Pathetic
The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread
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Came back 1 month ago today from a holiday with my now ex and her family. It was horrendous - the last day I made the option to cut all ties and call it. I won't lie I was pretty vicious in how I went about it with regards to asking for all my stuff as soon as we got home and that be the end of it.
The reason for this was throughout the holiday I was made to feel insignificant. She wanted no photos with me, and when I asked 5 times for one she made a big deal in front of her parents saying "come on then if you want a photo" and wanted to spend zero time with me. To put a long story short, I felt so lost and insecure, and isolated that I rang a mental health number in tears just so I could speak to someone because my mind was all over the place.
Two times she told me she had been chatted up by someone else on holiday, with one asking for her facebook apparently. This made me question everything as to why my partner was so cguffed from attention elsewhere? I checked her phone, something I have never done in 4 years together but another reason I knew it was over because all trust had now gone from me. I could see her deleting messages over the course of the holiday - whether this was to friends about us bickering or to another man.
Despite us breaking up, I loved her and this last month has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions.
Fast forward to tonight and a friend has just shown me her facebook of her latest post and pictures of her with another man looking all loved up. To top it off, the place is where I go climbing and where I took and introduced her to 1.5 hours away! This is 1 month after we broke up so at a minimum 2 weeks of talking or more by the looks of how they're comforting each other.
We are never going to get back together and I appreciate that - I understood that the day I told her I wanted all my stuff because I couldn't take anymore of her emotional abuse towards me.
That said, am I wrong to think that if shes loved up after 1 month, this was going on whilst we were on holiday together and why she was so cold and distant towards me or just that shes moved on so quickly?
I appreciate people need to move on but what bothers me is if this was going on whilst I was still with her.
The reason for this was throughout the holiday I was made to feel insignificant. She wanted no photos with me, and when I asked 5 times for one she made a big deal in front of her parents saying "come on then if you want a photo" and wanted to spend zero time with me. To put a long story short, I felt so lost and insecure, and isolated that I rang a mental health number in tears just so I could speak to someone because my mind was all over the place.
Two times she told me she had been chatted up by someone else on holiday, with one asking for her facebook apparently. This made me question everything as to why my partner was so cguffed from attention elsewhere? I checked her phone, something I have never done in 4 years together but another reason I knew it was over because all trust had now gone from me. I could see her deleting messages over the course of the holiday - whether this was to friends about us bickering or to another man.
Despite us breaking up, I loved her and this last month has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions.
Fast forward to tonight and a friend has just shown me her facebook of her latest post and pictures of her with another man looking all loved up. To top it off, the place is where I go climbing and where I took and introduced her to 1.5 hours away! This is 1 month after we broke up so at a minimum 2 weeks of talking or more by the looks of how they're comforting each other.
We are never going to get back together and I appreciate that - I understood that the day I told her I wanted all my stuff because I couldn't take anymore of her emotional abuse towards me.
That said, am I wrong to think that if shes loved up after 1 month, this was going on whilst we were on holiday together and why she was so cold and distant towards me or just that shes moved on so quickly?
I appreciate people need to move on but what bothers me is if this was going on whilst I was still with her.
dont care whats shes doing now delete her from all social media, sounds like you got out of that one in the right time, you have no kids with her i take it so the move on is easy, just get back out there and enjoy it.
i was until recently with someone for 18 years until a few months ago, now im separated and with a stunning blonde younger than me who cant get enough of me, the feel of someone wanting you as much as you want them is priceless.
Everything I've highlighted is pretty much exactly what I experienced 2 years ago. That she has moved on so quickly is likely indicitive of some level of cheating; be it emotional, physical or both. It sucks. It gets better in time though, I promise you.
Jesus, you went on holiday with her after you'd already broken up? That sounds like a recipe for disaster.
Good on you for speaking to somebody, those sort of helplines are there for those times when you need somebody to talk to. I hope that it helped.
Nothing really to add that is going to help other than the standard advice, try and put it out of your mind, keep busy, do something for you. I always find gym helps, even if its just for the time you're there and you're in too much pain to think of anything else!
Good on you for speaking to somebody, those sort of helplines are there for those times when you need somebody to talk to. I hope that it helped.
Nothing really to add that is going to help other than the standard advice, try and put it out of your mind, keep busy, do something for you. I always find gym helps, even if its just for the time you're there and you're in too much pain to think of anything else!
You're not wrong to think it. But it won't do you any good. But it's also perfectly natural.
Does sound from your description it was mentally over and perhaps (conscious or sub conscious) she was pushing you to make that move.
It will take time but at some point you will understand it wasn't meant to be and you're better off moving forward.
When you start getting enjoyment of 'your next step' rather than reminiscing over the past you'll know you're really on your way.
Just know it had to happen, happened for a reason, maybe many, and that this person wasn't right.
You'll definitely wonder many time how long it was going on, when you no longer care you'll know you've moved on.
No shame at all calling those lines, that's what they are there for.
Edit
As another post said, best delete her off social. Will help you move on. As long as there are no ties (kids, financial) best way is to cut ties. Harder at start, but you'll be glad later on
Does sound from your description it was mentally over and perhaps (conscious or sub conscious) she was pushing you to make that move.
It will take time but at some point you will understand it wasn't meant to be and you're better off moving forward.
When you start getting enjoyment of 'your next step' rather than reminiscing over the past you'll know you're really on your way.
Just know it had to happen, happened for a reason, maybe many, and that this person wasn't right.
You'll definitely wonder many time how long it was going on, when you no longer care you'll know you've moved on.
No shame at all calling those lines, that's what they are there for.
Edit
As another post said, best delete her off social. Will help you move on. As long as there are no ties (kids, financial) best way is to cut ties. Harder at start, but you'll be glad later on
We broke up for a week then got back together 3/4 weeks before going on holiday. We went away together as a family but came home two distant people.
Thanks for the kind advice. It's not the fact I want her back because it wasn't working - just the insult after 1 month shes posting pictures of another man all loved up, to add insult in a place I took her to and where I go climbing, 1.5 hours drive away!
You don't post pictures of someone on facebook you are just recently seeing in case it doesn't work, so clearly has been going on longer.
I don;t have her on facebook. She's my sisters friend and also knew my mum before I met her. My mum shown me the photos though I wish she never.
Yes, there was something going on. Even if it wasn't physical yet, it was emotional, and she'd already checked out of the relationship. She was probably abusing you because she wanted out of the relationship in order to be with this other guy, and like a lot of women, didn't want to be the bad guy. Now she can blame you for ending things, and be "consoled" by this other guy that she's had her eye on or already been seeing.
Sorry, but you're best out of it with someone like that, and better that you cut all ties and move on to someone better.
This was exactly my thoughts. When you question if someone is cheating on you, you are generally right and it felt like throughout the holiday she was constantly finding things to have a go at me for or blame me for, so I would react and that would be me to blame. It was why on the last day I made the decision to call it and did so in a way I knew I couldn't go back to.
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Kudos to you for having the balls to be the one to finish it.
I have some idea how you feel - my ex-missus waited a grand total of two months after we'd split before she jumped in the sack with someone else ... and that's if I accept her assertion there was nothing going on beforehand as the truth. I found out by accident roughly three months later. Looking back, I'm glad I found out the way I did because it snapped me back to reality and gave much-needed closure. Despite the fact we spent over 25 years with each other, on the rare occasions our paths cross now I can look her in the eyes and feel absolutely nothing - no affection, no lust, but also no hatred - just what I can only describe as utter indifference.
Exactly what my brother said to me when my marriage broke up - and he's exactly right, they are pathetic creatures who cannot live without having someone there to massage their egos or someone to run around after them like a willing slave. That might sound like bitterness on my part but it's not, anger possibly, but mainly with the clarity of mind that being single for two years and living on my own for the previous year has given me. I'm not closed off to finding myself in a relationship again, but it's very low on my list of priorities - being in charge of my own destiny and how I spend my time is liberating. Why be in a rush to give that up?
Step out of the game, focus on you and let karma sort the ******** out ...
As a woman I've bitten my tongue at a lot of comments in this thread but I feel like I have to defend my gender here a little. Yes some of us are emotional. Yes some of us struggle to be alone but please do not tar us all with the same brush.
Would you like it if I said all men are cheats and liars, all men are violent just because that's what I've experienced?!
I've been single for a couple of years now and I have never gone from one relationship straight into another one.
I have plenty of exes who have done so though. Given the usual BS of "Oh I need to be single for a while, sort my head out" etc and a month or so later I find out they are dating someone new.
There are men and women equally as bad as each other but we aren't all the same.
Would you like it if I said all men are cheats and liars, all men are violent just because that's what I've experienced?!
I've been single for a couple of years now and I have never gone from one relationship straight into another one.
I have plenty of exes who have done so though. Given the usual BS of "Oh I need to be single for a while, sort my head out" etc and a month or so later I find out they are dating someone new.
There are men and women equally as bad as each other but we aren't all the same.
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As a woman I've bitten my tongue at a lot of comments in this thread but I feel like I have to defend my gender here a little. Yes some of us are emotional. Yes some of us struggle to be alone but please do not tar us all with the same brush.
Would you like it if I said all men are cheats and liars, all men are violent just because that's what I've experienced?!
I've been single for a couple of years now and I have never gone from one relationship straight into another one.
I have plenty of exes who have done so though. Given the usual BS of "Oh I need to be single for a while, sort my head out" etc and a month or so later I find out they are dating someone new.
There are men and women equally as bad as each other but we aren't all the same.
Totally agree, especially that last sentence. Spot on!
As a woman I've bitten my tongue at a lot of comments in this thread but I feel like I have to defend my gender here a little. Yes some of us are emotional. Yes some of us struggle to be alone but please do not tar us all with the same brush.
Would you like it if I said all men are cheats and liars, all men are violent just because that's what I've experienced?!
I've been single for a couple of years now and I have never gone from one relationship straight into another one.
I have plenty of exes who have done so though. Given the usual BS of "Oh I need to be single for a while, sort my head out" etc and a month or so later I find out they are dating someone new.
There are men and women equally as bad as each other but we aren't all the same.
Your not wrong, to be honest unfortunately both male and female now days are cheats and liars it’s hard to find the good from the bad. Especially with all this social media it becomes easier and easier because of availability.
Yep not a white knight and I have a lot to say about the state of society and culture today in regards to views towards commitments, marriage and relationships (towards women and men) but the idea that all women are 'x' or all men are 'x' is just farcical.As a woman I've bitten my tongue at a lot of comments in this thread but I feel like I have to defend my gender here a little. Yes some of us are emotional. Yes some of us struggle to be alone but please do not tar us all with the same brush.
Would you like it if I said all men are cheats and liars, all men are violent just because that's what I've experienced?!
I've been single for a couple of years now and I have never gone from one relationship straight into another one.
I have plenty of exes who have done so though. Given the usual BS of "Oh I need to be single for a while, sort my head out" etc and a month or so later I find out they are dating someone new.
There are men and women equally as bad as each other but we aren't all the same.
I was going to post something when I first read @Adnams Drinker 's post the first time but didn't think it was the worth the aggro.
As a woman I've bitten my tongue at a lot of comments in this thread but I feel like I have to defend my gender here a little. Yes some of us are emotional. Yes some of us struggle to be alone but please do not tar us all with the same brush.
Would you like it if I said all men are cheats and liars, all men are violent just because that's what I've experienced?!
I've been single for a couple of years now and I have never gone from one relationship straight into another one.
I have plenty of exes who have done so though. Given the usual BS of "Oh I need to be single for a while, sort my head out" etc and a month or so later I find out they are dating someone new.
There are men and women equally as bad as each other but we aren't all the same.
True, true, but we can only give advice on what's written here, and the majority are men that have been let down by women probably just because of the forum demographic. For some reason women don't often come here for advice, probably because we do a lot in the way of "home truths", not just making people feel better. The fact is that there are awful people of either gender and I think you'll find that bad behavior gets called out around here regardless.
Plus "There's no such thing as a woman who's not at least a four crazy".
I'm not sure if she has or not when on holiday. It seems logical but today, you couldn't write this but we take the same journey to work with me an additional 10 minutes up the road; I've only bumped into her once in the month that we've been split. I was travelling up a long stretch of road when I seen her car in the left lane. She is like miss daisy and drives slow. I didn't know what to do but decided I'll keep at my pace rather then sit back and look like I'm afraid of something. When I got near her I don't think she realised but pulled out to overtake and sped up shortly after and never entered the other lane despite she would usually drive in the left lane. This meant later on up the road she was in the wrong lane of the roadabout to put her in the wrong lane on the next double carriage. I ended up overtaking her as she went into the other lane and I looked but she was looking away. If she was over me or didn't have any ill feelings I think she would have looked my way. I looked at her and would have even dropped a laugh or smile to be honest at how random it was and that wouldn't bother me even after know what was on facebook.
This all been said I think she has jumped feet first into another relationship to make herself feel wanted again because she cannot bear being alone. This says more about her than anything else. My sister isn't impressed that she has done this, nor out of respect her having to find out over facebook when I'm her brother and they were meant to be close friends. Everyone else also thinks it is too soon for facebook and questioning what she is playing it, with most knowing that is where I go climbing anyways. Honestly I believe he is a rebound which makes me feel a lot better. People handle things in different ways and she is free to move on and do what she wants I guess. I just have to appreciate the fact it is over - I knew it was but this reasserts the part of me that loved her and tried to battle with what was reasonable and logic in we didn't work and were two different people that I have to move on from.
Forum demographics is probably more nice guys rather than players, so naturally quite a few will get their hearts stamped on. Certainly bad actors on both sides but men are held much more accountable by society, if a women cheats often excuses thrown about ' it just happened' or the partner is to blame for not giving enough attention or not being exciting. Whereas men are normally vilified for cheating as dogs or pigs
First sentence saves me replying. Each sex has its good and bad demographics with more soft touches on a forum like this. I don’t think there’s anything for anyone to defend here.
If someone actually believes all women are cheats and over emotional so and sos then that’s their problem, doesn’t mean we believe it. Most of the time I put it down to people letting there emotional feels out
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As a woman I've bitten my tongue at a lot of comments in this thread but I feel like I have to defend my gender here a little. Yes some of us are emotional. Yes some of us struggle to be alone but please do not tar us all with the same brush.
Would you like it if I said all men are cheats and liars, all men are violent just because that's what I've experienced?!
I've been single for a couple of years now and I have never gone from one relationship straight into another one.
I have plenty of exes who have done so though. Given the usual BS of "Oh I need to be single for a while, sort my head out" etc and a month or so later I find out they are dating someone new.
There are men and women equally as bad as each other but we aren't all the same.
You're a woman posting on OCUK, you're already a rogue value as far as the female of our species go. That said, I do broadly agree with you.
Just because you've had bad experience or experiences with women, does not mean that all women are awful. The reality is that most relationships fail and if you're a man, logically you're going to have a lot of bad experiences with the opposite sex. But this idea that women are "pathetic creatures" is what is actually pathetic, it speaks to a weakness of character in the person saying it.
I've been in a relationship with some appalling women and my mother was frankly abusive and dangerous, but I don't blame an entire sex over it. People are complicated and relationships involve two people. Sometimes the woman you're involved with is awful, but most of the time, it's just part of the human experience.