now stressed out by all this having to make massive leeps like that so soon. Who hell sets those ultimatums that soon in a relationship
The snapping point for me was, one day I was at work the week, I was communicated with her all day via text and a couple of called even though I was at work. She was stressed out as she applied for a promotion and she “only” got pay rise and she thought this was down to sexism. Anyway come 10:30 that night I finaly was eating some dinner, she tried to call again but I didn’t pick up as ya know I was eating sent a text instead, She then said “I really needed some comforting” so I sent here a comforting text” , I then got a “I wanted hear you say “ I said I was eating I couldn’t talk, can I call later? I got no reply
The next morning I went through normal routine, messaged her in the morning wishing her a good day and if she really needed me to call she needed to be clear on that, this started a two hour back on though on how I was insenceative and didn’t care etc. (well at the time I thought I could be losing my ) job but I didn’t mention this as I didn’t want her to worry ), in this two hours I got no work done at all and at one point I just said “sorry that’s my limit can’t do this any more” A bit of a back and forth after, she thanked me for my honesty and that I did her a favour, I said fine, I wish you well etc and didn’t hear from her after. Felt like poo for about an hour but then relived.
Now here comes the nutter butters part.
A week later as I was packing a bag to see my folks at easter I got this email, note that we had orginaly planned for her to come along to meet my parents and dog for the first time:
Just so you know I live near Oxford and she lives near Northhampton, the Uni she works at is in London, The Miller and Charter is at the end of my road so that freaked me out as she had driving past my flat, I ignored the email and carried on, I got stressed out.
10 mins later email 2
Wow she get it, shame its to late I ignored this email as well.
then I got a text that night
At this point I was getting worried I have a stalker on my hands, I told my flat mate what was what so she she could keep a look out as I was worried for her safty as well (yer the ex didnt like me having a female flat mate or that i was civil even though she was fat lazy and abit smelly at times). Said flat mate told me she had see a red micra similar to her car drive but and park up in the drive of the flats outside. I told her number plate to look out for and if she saw it make a note and or ring the police.
The next day as I was traveling to see my folks on the train email three
Well I was happy for a couple of weeks even without getting my wick wet but things change, she did seem genuinely sorry at the time I having her as friend was still an option so I throw her a bone even though I was still stressed out by all this. This was a bad idea to reply
My reply when I finally got to my folks
Her reply the next afternoon
The desperate part made be chuckle, but I chilled out the rest of the day as I knew I didn't have to deal with it until I got back or so I thought....
at 2:59 the folowing morning i got this email, it changed from want to be friends to want to get back together WTF
So it changed from it was my fault, I want to apologises to I want to get back together don't you throw me away over "nothing". So this stressed me out abit more going FFS but went from 99% made my mind up to 100% made my mind up as it was clear she was trying to mess with my head abit.
So I got home and sent this reply:
I tired to keep it to the point, clear and balanced I wanted to let rip double barrel and be honest with how nutter butters she was not my style.
Well I got this passive aggressive rant (warning very long)
So it went from "its my fault" to now its all mine (I'm not fault less though), digs at my living arrangements (I don't live in a bedsit I share a flat as even on a above average salary renting in the area alone is not a good option), I did start most of the arguments but her behaviour with the jealously, ultimatums and the unreasonable demands on who I can talk to where the root reason for all of them.
"blindly jump on a motoway" I she wanted to take a route after getting loss which would have taken much longer with many more turns after ignoring the sat nav and my directions, the motoway path I show her was going up to the next juntion and turning off and the hotel was on the left right after. As for the car park thing, more of the same not trusting me in my own city so she got lost and had to cancel the dinner plans I had a surprise ..
I could go on but it felt like a passive aggressive rant at me as I think I was the first guy to ever dump her and the salary stuff at the end was very mature to boot!.
I mentioned she a lecturer at a London university, want to guess what subject............ Phycology she has published books as well so I worry for her students abit .
Sorry for the long post but I like to be detailed and honest, sure I was no angel as well but "wow".
Still any question about me or the whole thing go ahead.
I soon discovered she was abit of the jealous type but I let it slide to show she can trust me and hope she eases up, if anything it got worse. There was lots of cases of “who is this” “who is that”, if it was male name it would’nt get thease questions but a female one there was a lot of questions.
A couple of times I would snap and go, “do you want to look at my phone” I have nothing to hind afterall. She claims it not normal for me to have female friends and she doesn’t have male friends ? I used to go “well Ok, I do and if you forced me to choose Ill choose them, I would’nt care if you had males friends, as as soon as I questioned you on such things I knew I would’nt trust you and would have to call quits” which would get “its not you I don’t trust its them” , Me: “hmm ok but would do if I was bi”, her “I duno, but I don’t trust your gay friends if you had them” , well I do but I was speech less. Give you some idea of the mind set of this lady.
The week before I called it quits I mentioned I was going to some birthday drinks and dinner of a collgoure at work, I said it was a marketing lady and that there was about 10 of us going etc, she said “can I ask you a honest question” me “oh ok” her “what are your intentions…” me what do you mean by that? Im going for food and beer, I was accused fo flying of the handle and I was jumping to consultations by me saying that she doesn’t trust me. Well that might be true if it was in isolation but we have already established she insanely jealous.
Oh we went away on my birthday to a nice hotel as a weekend trip to do what couples do “wink”, my birthday was on the Saturday this was back in march . Woke up on the Sunday morning and she told me she was thinking about stuff and how she would have to distance her self as I have female friends and how she saw that as “micro cheating”, and how by November of that year I had to decide all these things, A: If I wanted to be with her for ever, B: Get married to her, C: move in D: have kids with her. I was like what is this Sunday morning pillow talk. Oh btw no cohabitation before marriage as she saw it as a test drive, and no oral before marriage (but she still wanted) oral lol. So I was now stressed out by all this having to make massive leeps like that so soon. Who hell sets those ultimatums that soon in a relationship
The snapping point for me was, one day I was at work the week, I was communicated with her all day via text and a couple of called even though I was at work. She was stressed out as she applied for a promotion and she “only” got pay rise and she thought this was down to sexism. Anyway come 10:30 that night I finaly was eating some dinner, she tried to call again but I didn’t pick up as ya know I was eating sent a text instead, She then said “I really needed some comforting” so I sent here a comforting text” , I then got a “I wanted hear you say “ I said I was eating I couldn’t talk, can I call later? I got no reply
The next morning I went through normal routine, messaged her in the morning wishing her a good day and if she really needed me to call she needed to be clear on that, this started a two hour back on though on how I was insenceative and didn’t care etc. (well at the time I thought I could be losing my ) job but I didn’t mention this as I didn’t want her to worry ), in this two hours I got no work done at all and at one point I just said “sorry that’s my limit can’t do this any more” A bit of a back and forth after, she thanked me for my honesty and that I did her a favour, I said fine, I wish you well etc and didn’t hear from her after. Felt like poo for about an hour but then relived.
Now here comes the nutter butters part.
A week later as I was packing a bag to see my folks at easter I got this email, note that we had orginaly planned for her to come along to meet my parents and dog for the first time:
Hey L,
This is really weird but I went for a philosophy group in Oxford tonight and was on my way home but the A34 is closed and I’m in Kidlington right now stuck in my car trying to figure out a way home on the map. Maybe it’s destiny, I don’t know but I got a knot in my stomach just now driving past the Miller & Carter. I wish I could see you now. I’ve just filled up with petrol at Sainsbury’s and parked trying to work out a route home. If you’re awake now call me?
Regards,
C
This is really weird but I went for a philosophy group in Oxford tonight and was on my way home but the A34 is closed and I’m in Kidlington right now stuck in my car trying to figure out a way home on the map. Maybe it’s destiny, I don’t know but I got a knot in my stomach just now driving past the Miller & Carter. I wish I could see you now. I’ve just filled up with petrol at Sainsbury’s and parked trying to work out a route home. If you’re awake now call me?
Regards,
C
Just so you know I live near Oxford and she lives near Northhampton, the Uni she works at is in London, The Miller and Charter is at the end of my road so that freaked me out as she had driving past my flat, I ignored the email and carried on, I got stressed out.
10 mins later email 2
Ok I’ve figured out a route via Ambroseden. Still, hope we can speak again as tonight made me realise I was a total **** to you and I behaved OTT jealous and you suffered when I was out of order, I’m sorry. I miss our friendship more than everything and being in your town made me realise it sucks never to ever speak to you again over what was a petty argument and me being in a bad place last week emotionally. Text me. Goodnight
Regards,
C
Regards,
C
Wow she get it, shame its to late I ignored this email as well.
then I got a text that night
Hi L I got home okay (long story why I emailed earlier rather than texted). I do genuine want to be appoliges in person so if your in tomorrow or over the weekend I can drive over because I do want to see your. Tonight scary experience of nearly being lost made me realise life too important never to say sorry when I was wrong"
At this point I was getting worried I have a stalker on my hands, I told my flat mate what was what so she she could keep a look out as I was worried for her safty as well (yer the ex didnt like me having a female flat mate or that i was civil even though she was fat lazy and abit smelly at times). Said flat mate told me she had see a red micra similar to her car drive but and park up in the drive of the flats outside. I told her number plate to look out for and if she saw it make a note and or ring the police.
The next day as I was traveling to see my folks on the train email three
Hi L,
I take it from your blanking my text/emails you don’t want to be friends, and I understand the feeling that you’re angry with me — for that I’m sorry I ****** up and didn’t reply when you offered to stay friends in your text last week.
I wanted to see you to ask your forgiveness because I want to feel at peace with myself because my conscience feels very awful about how I stressed you out that last week.
I was selfish and didn’t appreciate you like I should have. You’d spent time chatting with me that evening but I acted like that want enough just because I was stressed.
When I asked if you cared I was out of order because clearly your actions from day one when we had a date showed you cared. I didn’t need to ask.
I should have been more careful given your condition and I’m sorry - very sorry for all the stress I caused you, and for my making ridiculous unreasonable demands about you not talking to your flatmate, which I now see was completely ridiculous of me to ask and weird. I’ve not been myself lately due to work stress but it shouldn’t have been me turning into a bunny boiler which I’m embarrassed about. I don’t know why I said those things and you tried to reason with me that I should trust you but I was wrong and I should have admitted it (I was acting proud I guess, I regret not admitting I was asking you ridiculous things)
You and I got along even before dating, and if I could turn back time I wouldn’t have ****** up.
In mitigation, I think I spent last year rushing from one relationship to the next and I carried a lot of emotional baggage together with work stress (I didn’t tell you all the work stuff going on) that had an impact on you.
I feel horrendous thinking what stress I made you feel especially on top of everything else.
I thought I made you happy. So I took it for granted I could have down time that Monday night by not texting back that night but they was unfair and I didn’t anticipate your reaction.
I’m sorry I had a bad day due to work stuff and ****** up by ignoring your texts. I hope you could forgive and be friends with me again; I recall you did a lot of stuff to me too and I forgave you, including making me cry my eyes out. Humans sometimes make mistakes.
When I said in my last text I felt happy and relieved I meant it in the sense that I always worried you hadn’t really liked me from your body language which I couldn’t read and because I’d been the one to ask you out when I don’t usually ask guys out, so after I kept looking for “evidence” of whether you did or didn’t like me. Hence my jealousy and insecurities.
When I said about freeing me up I didn’t mean I was jumping to dating other people (I’m actually taking me time to exercise more, started running again, sort work stuff and hang out with friends as well as catching up with clearing my spare room to chuck stuff out etc).
I do genuinely miss you and want to keep in touch as friends. We used to be really close and text each other every five minutes, and so it was a big shock to the system that changing.
However I don’t want to keep emailing you as that seems cooky and desperate which isn’t me.
So happy Easter and don’t forget the great times we had. And for all my ******* up that last week of our relationship L don’t forget I did manage to make you the happiest you’d ever been for years (your words). So I hope we will rekindle our friendship and not hold grudges anymore.
I take it from your blanking my text/emails you don’t want to be friends, and I understand the feeling that you’re angry with me — for that I’m sorry I ****** up and didn’t reply when you offered to stay friends in your text last week.
I wanted to see you to ask your forgiveness because I want to feel at peace with myself because my conscience feels very awful about how I stressed you out that last week.
I was selfish and didn’t appreciate you like I should have. You’d spent time chatting with me that evening but I acted like that want enough just because I was stressed.
When I asked if you cared I was out of order because clearly your actions from day one when we had a date showed you cared. I didn’t need to ask.
I should have been more careful given your condition and I’m sorry - very sorry for all the stress I caused you, and for my making ridiculous unreasonable demands about you not talking to your flatmate, which I now see was completely ridiculous of me to ask and weird. I’ve not been myself lately due to work stress but it shouldn’t have been me turning into a bunny boiler which I’m embarrassed about. I don’t know why I said those things and you tried to reason with me that I should trust you but I was wrong and I should have admitted it (I was acting proud I guess, I regret not admitting I was asking you ridiculous things)
You and I got along even before dating, and if I could turn back time I wouldn’t have ****** up.
In mitigation, I think I spent last year rushing from one relationship to the next and I carried a lot of emotional baggage together with work stress (I didn’t tell you all the work stuff going on) that had an impact on you.
I feel horrendous thinking what stress I made you feel especially on top of everything else.
I thought I made you happy. So I took it for granted I could have down time that Monday night by not texting back that night but they was unfair and I didn’t anticipate your reaction.
I’m sorry I had a bad day due to work stuff and ****** up by ignoring your texts. I hope you could forgive and be friends with me again; I recall you did a lot of stuff to me too and I forgave you, including making me cry my eyes out. Humans sometimes make mistakes.
When I said in my last text I felt happy and relieved I meant it in the sense that I always worried you hadn’t really liked me from your body language which I couldn’t read and because I’d been the one to ask you out when I don’t usually ask guys out, so after I kept looking for “evidence” of whether you did or didn’t like me. Hence my jealousy and insecurities.
When I said about freeing me up I didn’t mean I was jumping to dating other people (I’m actually taking me time to exercise more, started running again, sort work stuff and hang out with friends as well as catching up with clearing my spare room to chuck stuff out etc).
I do genuinely miss you and want to keep in touch as friends. We used to be really close and text each other every five minutes, and so it was a big shock to the system that changing.
However I don’t want to keep emailing you as that seems cooky and desperate which isn’t me.
So happy Easter and don’t forget the great times we had. And for all my ******* up that last week of our relationship L don’t forget I did manage to make you the happiest you’d ever been for years (your words). So I hope we will rekindle our friendship and not hold grudges anymore.
Well I was happy for a couple of weeks even without getting my wick wet but things change, she did seem genuinely sorry at the time I having her as friend was still an option so I throw her a bone even though I was still stressed out by all this. This was a bad idea to reply
My reply when I finally got to my folks
Hi C
I was abit taken a back by your email and texts, partly due not expecting to hear from you again, i was trying to get on with my life. I was also worried when you said you driven past so close to my place as well I was not.ready for it EPs I was very hurt the last two weeks.
I can understand you might wanting to make amends but you have to understand you closed that door by not replying. I was in the middle packing my bag so I just couldn't deal with it EPs then with work and traveling to wales. Maybe we can be friends but it's not easy thing now so if it does happen it will be slow and it won't be like texting all the time no. As of right now I'm on my holidays trying to relax and destrrss looking after Cassie (My dog) EPs the past few day, so I will think about this more when I get back on Monday. As I said to you last week I do wish you well and I hope you get that promotion your after.
I was abit taken a back by your email and texts, partly due not expecting to hear from you again, i was trying to get on with my life. I was also worried when you said you driven past so close to my place as well I was not.ready for it EPs I was very hurt the last two weeks.
I can understand you might wanting to make amends but you have to understand you closed that door by not replying. I was in the middle packing my bag so I just couldn't deal with it EPs then with work and traveling to wales. Maybe we can be friends but it's not easy thing now so if it does happen it will be slow and it won't be like texting all the time no. As of right now I'm on my holidays trying to relax and destrrss looking after Cassie (My dog) EPs the past few day, so I will think about this more when I get back on Monday. As I said to you last week I do wish you well and I hope you get that promotion your after.
Her reply the next afternoon
Hi L,
It’s nice to hear from you and what a sweet photo of Cassie, hope it’s nice weather there for walking her.
I totally understand. Time heals all wounds.
I’m sorry for times I didn’t text you back. The thing with me is that when I get stressed I shut out the world and blank everybody because I’ve been self-reliant so long that I tend to sort my own stress out by turning into a hermit for a day or two. But I now realise it was hurtful when I didn’t text you back and didn’t explain why, it wasn’t that I was angry at you or hateful just I disappear into my mind to cope with stress (or do hermit stuff like go running). Sorry I didn’t text back to explain what was up with me, if I could turn back time I would have.
After you ended it I didn’t text back because I don’t ever want to be someone desperate texting someone afte they have clarified they have dumped them or be grovelling.
I wasn’t near your place on Thursday on purpose lol. I was at a philosophy thing in Oxford, a bunch of academics chatting about philosophy in a pub in town, and unfortunately the A34 was closed from Evesham all the way to the M40. Just to clarify I would never ever show up at anyone’s place uninvited because I have been stalked by an ex myself and it’s horrendous.
Anyway I feel better now that you would at least consider being friends because it would have haunted me the rest of my life the feeling of having stressed you out.
I wish you a really happy holiday enjoy your Easter break.
Regards,
C
It’s nice to hear from you and what a sweet photo of Cassie, hope it’s nice weather there for walking her.
I totally understand. Time heals all wounds.
I’m sorry for times I didn’t text you back. The thing with me is that when I get stressed I shut out the world and blank everybody because I’ve been self-reliant so long that I tend to sort my own stress out by turning into a hermit for a day or two. But I now realise it was hurtful when I didn’t text you back and didn’t explain why, it wasn’t that I was angry at you or hateful just I disappear into my mind to cope with stress (or do hermit stuff like go running). Sorry I didn’t text back to explain what was up with me, if I could turn back time I would have.
After you ended it I didn’t text back because I don’t ever want to be someone desperate texting someone afte they have clarified they have dumped them or be grovelling.
I wasn’t near your place on Thursday on purpose lol. I was at a philosophy thing in Oxford, a bunch of academics chatting about philosophy in a pub in town, and unfortunately the A34 was closed from Evesham all the way to the M40. Just to clarify I would never ever show up at anyone’s place uninvited because I have been stalked by an ex myself and it’s horrendous.
Anyway I feel better now that you would at least consider being friends because it would have haunted me the rest of my life the feeling of having stressed you out.
I wish you a really happy holiday
enjoy your Easter break.Regards,
C
The desperate part made be chuckle, but I chilled out the rest of the day as I knew I didn't have to deal with it until I got back or so I thought....
at 2:59 the folowing morning i got this email, it changed from want to be friends to want to get back together WTF
Ps — I should have made it clear in my earlier email that I do still want us to get back together and I miss you a lot. It’s not that being friends is my first choice.
I do want you to make up your own decision out of your own free will and choice, if you want us to get back together, and that’s something I want you to think about on Monday onwards when you do think about it.
Just remember the great times we had, how what we had was like nothing else. We were practically addicted to each other and had a close tight relationship a lot of people would envy, and just remember how good I make you feel about yourself and I do make you happy (your words). Ask yourself if you’ll regret chucking it away just because I had a bad week.
So I hope you know where I stand in avoidance of doubt but no pressure on you okay? Just relax, chill, sleep loads and have a nice Easter holiday.
I hope your parents don’t hate me for getting you so stressed, as I really didn’t want or mean to do that, please pass my hello to them and a series of pats for Cassie.
Regards,
C
I do want you to make up your own decision out of your own free will and choice, if you want us to get back together, and that’s something I want you to think about on Monday onwards when you do think about it.
Just remember the great times we had, how what we had was like nothing else. We were practically addicted to each other and had a close tight relationship a lot of people would envy, and just remember how good I make you feel about yourself and I do make you happy (your words). Ask yourself if you’ll regret chucking it away just because I had a bad week.
So I hope you know where I stand in avoidance of doubt but no pressure on you okay? Just relax, chill, sleep loads and have a nice Easter holiday.
I hope your parents don’t hate me for getting you so stressed, as I really didn’t want or mean to do that, please pass my hello to them and a series of pats for Cassie.
Regards,
C
So it changed from it was my fault, I want to apologises to I want to get back together don't you throw me away over "nothing". So this stressed me out abit more going FFS but went from 99% made my mind up to 100% made my mind up as it was clear she was trying to mess with my head abit.
So I got home and sent this reply:
Hi C
I'm Sorry but I need to make it clear I don't want us to get back together. Your last email intentional or not had me stressed once again as I had to think about what you said as it changed from being friends to "get back together" so I couldn't relax all weekend sorry.
For the record Its not just you this whole thing has put me off dating for a long while, yes we had good times but also lots of arguments and stress on both sides as well as different life goals. Yes, you are forgiven if that's what you're worried about and I'm sorry for any pain I've caused you as well.
I don't hate you, my parents don't hate you, no one hates you, I do and still do wish you well in work and your love life.
Regards
L
I'm Sorry but I need to make it clear I don't want us to get back together. Your last email intentional or not had me stressed once again as I had to think about what you said as it changed from being friends to "get back together" so I couldn't relax all weekend sorry.
For the record Its not just you this whole thing has put me off dating for a long while, yes we had good times but also lots of arguments and stress on both sides as well as different life goals. Yes, you are forgiven if that's what you're worried about and I'm sorry for any pain I've caused you as well.
I don't hate you, my parents don't hate you, no one hates you, I do and still do wish you well in work and your love life.
Regards
L
I tired to keep it to the point, clear and balanced I wanted to let rip double barrel and be honest with how nutter butters she was not my style.
Well I got this passive aggressive rant (warning very long)
Hello L,
That’s absolutely fine, I get it. Thanks for acknowledging that you did cause me pain too, your apology will go some way towards helping me recover.
You are right to end it because you are refreshingly frank about the fact that we have different life goals. I always admired your practical side and you are right on this, practically. Yes we are very different people and reality is we got together for convenience when actually we’d be best friends if we’d left it at that.
I got in touch again on Thursday because being in Oxfordshire I suddenly remembered my heavy compassion for you as a guy with Aspergers and my big fear that you might get depression again because you have had it in the past. You sound fine, which is great.
You did cause me a lot of pain too, just you’ll never know how much. I got very depressed behind your back, unable to cope with dating a guy who doesn’t make eye contact, doesn’t have empathy for me, has an anger problem, and has a meltdown over basic things.
I’ve been happier since two weeks ago, laughing until my tummy hurts, going to gigs, being free spirited and peppy. I couldn’t do that with you because you made me feel guilty every time I went out or met with friends by asking if something is up etc. Yes I had jealousy issues too but so did you.
It was quite depressing that you hardly laugh or smile or get jokes, but I feel really sorry for you and don’t blame you.
Somehow you were great at shifting the blame to me for everything, even stuff that wasnt my fault, and yes that’s pain you caused me. Things got so low I was saying sorry for changing car parks because you said it was important to park at a certain place and that is awful that I should be reduced to being sorry for that. It’s absurd.
You even made me cry for changing what day I’d visit and that’s awful. That was the trivial level of our supposed arguments. It’s also absurd also that you had a meltdown because I didn’t text back under stress, instead of showing empathy. But I don’t blame you, you don’t mean it, you can’t help it and it’s not your fault L.
Of the stresses and arguments you actually caused 80% of them through miscommunication, lack of empathy and obsessive stuff you did like using your phone repeatedly all during our dates. You did apologise every time but I want you to realise that I was abjectly depressed about a lot of things, the emotional deprivation, but I couldn’t say anything because I knew from the start you’re a guy with your condition.
I went weird and jealous simply as a reaction to being in a relationship with a guy who checked his phone every few minutes and even went to the loo with it and was emotionally unconnected to me. And the nonverbal signs you gave, our excruciatingly awkward dinners and breakfasts.
Thinking about all this I now agree it is a good idea you are telling me to move on and I see now that it’s for the best.
I also found it emotionally exhausting getting a text from you every five minutes and I felt I had to text you back all day long from morning to night or else you’d get anxious or depressed. I tried to explain it caused me stress to text anyone that often but you started having a meltdown so I simply had to adapt to your wants and do everything you wanted in case you got anxious.
I was also hurt by your ungrateful selfish behaviour, like not saying thanks when I drove you through flooded roads in the dark to Cheltenham for your birthday yet all you could do was criticise me that I was driving under the speed limit. And have a go because I wouldn’t blindly jump into the motorway without looking at the map myself. Ditto driving you from Milton Keynes taking two and a half hours yet all you could do was criticise that I changed car parks. I’m questioning everything now and realising none of it was really reasonable - for one unreasonable thing I did or said you did or said ten.
This Sunday I was even thinking about your cohabiting idea, which I said absolutely no to. I said it’s a gamble and I was right in hindsight. But yet again me even considering cohabitation when I disagree with it is yet another example of me adapting to what you want as always, putting my own gut instinct in the back shelf. I’m so glad none of that will ever happen and thank you for that, really.
Thanks for best wishes about my love life. It’ll be just fine. Often I am single for a month tops but I’m actually enjoying my newfound freedom and lavishing attention on myself for a change. Not having so many texts is also liberating.
It’s great that you forgave me, just as I had the grace to forgive you, no hard feelings and no grudges. 100%
I don’t regret any of the part where I knew you; I’ve learnt a lot of good things about myself while going out with you, that I’m adaptable and tolerant. When I met you a lot of my friends tried to talk me out of dating you because you’ve got Aspergers, you live in a bedsit and don’t drive, but I didn’t listen, and I even dumped one friend who laughed at you and took the ****. I still don’t regret sticking up for you and I don’t regret knowing you at all and I don’t think people with Aspergers should be castigated.
As for my promotion thank you for your kind wishes. My promotion will mean going from 47k to 54k then annual rise to 60k which means a lot to me and it isn’t just about a title change.
All that said I think you’re a great guy and I still tell my friends you’re a great guy, you’re very good at heart and you help your elderly neighbours. So friendship with you is still something I’d like, because it’s not you I blame for any of the bad stuff that happened, it’s a condition over which you have no control.
Friendship one day when you’re ready will mark the fact that there’s no shame or grudge our relationship didn’t work out and acknowledging that we were good friends throughout. I wish you all the best too. I hope your work stuff works out okay.
Regards,
C
That’s absolutely fine, I get it. Thanks for acknowledging that you did cause me pain too, your apology will go some way towards helping me recover.
You are right to end it because you are refreshingly frank about the fact that we have different life goals. I always admired your practical side and you are right on this, practically. Yes we are very different people and reality is we got together for convenience when actually we’d be best friends if we’d left it at that.
I got in touch again on Thursday because being in Oxfordshire I suddenly remembered my heavy compassion for you as a guy with Aspergers and my big fear that you might get depression again because you have had it in the past. You sound fine, which is great.
You did cause me a lot of pain too, just you’ll never know how much. I got very depressed behind your back, unable to cope with dating a guy who doesn’t make eye contact, doesn’t have empathy for me, has an anger problem, and has a meltdown over basic things.
I’ve been happier since two weeks ago, laughing until my tummy hurts, going to gigs, being free spirited and peppy. I couldn’t do that with you because you made me feel guilty every time I went out or met with friends by asking if something is up etc. Yes I had jealousy issues too but so did you.
It was quite depressing that you hardly laugh or smile or get jokes, but I feel really sorry for you and don’t blame you.
Somehow you were great at shifting the blame to me for everything, even stuff that wasnt my fault, and yes that’s pain you caused me. Things got so low I was saying sorry for changing car parks because you said it was important to park at a certain place and that is awful that I should be reduced to being sorry for that. It’s absurd.
You even made me cry for changing what day I’d visit and that’s awful. That was the trivial level of our supposed arguments. It’s also absurd also that you had a meltdown because I didn’t text back under stress, instead of showing empathy. But I don’t blame you, you don’t mean it, you can’t help it and it’s not your fault L.
Of the stresses and arguments you actually caused 80% of them through miscommunication, lack of empathy and obsessive stuff you did like using your phone repeatedly all during our dates. You did apologise every time but I want you to realise that I was abjectly depressed about a lot of things, the emotional deprivation, but I couldn’t say anything because I knew from the start you’re a guy with your condition.
I went weird and jealous simply as a reaction to being in a relationship with a guy who checked his phone every few minutes and even went to the loo with it and was emotionally unconnected to me. And the nonverbal signs you gave, our excruciatingly awkward dinners and breakfasts.
Thinking about all this I now agree it is a good idea you are telling me to move on and I see now that it’s for the best.
I also found it emotionally exhausting getting a text from you every five minutes and I felt I had to text you back all day long from morning to night or else you’d get anxious or depressed. I tried to explain it caused me stress to text anyone that often but you started having a meltdown so I simply had to adapt to your wants and do everything you wanted in case you got anxious.
I was also hurt by your ungrateful selfish behaviour, like not saying thanks when I drove you through flooded roads in the dark to Cheltenham for your birthday yet all you could do was criticise me that I was driving under the speed limit. And have a go because I wouldn’t blindly jump into the motorway without looking at the map myself. Ditto driving you from Milton Keynes taking two and a half hours yet all you could do was criticise that I changed car parks. I’m questioning everything now and realising none of it was really reasonable - for one unreasonable thing I did or said you did or said ten.
This Sunday I was even thinking about your cohabiting idea, which I said absolutely no to. I said it’s a gamble and I was right in hindsight. But yet again me even considering cohabitation when I disagree with it is yet another example of me adapting to what you want as always, putting my own gut instinct in the back shelf. I’m so glad none of that will ever happen and thank you for that, really.
Thanks for best wishes about my love life. It’ll be just fine. Often I am single for a month tops but I’m actually enjoying my newfound freedom and lavishing attention on myself for a change. Not having so many texts is also liberating.
It’s great that you forgave me, just as I had the grace to forgive you, no hard feelings and no grudges. 100%
I don’t regret any of the part where I knew you; I’ve learnt a lot of good things about myself while going out with you, that I’m adaptable and tolerant. When I met you a lot of my friends tried to talk me out of dating you because you’ve got Aspergers, you live in a bedsit and don’t drive, but I didn’t listen, and I even dumped one friend who laughed at you and took the ****. I still don’t regret sticking up for you and I don’t regret knowing you at all and I don’t think people with Aspergers should be castigated.
As for my promotion thank you for your kind wishes. My promotion will mean going from 47k to 54k then annual rise to 60k which means a lot to me and it isn’t just about a title change.
All that said I think you’re a great guy and I still tell my friends you’re a great guy, you’re very good at heart and you help your elderly neighbours. So friendship with you is still something I’d like, because it’s not you I blame for any of the bad stuff that happened, it’s a condition over which you have no control.
Friendship one day when you’re ready will mark the fact that there’s no shame or grudge our relationship didn’t work out and acknowledging that we were good friends throughout. I wish you all the best too. I hope your work stuff works out okay.
Regards,
C
So it went from "its my fault" to now its all mine (I'm not fault less though), digs at my living arrangements (I don't live in a bedsit I share a flat as even on a above average salary renting in the area alone is not a good option), I did start most of the arguments but her behaviour with the jealously, ultimatums and the unreasonable demands on who I can talk to where the root reason for all of them.
"blindly jump on a motoway" I she wanted to take a route after getting loss which would have taken much longer with many more turns after ignoring the sat nav and my directions, the motoway path I show her was going up to the next juntion and turning off and the hotel was on the left right after. As for the car park thing, more of the same not trusting me in my own city so she got lost and had to cancel the dinner plans I had a surprise ..
I could go on but it felt like a passive aggressive rant at me as I think I was the first guy to ever dump her and the salary stuff at the end was very mature to boot!.
I mentioned she a lecturer at a London university, want to guess what subject............ Phycology she has published books as well so I worry for her students abit .
Sorry for the long post but I like to be detailed and honest, sure I was no angel as well but "wow".
Still any question about me or the whole thing go ahead.
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Soldato
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oh yer sorry for the spellings and typo's I was doing it in a rush
OCUK forum 4 life. GD bros b4 hoes etc, etc...
Yeah, I don't think you were meant for one another. Best it ended by the looks of it.
Good luck out there!
Her tone and the way it changes after you acknowledge her smacks of passive-aggressive manipulation. Best stay clear and not engage with her any more.
In those circumstances, your only reply should be "I'm sorry, but I don't feel comfortable with you texting/emailing/calling me, please don't contact me again". If she does, then that's stalking/harrasment and you can report her to the police for that.
I'm sure you're no picnic yourself (no one ever is) but it doesn't seem like you two were a good match.
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Soldato
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Yer I never pretened I was a saint, the putting the phone away quickly thing was funny as you know when she walks into the room my attention should be on my GF so so I though Lol
Yer I dodged a bullet for sure, I think some of it was that she was 38 and me 33 so she had the clock ticking for her which is fair another but I remember at the start when we where talking about contraception her saying "I'm glad you brought it up as im scared "poo"less of getting pregnant"
everyone that ive told said said I dodged a bullet and ive tried to be honest with when ive been at fault, best reply was from a work from home colleague who is a lady and she said "who what ****womble, its like she blaming the Asperger totally"
I have a wedding to go to in march which she was down as the plus 1, I could do with finding a new GF by then lol
Yer I dodged a bullet for sure, I think some of it was that she was 38 and me 33 so she had the clock ticking for her which is fair another but I remember at the start when we where talking about contraception her saying "I'm glad you brought it up as im scared "poo"less of getting pregnant"
everyone that ive told said said I dodged a bullet and ive tried to be honest with when ive been at fault, best reply was from a work from home colleague who is a lady and she said "who what ****womble, its like she blaming the Asperger totally"
I have a wedding to go to in march which she was down as the plus 1, I could do with finding a new GF by then lol
Soldato
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after that last email i was like "wow I know i made he right call" If she emails or text again I will ignore, just hope I don't see her at speed dating again lol, if I do I ofc will be civil.
Caporegime
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LOL wow!!!!
Women will often be some what jealous and suspicious of female friends, this is something I've witnessed to be true in my own relationships and others, especially if they're attractive. She handled feeling jealous and paranoid badly, you handled her feeling jealous and paranoid badly. Then the break up and ensuing emails were handled badly by both parties again. It's probably for the best you broke up essentially.
Soldato
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Maybe I could have handle things better but I don't think there was anything I could have said or done to change things bar not talking to my female friends anymore and not talking or hanging out with females in any mater again ever.
Soldato
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ah I think there is one of the same event next week in Oxford presuming you are in the 20-30's age range.
A++ would rage again. Dodged a bullet ... no, a mortar there!
31 so yes. And that Miller and Carter is decent haha!
would make the matter of living much easier
Associate
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Felt like offloading...not sure why I am posting this but its nice to rant about things at times.
I dated a girl who I met on tinder for 7 months, didn't sleep with her for a few weeks/month and thought we were just friends, she hung out with me and my friends a fair bit and we shared hobbies, she had a cracking body but was socially awkward and didn't seem that interested romantically.
We eventually got together and things were lovely, we went on holiday to Edinburgh, climbing in Glencoe, went to Italy for her birthday and everything seemed lovely although there were issues such as her materialistic ways and desire to always have the latest fashion or gadget and had away of extracting extreme amounts of money out of me...I bought a VW Transporter on her suggestion for example..and paid for all the above trips, with the odd token meal that she paid for.
I eventually got resentful towards her for this and so broke off with her, she had a kid and was on medication for anxiety which showed in her behaviour of drinking excessively and smoking, she also NEVER had the kid, he was with his dad constantly.
I found the kids dad hiding under her bed once, and she told me she slept with another man in front of my best friend on a night out because I had been on a bike ride with my ex and mutual friends the weekend before - she knew about this and didn't want to come...she was a keeper!
I started seeing someone else and moved on, was fairly quick as I was over with her while we were together but just struggled to actually cut the cord (felt invested - financially and emotionally) but this new girl came on to the scene and I liked her so I broke off with above girl for new girl...like a monkey branch swinger!
anyway, a few weeks in and ex found out about new girl and one Saturday morning was waiting outside my house, smoking and seemed drunk...she wanted to talk.
I stupidly let her in my house and told her I really liked this new girl and we are over, she went MENTAL and trashed my kitchen, threw my TV off its standing breaking the screen (a 6 month old 4k tv) and then proceeded to key the van after I managed to herd her out the house!
I rang the police, she told them I trashed my own house and that my van was vandalised in Scotland (I had been to Scotland the weekend before), it was her word against mine and she walked away scot free....
Don't you love girls.
This girl was a mental health nurse.....I will never date anyone working in mental health again.
I dated a girl who I met on tinder for 7 months, didn't sleep with her for a few weeks/month and thought we were just friends, she hung out with me and my friends a fair bit and we shared hobbies, she had a cracking body but was socially awkward and didn't seem that interested romantically.
We eventually got together and things were lovely, we went on holiday to Edinburgh, climbing in Glencoe, went to Italy for her birthday and everything seemed lovely although there were issues such as her materialistic ways and desire to always have the latest fashion or gadget and had away of extracting extreme amounts of money out of me...I bought a VW Transporter on her suggestion for example..and paid for all the above trips, with the odd token meal that she paid for.
I eventually got resentful towards her for this and so broke off with her, she had a kid and was on medication for anxiety which showed in her behaviour of drinking excessively and smoking, she also NEVER had the kid, he was with his dad constantly.
I found the kids dad hiding under her bed once, and she told me she slept with another man in front of my best friend on a night out because I had been on a bike ride with my ex and mutual friends the weekend before - she knew about this and didn't want to come...she was a keeper!
I started seeing someone else and moved on, was fairly quick as I was over with her while we were together but just struggled to actually cut the cord (felt invested - financially and emotionally) but this new girl came on to the scene and I liked her so I broke off with above girl for new girl...like a monkey branch swinger!
anyway, a few weeks in and ex found out about new girl and one Saturday morning was waiting outside my house, smoking and seemed drunk...she wanted to talk.
I stupidly let her in my house and told her I really liked this new girl and we are over, she went MENTAL and trashed my kitchen, threw my TV off its standing breaking the screen (a 6 month old 4k tv) and then proceeded to key the van after I managed to herd her out the house!
I rang the police, she told them I trashed my own house and that my van was vandalised in Scotland (I had been to Scotland the weekend before), it was her word against mine and she walked away scot free....
Don't you love girls.
This girl was a mental health nurse.....I will never date anyone working in mental health again.