Update:
I’ve been away since Friday morning for my wife’s birthday and only returned this afternoon. During that time I’ve been away from my kids, catching up on Christmas prep, and trying to focus on family time.
Over the weekend I received multiple calls and messages from him, which I didn’t respond to. This wasn’t to ignore the situation, but because friends (and advice from this thread) suggested stepping back rather than continuing an argument that clearly wasn’t going anywhere.
This morning, out of the blue, I then received a message saying he would “just turn up at my house”, which I found unsettling given I’d already said I didn’t want to continue the discussion.
What makes this more confusing is that, during the same weekend, he also messaged my wife separately wishing her a happy birthday.
After receiving the message about turning up, I sent a brief reply reiterating that I’d been away, that I didn’t want conflict, and that I wasn’t willing to keep arguing about something we clearly disagree on. I didn’t go into history or re-explain everything again.
My reply to him today:
I’ve been away all weekend for my wife’s birthday. From the start I’ve said I don’t want conflict or to fall out. I’ve explained my position and you’ve explained yours. We clearly don’t agree and I don’t have the energy to keep arguing about it. I’m not answering calls during work or meetings to continue an argument. I don’t know what else you want me to say on this.
His reply:
I’ve called every night, you could have called me back at any point. You drive past my place every day. You’re just hiding behind texts. You say you don’t want conflict — how did you expect this to go, that I’d just be fine with it? “Yeah don’t pay me, that’s fine”? There’s not much to disagree about. You suddenly listed everything you’ve done for me and all the things I’ve supposedly done wrong. I replied to it all and then you went silent. I don’t understand what any of that has to do with this.
This wasn’t caused by me — you’re the one choosing to wreck a friendship over £120. I’d never expect anyone to work for free. It’s a mindset thing. And what’s mad is I actually did the work. You always think you’re right — you’ve said that yourself. I’ve seen things you’ve said about people in the past.
You had no intention of telling me the job was finished even though you said you would. I’d been waiting to hear for weeks and asking why you were being distant. You knew why — because you never intended to pay. You’ve taken advantage. If you thought it was free, you should have asked. You offered to pay someone else but expect me to work for nothing. If this ruins relationships with my partner and child, that’s on you.
For clairty, I want to address one recurring accusation in his messages — that I’m “always right” and that I see situations as “everyone else’s fault”.
I genuinely don’t recognise that description of myself, and I’ve never shared screenshots or messages with him arguing that I’m right or that others are wrong. Ironically, the traits he’s describing feel far closer to his own behaviour.
He is, without question, one of the most argumentative and defensive people I’ve known. Historically, when we lived close to each other, he managed to fall out with almost every neighbour over relatively minor issues. The only relationships he maintained were with people who either never challenged him or had something to offer. There’s a consistent pattern of conflict in his life, with him positioning himself as the wronged party.
To be clear: on this specific issue, I do believe I’m in the right. However, from the very beginning I’ve repeatedly said that we clearly have different opinions and views, and that rather than arguing endlessly, I wanted to leave it there and move on. He has refused to accept that disagreement is possible without one person being “wrong”.
For transparency, below is the message I was tempted to send in response to his last message — but after advice from friends and people on this forum, I didn’t send it, as it would clearly only fuel the fire and prolong the conflict:
I’m going to address your points once, because a lot of what you’ve said either isn’t relevant or isn’t accurate.
First, the point about me “driving past every day” is irrelevant. I drive to work via the new road because I drop my child off at school and return the same way. It has nothing to do with this situation, yet here I am explaining something that doesn’t matter.
Second, when I’m at work I don’t answer phone calls unless it’s an emergency. I can text, but I can’t take calls or argue mid-meeting. That boundary was clear from the start.
Third, I said from the beginning I didn’t want conflict. Despite that, you keep pushing for it. You accuse me of always needing to be right, yet you are one of the most argumentative and defensive people I know and I’ve never seen you admit you’re wrong. If you think we’re alike in that sense, then maybe we are — but the difference is I’ve repeatedly said we clearly won’t agree and that I wanted to leave it there. You’ve chosen not to.
You keep comparing this to another situation where I offered to pay someone else. That person did a job when I wasn’t even there, brought all materials, worked around my schedule, and I’ve known him just as long. I offered to contribute towards his time and materials at the time, and he declined then — not afterwards. That situation is not comparable.
You say I’m avoiding the real issue, so I’ll be honest. When you messaged another person about payment and then sent me a screenshot, I was upset and confused. I didn’t say anything at the time because I assumed you might just be trying to move things along. Then, after the job was completed, you asked for money — despite never mentioning beforehand that you would charge.
The job was originally meant to be done with my father, which had been planned weeks earlier, at no cost other than time together and lunch. He was fine and available. The only reason that plan changed was because you repeatedly pushed to do the job yourself and insisted on helping. At no point did you say you would charge a supposedly good friend, and at no point was I told there would be a cost. Being asked for money only after the fact is what upset me — not the amount, but the principle and how it was handled.
If you’re insistent on charging £120, that’s fine. I also have unpaid time and work I’ve done for you, including previous jobs and the cost of the spa day. I was prepared to work that out properly and offset it, but I was advised not to engage further because it will only escalate things.
The repeated claims about me “always being right”, “everyone else being the problem”, and me sharing arguments or screenshots aren’t things I recognise and don’t feel relevant. Ironically, the person you’re describing sounds far more like you than me. On this occasion, yes, I believe I’m in the right — but I’ve consistently said we have different views and that arguing won’t change that.
Finally, repeatedly using yourself, your partner, and your child as leverage — implying relationships will be damaged unless I comply — is extremely underhand.
At this point, you are not going to change your opinion no matter how long or short my replies are. That’s why I’m disengaging. I’ve said from the beginning I didn’t want this to damage the friendship, but you’ve continued to escalate it.
I’m no longer discussing this. You can continue to message, send question marks, or call, but I won’t respond on this subject. If the friendship ends, that’s your choice, not mine.
But... I chose to ignore and move on.
