Wife a workaholic/addition problem?
- Thread starter BUDFORCE
- Start date
Bluntly, her work are taking the ****. The problem is, she is allowing them to do so. Surely seeing people move on and up, earning more than her etc is a huge red flag and shows how little they value her?
I am guilty of booting up the laptop and getting some work done, but that is only if it aids me in getting a head start the following week. I also may take a call and help with an urgent issue. But this has become the norm for her, that is unacceptable.
The company are allowing this to happen and getting free labour, this is probably why she is not moving on - she is doing the work of several people 24/7. Why would they move her on if she is content to continue to keep doing this? She is a victim of her own success.
She needs to take a breath, step back and review the situation. Then book a meeting to discuss her concerns and express this cannot continue - she either stops offering the level of support she is giving or she is suitably financially reconciled.
But NOTHING will change unless she speaks up.
I am guilty of booting up the laptop and getting some work done, but that is only if it aids me in getting a head start the following week. I also may take a call and help with an urgent issue. But this has become the norm for her, that is unacceptable.
The company are allowing this to happen and getting free labour, this is probably why she is not moving on - she is doing the work of several people 24/7. Why would they move her on if she is content to continue to keep doing this? She is a victim of her own success.
She needs to take a breath, step back and review the situation. Then book a meeting to discuss her concerns and express this cannot continue - she either stops offering the level of support she is giving or she is suitably financially reconciled.
But NOTHING will change unless she speaks up.
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I would suggest getting her to see a career coach/therapist my wife had one for a few months to help her with some work based issues she was having (difficult subordinate and general work based anxiety)
Said pretty much the same same things I did, but coming from a third party somehow makes it better advice. She's now got it under control and doesn't work or stress half as much as she did
Said pretty much the same same things I did, but coming from a third party somehow makes it better advice. She's now got it under control and doesn't work or stress half as much as she did
OP she just needs to look at the time for the month / monthly salary.. it's probably below a graduate. She could put her CV out and see what comes back in terms of salary - I suspect she would be (as a total package) over £100K if she's senior etc.
When you get senior, it becomes less of a 'job' mindset and more of a 'my company/department' mindset. With that comes the expectation and conditioning to do whatever is required to be successful.
I know a guy in our company that has been here for 40 years, in various roles. Now he gets asked what he wants todo when roles are available. Length of service in this company is rewarded by first pick of roles, priority vacation cover etc. For the organisation that's seen as "derisking" but actually it slows down business innovation in the long term due to lack of understanding outside of the business.
Just looking at my hours this last week, mostly from 0300/0400 to 1800/1900, day before yesterday it was 0300-2200. So a 80-90 hour week. Before this role I was a C-level, now I'm happily not but it seems habits are hard to break so I'm going to have to ween myself off the hours and the expectation of the org. In the end it will be healthier all around (just need the funding for a delivery lead which requires 5 directors approval in 5 separate contributing companies... now you can see the mentality that drives it..).
When you get senior, it becomes less of a 'job' mindset and more of a 'my company/department' mindset. With that comes the expectation and conditioning to do whatever is required to be successful.
I know a guy in our company that has been here for 40 years, in various roles. Now he gets asked what he wants todo when roles are available. Length of service in this company is rewarded by first pick of roles, priority vacation cover etc. For the organisation that's seen as "derisking" but actually it slows down business innovation in the long term due to lack of understanding outside of the business.
Just looking at my hours this last week, mostly from 0300/0400 to 1800/1900, day before yesterday it was 0300-2200. So a 80-90 hour week. Before this role I was a C-level, now I'm happily not but it seems habits are hard to break so I'm going to have to ween myself off the hours and the expectation of the org. In the end it will be healthier all around (just need the funding for a delivery lead which requires 5 directors approval in 5 separate contributing companies... now you can see the mentality that drives it..).
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A good sit down, frank and open conversation.
I would say she is doing it out of habit and because she likes the simplicity of focusing on one thing, rather than facing up to reality of life. Some people bury themselves in work deliberately like this. It is like an addiction yes. Sometimes it can be fear of not feeling important or part of everything about the company, like you will miss some banter or information like everything is important and must be known.
For me, I like taking time off where I come back and can barely type and have forgotten all my passwords. I want NOTHING to do with work when I'm not working. I would encourage everyone to be like that.
For me, I like taking time off where I come back and can barely type and have forgotten all my passwords. I want NOTHING to do with work when I'm not working. I would encourage everyone to be like that.
I feel for you OP, I think personally this all needs to be out in the open but further to the above I'd say some kind of mediation may be required / councillor etc. in order to identify the issues it's causing at home and move forward
We've just had a full blown row over it again.
About a month ago, maybe 6 weeks we fell out.
She went on the attack saying I'm not doing x and y (mostly housework related) so I have made a really big effort and I have. She says she would about her work, but suprise suprise nothing has changed her ebd
I was out last night came back and her work was on at 9:40pm (she started at 8:30am) last week she took a work call in the middle of dinner. She's getting our 18 year old to go pick up our younger son, again so she can sit on her laptop.
The 18 year old also believes she has a problem, and has said it in front of her just now. His attitude is to a certain extent is not my problem or there is nothing you can do about it, which I don't blame him for at all.
I have been trying to ignore it, because if I bring it up she reacts like a nuclear bomb (which reinforces she got a problem) and she goes on the attack/mental.
I haven't said anything for these 6 weeks, but again today she's on her work phone 50 minutes after she was supposed to finish, I got dinner ready on time so we could watch a bit of TV before having to go out to pick the little one up for beavers, but yet again her work has interveined in personal time and she's now gone out without having had the dinner.
I dunno what to do, I love her and we've been married and together for a long time and I don't want to break up but this is never going to get better. Other than her company going under or similar.
So I guess I just have to live with it.
It sucks though so much, I just think how much of a better live she would have, free time to actually live a life, when you live someone and see them suffering it's very hard.
About a month ago, maybe 6 weeks we fell out.
She went on the attack saying I'm not doing x and y (mostly housework related) so I have made a really big effort and I have. She says she would about her work, but suprise suprise nothing has changed her ebd
I was out last night came back and her work was on at 9:40pm (she started at 8:30am) last week she took a work call in the middle of dinner. She's getting our 18 year old to go pick up our younger son, again so she can sit on her laptop.
The 18 year old also believes she has a problem, and has said it in front of her just now. His attitude is to a certain extent is not my problem or there is nothing you can do about it, which I don't blame him for at all.
I have been trying to ignore it, because if I bring it up she reacts like a nuclear bomb (which reinforces she got a problem) and she goes on the attack/mental.
I haven't said anything for these 6 weeks, but again today she's on her work phone 50 minutes after she was supposed to finish, I got dinner ready on time so we could watch a bit of TV before having to go out to pick the little one up for beavers, but yet again her work has interveined in personal time and she's now gone out without having had the dinner.
I dunno what to do, I love her and we've been married and together for a long time and I don't want to break up but this is never going to get better. Other than her company going under or similar.
So I guess I just have to live with it.
It sucks though so much, I just think how much of a better live she would have, free time to actually live a life, when you live someone and see them suffering it's very hard.
Soldato
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Sucks to see this still going on years later. Time to step it up a notch, imo it's not fair for her to do this to you, you've made best efforts to get through it.
The 18 year old can refuse to do the pickup. Then she'll have to do it.
How about a trial separation? Maybe she sees the error of her ways, and if not then so be it.
The 18 year old can refuse to do the pickup. Then she'll have to do it.
How about a trial separation? Maybe she sees the error of her ways, and if not then so be it.
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Soldato
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Accept what you can't change, and leave her to it. Meanwhile, get yourself a good hobby and focus on that, so you're no longer focused on this.
Yea I guess I just have to have a hard realisation and just accept it, and that it's never going to change.
Deleted member 280263
Deleted member 280263
Would it be worth getting the 18 year old to calmly speak to her about being worried about her? Then it's not all directed at you, and she might see that it is a problem and isn't just 'in your head' if more people challenge her on it?
Soldato
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Yes. Accept, put your energy into something constructive, move on.
Nah that happened this evening and she just started biting his head off as well.
Problem is (and I don't mean to be blunt to the OP) she probably wouldn't be bothered about a separation because she has work to fulfill her hours.
I'm actually surprised it's got to a point with one of your kids now being 18 that she's not just sat down and thought about how much of their life she has missed due to work. She can't get that time back, it's gone forever.
@BUDFORCE have you tried doing the same for a couple of weeks? Like being super non present or available for anything and just absent? Ideally use work to do the same and watch when she realises how bad it is when nothing gets done and kids are being let down etc.
If I did what she's doing, I'd expect to be shouted at.
I would sit down one day with her and tell her calmly how this is affecting things and that if it doesn't improve, then you can't go on living this way, even if it does mean separation, because it's not fair on you to not be happy.
If I did what she's doing, I'd expect to be shouted at.
I would sit down one day with her and tell her calmly how this is affecting things and that if it doesn't improve, then you can't go on living this way, even if it does mean separation, because it's not fair on you to not be happy.
Deleted member 280263
Deleted member 280263
Ah, sorry to hear this mate, my thoughts are with you, I red the whole thread.
