The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

sidimmu said:
I suspect she's attracted to either the status or possibility looking at a life style that better suits what she currently wants.
It'll be a shame if this other guy realises he doesnt want to upset his family life, potentially lose his house etc etc, as you're soon to be ex wife will have thrown everything down the drain for someone who just wanted a bit of fun.


I would not presume a thing until his wife finds out and what happens from there. I know of a couple who the guy was married to someone else for 25 years, had been having this fling with another woman for 10 years, always promised to leave his wife etc. Wife found out and got rid of him immediately, he then went to this other woman to live etc and the relationship has been bad ever since, because its clear they worked better as an affair, not as partners.
What im trying to say is, keep your chin up high, it could backfire on them all massively.


The thing I have learnt along the way is that a lot of people follow in their families footsteps, if they want to or not, it tends to be learnt behaviour.

It really does suck you have to go through this now with the work situation and 2 young kids, but remeber, she's bought all of this to life and on to the situation.
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Have to disagree here.
This guy has done the OP a favour. As if it he hadn't come along... OP may have wasted more time. If it wasn't this guy.. It would have been another.


It could well be that the guy does back out when it gets real. Who knows. For the OP it now shouldn't matter (of course it does because we are all human). But the OP has found out his wife has checked out a long time ago. And that's the important bit.
 
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413x said:
Have to disagree here.
This guy has done the OP a favour. As if it he hadn't come along... OP may have wasted more time. If it wasn't this guy.. It would have been another.


It could well be that the guy does back out when it gets real. Who knows. For the OP it now shouldn't matter (of course it does because we are all human). But the OP has found out his wife has checked out a long time ago. And that's the important bit.
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This is a good point although if she'd been straight with me when all this started then things would've been a bit easier.

Been aggressively overpaying the mortgage and making large pension contributions so that we could have a nice life in retirement and few holidays etc in a few years. Mortgage would've been paid off about 7 years from now. Seems a bit of a waste now.
 
413x said:
to disagree here.
This guy has done the OP a favour.
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I didn't say he hasn't, I said it would be a shame if the other guy decides the affair and rocking the boat wasn't worth the hassle and bins the affair off.
Thought it said that quite clearly.
 
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ci_newman said:
As unfortunate as it sounds, I would be insisting on a paternity test for your youngest before you get to any divorce proceedings.

I hope you've informed the AP wife too.
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I did briefly consider this but I'm confident youngest is mine. He was conceived Feb 2022 and we were actively trying. I genuinely don't think this started for at least a year afterwards. He looks a lot like me and has inherited a few family traits (eye colour, left handed etc).

Not told the other wife. I can't face it and I'm sure it will come out soon enough. It's a small village and everyone knows everyone's business. Once a couple of people find out then it'll be everywhere. I'd rather do it that way than tell her direct. As much as I'd like to try and screw my wife's life up as much as possible, there are kids involved and I don't want to give her any excuses to be difficult.
 
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sidimmu said:
I didn't say he hasn't, I said it would be a shame if the other guy decides the affair and rocking the boat wasn't worth the hassle and bins the affair off.
Thought it said that quite clearly.
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I'm not sure why it would be a shame though.
 
EH75 said:
I did briefly consider this but I'm confident youngest is mine. He was conceived Feb 2022 and we were actively trying. I genuinely don't think this started for at least a year afterwards. He looks a lot like me and has inherited a few family traits (eye colour, left handed etc).

Not told the other wife. I can't face it and I'm sure it will come out soon enough. It's a small village and everyone knows everyone's business. Once a couple of people find out then it'll be everywhere. I'd rather do it that way than tell her direct. As much as I'd like to try and screw my wife's life up as much as possible, there are kids involved and I don't want to give her any excuses to be difficult.
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I think i would tell them myself. I guess put yourself in the other person's shoes. Would you want to know or not.
Personally I'd want to know.
Not an easy thing to do though.
 
For a marriage of less than 1 year you need to seek advice from a solicitor and start the process as the division may not be 50/50. It is now time to protect yourself and the kids.

Get some time in with someone who can advise you as depending on circumstances and earnings courts will deviate from 50/50 and in short marriages can look to return you to pre-marital states. With your circumstances and an understanding judge it could be very different to those of us who had longer marriages and had easy asset splits.

Money and legal aside look after yourself. Don’t blame yourself for her behaviour and walk away clean. She did this. Not you. You deserve better but this sort of timing is becoming far too common.
 
ShadowMan said:
For a marriage of less than 1 year you need to seek advice from a solicitor and start the process as the division may not be 50/50. It is now time to protect yourself and the kids.

Get some time in with someone who can advise you as depending on circumstances and earnings courts will deviate from 50/50 and in short marriages can look to return you to pre-marital states. With your circumstances and an understanding judge it could be very different to those of us who had longer marriages and had easy asset splits.

Money and legal aside look after yourself. Don’t blame yourself for her behaviour and walk away clean. She did this. Not you. You deserve better but this sort of timing is becoming far too common.
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Yes I did think there may be something like this however we have been co habiting for over a decade and the mortgage and all bills have been paid from a joint account. Obviousky kids as well. Mortgage etc are all in my name but given the length of Co habitation and joint account I'm not sure how that affects it? I contribute about 4 x to the joint account than she does. Tbh I am less bothered about the house side of things and more concerned about my pension & stocks and shares ISA. Pension is just over £100k and about £30k in the S&S. I'd remortgage and give her a lump sum to basically get rid of her and protect those but I'm not sure how these things work. I earn just under £100k and current mortgage balance is about £120k on a property worth probably £350k to £400k so I think I have room to manouvere here. Obvs I will be taking professional legal advice but that's complicated by the fact I'm about to leave the country for 3 months. I guess they probably do zoom consultations these days. I don't know if it makes any difference that the affair pre dates the marriage and engagement? And how would I prove that. I have email confirmations she has forwarded to him with air bnb reservations from 2023 but I'm not sure that's enough or if it makes any difference whatsoever. I have married under false pretences but I don't know if that's grounds for anything?
 
EH75 said:
I don't know if it makes any difference that the affair pre dates the marriage and engagement? And how would I prove that. I have email confirmations she has forwarded to him with air bnb reservations from 2023 but I'm not sure that's enough or if it makes any difference whatsoever. I have married under false pretences but I don't know if that's grounds for anything?
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It's moot usually. The welfare of the children is the most important factor typically and that will ultimately be a heavy split of any assets. I'm sorry to hear about your story, its especially painful when you are what sounds like the sole breadwinner of the family to have your loved one betray you like that. Wishing you an easy resolution, as unlikely as that will be.
 
MooMoo444 said:
It's moot usually. The welfare of the children is the most important factor typically and that will ultimately be a heavy split of any assets. I'm sorry to hear about your story, its especially painful when you are what sounds like the sole breadwinner of the family to have your loved one betray you like that. Wishing you an easy resolution, as unlikely as that will be.
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Yeah that's pretty much what I thought tbh. Due to my job I won't be entering any sort of custody battle and will likely come to an even split of time with the kids when I am at home.

I'll survive, I don't have any expensive hobbies and am happy to live fairly frugally it's just frustrating to spend your whole life working up to a decent paid job/asset base for the future security of yourself and your family and then have to give half of it to someone who has done that to you.
 
Just been having a few sessions of counselling to help process/grieve a long relationship that ended last year + deal with some work stress/issues. Told myself I'd focus on just me until at least March when the first 8 sessions end.

Buutttt ended up meeting someone irl two weeks ago and we had a good (6h!) first date last weekend. Quickly reflected the next day that 6h was too long/intense and obvs chatted about it with the counsellor on Monday, who cautioned me to be careful and remember that I'm the priority right now.

100% will pace it slow going forwards (which she had also said after our date) but surely it'd be silly for me to stop dating altogether, if we're getting on?
 
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Do any of you guys find that when you're ill, your wife goes into hate mode? I dream a dream of sympathy and breakfast in bed. Massages with a... yeah. Care. Hugs. Kisses. There there baby. etc.

Reality?
"The bins need taking out tonight and don't forget I'm not cooking tonight. Also you can clear up all your **** from the back door and don't forget your picking up your daughter tomorrow. Also the cars got a warning light on the dash which won't go away."

*walks past kicking stuff out of her way, with wine glass in hand, disgusted at the fact I'm dying on the sofa.
 
jaybee said:
Do any of you guys find that when you're ill, your wife goes into hate mode? I dream a dream of sympathy and breakfast in bed. Massages with a... yeah. Care. Hugs. Kisses. There there baby. etc.

Reality?
"The bins need taking out tonight and don't forget I'm not cooking tonight. Also you can clear up all your **** from the back door and don't forget your picking up your daughter tomorrow. Also the cars got a warning light on the dash which won't go away."

*walks past kicking stuff out of her way, with wine glass in hand, disgusted at the fact I'm dying on the sofa.
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Nope - she sounds like an angry alcoholic who resents you…
 
jaybee said:
Do any of you guys find that when you're ill, your wife goes into hate mode? I dream a dream of sympathy and breakfast in bed. Massages with a... yeah. Care. Hugs. Kisses. There there baby. etc.

Reality?
"The bins need taking out tonight and don't forget I'm not cooking tonight. Also you can clear up all your **** from the back door and don't forget your picking up your daughter tomorrow. Also the cars got a warning light on the dash which won't go away."

*walks past kicking stuff out of her way, with wine glass in hand, disgusted at the fact I'm dying on the sofa.
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A solid nope here too. Whilst my mrs will often make some sarcastic comments, she does look after me and will make a concerted effort to take care of everything so I can just die in relative peace.
 
EH75 said:
Yeah I don't except it to last. It's all well and good meeting in hotels for sex or whatever. Bit different when your in your mid 50s and having someone else's young kids running around your house half the week. It'll be explosive in the village when it comes out that's for sure. Her mum is the only other person who knows so far and is on my side as far as I know. I might give her all the details later. Once one other person knows it'll soon spread about.

Just hoping I can reset when this is all over, still not 40 yet so plenty time to find someone else more on my wavelength. I feel the relationship may have ended anyway - we were approaching the "room mates" stage. Although I never expected this. And tbh if she had made more of an effort with me than someone else then maybe we wouldn't have reached the room mates stage.
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I am sorry to read what you've been through / going through.

I'm sure you already know the following, but you can reset and it's good to reassert yourself and move on.

Firstly, find yourself again. What makes you tick. Hobbies and interests and why people like you as a person.

Be civil and amicable to your current situation to get passed it with your head held high.

Get out there. Be social. Network / re-network with friends.

Go on adventures / take chances with new opportunities and visiting new places.

And don't let the legacy of this relationship shape any new ones. There is a new lady out there for you, who will give you everything you need.

The very best to you. Keep us posted.
 
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