A Single Shot.
While hunting in the woods one day, an alcoholic poacher picks the wrong target and precipitates a series of events that threatens to destroy his life and the financial security of the married woman with whom he is having an illicit affair.
Set in the filthy backwaters of West Virginia, this grim story of love and revenge is a fine example of the popular and well established Redneck Noir genre.
I rate
A Single Shot at 23.31 on the Haglee Scale, which works out as a gritty 7/10 on IMDB.
Battle Royale: Extended Version.
If you're old enough to remember this movie, you'll recall the wild thrill we all felt when it exploded onto cinema screens in a riotous burst of muted tones, squirting blood, and cute Japanese schoolgirls in short-skirted uniforms.
The year is 2xxx. The Japanese government is fed up with young people and their ********. A new policy is implemented to address the problems exacerbated by these irresponsible little scrotes, and it receives universal public support. The rules are simple: 42 kids enter, only one kid leaves.
Some social commentators have argued that the same policy could be used to address the plague of parasitic, self-entitled millennials that currently blights Western society. I, for one, would strongly favour such a proposal.
This entire film is carried on the broad shoulders of Takeshi Kitano, a hardboiled movie veteran who needs no introduction here. If you enjoy him in
Battle Royale, you'll love him even more in the
Autoreiji trilogy (go and watch it right now!)
I rate
Battle Royale: Extended Version at 23.31 on the Haglee Scale, which works out as a blood-soaked 7/10 (with just a hint of sexy schoolgirl thighs) on IMDB.
Berlin Falling.
Someone has nasty plans for Berlin, and they might involve wholesale slaughter. Who could be responsible for such a vile plan? It's those filthy Muslims, of course!
The plot follows ex-soldier Frank (Ken Duken, the poor man's Tim Wilde) and some bloke with unlikely name of Andreas (Tom Wlaschiha, the rich man's Ricardo Ewert) as they make their way to the nation's capital. Will they arrive before something awful happens? Maybe, but also maybe not. It could go either way.
I rate
Berlin Falling at 26.64 on the Haglee Scale, which works out as an unpleasantly prejudiced 8/10 on IMDB.
Calibre.
While hunting in the woods one day, an irresponsible Scotsman poacher picks the wrong target and precipitates a series of events that threatens to destroy his life and the financial security of the woman who is carrying his child.
Set in the filthy backwaters of the Scottish Highlands, this grim story of love and revenge is a fine example of the popular and well established Sporran Noir genre.
I rate
Calibre at 23.31 on the Haglee Scale, which works out as a mud-stained 7/10 on IMDB.
Two Pigeons.
Two pigeons share an apartment in London. Over time, they become aware of an unwelcome intruder and a second individual whose motives remain unclear. Tension mounts as the relationship between the four tenants reaches a critical point. The arrival of a temporary fifth tenant precipitates a shocking denouement.
I rate
Two Pigeons at 26.64 on the Haglee Scale, which works out as a guano-flecked 8/10 on IMDB.
Justice League: Dawn of the League of Justice.
Every time I am disappointed by a Marvel movie, I watch a DC movie to remind myself just how much worse it could have been.
Justice League: Dawn of the League of Justice is a case in point. If you're looking for great scriptwriting and good quality CGI, you won't find it here. DC really is the bargain bin of superhero movies.
Superman is dead, having succumbed to the fatal wounds he received from critical reviews of
Batman Vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice. Wonder Woman is sad, because Superman used to be her boyfriend.
Batman (the ******* useless character nobody even wanted) is forced to admit—
twice in this movie!—that he has no superpowers whatsoever, which completely discredits his ludicrous claim to be a superhero.
MerMan is a raging alcoholic whose general attitude towards life can be summarised as '**** the lot of you' (I really liked this guy!) The Dash is a moody autistic kid with ADHD.
Victor Doom is now a black man (for some strange reason?!) and somewhere along the line he's traded in his hooded caped for a boring hoodie that looks like it was stolen from Walmart. His powers also seem to be very different from what I remember, but perhaps that's just me.
Together they face Steppenwolf, who is arguably the most interesting and relatable character in the entire DC universe aside from Blackheart. (When are we going to get
Steppenwolf Vs. MerMan? I'd watch the hell out of that!)
Somewhere along the line, Steppenwolf has lost his three magical Rubik's Cubes, which will allow him to destroy the universe if he can just find the bloody things and stick them back together. Batman says this would be a very bad thing, and wants to stop Steppenwolf himself, but can't because he's not a real superhero. Wonder Woman is sad, because Batman used to be her boyfriend.
Anyway, the various superheroes do their thing in predictable fashion, and for the most part it's an absolute cringefest.
Batman wants to resurrect Superman using magic Krytponite goo and some other stuff that is never clearly explained. The Dash agrees to stop Steppenwolf as long as it doesn't involve fighting, saving people, or exerting himself in any way at all. Wonder Woman is sad, because that guy from the other movie used to be her boyfriend. Victor Doom is having some kind of existential crisis. MerMan literally has no ***** to give.
A special mention goes to Gal Gadot, Jason Momoa, Jeremy Irons, and Ciarán Hinds, who all worked hard to salvage this hot mess from the dumpster fire it so richly deserves to die in. I thoroughly enjoyed their performances. Everyone else can bite a grenade.
I rate
Justice League: Dawn of the League of Justice at 19.98 on the Haglee Scale, which works out as a paint-by-numbers 6/10 on IMDB.
Muse.
A British poetry professor (is there even such a thing?!) is having an affair with one of his students, the filthy *******! Suddenly she dies for reasons that are never clearly explained, which serves him right. What a dick.
40 years later...
The professor somehow discovers that the Muses of Greek mythology are real, and that they screw around with human affairs by manipulating people through... poetry. (Yes, that is literally the premise of this film). Why? Because **** you, that's why.
Those of us who are familiar with Greek mythology will know that there were nine Muses: Calliope, Clio, Erato, Euterpe, Melpomene, Polyhymnia, Terpsichore, Thalia, and Urania. The film reduces their number to six (or seven? the plot seemed rather confused on this point), changes their names, and completely rewrites their respective roles.
It took me three attempts to finish this movie, because I kept falling asleep.
I rate
Muse at 13.32 on the Haglee Scale, which works out as a turgid 4/10 on IMDB.
Noctem.
Many people are calling
Noctem the Spanish
Blair Witch, and frankly that's not too far off the mark.
A bunch of young Spanish persons visit some place on holiday, and bring their video camera. Weird shenanigans ensue, and poor decisions are made. The audience quickly realises that at least one person will die from a fatal overdose of shakycam before the running time is up (at one point I thought it was going to be me).
There's nothing unique or outstanding about this film, but it deserves full credit for showing what can be achieved with a tiny budget and a return to good old fashioned practical methods. You won't see any CGI; most of the fear and suspense is achieved purely through unedited sound. I really appreciated the simplicity and authenticity of this approach.
I rate
Noctem at 23.31 on the Haglee Scale, which works out as a refreshing 7/10 on IMDB.
