Do you ever feel your kids rule you?

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Our daughter is almost 9 and it feels like mine and the wifes life is owned by her.

What i mean by that is day to day running of things is hellish and the older shes gotten the worse its become. I work stupidly long hours i just about make bedtime which is supposed to be 8.30pm yet the kid is still awake watching youtube at 10.30pm.

She watches too damn much youtube so much so its on in the living room, the bedroom anywhere shes flipping between its on. We try to take her on trips to the park to wear her down and suggest board games and crafts but during the week its pretty hard as we both work full time and my shifts can often mean i am not home often enough to deal with family life.

I've done things such as block internet access that works for awhile then i have to remove it during the holidays and forget to enable it again as work drains my soul.

All we get is answering back (sometimes comical where she makes a valid point!) But it feels like when its time to unwind she is constantly still on one. Up and down the stairs refusing to go to bed for numerous reasons usually revolving around needing a drink or dragging the poor mut up the stairs into her room.

It feels like sometimes me and the mrs aren't on the same page when it comes to disipline and in some cases i can be a soft touch due to being a kid and having a strict upbringing i didn't want to go too harsh on her.

But i just feel lately we have little time to do anything for ourselves. 8.5/10 times we adore her because she is an only child and has moments where she is a good kid and listens and now and then helps by not making the house look like a bomb went off.

Just ranting i guess. But someone tell me it gets better before the dredded tweens happen and she walks around as if the world is about to end.

 

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Grow a pair.

I wondered how long this would take. You didn't dissapoint

 

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No. But then my wife and I are consistent with discipline so it is basically 2 vs 1. She also knows that no means no and so knows not to bother arguing.

Her YouTube habits are completely in your control, you are just choosing not to deal with it as it is easier not to.

Yes this is somewhat true. We get dragged into 10-20min discussions on why she shouldn't be doing what she is doing. Before you know its midnight and shes fast asleep. Rinse and repeat the next night.

 

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We sometimes have hissy fits about clothing too. Things are too tight she will have to yank and pull at them to stretch them before she will wear them. Often refusing to change the next day. We spoke to a doctor about this and she has a sensory issue something she hopefully grows out of but i am not so sure about it.

Her behaviour just changed during the last year when she moved up into a new year at school. Just feels like slowly we have slipped and need to start reeling it in. Currently my wife is sleeping in her room as it was a 20min debate about her staying in our bed which she wouldn't move out of until my wife got into her bed. Testing times.

 

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Work is hard, but then so is raising a family well. If you make it home by 8 - 8.30 and she's trying to stay up two hours later, how about making the extra effort and doing things together in those couple of hours, rather than letting her access YouTube in countless different ways. Even wean her off it by doing your dinner together and then watching something on YouTube together - one for her, one for you - before stopping and then washing and cleaning up together and talking about what you just watched etc. Parenting 101.

Yeah i agree we don't do this often enough. The only real time we get any real family time is meal times. But of course followed by a discussion about turning youtube off until dinner is over. Followed by tantrums and hiding the remote for the tv. Guess i just want to know if anybody else has these family crisis moments and how they deal with them in under 5mins

 

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The only way out of this is to be a great big wall of impenetrable love, do what you need to do in stopping YouTube but tell her why you are doing it and that you want family life to be happier. Be honest but be definitive and completely strict that the rules are the rules because you want a happy house.

Be prepared for a bomb to go off at first, your child is addicted and cold turkey will be a shock to her system. You have to stay loving and encouraging, tell her she has a choice, life can be fun if she wants to engage or it can hard if she chooses YouTube over family. She needs to know you will be unshakeable whichever way she wants to go.

Good luck

That is a great post one i'll show the wife to coax her to be on board more. Thanks.

 

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You need to set some boundaries. She goes against them, she can't have what she wants.

100% agree with you trouble is those boundaries fall by the way side when i am not around so the kid gets mixed messages. She often heads up to her room to using makeup tutorials on youtube and we are both guilty of not engaging with her enough at times due to be wiped out. Kid is growing up fast. I often wonder where it blipped by so quickly from her toddler years when she was much more managable.

 

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Just take her tablet off of her and put her to bed, after a few nights of crying she'll learn.

Done many a time. She doesn't get upset just starts a slanging match from the stairs to living room. We don't give in but it usually takes upto an hour of stomping around trying to wind us up before she quits and nods off.

 

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Cheers for your thoughts guys.

Going to have a sit down with the wife tonight plan some time out of the house together as a family as its not often we all get to do something together my wife mainly does the running around as i tend to do overtime and honestly its probably an escape more so than the money is needed.

Don't get me wrong here she isn't a bad kid she knows when enough is enough but every now and then her behaviour takes a turn and it can be a bumpy couple of days to get her back on track, especially this school holiday things have run to the way side as i've barely seen them this week.

Thinking about taking a cut in my hours too as its a constant niggle in the back of my mind and i know i am not home as much as i should be, My wife is beat most days from work and i don't credit her enough for having to deal with things whilst i am not around.

We are currently saving for a trip to florida next year its almost paid for so that is something we are all looking forward to and the downtime away from the house will be a good change.

 

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Two things about this, first is that cutting your hours, if you can afford it, could be a good thing if you spend that time with your daughter. I suffer from depression but have only recently been diagnosed, since though i have spent more time just getting out the house with my daughter for walks. Just giving her that time to skip along and talk rubbish with me has improved our relationship no end. I hadn't realised how my own introspective behaviour and long hours at work (causing the depression) impacted on our relationship.

The other is that a trip to Florida sounds like a massive thing for you as a family, sorry if that assumption is incorrect, and I know you can't threaten to cancel the trip once committed, but why not make a contract with her?

We're going to Florida and this is the itinerary as it stands, however if we see the following improvements in OUR behaviour then we will do these extra things.

As part of that, recognise that there are things you could do differently, don't make it all out to be her fault, concede you could spend more time with her or whetever it is, and stick to that as you would expect her to stick to whatever it is you ask of her.

I feel you there in regards to the long hours impacting on my state of mind. I know its not been great for me since i can come home after 12-14hrs at work inc travel and just be ready to hit the hay as soon i walk through the door so in that aspect that is down to me being unwilling to make a change. My wife has often asked for me to do more together as a family and i've always knocked it off till the week after which never comes. In part most of this is likely to be my fault as i know when i am around its hard to coax me to want to do things over than chill out and power down for the weekend again this does not help with state of mind as you become locked into that way of thinking.

I had a chat with my boss this morning and decided to cut down on my hours so thats a start.

 

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Get a decent router and put the wireless on a timer so it goes off at 9pm and back on at 7am or so, she sounds like your typical social media addicted child another few years she'll be trying to shut down airports to save the planet.

Hahaha no way she is pretty cynical for her age. She is a kid who will sit on the fence for awhile watching the others before joining in trying to work out if shes too cool for them or not. She mainly watches her gymnastics stuff. But now and then its those annoying chad clay wilder or vv quay whatever her name is. Glad shes moved on from cookieswirl C though her voice ripped through my soul.

i do have mac address filtering enabled so after a certain time it will cut off internet to her devices all 3 of them!

We have come to an agreement that 10pm during school hols and 8.30pm during school term means she doesn't continue watching till she falls asleep. Going to see how it goes first and see if the ground rules are listened to so she has come level of trust her way.

 

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@Diddums Think you need some parenting yourself with that deflective behaviour there. Tut tut

 

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I was 9 in 1989, technologically life back then seems like stone age now, but there weren't all these different global influences bombarding me. I was very rooted and felt a real sense of place in my household, street and town. I didn't really dwell on anything outside my bubble and it was probably the same for all my ancestors going back a thousand years.

The current generation are part of an experiment and a way of living nobody has experienced before. The internet and smart phones are is still a joy and novelty to me because I remember the time before them and know they are artificial and just tools. For younger people they are a way of life and this is a worry if it turns out they can't live without them.

Yeah early nineties for me. C64 and LPs were the thing. Internet wasn't really a thing kids just knocked about the estate riding bikes all day till sun down. Its a scary world now. I try to monitor what she is watching (my account) enabled no adult theme stuff. But i feel kids are growing up too fast with social media forcing them to adopt to what is current because they have everything on a screen to flip through.

When we went on holiday to france last year we banned devices. Low and behold the apartment had a smart tv just can't escape it!

 

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I agree. I have a nine-year-old and there's no way I'd let her on YouTube without keeping a close eye on it (and even then for small amounts).

Utter, boring consistency is key.

But, Phrases, parenting is difficult if you're doing it properly. Kids take over your life no matter how good they are.

Oh i know wasn't expecting it to be easy i mean we've been at this 9yrs now i think we have learnt over that course. However it just feels like in the last 12 months things have started going off. She often gives us attitude and answers back quite a bit. I mean i remember doing exactly that as a kid testing the boundaries. I don't take it off her and shut her down before long but my wife seems to go into a deadlock with her now and then. And i end up at the tail end with a miserable mrs. I think last night i was probably reflecting on what a crappy week its been with long hours and getting home when everyone is in bed can take its toll on you. We've got a wedding to go to tomorrow and i am already foreseeing the 1.5hr fight to get her dressed and ready in time.

Just trying to find an equilibrium these days where we can all just co-exsist without too much turmoil.

 

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I would be wary of advice from other parents. They will assume that the tactics they employ are the reason their kids are complicit, but in reality it's the kids character that makes or breaks the relationship, and the tactics can only work if the child agrees to comply. Whether that agreement is premeditated/conscious or not is irrelevant. That's why people will trot out instructions to you like it's a guaranteed set of rules to follow - they simply don't realise that if your child decides to be obstructive then there's very little you can do.

You can't understand what it's like to deal with something like this unless you experience it. It's utterly draining and to be honest it can be quite depressing dealing with it night after night after night. It can also strain your relationship with your wife, and I don't just mean fights - you can get to a stage where you don't even feel like a couple any more as your kid is just constantly dictating everything.

I believe a big part of the issue for you is down to her being an only child. She's seeing you more like equals rather than parents. I would also think the constant battle for control is upsetting her as much as it's upsetting you.

You might need to accept that this is her character and it's just how she's going to be. Rather than engage in a constant battle for control, you might need to develop tactics to deal with it. It could be that your daughter enjoys the attention from all the drama (even if it upsets her), so you could have a think about how you can substitute that for attention in other ways.

Make sure you spell your wife and give her some time to herself. Take your daughter swimming or gymnastics or whatever, just make sure you give your wife some down time even if it's just an hour or two at a time. Reducing your hours at work was a good move.

Good luck with it. And try not to feel guilty about airing your frustrations; my daughter is very similar and I adore her just like you adore yours. They're just really, really hard work.

Thanks for that. I do feel she is competing for attention at times because we have so little time together as a family and its a strain on her as much as it is on us. Its nothing to do with manning up and growing a pair as some might think. You have to nurture your kids as best you can and hope they grow into good human beings. We had a decent day of it today as it was my day off so i kicked it with her for a few hours just watching tv and playing some games doing the usual dad stuff like throwing her around the house kid loves power slams oddly enough

Then it came to dinner time and she refused to sit at the table without the tv on. Took awhile and a tantrum of her storming out me and the mrs having a slight power struggle of words. I did raise my voice but only after she wouldn't listen and kept on with her tantrum of slamming the doors. Soon as i do that she stops but its not something i choose or want to do often as she gets pretty upset and its kind of a dick move to yell at your kids to scare them stiff. But anyway we got there in the end and ended having conversastions about random stuff.

I know as she gets older i am going to miss out on all the randomness so i want to make the most of it while i can thus the reason to cut back on the hours even if it means a slight dial down in spending it will be worth it for a few more cuddles now and then.

 

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I get everyones point and its great to see a broad range of views hopefully some here won't be having children

Its just part of growing up i suppose we forget what its like to be a kid as we get older and bitter and worry about other things. To a kid its novel and new.

I am guilty of letting things slide for the easy life and venting gives you a wake up call. Last few days have been decent no tantrums to speak of really just the odd selective hearing.

We tried to watch a movie though and she just wasn't interested and after 15mins tried changing the tv to Youtube took quite some time to talk her down and let her know this behaviour won't fly but we got there. She settled down and we watched it. However after we put her to bed i walk in and find her flipping the dog over shes only a frenchie hopefully that one is nipped in the bud as i gave her a talking to about it. Going to have to monitor that too already got a nut job with the mrs don't fancy another.

 

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True story:

We were out for a meal and my 4 year old daughter was drawing a picture. She says, "Do you know what it's going to be Dad..? Put your guess in comments".

My heart sank a little.

The next pewdie?

 

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I'm on the grow a pair side tbh. I have 3 of them; 14 (b), 11 (b), 4 (g).

They can test you, daily, but they will spend their lives doing that. It's all about, for us anyway, ensuring they know where the boundaries are. I push them all to try their hardest, and the 11yr old is challenging at the moment at school. I said to him, my job is to make sure when you're an adult you have all you need to make it on your own. You may think I'm being unfair sometimes but that's life. You're always going to think that at some point. If they don't do as they're told, they have their stuff taken away, simple.

We make it known what the standards are and what we expect and they need to fall in line with that. It's our house, not theirs. They will have their own house when they grow up and pay for it. But as they currently don't, it's our house and our rules.
I think we're really lucky, as they're very good. We were reminded of this this weekend after looking after 3 kids for other people (friends of ours) and jesus... no manners, no please or thank you, just "Ross get me a drink" (he's 4 but no way in ***** that works for me)
While we're pretty strict on a lot, we're also easier than others on some other things. It's give and take. We show them we appreciate them following our rules and behaving as they should. We show them we respect them when they show respect for others and us. They like to be treated like people, not kids, and when they behave in the right way, they are.

I don't know why everyone is bothered by the size of my testies its quite odd. I mean i can tell you they are rather large and heavy as of late because of dealings with parenting leave little for sexy time with the wife. But thats that.

 

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Get net nanny installed and set times when the wifi/internet is available for her.

You're the parent, you make the rules, she WILL abide by them....(coming from a dad of a 16 year old girl and identical twin boys toddlers.)

I have timed rules set on router where it will cut off internet access via mac address to her devices. But i turned it off as the wife moaned it turned off the sky Q box. It didn't it was an issue with the box. But i keep forgetting to enable them again and over the school holidays we didn't mind her being on till 10pm. Now facing the back end of that and all the late nights. Luckily she was excited to see her friends again.

 

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Too many parents allow their children to rule-the-roost. Children don't necessarily need rules but they certainly need boundaries. It's important to remember that you are as there as their parents, not as their friend(s). It's sounds harsh but it's easy to allow familiarity to breed content. The easier it is to make this distinction, the easier it becomes to enjoy life with your children, with your partner and on your own without feeling guilty.

I remember when she was a toddler put her to bed by 7.30 she would be out within 15mins and we never had the issue of her waking up during the night or having to stay in the room with her. I thought we were set. How wrong i was Her Youtube watching was innocent opening of toys in the early days. 15-30mins here and there no harm. Now she can't fall asleep as in her words "I need to watching something" Hates it when the internet shuts off and starts banging drawers making stupid noises just to get a rise out of us. Its fine when i don't have work at 4am we just ignore that behaviour and it stops. Other times when i am shattered it gets a bit much.