Soldato
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At some point the dog will die, how will that change the calculation? Like when kids grow up and leave home and parents realise they aren't into each other anymore?
The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread
- Thread starter mattyprice4004
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Also a consideration, who looks after the dog when you separate?
If you take full ownership, your hobbies are going to suffer massively (or your spending costs for boarding are going to skyrocket).
It sounds like your gf will be unable to look after the dog on her own, which means it will fall to you.
If you take full ownership, your hobbies are going to suffer massively (or your spending costs for boarding are going to skyrocket).
It sounds like your gf will be unable to look after the dog on her own, which means it will fall to you.
Probably a bit harsh on her.. Especially as you're hearing bias from me. We do have our own hobbies. Initially that seemed good. And she has been there for me emotionally when I've had really bad mental health periods (I'm gradually getting better at this). I'm getting therapy, on her insistence... But for me I don't think it really works. I know my own mind and my mind is stubborn. It never worked in the past. She is too and finds it valuable.
My partner needs more broad support (especially physical) . And it's gotten to the point where I assume or second guess what she says. Am example, she offered to carry a bag because I was struggling with the heat, I said no it's OK, it wasn't OK I wanted help. But my mind has defaulted to "it'll be worse if she carries it, as it might hurt her and this will be worse in the long run". So even though I'm trying to "help" it's not great as she sees it as superceeding what she says. This happens a lot. I'll do stuff just because i think she can't. Or it'll make her worse. Problem is I'm often right. Like the walk at the weekend.
But I need support in really bad times, and I can be debilitated by anxiety/depression episodes. But this comes in spells not generally day to day. She needs more support day to day. But it's not as intense.
Medical. She's impacted by this. Especially around the house. Her lack of ability to help in garden for example at all. If we'd have known this was going to be a thing, would have never have gotten a house with a garden.
The recent flair, this serious one. Has come involved her wanting to move, desperately. I've ignored the signs of her telling me this. Wanting to live in a van has been proposed. And I have done the "superceeding her" thing again. I said that as she can't drive I'd have to do all the driving. And we both have jobs.. Is it realistic if she's noise sensitive? What is she and I hadn't a meeting? How will she cope with physical aspect of it with her condition?
I think having a van each would be fine. But 2 people, 1 dog. Health issues? Seems a bad idea.
This comes across as negative. It comes across as dismissive. But I do also think I'm right on this one.
We decided to compromise and try it. Get a van but not sell the house. But I think the deeper issues were/are bubbling up by this point. It needs to be a proper simulation and we also have our dog etc. And it probably won't come in time.
What I should have done was say "let's try it and see". Not list out why not to do it.
Life is difficult. And I don't really know what she wants. I think i do. But right now I think she's working through it. She doesn't even want to see me this morning. Which I think hasn't happened before.
Its definitely not all fault on either side. I am difficult, she is difficult.
Sorry for another word spiel!
Yes. It'll be 100 percent me. And deep down in angry about it. I said this was a bad idea getting a dog. I said it has to be her dog and I'll help out.
But it's the opposite way around.
She knows I was right. Because she doesn't think of consequences enough. Same as van thing.
I will not abandon him, no way. But yes it'll be a massive impact. I love that dog and he's been there for me in bad times. I will not have him put down. He's too sick to be rehomed.
You guys know my views on child free. And it's looks like I've ended up in the same situation!
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Living in a van is a fantasy that she thinks will solve all problems. You guys can't even share a bedroom. Both of you stuck in a small van with a dog, you won't even last a weekend.
It's just not realistic in the slightest. How are you both going to get to work?
It sounds like you're putting up with misery and a life as a carer.
It's just not realistic in the slightest. How are you both going to get to work?
It sounds like you're putting up with misery and a life as a carer.
This is what I think. We both work fully remote. I asked her to show me some examples of people living this life with jobs.
I think i could do it solo. If I had a work set up. It would be hard even then. I know a friend who's come back to a house after vanning for a year. And he's single. I also think it's a fantasy. But I was hoping to show this by trying it.
She thinks I'm being negative and dismissive with my concerns. I said she can't even cope with me in the room next door if the doors open. How would we cope in a van?
To me it feels like you have a van and go on extended holidays or something. Not something to live in full time.
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Soldato
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Van is dumb imo, she can try that after you've split up, don't let it be your problem.
The van thing sounds like just a romanticising escape away from your current life. But in reality I can't see how it would make anything any easier. You might enjoy being out in the countryside, but I don't think it would improve anything for her, especially physically, sleeping, etc.
Always worth a try though.
Always worth a try though.
If this isn't temporary from an argument, then she has serious problems being in this relationship with you. It's just not feasible to expect to be in that kind of situation where someone who supposedly loves you can't even bear looking at you in another room.
And yes, makes the van-life idea even more preposterous unless she can prove she can happily live in the same room as you. As it's going to be 24/7 couped up in a small space.
I know a guy who's done the van life living on a beach in Portugal for many many years, but he's single and is a surf addict. I don't really know how he's getting on mentally about it though.
I can imagine an extended several month van holiday over summer would be great fun, provided you get on well together.
But even the best couples will probably get a bit frustrated and top of each other through winter, when the weathers terrible and you're couped up for soo long.
I wouldn't want to do that over winter, I need a bit of me-space every soo often.
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People, places and things
The van idea is an awful idea I think as it comes across like you're running away from the problem. It just does't work. You need to hit the problem head on and not sugar coat it by the above line. You have no control over that and it won't fix the problem(s).
Do you want to live a life of misery? That's a question you need to answer yourself.
Sorry to be brutal but If that was me I'd be making a plan of action for a happier life, starting on myself. Everything else comes second.
Easier said than done though, I wish you luck.
The van idea is an awful idea I think as it comes across like you're running away from the problem. It just does't work. You need to hit the problem head on and not sugar coat it by the above line. You have no control over that and it won't fix the problem(s).
Do you want to live a life of misery? That's a question you need to answer yourself.
Sorry to be brutal but If that was me I'd be making a plan of action for a happier life, starting on myself. Everything else comes second.
Easier said than done though, I wish you luck.
To be blunt, that relationship is already over if you’ve reached the stage where someone just resents you existing nearby. It’s one of the telltale signs when someone is done but just doesn’t have the courage to accept it and let the other know.
Sorry the above is when I'm in a meeting and talking. Because she has noise sensitivity she has to close both our doors to be able to work
Is she neurodivergent as well?
Right ok. That's a lot better than it sounded.
Thanks. It's good to get peoples views. I think there are a lot of problems. We've talked about them before. But we both need a lot from each other it seems. I guess if we keep having the same arguments over the long term, we are both struggling to fix the issue we have with each other.
Shame people can't hear her side. Maybe couples counselling might help if it's not too late? I may suggest it. We've never really had any arbitration or even external views on our issues. People we know (like you guys) are only hearing a biased view
Worse than me. Much worse.
Autistic and Adhd.
She thinks she is. And from what I now know.. I'd agree with her that she is.
I'm classic adhd. It's so obvious now.
Edit.
I think mine is easier to deal with solo. I like the chaos. It doesn't work well with job, it doesn't make it easy for a partner.
My anxiety / depression is worse for me than the adhd classics.
Hers is worse for her I think. She struggles with friends a lot she just doesn't understand why people behave how they do (her words) . She struggles with noise a lot (that's why she says she wants to move from here), she struggles with my forgetful/chaotic side. But she has this too. Add on her physical issues and she has a lot on her plate.
As we live together .. We both have what's on our plates, and on each other's plates.. And we've thrown in an extra difficulty by choice with the dog, a sick dog
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I don't think you'll ever be able to give her what she needs, as that would be difficult to manage even for someone who’s trained on these disorders. From these posts and over the years, it's clear that she asks for things and then thrusts all the responsibility onto you. She would benefit from therapy to try and manage impulsiveness and regulate her emotions.
You’re essentially being used as a carer, and it doesn't sound like you're shown much appreciation for it. Life must be incredibly difficult for her if she has both of those conditions but she needs professional help and a lot of it.
This might well be a two way thing. We are struggling to give what each other needs.
We are both seeing therapists. But I think i know my mind well. Or my therapist doesn't work well with me as it just seems like me venting most of my sessions. I know what sets me off in terms of anxiety when I get crippled with it. I know what I should/shouldn't do.
She says she gets on with hers. But I don't pry too much. As it's personal and she probably talks about me.
Life is really difficult for her. Mentally and physically. Used to think she struggled physically more. But now I think it's mental. I think she envies my physical health. And how I can get on with people easily (wasn't always this way). It's really sad she's had this friend issue recently in her social group.
Wouldn't want to call myself a carer, as it isn't as bad at all as many have. And really I can cope. But the mental side is really hard. It's difficult to know how to talk as I think our natural states don't work well together. My forgetfulness is really difficult as she says I did/didn't do things and I often can't remember if I did. So I can't validate. It's frustrating she often gets cross about that as I genuinely can't help it.
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Have you tried anything for the forgetfulness ?
Anything I have to remember, like picking up kid when wife's away, or putting the garden bin out, I set a reminder on Alexa. Often several so I don't forget. We even have regular reminders to put the bin out, as we forgot to do it several times. It works for us.
Anything I have to remember, like picking up kid when wife's away, or putting the garden bin out, I set a reminder on Alexa. Often several so I don't forget. We even have regular reminders to put the bin out, as we forgot to do it several times. It works for us.
Soldato
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How about the old pros and cons list?