41 and no friends

[Ocean Breeze]

Some people are just introverted. I love being alone doing my own thing. When I am around people I’m just thinking how bored I am, how noisy they are, how irritating they are. I hate lad culture, football, drinking and don’t watch the rubbish on TV so for me making friends is virtually impossible.

I doesn’t bother me because I know I don’t need people to be entertained so loneliness is not something I worry about or really feel.

 

[Pawnless Endgame]

Go to your local college and look for some college girls to get stuck into - they are relatively cheap and your find a lot of people your age there, especially if its a skills based one like woodworking.

Fixed

If you're going to fix somebody's post, then at least do it properly!

Go to your local college and look for some college girls to get stuck into - they are relatively cheap and your find a lot of people their age there, especially if its a skills based one like woodworking... nudge nudge wink wink

 

[Tefal]

If you're going to fix somebody's post, then at least do it properly!

But you ruined it... there's always loads of 40 year olds around colleges

 

[malachi]

Same. I found it desperately sad that he's now convinced himself that you only need friends because society tells you that you should :/

Then I was equally sad to see that many others replied saying that had no friends either. As Houses said, there's a underlying hint of depression and self isolation in these posts.

Not to sound harsh, but meetup.co.uk sounds like a weird way to meet some weird people. I'm guessing it's like going on friend dates? I keep imagining it being like the film "I love you man" just without the Hollywood ending.

Before i saw of your medical condition I was going to suggest sports as this is a great way of getting out of the bloomin house and chatting to people. Sports clubs also often have great and regular social gatherings which is great.

I would forget trying to pick a friend like you're shopping for a car on auto trader. Just do anything that gets you out of the house and busy. Night classes, volunteering, wine tasting, whatever. Sitting at the computer on your own night after night is not a good thing to do and is a guaranteed way of ensuring nothing in your life will change.

It's going to be tough but you need to be the driving force in your life. Things will fall into place if you put yourself out there a bit more.

I still remember reading an article on the BBC about an end of life nurse who worked in a Marie Curie place or similar and wrote a book about how people are at the end of their lives. She says that the common theme she found terminal cancer victims saying is that they wish they had kept in contact with old friends and spent more time with them.

A few years ago I had started neglecting seeing my friends for a while, coming up with various excuses like feeling tired after work etc and started not getting invited out to things anymore as a result. The article I mentioned above made me realise how lazy I'd actually been and to get off my arse.

Yep, remember reading that too. Its a real eye opener but at the sametime it makes you think they have no one else to blame but themselves to be in that situation of loosing touch with friends.

Maybe I am lucky or maybe because I value a good friendship but at least 3 of my closest friends I have known for over 30 years (we are in our mid 30's) and I still see them nearly every week, yet they are married with kids.

 

[adidan]

Well two of my best mates moved to Aus and another to NZ. Hardly subtle, bloody buggers

 

[glenimp617]

I think after a hard days work and evenings sorting the kids out, most people just want to relax and go to bed. Then on a weekend it's playing with the kids, and early nights.

 

[Angilion]

You can see why depression is so high in men, men die earlier than women, male suicide rates are high

Seeing some people who say "I cant stand people/i dont like to socialize" then say they dont have friends and wonder why?!?!?! What's the point in having a life then? Put on this earth just to grow old and die alone. What a horrible thought.

You need to go out and make an effort. Life doesn't reward those who sit there and do nothing.

What suits you need not be what suits someone else. What you like will be a horrible thought to some other people. People vary. Pressure to conform to things other people want you to be and you don't want to be is one cause of depression and suicide.

You will grow old and die alone, just like almost everyone else does. Nobody lives forever and few people die in groups. Even for those who do, I suspect they still die alone because it's not really a shared experience. Also, they're dead so they won't be caring any more. Because they're dead. Caring is for the living.

The only point in life is whatever point you decide it has. There isn't any real point, just points that people attach to it. Hardly anyone even makes any significant contribution to humanity...and even that's a subjective point rather than a real point. If you need a point, make one up. Or pick a religion and pretend that a more powerful entity or entities have made a point for you.

 

[Eurofighter]

Get to your local pub.

 

[Angilion]

Same. I found it desperately sad that he's now convinced himself that you only need friends because society tells you that you should :/

That's not what I wrote. I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about me. Unlike far too many people, I don't believe I have the authority to tell other people that they must like what I like.

 

[Chojin]

I remember watching a programme about people in Shanghai renting friends for the day.

This is modern life unfortunately where people make their excuses due to career (both parents working), itinerant lifestyles, feeling under the weather, and so on.

Social media brought about the concept of 'socializing without socializing'. My experience is that this laziness has seeped into everyday life. People like to meet to say they have met, done some activity for an hour or so, but then it's back to spending hours watching boxsets in front of the TV.

In the lottery thread it was discussed that winners lose friendships because they become a magnet for spongers. I think the truth is that a lot of so-called friendships are like this but less explicit. People want to gain something or climb the social hierarchy. Aristotle wrote about the weakest form of friendship being the utility friend.

Even if you have a shared interest with someone, what do you think would happen if either of you drifts away from that interest?

It's rare to find someone who is a true friend. One who you could confide in, enjoy their company without a contract of sorts. But even then, your time together may be limited.

My only advice is to establish a constant in your life. Whether it is a religion, meditation, a martial art etc it doesn't matter. Something that cultivates the soul. I think it's important to have something that you can rely on as a source of strength. As when you feel like you need it the most, those people you thought were friends may be nowhere to be seen.

 

[Eurofighter]

My 3 best friends are the ones I grew up with, maybe try and rekindle old friendships if possible, talk about old times.

 

[geekman]

Not to sound harsh, but meetup.co.uk sounds like a weird way to meet some weird people. I'm guessing it's like going on friend dates? I keep imagining it being like the film "I love you man" just without the Hollywood ending.

I thought exactly the same, but when I moved to France I went to a few of those type of things and met a really great group of people, many of whom are still close friends today. You get a small % of weirdos, sure, but overall I had a great time, and it's easy to avoid those you don't get along with as in general the meet-ups are large groups: not like a 1 on 1 type situation.

If I ever move countries again and find myself without a group of friends for whatever reason, I'd definitely do it again.

 

[mid_gen]

I thought exactly the same, but when I moved to France I went to a few of those type of things and met a really great group of people, many of whom are still close friends today. You get a small % of weirdos, sure, but overall I had a great time, and it's easy to avoid those you don't get along with as in general the meet-ups are large groups: not like a 1 on 1 type situation.

If I ever move countries again and find myself without a group of friends for whatever reason, I'd definitely do it again.

Been to quite a few Meetup events around the world. They're not a great way to make friends imo. Firstly they're full of dudes trying to get laid...even the ones that purport to be about topic XYZ. People that go to them regularly are usually just downright weird, often damaged people that can't maintain normal friendships. Lots of people at them have huge networks of acquaintances, but no actual friends (an easy trap to fall into when you live abroad). You get the odd decent normal person there, but they usually make a few friends and then move away from the Meetup pretty fast...so you gotta get lucky to meet a decent friend candidate.

Maybe OP should start blaming feminists for everything and join an incel echo-chamber? Seems popular with the kids these days.

But seriously, join a sport or activity team. Bouldering is a great social sport, and as a bonus will get you in great shape.

 

[deusexlumina]

Social media brought about the concept of 'socializing without socializing'. My experience is that this laziness has seeped into everyday life. People like to meet to say they have met, done some activity for an hour or so, but then it's back to spending hours watching boxsets in front of the TV.

From my experience I'd say this is true, and I've found it incredibly frustrating over recent years as the focused has definitely shifted from actually enjoying the event to making sure everyone else knows you've enjoyed the event.

Over the past few years I've watched as arranging events has turned from many people being really positive about it and committing early on, to people waiting until the last minute to pick the best option and then when they turn up, being pretty apathetic and disengaged.

A good thing to come out of it is that it's forced me to try and improve my own social skills and branch out a bit more to find decent people. It does work if you put the time in

 

[d_brennen]

I think after a hard days work and evenings sorting the kids out, most people just want to relax and go to bed. Then on a weekend it's playing with the kids, and early nights.

Yep, until they are in their mid/late teens and you're too uncool to be seen with

My little family is my life, I have few friends but don't feel lonely. Maybe once or twice a month I go out with a couple of friends and get smashed on Guinness and Jagermeister. Wouldn't want that more frequently tbh

 

[moon man]

Yeah conversation has never been natural to me either.

But more worrying than that, is that I actually get pretty bored listening to other people. Small talk is just so tedious. And very few conversations ever lead anywhere interesting.

yep so many people talk a lot but but pretty much say nothing

 

[Slam62]

What suits you need not be what suits someone else. What you like will be a horrible thought to some other people. People vary. Pressure to conform to things other people want you to be and you don't want to be is one cause of depression and suicide.

You will grow old and die alone, just like almost everyone else does. Nobody lives forever and few people die in groups. Even for those who do, I suspect they still die alone because it's not really a shared experience. Also, they're dead so they won't be caring any more. Because they're dead. Caring is for the living.

The only point in life is whatever point you decide it has. There isn't any real point, just points that people attach to it. Hardly anyone even makes any significant contribution to humanity...and even that's a subjective point rather than a real point. If you need a point, make one up. Or pick a religion and pretend that a more powerful entity or entities have made a point for you.

this is very true, whose to say people with loads of friends aren't really hiding from facing up to real life issues of some sort.
But does that matter, whatever makes you feel at ease.

I never recovered from when my best mate was killed at in a fiery car crash 30 of years ago, fortunately my wife is a very tolerant person.

 

[chrcoluk]

all I can say is you not alone, I am not much younger and I have no local friends, and also family who I dont spend much time with.

I think some good advise has been given with things like adult college and socialising based hobbies.

 

[EdwardTeach]

Am 48 and I have quiet a lot of friends but I hardly ever see them these days because there all married and have kids...

38,but similar here. Have a lot of great friends, but we rarely see each other. Doesn't help that most of us will no longer live near our mates now. I will probably go out with friends once or twice a month, so i might see some of my better friends 6 times a year or something crazy. Getting groups of friends together at the same time is very hard.

 

[Slam62]

yep so many people talk a lot but but pretty much say nothing

I find most social conversations far too contrived, for some reason I'm completely different on holiday I then love to meet new people, possibly because they tend to be separate from my world at home and I find their take on the world interesting.