Looking for advice...

Pay him and be done with him. Doesn’t sound like a mate at all and I reckon it would do you good to be rid of him.
 
Shep_Cobain said:
Every weekday at around 4pm (while I’m still at work, usually in meetings), he calls me.

This afternoon I had a missed call, then a message about 10 minutes later saying “I’ve called you every night.” I haven’t opened it yet as I was at a family birthday this evening and hadn’t had a chance to respond. About five minutes ago, I then received another message consisting of just a “?”.

This weekend it’s my wife’s birthday and we’re going away. With Christmas approaching, this should be a positive, festive time - not stressful. Reading through the replies in this thread has made me step back and properly reflect on the friendship.

Despite how close we’ve been — knowing each other since 2016, me being godparent to his child, best man at his wedding, and generally very close — I’m now realising this situation is about far more than the £100.

Looking back, there’s a pattern of behaviour I’ve overlooked: belittling or embarrassing comments towards me and my wife, changing the narrative of situations I was present for to suit his version of events, positioning himself as the victim, and speaking negatively about others behind their backs despite presenting himself as faultless publicly. There’s also been a repeated pattern where invitations to meet are declined with “we’ll let you know,” only for them to make other plans instead, with contact usually happening only when it’s convenient for them (for example, dropping in when passing by).

Throughout this situation I’ve repeatedly said I didn’t want to argue and hoped we could just move on. Instead, the conversation has escalated into guilt, pressure, repeated calls, and messages implying I don’t care, while continuing to chase a response.

At this point, I genuinely believe this isn’t about the money — it’s about control and validation.

I’m now seriously considering cutting ties completely. One friend has advised me to ignore any further messages. Another suggested trying to reconcile, but only by paying the £100, which doesn’t sit right with me. A third suggested sending a blunt final message and walking away.

I’m interested in hearing what others think the healthiest option is at this stage.
Click to expand...

You won't be the first or last to be used by a so called friend. I reconnected with a dodgy mate from school. At first it was good, we'd work out at my homegym together. He had a problem with his brothers mental health. I let the brother and his wife stay at my house rent free for 3-4 weeks for free. He then moved back with his parents. I bought a car with this so called friend. I paid about 2500 through a digital payment. He paid the remaining 1200. He had it exclusively initially and painted the breaks and a few minor jobs. He tried to sell it and then sold my share back to me at an inflated rate because of the massive amount of work he put into the car, which was BS. The way he abused me over the phone, trying to guilt me and control me was shocking at the time. He also traded me a car for 1 of my cars, he said the door was fine but had a screw loose, we took it to a bodywork shop he'd taken it to who confirmed the whole door needed replacing and my so called friend knew it needed replacing before he traded it with me, stupid me. He'd also mock me for being trusting/stupid. Then the car with the dodgy door had expensive alloys on it and he kept me busy while his mate fleeced the alloys off it.
 
Last edited:
Kinda sad him whining about £120

I wouldn't be harping on about that amount, not bothered about £120 and I'm benefits.

So pretty sad he's more hard up than me. Haha

And both of them work? Lol
 
Shep_Cobain said:
Every weekday at around 4pm (while I’m still at work, usually in meetings), he calls me.

This afternoon I had a missed call, then a message about 10 minutes later saying “I’ve called you every night.” I haven’t opened it yet as I was at a family birthday this evening and hadn’t had a chance to respond. About five minutes ago, I then received another message consisting of just a “?”.

This weekend it’s my wife’s birthday and we’re going away. With Christmas approaching, this should be a positive, festive time - not stressful. Reading through the replies in this thread has made me step back and properly reflect on the friendship.

Despite how close we’ve been — knowing each other since 2016, me being godparent to his child, best man at his wedding, and generally very close — I’m now realising this situation is about far more than the £100.

Looking back, there’s a pattern of behaviour I’ve overlooked: belittling or embarrassing comments towards me and my wife, changing the narrative of situations I was present for to suit his version of events, positioning himself as the victim, and speaking negatively about others behind their backs despite presenting himself as faultless publicly. There’s also been a repeated pattern where invitations to meet are declined with “we’ll let you know,” only for them to make other plans instead, with contact usually happening only when it’s convenient for them (for example, dropping in when passing by).

Throughout this situation I’ve repeatedly said I didn’t want to argue and hoped we could just move on. Instead, the conversation has escalated into guilt, pressure, repeated calls, and messages implying I don’t care, while continuing to chase a response.

At this point, I genuinely believe this isn’t about the money — it’s about control and validation.

I’m now seriously considering cutting ties completely. One friend has advised me to ignore any further messages. Another suggested trying to reconcile, but only by paying the £100, which doesn’t sit right with me. A third suggested sending a blunt final message and walking away.

I’m interested in hearing what others think the healthiest option is at this stage.
Click to expand...

The "?" message would be enough to send me over the edge by this point, it's a pet peeve of mine anyway when people expect me to work to their schedule just because they feel like they can contact me at any time.

I wouldn't even blink about spending a day helping any of the 4 guys I'm close with we've all been best men between each other, treat each others kids like our own and if we do need a hand then if we've got the time spare it's not even a consideration to have a laugh get something sorted and have some food/beer in between paying each other would be looked at like we had 3 heads.

By this point I don't think you've got anything to save, blunt final message and walk away (possibly with the addition of if he carries on you'll be logging it with the police, because it's definitely now getting into harassing you territory).
 
Mates just don't charge mates, if cash is offered it should normally be turned down unless you end up out of pocked for it, I don't normally even take fuel money or anything.

The reason I mentioned his wife is that she had a go at him previously for spending time with the OP, she has probably nagged his bits off saying it should be an earner no matter who he works for.

I had a mate who was the same, magic guy we all knew since primary school, until he got with this girl who basically convinced him all of his mates were demons, sure if they needed help we were great but he started being really mean with his money and accusing the rest of us of missing our rounds at the pub etc.....he once sent me a huge email calling me for everything and how tight fisted I had become, I just sent a little line back saying nice knowing you and I hope you enjoyed sending that email on the PC I built you and the mouse and keyboard I gave you.

I think the OP's pal and wife have money issues and she is badgering in the background trying to get every penny possible to pay for new shoes. Cut them loose and don't look back, yeah 9 year mates but it's over now.
 
Shep_Cobain said:
Every weekday at around 4pm (while I’m still at work, usually in meetings), he calls me.

This afternoon I had a missed call, then a message about 10 minutes later saying “I’ve called you every night.” I haven’t opened it yet as I was at a family birthday this evening and hadn’t had a chance to respond. About five minutes ago, I then received another message consisting of just a “?”.

This weekend it’s my wife’s birthday and we’re going away. With Christmas approaching, this should be a positive, festive time - not stressful. Reading through the replies in this thread has made me step back and properly reflect on the friendship.

Despite how close we’ve been — knowing each other since 2016, me being godparent to his child, best man at his wedding, and generally very close — I’m now realising this situation is about far more than the £100.

Looking back, there’s a pattern of behaviour I’ve overlooked: belittling or embarrassing comments towards me and my wife, changing the narrative of situations I was present for to suit his version of events, positioning himself as the victim, and speaking negatively about others behind their backs despite presenting himself as faultless publicly. There’s also been a repeated pattern where invitations to meet are declined with “we’ll let you know,” only for them to make other plans instead, with contact usually happening only when it’s convenient for them (for example, dropping in when passing by).

Throughout this situation I’ve repeatedly said I didn’t want to argue and hoped we could just move on. Instead, the conversation has escalated into guilt, pressure, repeated calls, and messages implying I don’t care, while continuing to chase a response.

At this point, I genuinely believe this isn’t about the money — it’s about control and validation.

I’m now seriously considering cutting ties completely. One friend has advised me to ignore any further messages. Another suggested trying to reconcile, but only by paying the £100, which doesn’t sit right with me. A third suggested sending a blunt final message and walking away.

I’m interested in hearing what others think the healthiest option is at this stage.
Click to expand...
Yeah this changes it a bit, I wouldn't pay him and explain to him that he offered assistance and not once mentioned payment and you consider the matter closed and for him never to contact you again, delete and block him from your phone, Facebook etc. and get your wife to do the same otherwise he'll get to you through her.

If he continues to contact you despite thie above report him to the police for harassment as mentioned above.
 
Shep_Cobain said:
At this point, I genuinely believe this isn’t about the money — it’s about control and validation.
Click to expand...

ANDREW GREEN said:
Projection. Sounds like a narcassist. Block on all platforms
Click to expand...

Please, for your own health and sanity, hear this loud and clear.

You are probably dealing with a covert narcissist. There is absolutely no way to win with these people because they don't feel guilt and don't reflect on their actions. Every move you make will be turned against you now and forever and used to play on your own sense of guilt and fuel their self image and interest. They must always be the victim in every situation, if they aren't then they will find a way to become the victim - they are masters of reframing every situation for their gain. For some its a deliberate action, for others its learned behaviour - it doesn't really matter.

The correct answer is to cut the person out of your life, immediately and quietly. If you are worried what he will do, or it matters to your conscience then pay him. As tempting as it is, don't try to tell him off or start and argument or fight - because he will find a way to either make you feel bad or bring you trouble or keep things going.

This is comes from personal experience of watching my partner ruin years of he life trying to maintain a relationship with a family member in a similar situation which took years of counselling to undo - the pain of losing the friendship is not worth years of being taken advantage of and made to feel bad.
 
Last edited:
Nomisf said:
Please, for your own health and sanity, hear this loud and clear.

You are probably dealing with a covert narcissist. There is absolutely no way to win with these people because they don't feel guilt and don't reflect on their actions. Every move you make will be turned against you now and forever and used to play on your own sense of guilt and fuel their self image and interest. They must always be the victim in every situation, if they aren't then they will find a way to become the victim - they are masters of reframing every situation for their gain. For some its a deliberate action, for others its learned behaviour - it doesn't really matter.

The correct answer is to cut the person out of your life, immediately and quietly. If you are worried what he will do, or it matters to your conscience then pay him. As tempting as it is, don't try to tell him off or start and argument or fight - because he will find a way to either make you feel bad or bring you trouble or keep things going.

This is comes from personal experience of watching my partner ruin years of he life trying to maintain a relationship with a family member in a similar situation which took years of counselling to undo - the pain of losing the friendship is not worth years of being taken advantage of and made to feel bad.
Click to expand...
If the OP reads nothing else in this whole discussion I hope he manages to read this and takes it on.

Well said.
 
Shep_Cobain said:
Every weekday at around 4pm (while I’m still at work, usually in meetings), he calls me.

This afternoon I had a missed call, then a message about 10 minutes later saying “I’ve called you every night.” I haven’t opened it yet as I was at a family birthday this evening and hadn’t had a chance to respond. About five minutes ago, I then received another message consisting of just a “?”.

This weekend it’s my wife’s birthday and we’re going away. With Christmas approaching, this should be a positive, festive time - not stressful. Reading through the replies in this thread has made me step back and properly reflect on the friendship.

Despite how close we’ve been — knowing each other since 2016, me being godparent to his child, best man at his wedding, and generally very close — I’m now realising this situation is about far more than the £100.

Looking back, there’s a pattern of behaviour I’ve overlooked: belittling or embarrassing comments towards me and my wife, changing the narrative of situations I was present for to suit his version of events, positioning himself as the victim, and speaking negatively about others behind their backs despite presenting himself as faultless publicly. There’s also been a repeated pattern where invitations to meet are declined with “we’ll let you know,” only for them to make other plans instead, with contact usually happening only when it’s convenient for them (for example, dropping in when passing by).

Throughout this situation I’ve repeatedly said I didn’t want to argue and hoped we could just move on. Instead, the conversation has escalated into guilt, pressure, repeated calls, and messages implying I don’t care, while continuing to chase a response.

At this point, I genuinely believe this isn’t about the money — it’s about control and validation.

I’m now seriously considering cutting ties completely. One friend has advised me to ignore any further messages. Another suggested trying to reconcile, but only by paying the £100, which doesn’t sit right with me. A third suggested sending a blunt final message and walking away.

I’m interested in hearing what others think the healthiest option is at this stage.
Click to expand...
With this information I'm going to change my answer.

Do not pay him, do not go back and forth on it. You put a firm foot down and state, we never agreed to a payment and it is of poor character (probably a better phrase) to now change the deal after the fact. Tell him to "stop harassing you" and as others stated, if he continues you contact the police and let them handle him. Leave the relationship to quietly fizzle away. You don't contact him first, you don't hang out. You just move on with life and leave him to become another stranger in your collection of strangers.
 
ANDREW GREEN said:
@Shep_Cobain this is actually a valid police complaint if you want to cease contact. He won't get a criminal record but he will get warned off.
Click to expand...

The only flaw with that is, he'll know you've grassed him up; people like that, usually are whiling to go through with threats, and if grassed up, simply get someone else to do something to you/your property, when you least expect it. It's pathetic and cowardice, but sadly often true.
 
Deleted member 280263 said:
The only flaw with that is, he'll know you've grassed him up; people like that, usually are whiling to go through with threats, and if grassed up, simply get someone else to do something to you/your property, when you least expect it. It's pathetic and cowardice, but sadly often true.
Click to expand...
Agreed! The money is more of an insurance policy rather than paying him for the work.

Some people will sink incredibly low.
 
hornetstinger said:
You cave down to blackmail and threats then?

Hey if you enjoy your knees, wink wink nudge nudge wink wink, my PC needs 96GB DDR5 ram.
Click to expand...
I value my time far more than money. £120 is a small amount to no longer receive the comms and nonsense OP is being subjected to.

I'm sure you and your bicycle pedalling will terrify me...
 
hornetstinger said:
You cave down to blackmail and threats then?

Hey if you enjoy your knees, wink wink nudge nudge wink wink, my PC needs 96GB DDR5 ram.
Click to expand...

My point was more, that with people like that, they tend to be the spineless type, that'll bottle you, smash a window, vandalize your car etc, versus actually face to face fighting you.
Thus you never know when it's going to happen and who is going to do it.

It's pathetic, but that's what those all talk people tend to be like, otherwise they would have had a face to face and punched you already.

Personally, I'd tell him to go **** himself face to face and nip it in the bud then and there, and not give it a second thought - as long as there's nothing I care about being put at risk in the future, i.e. if it's a family home with kids that could be scared, should anything happen via him or a third party.
But even then, I'd probably still risk it, because otherwise they control you.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Deleted member 280263 said:
My point was more, than people like that, tend to be the spineless type, that'll bottle you, smash a window, vandalize your car etc, versus actually face to face fighting you.
Thus you never know when it's going to happen and who is going to do it.

It's pathetic, but that's what those all talk people tend to be like, otherwise they would have had a face to face and punched you already.

Personally, I'd tell him to go **** himself face to face and nip it in the bud then and there, and not give it a second thought - as long as there's nothing I care about being put at risk in the future, i.e. if it's a family home with kids that could be scared, should anything happen via him or a third party.
But even then, I'd probably still risk it, because otherwise they control you.
Click to expand...

I know that first hand, happened to me from a local thug

You don't back down. Ever.
 
hornetstinger said:
I know that first hand, happened to me from a local thug

You don't back down. Ever.
Click to expand...

There's nothing better than turning up at their house first, too ;) That definitely shocks them, after they've played the hard man on the phone :cry:
iu
 
Last edited by a moderator:
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom