Do you ever feel your kids rule you?
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I was just offering an opinion and some advice based on my experience, balance is the key which may not have come across in my initial post but that's because I took it from the OPs post his daughter was lacking in discipline/Structure a bit, I apologise if wrong OP.
A good balance of discipline and "Going with the flow" is needed, as best you can anyway.
I was 9 in 1989, technologically life back then seems like stone age now, but there weren't all these different global influences bombarding me. I was very rooted and felt a real sense of place in my household, street and town. I didn't really dwell on anything outside my bubble and it was probably the same for all my ancestors going back a thousand years.
The current generation are part of an experiment and a way of living nobody has experienced before. The internet and smart phones are is still a joy and novelty to me because I remember the time before them and know they are artificial and just tools. For younger people they are a way of life and this is a worry if it turns out they can't live without them.
The current generation are part of an experiment and a way of living nobody has experienced before. The internet and smart phones are is still a joy and novelty to me because I remember the time before them and know they are artificial and just tools. For younger people they are a way of life and this is a worry if it turns out they can't live without them.
Yeah early nineties for me. C64 and LPs were the thing. Internet wasn't really a thing kids just knocked about the estate riding bikes all day till sun down. Its a scary world now. I try to monitor what she is watching (my account) enabled no adult theme stuff. But i feel kids are growing up too fast with social media forcing them to adopt to what is current because they have everything on a screen to flip through.
When we went on holiday to france last year we banned devices. Low and behold the apartment had a smart tv just can't escape it!
I agree. I have a nine-year-old and there's no way I'd let her on YouTube without keeping a close eye on it (and even then for small amounts).
Utter, boring consistency is key.
But, Phrases, parenting is difficult if you're doing it properly. Kids take over your life no matter how good they are.
I have 8 and 10 year old. It is not easy, there is no manual and if there was, like most manuals I probably wouldn't have read it. You simply cannot let them decide how much screen time they have, that is disastrous and in no way is it OK for a kids of that age to dictate and sit in bed watching youtube.
Yeah that's a good should actually, I'll ask my 9 year old niece to raise me better.
Oh i know wasn't expecting it to be easy i mean we've been at this 9yrs now i think we have learnt over that course. However it just feels like in the last 12 months things have started going off. She often gives us attitude and answers back quite a bit. I mean i remember doing exactly that as a kid testing the boundaries. I don't take it off her and shut her down before long but my wife seems to go into a deadlock with her now and then. And i end up at the tail end with a miserable mrs. I think last night i was probably reflecting on what a crappy week its been with long hours and getting home when everyone is in bed can take its toll on you. We've got a wedding to go to tomorrow and i am already foreseeing the 1.5hr fight to get her dressed and ready in time.
Just trying to find an equilibrium these days where we can all just co-exsist without too much turmoil.
We have four children 8-17 its hard work often but my wife and i agreed early on No means no.
We have no discussion with the kids over things like this we say stop they listen or we just remove the item in question we will not listen to why it’s unfair or any other none sense.
Be consistent if you say you will reward for x or punish for y make sure it happens or you are just sending mixed signals and it will give children a valid point to argue with you.
We have no discussion with the kids over things like this we say stop they listen or we just remove the item in question we will not listen to why it’s unfair or any other none sense.
Be consistent if you say you will reward for x or punish for y make sure it happens or you are just sending mixed signals and it will give children a valid point to argue with you.
Soldato
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I would be wary of advice from other parents. They will assume that the tactics they employ are the reason their kids are complicit, but in reality it's the kids character that makes or breaks the relationship, and the tactics can only work if the child agrees to comply. Whether that agreement is premeditated/conscious or not is irrelevant. That's why people will trot out instructions to you like it's a guaranteed set of rules to follow - they simply don't realise that if your child decides to be obstructive then there's very little you can do.
You can't understand what it's like to deal with something like this unless you experience it. It's utterly draining and to be honest it can be quite depressing dealing with it night after night after night. It can also strain your relationship with your wife, and I don't just mean fights - you can get to a stage where you don't even feel like a couple any more as your kid is just constantly dictating everything.
I believe a big part of the issue for you is down to her being an only child. She's seeing you more like equals rather than parents. I would also think the constant battle for control is upsetting her as much as it's upsetting you.
You might need to accept that this is her character and it's just how she's going to be. Rather than engage in a constant battle for control, you might need to develop tactics to deal with it. It could be that your daughter enjoys the attention from all the drama (even if it upsets her), so you could have a think about how you can substitute that for attention in other ways.
Make sure you spell your wife and give her some time to herself. Take your daughter swimming or gymnastics or whatever, just make sure you give your wife some down time even if it's just an hour or two at a time. Reducing your hours at work was a good move.
Good luck with it. And try not to feel guilty about airing your frustrations; my daughter is very similar and I adore her just like you adore yours. They're just really, really hard work.
You can't understand what it's like to deal with something like this unless you experience it. It's utterly draining and to be honest it can be quite depressing dealing with it night after night after night. It can also strain your relationship with your wife, and I don't just mean fights - you can get to a stage where you don't even feel like a couple any more as your kid is just constantly dictating everything.
I believe a big part of the issue for you is down to her being an only child. She's seeing you more like equals rather than parents. I would also think the constant battle for control is upsetting her as much as it's upsetting you.
You might need to accept that this is her character and it's just how she's going to be. Rather than engage in a constant battle for control, you might need to develop tactics to deal with it. It could be that your daughter enjoys the attention from all the drama (even if it upsets her), so you could have a think about how you can substitute that for attention in other ways.
Make sure you spell your wife and give her some time to herself. Take your daughter swimming or gymnastics or whatever, just make sure you give your wife some down time even if it's just an hour or two at a time. Reducing your hours at work was a good move.
Good luck with it. And try not to feel guilty about airing your frustrations; my daughter is very similar and I adore her just like you adore yours. They're just really, really hard work.
I would be wary of advice from other parents. They will assume that the tactics they employ are the reason their kids are complicit, but in reality it's the kids character that makes or breaks the relationship, and the tactics can only work if the child agrees to comply. Whether that agreement is premeditated/conscious or not is irrelevant. That's why people will trot out instructions to you like it's a guaranteed set of rules to follow - they simply don't realise that if your child decides to be obstructive then there's very little you can do.
You can't understand what it's like to deal with something like this unless you experience it. It's utterly draining and to be honest it can be quite depressing dealing with it night after night after night. It can also strain your relationship with your wife, and I don't just mean fights - you can get to a stage where you don't even feel like a couple any more as your kid is just constantly dictating everything.
I believe a big part of the issue for you is down to her being an only child. She's seeing you more like equals rather than parents. I would also think the constant battle for control is upsetting her as much as it's upsetting you.
You might need to accept that this is her character and it's just how she's going to be. Rather than engage in a constant battle for control, you might need to develop tactics to deal with it. It could be that your daughter enjoys the attention from all the drama (even if it upsets her), so you could have a think about how you can substitute that for attention in other ways.
Make sure you spell your wife and give her some time to herself. Take your daughter swimming or gymnastics or whatever, just make sure you give your wife some down time even if it's just an hour or two at a time. Reducing your hours at work was a good move.
Good luck with it. And try not to feel guilty about airing your frustrations; my daughter is very similar and I adore her just like you adore yours. They're just really, really hard work.
Thanks for that. I do feel she is competing for attention at times because we have so little time together as a family and its a strain on her as much as it is on us. Its nothing to do with manning up and growing a pair as some might think. You have to nurture your kids as best you can and hope they grow into good human beings. We had a decent day of it today as it was my day off so i kicked it with her for a few hours just watching tv and playing some games doing the usual dad stuff like throwing her around the house kid loves power slams oddly enough
Then it came to dinner time and she refused to sit at the table without the tv on. Took awhile and a tantrum of her storming out me and the mrs having a slight power struggle of words. I did raise my voice but only after she wouldn't listen and kept on with her tantrum of slamming the doors. Soon as i do that she stops but its not something i choose or want to do often as she gets pretty upset and its kind of a dick move to yell at your kids to scare them stiff. But anyway we got there in the end and ended having conversastions about random stuff.
I know as she gets older i am going to miss out on all the randomness so i want to make the most of it while i can thus the reason to cut back on the hours even if it means a slight dial down in spending it will be worth it for a few more cuddles now and then.
I would be wary of advice from other parents. They will assume that the tactics they employ are the reason their kids are complicit, but in reality it's the kids character that makes or breaks the relationship, and the tactics can only work if the child agrees to comply. Whether that agreement is premeditated/conscious or not is irrelevant. That's why people will trot out instructions to you like it's a guaranteed set of rules to follow - they simply don't realise that if your child decides to be obstructive then there's very little you can do.
You can't understand what it's like to deal with something like this unless you experience it. It's utterly draining and to be honest it can be quite depressing dealing with it night after night after night. It can also strain your relationship with your wife, and I don't just mean fights - you can get to a stage where you don't even feel like a couple any more as your kid is just constantly dictating everything.
I believe a big part of the issue for you is down to her being an only child. She's seeing you more like equals rather than parents. I would also think the constant battle for control is upsetting her as much as it's upsetting you.
You might need to accept that this is her character and it's just how she's going to be. Rather than engage in a constant battle for control, you might need to develop tactics to deal with it. It could be that your daughter enjoys the attention from all the drama (even if it upsets her), so you could have a think about how you can substitute that for attention in other ways.
Make sure you spell your wife and give her some time to herself. Take your daughter swimming or gymnastics or whatever, just make sure you give your wife some down time even if it's just an hour or two at a time. Reducing your hours at work was a good move.
Good luck with it. And try not to feel guilty about airing your frustrations; my daughter is very similar and I adore her just like you adore yours. They're just really, really hard work.
I couldn't agree more. I've a few kids all but one respond to the usual tactic.
None of the normal tactics work on that kid. For kids like that the advice above is roughly how it works.
But the thing is I’m sure your parents or if not your grandparents would actually say the same about the differences between their generation and yours. Indoor toilets, those new fangled electrical computers and not being bombed by the Nazi’s. Luxury kid, you don’t know you’re born.
Soldato
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I was in a to maxxxx recently where a similar aged boy was sitting on the ground watching a YouTube video of fortnight with headphones in. No obvious signs of anything wrong. I did voice my thoughts to the other half the next aisle over, while also pointing out I know for some kids with a behaviour issue it can be a coping method, a distraction to the environment for them to behave.
It's upsetting this day and age of kids addiction to technology and easy parenting methods screens have brought. I know kids who are nursery age with their own tablets and mother's posting on FB how at 10oclock at night went into check on them and they're sharing a tablet (so one each) and bed and how cute it was. I just thought how wrong it was that a child of that age was already that addicted to screens and awake at gone 10.
It's upsetting this day and age of kids addiction to technology and easy parenting methods screens have brought. I know kids who are nursery age with their own tablets and mother's posting on FB how at 10oclock at night went into check on them and they're sharing a tablet (so one each) and bed and how cute it was. I just thought how wrong it was that a child of that age was already that addicted to screens and awake at gone 10.
Thing is we don't know where this technology thing is going do we? There is no definitive proof of it being bad, however you define bad, from the scientific community it's just a lot of feelings and instincts right now.
I have the feeling it is bad and thus err on the side of caution and sensibly allow access to devices (everything in moderation etc etc) but I clearly remember from my parents how much grief I used to get about the TV and then the PlayStation when gaming machines got "big" when I was young and the horror stories around those. Retrospect there was no real issues with them.
Parent as best you can, make the judgement calls you think are right, but I do roll my eyes hard at the "all devices are evil and little Johnny/Jenny would never touch a tablet" brigade because they are clearly talking BS and completely severing a child from something which is becoming integral to life is just silly. They use devices to teach in school, for homework, in my place all engineering manuals are on hand through iPad, I've been in private hospitals where they use devices for records on the go etc etc.
Just be sensible and parent, and live your own life, in moderation and devices will just be another useful tool to help navigate life.
I have the feeling it is bad and thus err on the side of caution and sensibly allow access to devices (everything in moderation etc etc) but I clearly remember from my parents how much grief I used to get about the TV and then the PlayStation when gaming machines got "big" when I was young and the horror stories around those. Retrospect there was no real issues with them.
Parent as best you can, make the judgement calls you think are right, but I do roll my eyes hard at the "all devices are evil and little Johnny/Jenny would never touch a tablet" brigade because they are clearly talking BS and completely severing a child from something which is becoming integral to life is just silly. They use devices to teach in school, for homework, in my place all engineering manuals are on hand through iPad, I've been in private hospitals where they use devices for records on the go etc etc.
Just be sensible and parent, and live your own life, in moderation and devices will just be another useful tool to help navigate life.
I've got 3 kids, 6, 4 and 2. They have a tablet they share, not because we can't afford one each but me and my wife try and limit screen time as much as possible now while they are young. I realise we will lose them to the internet in the future but while they are kids we let them be kids, they play outside, with toys, which each other. Nerf guns, scaletrix, remote control cars all the sort of stuff I did as a kid.
They get 30 mins of tablet time a day each, in the future this will change I'm sure but for now they are happy. If we visit their cousins or their grandparents etc we don't have to take tablets with them to keep them entertained they are used to playing.
I love technology and gadgets I'm a nerd at heart, but me and my wife feel quite strongly about letting kids be kids, I think technology is removing some of that in this day and age, or at least changing it in a way we disagree with.
Do what you feel is best for your family, set boundaries, be consistent and make sure you and your wife are on the same page. Talk things through together and make a plan. I wish you all the best, parenting is a daily challenge for all of us nobody has it all figured out.
They get 30 mins of tablet time a day each, in the future this will change I'm sure but for now they are happy. If we visit their cousins or their grandparents etc we don't have to take tablets with them to keep them entertained they are used to playing.
I love technology and gadgets I'm a nerd at heart, but me and my wife feel quite strongly about letting kids be kids, I think technology is removing some of that in this day and age, or at least changing it in a way we disagree with.
Do what you feel is best for your family, set boundaries, be consistent and make sure you and your wife are on the same page. Talk things through together and make a plan. I wish you all the best, parenting is a daily challenge for all of us nobody has it all figured out.