The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

mid_gen said:
Working fully from home with your partner is not something to be taken for granted, it's very taxing for everyone concerned. You can become utterly dependent on each other for all your social interactions. Not having outlets to talk to other people is a bad situation.

I feel like I've only in the last few months got to a setup that works for me, and my partner is only working from home half the time.

You need to have honest conversations. My partner is ADHD, and I'm autistic. She'll sometimes come in and just start going off on one about the latest idea that's rooted in her head, while I'm in the middle of concentrating on work. For a while I just tolerated this and just got silently irritated, but having had a conversation about it, I just say, sorry, I'm concentrating right now, I can't just switch context like this.

Same as I can't just log off from work and then have a conversation about what we're doing at the weekend, I need time to decompress and let my brain unwind....so I strictly go out and do some exercise every day immediately after finishing work, climbing, gym, swim, whatever. Then when I get back home I'm done with my work day.

Having separate hobbies isn't a bad thing, as long as you do make sure you have some quality time with each other, and that doesn't mean a few hours in front of the TV when you're both knackered after work.

I'd also look at unplugging a bit. Not trying to be harsh here mate but your anxiety is visible on these forums, your posts are like a spectator doomscroll sometimes, you can see the dark thoughts and anxiety floating around behind the text. Which online interactions bring you joy? Which ones make you anxious?

In the last week I've decided to just disconnect myself from the news, and anything online that causes me to get into any kind of mental state I don't like. As a kinda habitual current-affairs follower my whole life, it's been quite weird, but I feel better for it. I haven't seen or heard the news for a week, so SC, no politics. I just check the sports news and the coffee/music/tech pages and let all the frankly insane **** going on in the world that I can't do anything about (other than vote) get blocked out and enjoy the blissful ignorance. Highly recommended.
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This is a really interesting perspective. Because you are mostly my partner and I am yours. So it's nice to have this perspective spelled out.
Especially the randomness. This is me through and through. I will change my mind and not even realise it. Change topic etc etc.


I've also started to disconnect. To start with social media. I like taking pics and the underlying pressure to process + upload has been a stress. I obviously don't make any cash from it. So why did I let it overpower me? Before I did less and it was OK. Now, when I'm doing stuff multiple days... Do I or anyone else want pic updates? No. Primarily they are for me anyway. I like to see memories of 1 year ago today. Or just scroll back through my pictures and remember all fun stuff I've done.
This is already starting to save me time and stress.
 
I want out of my relationship, I'm emotionally drained and have had enough, sadly it's 12 years down the drain.
Looking for some advice on how I go about sorting myself out financially before I end it.

Not married, no kids, joint mortgage/bills. Need to know what my first steps would be, so that I'm prepared to walk away with my 50%
 
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ChroniC said:
I want out of my relationship, I'm emotionally drained and have had enough, sadly it's 12 years down the drain.
Looking for some advice on how I go about sorting myself out financially before I end it.

Not married, no kids, joint mortgage/bills. Need to know what my first steps would be, so that I'm prepared to walk away with my 50%
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No marriage and kids should make things a bit simpler. Can you remember if you’re tenants in common or have a joint mortgage?

Is one of you able and willing to buy the other out of the home?

And I suppose, how do you think they’d take it? Do you think they’d be sensible/reasonable about distribution of assets? Or want to make things as difficult as possible? Because really the only winners in those situations are solicitors.
 
ChroniC said:
I want out of my relationship, I'm emotionally drained and have had enough, sadly it's 12 years down the drain.
Looking for some advice on how I go about sorting myself out financially before I end it.
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Maybe talk to your partner about it first, who knows they might be on the same side or recognise something got to change/be sorted.

Not saying you haven't done that, but your post sort of alludes to wanting to do the prep work behind your partners back.
 
Mason- said:
No marriage and kids should make things a bit simpler. Can you remember if you’re tenants in common or have a joint mortgage?

Is one of you able and willing to buy the other out of the home?

And I suppose, how do you think they’d take it? Do you think they’d be sensible/reasonable about distribution of assets? Or want to make things as difficult as possible? Because really the only winners in those situations are solicitors.
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Joint mortgage. Couldn't afford to buy her out, would be about 50k and I wouldn't be able to get mortgage on my own to cover the price.
sidimmu said:
Maybe talk to your partner about it first, who knows they might be on the same side or recognise something got to change/be sorted.

Not saying you haven't done that, but your post sort of alludes to wanting to do the prep work behind your partners back.
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I've tried, it's over. I could stay here in stubbornness for the foreseeable, because she's mostly at work and then in bed. Probably better than having to move into a rental but I will be saving every penny and planning ahead.
 
DJMK4 said:
I like someone proper crush style
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Same, it's killing me :D

Known her a couple of years, recently let on that she's liked me since.
Not sure it'll go anywhere as she's since said she doesn't know if she's ready for anything (do you ever really know until it happens?... anyway....), but I'm pretty much infatuated.
Tried to make plans, but fear I may have put too much pressure on it and driven her away.

Have been (mostly) happily single for 5 years or so and the last few not even remotely bothered about meeting anyone, but this has brought it all out again. Just have to wait and see I guess.
 
413x said:
Hope you're managing as best you can and looking after yourself.
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I have been having hour + long walks every evening for months, listened to Gracie Abrams on repeat and the other week booked myself trips to Japan, Hong Kong and Belgium...
 
TrojanWhore said:
Same, it's killing me :D

Known her a couple of years, recently let on that she's liked me since.
Not sure it'll go anywhere as she's since said she doesn't know if she's ready for anything (do you ever really know until it happens?... anyway....), but I'm pretty much infatuated.
Tried to make plans, but fear I may have put too much pressure on it and driven her away.

Have been (mostly) happily single for 5 years or so and the last few not even remotely bothered about meeting anyone, but this has brought it all out again. Just have to wait and see I guess.
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Good luck hope it goes well,


In my case, i dont think im doing well.

She is abit younger than me, although i dont have an issue with this, Most people around my age have kids, and that kind of scares me. I am not looking for that
:(

I like her but im not sure if she was just being friendly or if she feels the same, anyway, im going to try and play it cool.
 
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DJMK4 said:
Good luck hope it goes well,


In my case, i dont think im doing well.

She is abit younger than me, although i dont have an issue with this, Most people around my age have kids, and that kind of scares me. I am not looking for that
:(

I like her but im not sure if she was just being friendly or if she feels the same, anyway, im going to try and play it cool.
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Thanks, I'm letting things cool for a bit as I was probably being a bit too intense, but will stay in touch and have re-assured her that we'll still be friends if it doesn't work out. I think she was feeling a bit guilty for opening pandora's box as it were and then backing off.

Not everyone wants kids, I know a fair few around my age (nearly 40) who don't.
She could just be being friendly, it's hard to know until you put yourself out there and risk getting a bit hurt - Is there anything that's made you think it may be more?
Just ask her out tbh (and make sure it's framed as a date, not just friends getting dinner etc.), at least then you'll know, one way or the other.
 
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