Dealing with rude team members

[McBain]

Hello all,

Interested to see what everyone's thoughts on the thread title were, basically how do you deal with team members who talk to people like ****? It's hard to bite my lip sometimes.

One particular example happened today, a project manager who I've always felt was a bit self important, you know the type loves the sound of their own voice and no one else can get a word in. Anyway, I joined a call he'd setup this morning and he has a go at me;

"What are you doing on this call? I added you to another call you're supposed to be on, did you not listen to me this morning?" (This morning meaning the morning stand up) in a super abrupt, obnoxious, condescending fashion.

I was a bit taken back by this, it took me by surprise because he hadn't invited me to this other call, so it was all news to me. Turns out he sent the invite to the wrong person.

I'll be honest, im pretty ******* off about it, sat here stewing.

Wondering what the OcUK brigade tend to do with this sort of situation? No way I just let it pass, I'm not being spoken to like that for HIS mistake! For reference, he talks to other people like this pretty regularly, so it's not a one off 'having a bad day' thing. Spoke to another of the PMs about it and she said that's just what he's like....... oh well then, OK?

 

[Terminal_Boy]

Tell his it was his mistake and he needs to apologise in front of the team.

 

[Uther]

Tell his it was his mistake and he needs to apologise in front of the team.

Pretty much this. I'd add in a bit of swearing too but that's just me.

 

[HangTime]

Depends on a few factors, if it's a recurring theme and it happens to others then I'd raise it with their line manager if I had a reasonable relationship with them. I did this once when someone was being very obtuse with members of my team, not in a 'you need to sort this out' sort of ultimatum (they were a Director so wouldn't be accepting one anyway heh), but more flagging it up and the potential impacts it could have. If it's a common theme, then the manager may already have wind of it anyway.

If it's someone I'd only have to deal with infrequently I'd probably let it slide, not worth the hassle.

If it's someone reporting to me (doesn't sound like the case here), I'd approach the situation in our 1:1 and explain how it might look to others. I've had a situation before where a team member would regularly talk down in a condescending sort of way to another team member, whilst they had worked together for many years and had a 'teasing' sort of banter relationship, there were times in meetings where it would get a bit awkward, petty point scoring sort of stuff.

 

[dowie]

I was a bit taken back by this, it took me by surprise because he hadn't invited me to this other call, so it was all news to me. Turns out he sent the invite to the wrong person.

I'll be honest, im pretty ******* off about it, sat here stewing.

Wondering what the OcUK brigade tend to do with this sort of situation? No way I just let it pass, I'm not being spoken to like that for HIS mistake!

Well what did you do about it? I mean it seems like the sort of thing to react to at the time not sit and stew about after.

 

[ivrytwr3]

"Woah! Woah! Woah! Sweet child of mine. You didn't invite me to another call. I'll take that apology now."

"You didn't invite me to another call and i'd like to discuss this further, offline. Let me know when you are next free"

Inform Manager about your observations and your particular incident.

Let it go and move on.

 

[Begbie]

I'd pull him aside, have a word politely letting him know it isn't acceptable and that if it happens again they'll be further action taken. It's a work place not a war zone.

Well I mean, that depends who it is and I'd probably react at the time but if I could reflect and stop myself - I probably wouldn't.

 

[randomshenans]

Well what did you do about it? I mean it seems like the sort of thing to react to at the time not sit and stew about after.

if it's a recurring theme and it happens to others then I'd raise it with their line manager

 

[gpuerrilla]

Obviously not enough people have pulled him up on it. As some have said let him know, tell him it was out of line, see if he apologises.

 

[Semple]

I'd pull him aside, have a word politely letting him know it isn't acceptable and that if it happens again they'll be further action taken. It's a work place not a war zone.

Well I mean, that depends who it is and I'd probably react at the time but if I could reflect and stop myself - I probably wouldn't.

I'd suggest this too.

Say I don't appreciate being spoken to in that manner, we're all professionals and regardless of what mood you're in, you need to treat all your colleagues with a level of respect.

Keep it short and to the point.

I think if anything, he'd be a bit shocked about being called out on it, and then reflecting about how much of a **** he's been.

 

[OspreyO]

That's just obnoxious bullying behavior.

I guess if it were me have a word with them. But it can go either way. Either they'll back down. Or they'll keep at it and even do it more as that's behavior that's habitual. The latter is more likely.

While in the past I'd have let it slide. These days I'd rise to the bait and argue. I'd also also hold a grudge. More entertaining.

 

[Bickaxe]

Call them out on it there and then. Put them on the back foot as bullies like this like to feel in control.

"No you didn't invite me to the other call. And do not speak to me like that again, feel free to apologise"

Its probably the industries I've worked in that make me fight this sort of aggressive behaviour with aggression but I feel that people should stand up to this sort of thing.

I'll go out on a limb and say this project manager blames other people when things go wrong when he is at fault? Also thinks he knows everything and makes some very short sighted desicions?

 

[McBain]

Well what did you do about it? I mean it seems like the sort of thing to react to at the time not sit and stew about after.

"Woah! Woah! Woah! Sweet child of mine. You didn't invite me to another call. I'll take that apology now."

"You didn't invite me to another call and i'd like to discuss this further, offline. Let me know when you are next free"

Inform Manager about your observations and your particular incident.

Let it go and move on.

Thanks all for your comments, I did pretty much this, informed the relevant people and will move on and put it down to him having a particularly bad day.

It'll likely happen again at which point I'll be taking it further. I don't like being a whiny **** but at the end of the day that sort of thing is completely unacceptable, my mother can speak to me like that but not someone I work with.

 

[jsmoke]

I read at as nude.

 

[ZXSpectrum]

Does he have an office with a door? Does it have a letterbox?

In all seriousness, put them in their place and tell them in front of others that the way he spoke to you was unacceptable and will discuss offline with his line manager or HR rep.

 

[McBain]

I read at as nude.

Christ thankfully not in my line of work, 99% blokes

 

[HangTime]

Well what did you do about it? I mean it seems like the sort of thing to react to at the time not sit and stew about after.

He said he was taken aback. That means in a state of shock and the conversation may have moved on before he's had a chance to formulate a proper response. It's obviously a group meeting as well, so he won't want to get into an 'argument' in front of a [virtual] room full of people with everyone else in awkward silence / eyes to the floor. The first thing he will have done when told this will be to have double-checked his calendar, inbox, deleted emails etc to make sure he's in the right. We've all been in a situation where someone else thinks we should have received a meeting invite or an email, but we haven't. You don't fire back all guns blazing (well some do - I once had a hot-headed team member say "YOU ARE VERY CONDESCENDING AND I WILL NOT BE SPOKEN TO LIKE THAT!" and hang up the phone on a standup call with external parties), you get your facts straight first.

The point is personally I would politely correct them on their error and move on with the meeting, reflect on the situation afterwards and then have a rational conversation afterwards involving only the relevant people.

 

[dowie]

The point is personally I would politely correct them on their error and move on with the meeting, reflect on the situation afterwards and then have a rational conversation afterwards involving only the relevant people.

Well exactly! To the PM who is being an arse he's probably not even noticed, you could just say you don't remember anything being said in the morning meeting and you can talk about it afterwards etc.. then, once you've checked you schedule, object privately to them after the meeting not only the mistake on their part but the way they spoke etc...

It's seemingly not involved any abuse etc... not a pattern of behaviour towards the OP at least. I don't think stewing over stuff like that is particularly helpful and when things like that happen you can object on the spot.

I mean now the OP has learned there is some history of this guy being a tad abrasive to other people then I guess he could go behind his back and report this though it's still somewhat mild, gotta be constructive with how it's put across lest he comes across as being whiney. Also confronting the PM days later after stewing over it when he might well have forgotten is probably going to be much less constructive than objecting there and following up directly, 1 to 1, on the day, after the meeting.

Maybe this guy is a mediocre PM, possibly a bit out of his depth managing a bunch of things, getting stressed would explain his mistake too, he's a bit snappy as a result etc... confronting him next week over something like his tone/manner of speaking during a meeting and that, actually, he made the trivial admin error etc..etc.. could well come across as rather petty by then to the point where it might be rather annoying and just sour relations further if busy/stressed with other stuff.

Essentially, IMO, minor stuff like that, try and nip it in the bud when it happens/on that day, you don't want to be stewing over it.

 

[dave28]

Workplaces always get ruined by a few bad people, i was in a large MOD site for near 10 years and a whole bunch of people joined forces and all made complaints about the same two bosses at the same time. One was sacked and the other retrained and behaved after that.

So my point i guess is they only change when they face consequences of their actions.

To be honest though it sounds like you have a mild problem, i had to stop myself from taking action that would have got me arrested a few times

 

[HangTime]

The OP posted at 12:11, saying it happened "today", and that it wasn't the first meeting of the day, and indeed that was a third meeting that he was supposed to be attending, so at the most he'd been stewing about it in between it happening, and him logging onto OCUK to start writing the post, maybe a couple of hours, of which I assume some of which he was focussed on other work matters.

It's the "object to it on the spot" piece I don't think is that straight forward, I wouldn't want to see someone initiating a point-scoring argument in the middle of a group meeting, and realistically they may have had zero opportunity to speak with the individual between it happening, and him writing this thread due to either or both parties having other commitments. Presumably what happened was, McBain was told (in a rude fashion) that he was supposed to be in another meeting, so I assume he said something like "that's news to me, I don't have an invite", the PM then goes "ooops sent it to the wrong person, bloody inconsiderate of you to have a name similar to MacBain, get that sorted yeah? Now off you trot please, I've added you to the invite..." and McBain will then have needed to leave the meeting with the PM, to join this other meeting he is already late for, rather than having an argument about the PM's behaviour and missing yet more of the other meeting he needs to be in.