Advice for a new dad (arguing after newborn)...

Maccapacca said:
You'll always be in the do do it'll just vary in depth. You are bottom of the heap get used to it.
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This really, if that is something you can't deal then you have a difficult choice to make. People say having kids is the best thing to happen to you, it's a massive lie told by people who don't want to be alone in their misery.
 
Young kids are hard work. Not sure if it gets any easier in the first 4 years or if you just get better at dealing with it. From then on it's just arguing with a smaller version of yourself for best part of two decades

ukxenon said:
I would break that habit now if the baby will not settle and always wants to be held..... my second child tried that and it took some time to break him out of it...
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QFT. My 7 year old still ends up in bed with us most nights
 
So based on what a few people have said, I could be doing more to help out at night. Fine. I'll offer to do the first feed of the night, using her expressed milk. If baby gets better with his postfeed sleeping that should give her a good 4-5 hour chunk of sleep (in theory).
 
ukxenon said:
I am male and have raised 3 kids here is my advice....some may sound nasty but it is not ment to be.


2. you're partner is breast feeding and she will be wiped out, breast feeding is great but i would bottle feed IMO baby feeds better ..aka eats more.
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I'm sorry but this is stupidly bad advise. I know each to thier own and all that, but your wife is breastfeeding. Which is an amazing achiement in todays lazy parents society. And it's an incredible thing.

Support her through this and suck it up.

Sleep or no sleep, nothing can prepare your child better then the milk she is providing.

Yes lack of sleep is ****. But remember she's had 9 or more months of this on top of yous! some dad's think sleeping whilst carrying a child is a breeze... It's not.

Parenting ain't easy. But it's worthwhile.
 
bushmins said:
10 years is not very long. I'm afraid things go out of fashion at such a fast rate and then revert back when people realize what a mistake they have been making (unfortunately to late for a lot of people).

We had a few midwifes who we talked to regarding feeding on demand, all of the ones with a lot of personal experience (30 or so years) were adamant that the changes to advice would cause all kinds of problems with the upbringing of children and stress on their parents. As a paediatrician you must be able to see what a problem this country now has be obesity in children. I collect my son from school and am shocked at how large the kids are, they grow up demanding and wanting. Its almost like the parents are conditioned to give food whenever the kids demand...
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You seem to link a lot of things with feeding patterns - none of that is evidence based. Obesity is not caused by demand feeding unless you know something the rest of the world doesn't. Demand feeding is not a "poor foundation for a child" as nearly every breast fed baby in the country is demand fed and has been for over a decade.

Breast feeding reduces obesity, whichever way you do it. That is evidence based. Establishing breast feeding is difficult and trying to do that on a schedule is nonsense.

Midwives are probably the most dubious of all independent healthcare professionals when it comes to evidence based practice.
 
kissenger said:
On the issue of waking up in the night, I'm willing to accept I might be wrong, but my thinking is: if my other half is on maternity, at least she can catch-up on sleep during the day (i.e., when the baby naps), whereas I have to work all day. I have said to her that I'm happy to do it on weekends when I'm not at work, but I think she expects more.
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I don't know why anyone hasn't really picked you up on this but yeah, you're wrong.

You had acknowledge that while the baby's awake it can be hard to get things done right? Even putting on a wash can be a bit of a problem, so when is a good time to do these things? Yeah... while the baby's sleeping. If it stresses her out not being able to do these things then she's not got a chance of sleeping.

I mean, just think about it rationally for when she does to get a nap:
1) That baby will sleep whenever it wants
2) The second that baby's head hits the pillow you need to run to bed and start TRYING to get to sleep
3) The baby stirs, makes a noise, coughs - your heart misses a beat just as you think you might have been getting to sleep
4) You get 10 minutes of peace and you finally drift off
5) The baby wakes just when you don't need it and suddenly you're feel worse than you were before.

Again, this is a discussion better had with your partner, but let us know her face when you tell her she can "at least catch up on sleep while the baby sleeps" - because... just... no.

Remember that you'll never see the worst of it. When you're on paternity I assume she was home as well? At the very least it's a second pair of eyes to give eachother a mental break while the other keeps an eye on the little one. You'll likely never experience the stress of being home alone with all that responsibility on your shoulders so make sure you understand exactly what she expects from you.

One last time, nothing is better than keeping open communication with your partner. Don't take to heart everything you read online, or from others, talk to your partner.

Like I say, google "mental load" and here's another take on it below:

https://www.bellybelly.com.au/baby-sleep/things-mothers-really-do-when-baby-sleeps/
The whole notion of daytime napping is impossible for mothers also who have pre-school aged children, who need mamma’s time when the baby sleeps. It completely voids any opportunities for catching any sleep, unless she has an extra pair of hands helping her out while her partner works.

At the end of the day, while it may help to solve one problem if you sleep when the baby sleeps (if baby stays asleep long enough to make it worth it), it poses another big problem. It means that mum is stuck in a cycle of being awake when the baby is awake, and being asleep when the baby is asleep. Why is that an issue? It means she gets no time for herself, or for the important things that need doing – things that wont do themselves. Sure, baby sleep problems don’t last forever – but we all need a break. If you had to do your day job from the minute you woke up, and then had to sleep at your desk, you’d go a little crazy too.

So before you volunteer some baby sleep advice, be prepared to listen, empathise and support, rather than give an opinion that she didn’t ask for. Its best to wait to be asked for advice when it comes to babies. Trust me, many mothers do get the idea that sleeping when the baby sleeps means they may get a little more sleep (if they don’t get stuck lying there in bed, thrashing over their to-do list). Ask her what you can do to help instead, and she’ll love you forever.
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Her hormones are going to all over the place, she is tired and probably scared at the enormity of the situation. Just be there for her, however scatty she gets, it will get better in time.

Next thing you know they start answering you back and go off to school and you wonder where all the time went!
 
Minstadave said:
Breast feeding reduces obesity, whichever way you do it. That is evidence based. Establishing breast feeding is difficult and trying to do that on a schedule is nonsense.
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Has breastfeeding been proven to reduce obesity or is is merely correlated with it? I've seen some research which suggests the benefits aren't significant when you control for things like social class.
 
Minstadave said:
You seem to link a lot of things with feeding patterns - none of that is evidence based. Obesity is not caused by demand feeding unless you know something the rest of the world doesn't. Demand feeding is not a "poor foundation for a child" as nearly every breast fed baby in the country is demand fed and has been for over a decade.

Breast feeding reduces obesity, whichever way you do it. That is evidence based. Establishing breast feeding is difficult and trying to do that on a schedule is nonsense.

Midwives are probably the most dubious of all independent healthcare professionals when it comes to evidence based practice.
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Breast feeding/obesity link, maybe people who breast feed aren't morons with other food? Pretty sure children eat only what they are given 99.9% of the time.

The biggest danger of using statistics is misstreporting causal links. Having an antique book case may reduce your chances of obesity, but only because you are likely to value knowledge over chicken pies
 
d_brennen said:
Breast feeding/obesity link, maybe people who breast feed aren't morons with other food? Pretty sure children eat only what they are given 99.9% of the time.

The biggest danger of using statistics is misstreporting causal links. Having an antique book case may reduce your chances of obesity, but only because you are likely to value knowledge over chicken pies
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The link is more than coincidence:

https://www.who.int/elena/titles/bbc/breastfeeding_childhood_obesity/en/

Growth pattern is different from the immediate post natal period well before they go onto a solid diet.
 
Wow. Firstly, as a father of two young girls i can safely say you need to get a grip. She has just given birth, her hormones will be all over the place and your on an internet forum whining.

It isnt easy, welcome to the club.
 
Minstadave said:
Midwives are probably the most dubious of all independent healthcare professionals when it comes to evidence based practice.
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Heh. Each to their own I guess. Give it another 10 years and you'll be eating your own words... On demand of course. I dont have any facts to back myself like your obviously well educated text book experience. I'll stick to actual experience and what I see any day of the week.

Sorry, I dont have anything intelligent to say. I'm happy, and my children are happy and inside my castle thats all that matters.
 
Frankly the general consensus is that breast feeding is best - for a reason. Doesn’t matter how you try and cut it, what research you read or which numpty you listen to, breast feeding is better for baby’s health, emotional connection with mummy, digestion, immunology and above all else, love.

HOWEVER, for the sake of your sanity and your marriage buy the insane hormone monster a present and let her feed the baby however she damn well wants.

You know why? Because if you let her have her way, you my friend will win. Ultimately you will be happier - because she will be happier.

I’ve got a three year old son and i adore him. I’ve got my second boy due in May. I can’t wait.

However I cannot for the life of me remember how I did it all first time around - guess I’ll just wing it again and try not to get shouted at.

Wish me luck.
 
LOAM said:
This really, if that is something you can't deal then you have a difficult choice to make. People say having kids is the best thing to happen to you, it's a massive lie told by people who don't want to be alone in their misery.
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Reading this thread makes me feel even more confident I do not want kids.

It genuinely sounds like torture. Just the lack of sleep sounds horrendous. Couple that with arguments with your spouse, work, house work.. It' amazing more people dont crack

Good luck OP
 
The amount of "men" in this thread who have rolled over for what seems like complete psychopaths is quite honestly, embarrassing. The only "push" present she'd be getting from me would be out the front door with her bags packed.

What does "getting ready for breastfeeding" mean? You pull your top down, stick baby on tit. That doesn't take 30 minutes. She needs to stop living in a fantasy land, and with your support, man the hell up and become a parent.
 
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