Advice for a new dad (arguing after newborn)...

[ttaskmaster]

NVM

 

[Syla5]

It was great I used to game all night and every now and again have to change the baby and feed the baby. She would get a full 8 to 10 hours sleep, as after giving birth they need to rest.

When she woke I made her a coffee and said the baby is fed and changed am off to kip as I was tired then we talking 9am, slept until about 4pm then got up made the tea and started gaming until 9am the next day.

I was the stay at home dad, I was lucky as I had my own little business fixing computers and if I got a call I just said you bring the problem to me. Most where software issues so did not take up too much of my time.

She went to work and also got me work from her job for me to do at home at the same time, but from experience I ****ing hate laptops.

So who looked after the baby while your wife went to work if you were the stay at home dad but slept from 9am to 4pm?

I am guessing you're not giving us the full picture and that your wife had maternity an you weren't a stay at home dad in the truest sense until your wife went back to work, by which time your little one was sleeping through and it was a lot easier.

 

[[FnG]magnolia]

With respect, itchy isn't reliablenarrator.txt

 

[Haggisman]

Count yourself lucky, my GF is only 8 weeks and the sleep deprivation has started already! Really bad hyperemesis so she's being sick pretty much 24/7.

Try to find something which helps the baby sleep, our first was 5 weeks early, and we had a very strict feeding schedule - every 2 hours. When the baby takes 20 mins to drink 40ml of milk, 20 mins to burp, and 30 mins to get to sleep, you've got less than an hour to sleep yourself before the next feed, which isn't ideal, we were lucky in that we found he got to sleep really quickly watching me play Skyrim of all things, I'd prop up him in the crook of my arm, he'd be mesmerised for 5-10 minutes and then be out for the count and we could put him in his moses basket, really helped us get through the otherwise very long nights!

 

[Sharlaw]

Best advice I can give is to talk about it with her.
If she's tired, annoyed and p'd off, and so are you. It's easy to take it personally when it's just the situation.
Talk and ensure you both know where you stand and that you'll do whatever you can to help.

 

[Stretch]

I've got twins due in a couple months. I think I'll be bookmarking this thread for advice.

And she won't be getting a push present!

The push present is the least of your problems.

Best advice I can give is to talk about it with her.

My best advice is let her do the talking, you do the listening, and hope she's in a better mood in the morning

 

[Malt_Vinegar]

Split the night.

We did, anything up to 12 was me, and anything after was Mrs.

I had to travel to work, and to meetings (flying and driving) so the it was safer for me to get a half decent sleep in, and the Mrs could get to bed early and leave me with the baby.

I could just plug a baby in (mostly) when she was asleep if needed during my time, as we did not express, and breast fed exclusively till 6 months.

It was a hard 6 months (each time) but you get into a routine, and each day generally gets better (trend-wise). Just don't get into arguments, and as you are both tired, and one of you is very hormonal.

You will find your own routing, but you have to share as much as possible.


Also, do not think you Mrs gets any time off during the day when you are out. It does not work like that!!

 

[itchy]

So who looked after the baby while your wife went to work if you were the stay at home dad but slept from 9am to 4pm?

I am guessing you're not giving us the full picture and that your wife had maternity an you weren't a stay at home dad in the truest sense until your wife went back to work, by which time your little one was sleeping through and it was a lot easier.

No you don't get it this was the 1st 6months she was on maternity leave, after that my graft was solid 12 to 14 hours a day. When she went back to work it got hard for me and her so she went down to 3 days a week.

She worked crazy hours 8 till 6pm or 11am until 9pm and she was not seeing her daughter as she was in bed by the time she got home.

Anyway it all sorted in the end but took about a year to 18 months to settle in the end. A few battles happened but we got through it.

 

[nantucket66]

Our little one is 5 at the end of this month, all good now, but right from the off it was tough going for my other half, less so for me but a rough first few months.

She had horrible sickness for the whole pregnancy (not just morning, but all day) and a tough 18 hour labour, needed stitches and all that. Plus after birth and for the first 3 or 4 months she was as sick as a dog, stomach cramps, sickness. Lots of tests, it turns out she had developed a massive lactose intolerance while pregnant, never an issue beforehand. Theory goes the sickness/pregnancy stripped her body of whatever is needed to breakdown the lactose. Once we knew the sickness stopped overnight which was a big step forward.

Plus our little monster wouldn't latch on to breastfeeding at all which affected my missus more than she let on initially, she really wanted to and was genuinely heartbroken by this. All of the above coupled with not much sleep hit hard. In a way though this was a blessing in disguise (although I'd never say it to her face) as it meant I could do night feeds so she could get more sleep. .

Lots of sleep (whenever you can, you need more than you think!), get into a routine, both for the baby and who does what each day was vital. Also time to yourselves both on your own and together away from the baby, even if it's just a long walk, a swim, a trip to starbucks or the cinema on a saturday afternoon while grandparents hold the fort is so important.

Most of the comments here are spot on, it gets easier, she's had it tougher than you when all is said and done.

We put the sprog into his own room at about 5 months and boom, he started sleeping through within a week or 2. I'll never ever forget waking up in the morning the first time we both had an unbroken nights sleep. Once in a while he still wakes up in the night, a wolf was tries to eat his feet the other night.

 

[D.P.]

I haven't read any replies but here are a few points.


As you realize, newbies are ******* intense. your wife is getting no sleep after doing the hardest thing a human can do.

Hormones are totally out of whack after birth.

You seem to be doing what you can, so accept the above. There is online much you can do, and if you are back at work then getting 5-6 your sleep minimum is required.

It gets easier. Weeks by week the baby will sleep more , eat less and be more content. You might even get a smile now and then.

It gets harder later. Problems change from a baby eating every hour to your child saying they hate you or your children are bullied, or they hatevthatvyou work all day, ...

A babybcabt communicate. They have a binary switch. The scream or They are quiet. Hard to figure out if there really is an issue. They also scream because they were crying 2 minutes ago, and enter and infinite loop of screaming over something minor. Somewhere there is an off switch, see below.

Research the 5 s. Swaddling, shooshing, swinging, sideways and I forget the fifth. Seriously, look it up. Like.nagic you will make a bay calm.

 

[D.P.]

Our little one is 5 at the end of this month, all good now, but right from the off it was tough going for my other half, less so for me but a rough first few months.

She had horrible sickness for the whole pregnancy (not just morning, but all day) and a tough 18 hour labour, needed stitches and all that. Plus after birth and for the first 3 or 4 months she was as sick as a dog, stomach cramps, sickness. Lots of tests, it turns out she had developed a massive lactose intolerance while pregnant, never an issue beforehand. Theory goes the sickness/pregnancy stripped her body of whatever is needed to breakdown the lactose. Once we knew the sickness stopped overnight which was a big step forward.

Plus our little monster wouldn't latch on to breastfeeding at all which affected my missus more than she let on initially, she really wanted to and was genuinely heartbroken by this. All of the above coupled with not much sleep hit hard. In a way though this was a blessing in disguise (although I'd never say it to her face) as it meant I could do night feeds so she could get more sleep. .

Lots of sleep (whenever you can, you need more than you think!), get into a routine, both for the baby and who does what each day was vital. Also time to yourselves both on your own and together away from the baby, even if it's just a long walk, a swim, a trip to starbucks or the cinema on a saturday afternoon while grandparents hold the fort is so important.

Most of the comments here are spot on, it gets easier, she's had it tougher than you when all is said and done.

We put the sprog into his own room at about 5 months and boom, he started sleeping through within a week or 2. I'll never ever forget waking up in the morning the first time we both had an unbroken nights sleep. Once in a while he still wakes up in the night, a wolf was tries to eat his feet the other night.

Our first for just didnt latch on at all. Took both of us , holding nipple forcing mouth open, pressing against breast, holding head, holding nipple. Jsug wasntvnatursl, was frustrating. Multiple lactation consultations etc. All the sexindaeynrpobkesm, not enough body mass gain, mastitis reduces milk supply etc. Nightnare

Second qas a naturls pro. Could crawl up and just chump down. Just throw him on the same bed and he would find a way. Opposite problem with blistered bleeding nipples etc.

 

[Jean-F]

In my case, after a few months we both worked so I was trying to balance the getting up in the night, as per my discussion with Avahuasca I’m well aware of sleep deprivation and it’s effects but for a lot of HGV drivers that’s often easier to overcome due to not having any regular sleep routine due to varied start and finish times and a readily available place to get your head down for an hour if necessary which say an office or construction worker would struggle to do.

It’s down to being sensible and stopping if you feel tired and not trying to fight it which unfortunately many do - I see it often.

In fact, I’m typing this whilst having my break on my bunk and it’s now time for a nap.

Scania, both Ayahuasca and Angilion have a point, and a valid one at that, but as an ex HGV driver, who still hold the licence, I know what you mean.
I’ve belted up and down the M1, M6, and across Europe from Calais to Lyon, and Ostende to Düsseldorf, and I’ve had some blinding zzzzzs in the sleeper of the LHD Merc that I drove for most of the time.
Of course there were guys, fiddling around with their tachometers, who’d drive for 5,6, or more hours at a stretch, but personally, as soon as my eyes felt heavy, I’d pull into a Routier (if I was in France), and just crash out until I woke up.
The best, most relaxing sleep ever, but there were times when I woke up, and it would take me four or five minutes to work out where I was, and where I was going, but the only accident I ever had, was when I was stationary, in a factory in Aubange, Belgian-Luxembourg border, and a Finnish guy sideswiped my trailer.

 

[Angilion]

In my case, after a few months we both worked so I was trying to balance the getting up in the night, as per my discussion with Avahuasca I’m well aware of sleep deprivation and it’s effects but for a lot of HGV drivers that’s often easier to overcome due to not having any regular sleep routine due to varied start and finish times and a readily available place to get your head down for an hour if necessary which say an office or construction worker would struggle to do.

It’s down to being sensible and stopping if you feel tired and not trying to fight it which unfortunately many do - I see it often.

In fact, I’m typing this whilst having my break on my bunk and it’s now time for a nap.

That's fair enough. I wasn't aware that you were allowed to pull over and sleep if necessary. I knew HGVs have sleeping quarters (some look quite nice, like a very small but well designed mini-bedsit that could probably be sold for a fair bit in some parts of London) but I didn't know drivers were allowed to use them as needed.

 

[Combat squirrel]

WTH is a "push present"?

The latest attempt by capatilism to get you to spend money.....shops and businesses desperately try and make countless things 'traditional' so everyone starts doing it and guess what....you spend more money.

I.e. The latest marketing fad around giving birth and spending even more mone... Another idea from the biggest capatilists of them all - the USA

 

[CREATIVE!11]

This thread is a great contraceptive.

Reminds me to not have kids ever. Thanks OP.

But to be fair it sounds like you are doing everything you can, really what more can you do? you just try and do your share of the work. Also if she isn't around couldn't you just bottle feed now and again?

 

[kissenger]

Really don't even entertain this, let alone encourage and make it easier to do. The fact you mention you are taking all the precautions such as no drinking or smoking is concerning, mum shouldn't be drinking anyway especially while breastfeeding and only 3 weeks after birth, and smoking shouldn't be being done at all, not in the house, not out of the house, not any time you are going to go near your baby within hours.

It seems a lot of the issues are stemming around feeding and how much time is spent feeding, and how impactful it seems to be. Have you discussed your wife expressing so that you can really help out with the night shift or even a few during the day to help her out to get a proper break / sleep??

Have you considered formula if expressing isn't an option??

******* push present...this isn't America GTFO. Unless some freak reality change happened to your wife I suspect she was already materialistic / high maintenance and you've probably spent years supporting this behaviour then encouraging it and it really does come across a little spoilt bratish, and now she is having to deal with a new born baby taking up all her precious "me time" and really hasn't prepared for it, which is why she sounds like such a dragon.

Its concerning to say this, but early signs are that this is baby of inconvenience, poor child.

I don't know how you can arrive at the judgement that this is 'a baby of convenience' (I'm not even sure what that even means) from what I wrote. I suspect it's partly down to your lack of reading comprehension: neither of us smoke (in fact any relatives who do smoke are not allowed around baby until at least 20 minutes after smoking, as per the current NHS advice) or drink. I mention those things purely in the context of the medical advice on 'safe sleeping' with newborns.

 

[kissenger]

This is a great thing as well, worth the investment or ask other parents as you might be able to borrow one from someone.

We have a Next To Me crib and a Sleepyhead and a moses. He just doesn't like being put in any of them. Wants he mum all the time.

 

[Scania]

Scania, both Ayahuasca and Angilion have a point, and a valid one at that, but as an ex HGV driver, who still hold the licence, I know what you mean.
I’ve belted up and down the M1, M6, and across Europe from Calais to Lyon, and Ostende to Düsseldorf, and I’ve had some blinding zzzzzs in the sleeper of the LHD Merc that I drove for most of the time.
Of course there were guys, fiddling around with their tachometers, who’d drive for 5,6, or more hours at a stretch, but personally, as soon as my eyes felt heavy, I’d pull into a Routier (if I was in France), and just crash out until I woke up.
The best, most relaxing sleep ever, but there were times when I woke up, and it would take me four or five minutes to work out where I was, and where I was going, but the only accident I ever had, was when I was stationary, in a factory in Aubange, Belgian-Luxembourg border, and a Finnish guy sideswiped my trailer.

That's fair enough. I wasn't aware that you were allowed to pull over and sleep if necessary. I knew HGVs have sleeping quarters (some look quite nice, like a very small but well designed mini-bedsit that could probably be sold for a fair bit in some parts of London) but I didn't know drivers were allowed to use them as needed.

Unfortunately a lot of drivers are afraid of “what the boss will say” if they stop when tired and are subsequently late for a delivery or re-load which could be refused/cancelled, I’ve had it myself in the past, had an hour or so in the services, missed my slot and the load was refused which caused my subsequent re-load to be refused as well.
My boss at the time (Eddie Stobart) we’re not happy but accepted that I didn’t do this regularly and it’s better to arrive late than not at all....

Smaller outfits who can’t absorb any unexpected costs like this are a real problem as can some (but by no means all) one man band owner operators, I frequently see drivers pulling containers on the A14 who are clearly nodding off and give them a blast of the horn to try to drop a hint.

As I say, if I feel tired, sod what the customer or boss thinks, I stop, end of discussion, more than once I’ve ended up stopped for the night less than an hour from home, I could easily have carried on and got back, but it just isn’t worth it once you start to nod...

 

[Hades]

We have a Next To Me crib and a Sleepyhead and a moses. He just doesn't like being put in any of them. Wants he mum all the time.

Of course he does. Nothing is a substitute for his mum if he knows that crying will get him what he wants. If he always gets picked up when he cries then he is being taught to cry.

 

[Bar]

So as a father of 5 ive been through this once or twice. First off its hard. No getting around that fact. It also ***** your normal routines, stress levels are up, hormones all over the place and sleep is now a thing of the past for a while. That all needs to be accepted.

One of the greatest baby items we ever bought was a baby hammock (think we had the Miyo baby hammock with wooden frame) this was a god send. It wraps the baby snug so they feel safe and gently rocks them. Worked wonders. The next key piece of advice is swaddling, people did it for hundreds of years and they work a treat, again the all round pressure calms and sooths the baby. Listen to your wife, its so fundamental, but not just for letting her feel listened to and heard, you are the first person who should identify whether or not your wife starts to suffer from Post Natal Depression - caught early and with the right support it can be managed easily.

On a final note, one of the greatest tips was mounting a hook above the bed for the hammock, my wife could simply sit up, latch the baby on while they were in the hammock and then go back to sleep. Once the baby had finished feeding they stopped sucking and naturally swung away safely.